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July 22, 2017

WE STOPPED READING HALFWAY THROUGH THIS HEADLINE

Millennials only have a 5-second attention span for ads

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

IT IS STILL AT LARGE

Crazed squirrel goes on biting rampage in Prospect Park

(Thanks to John Murphy)

SHE HAS THIS BLOG'S FULL SUPPORT

Why an Ontario woman is fighting for her right to swim topless

(Thanks to The Perts)

HARD TO ARGUE

Justin Bieber banned from China in order to 'purify' nation 

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Jim Kenaston)

WE WORRY THAT THERE ARE TOO MANY STUDIES

Worrying You Don’t Get Enough Exercise Can Cut Lifespan Short, Study Finds

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THEY HAVE A TANK FOR SMART FISH?

According to a new report from cybersecurity firm Darktrace, hackers recently tapped into a smart fish tank at a North American casino in efforts to steal data from other areas of the network.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

WE SAW DEMON GOAT OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Birth of 'demon goat' terrifies town; police are called

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Matt Filar)

WE DON'T THINK SO

"In case of emergencies, please wrap your stools in newspaper and leave on your desk. Brenda will come round with her trolley and collect them at 5.30pm."

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

July 21, 2017

YOUR WASHINGTON JOKE HERE

Houses of Parliament 'crawling with bed bugs' as pest control called in

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man livestreams his police chase as he runs over beach chairs and swigs whiskey

SEAN SPICER

If only he'd followed his original instinct...

Spicer copy

THIS MAN HAS A FUTURE IN WASHINGTON

Manitowoc Common Council Alderman Michael Howe was arrested in the early morning hours of July 4 after trying to mount "Bernice," the giant cow statue in front of Cedar Crest Dairy on South 10th Street.

(Thanks to Car Ramrod)

IT'S PROBABLY IN ICELAND

Drove to Canada, rocked out to Metallica, but can't find the car

Update: He found it. And now he loves Canada.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS COULD RADICALLY CHANGE THE COLLEGE-ADMISSIONS PROCESS

The Poop Of Babies Reveals How Smart They'll Be

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Man caught on highway driving stolen Walmart cart

(Thanks to Todd Lawson, who says "Probably headed to Florida.")

WAKE UP

Coffee recalled for containing 'active ingredient in Viagra'

(Thanks to funny man, Le Petomane, MOTW and ImNotDave)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Students at prestigious Melbourne school posts note explaining why she defecated on bathroom floor

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

BECAUSE WITHOUT REGULATION STANDARDS, YOU HAVE ANARCHY

A Toronto man who spent $550 building a set of stairs in his community park says he has no regrets, despite the city’s insistence that he should have waited for a $65,000 city project to handle the problem. The city is now threatening to tear down the stairs because they were not built to regulation standards.

(Thanks to The Perts)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIABLE

Police in suburban Cleveland say a fast-food restaurant customer angry about the way his sandwich tasted and looked threatened to shoot somebody over it.

(Thanks to The Perts)

July 20, 2017

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

He didn’t like the AT&T trucks parked in front of his home. So he shot them.

Guess the state.

(Thanks to keithintampa)

OF COURSE HE WOULD

O.J. Simpson says he would return to Florida if granted parole

Florida says it would return to Spain.

CSI: APPLETON

Naked burglar consumed victim's whiskey and muffins before falling asleep

(Thanks to Bill Ostroot)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY DINING EXPERIENCE

Rodents Fall From Ceiling of Dallas Chipotle

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE'LL GET RIGHT ON IT, SIR

Blackmon, 35, of Fort Walton Beach, called deputies Sunday morning to report that someone had stolen a bag of cocaine and some cash from his car, according to a statement from the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s office. He told a deputy who responded that he was a drug dealer and that someone had broken into his vehicle while it was parked, taking about $50 and a quarter ounce of cocaine.

You know the state.

(Thanks to Karen T)

July 19, 2017

NOW THERE'S AN IMAGE

Snail Slime Hits Beauty Mainstream After Taking Korea by Storm

(Thanks to coscolo and Le Petomane)

THE SQUIRRELS ARE BEHIND THIS

Bear wanders into Wyoming house, poops in living room

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "Apparently they don't all go in the woods.")

THEY'RE PASSING LEGISLATION ALL OVER THE PLACE

Monkeys cause chaos inside government building in New Delhi

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "We have the same problem here.")

HE WILL DO HARD TIME

A man who told police he took five times the recommended dosage of erectile dysfunction medication was arrested for DUI after investigators said he crashed into a Seattle parking garage.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

JUST TOAST FOR US, THANKS

Unusual cooking utensil choice makes amateur chef's poached eggs look very creepy

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FLATHEAD COUNTY, WHERE THE WEST IS STILL WILD

11:49 a.m. A Bigfork man who frequently rides his horse into town called police because someone had complained to him about his animal defecating in the middle of the street.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

'HE ALSO SAID HE HAD BEEN IN FLORIDA ONLY A FEW HOURS EARLIER'

'Cereal' burglar hog-tied on Lewis Co. roadside after stealing a bowlful

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER DUDE?

Results from a blood test on a driver arrested in May by the Washington State Patrol show he had 54 times the legal limit for marijuana's most active ingredient in his bloodstream - the highest level recorded in Washington state in at least eight years.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

CSI: SOUTH YORKSHIRE

The prosecutor said: "You may hope that the police helicopter is chasing down criminals and keeping the community safe. You may never imagine that in fact it is being used to film a pair of swingers in the throes of sexual passion for the entertainment of the crew."

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

SOUNDS LEGIT

The now infamous Thai Breast Slapping technique where women have their breast slapped for up to 10 minutes is claimed to increase cup size.

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

SHE HAD 'UNUSUAL BULGES'

Woman Fails to Smuggle 102 iPhones Strapped to Body into China

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON LIVING

Auction of Madonna's panties, love letter from Tupac halted

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

July 18, 2017

NO MEANS NO

A flame-thrower that can hurl a stream of fire half a metre long is being marketed in China to help women fend off unwanted advances.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

AFTER WHICH -- THIS BEING FLORIDA -- IT DROVE ITSELF TO THE HOSPITAL

Raccoon breaks into car to give birth

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

SOME GUYS WOULD HAVE SIDED WITH THE CANS

Man who's collected over 9,000 beer cans in 40 years is finally getting rid of them - and it's down to his wife

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET. ALWAYS.

A neighbour was left with a meat cleaver embedded in his skull after the weapon was thrown out of a window during a fight between a couple living next door.

(Thanks to Jan in Grilmsby)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Extremely Unruly Goat Smashes Office Glass Door, Comes Back for Seconds

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE ASSUME THE SQUIRRELS ARE BEHIND THIS

15 pounds of frozen Italian sausage crashes on Florida family's roof

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Patrick Groulx)

WE BLAME GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

Man snaps photo of iceberg off N.L. with distinctly masculine feature

(Thanks to The Perts and Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS

Larry conquerors World Snail Racing Championship held near King’s Lynn

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Later that evening the escargot was enjoyed by all.")

PIGLET IS BEHIND THIS

Winnie-the-Pooh, the beloved children's icon, has been blacklisted in China following comparisons between the pot-bellied bear and China's president, the Financial Times reported.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE FEEL ITS PAIN

DC security robot quits job by drowning itself in a fountain

(Thanks to wiredog, Dave Emery and Le Petomane)

TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE

Manitowoc police subdue naked man, accidentally light him on fire

(Thanks to Car Ramrod and Le Petomane)

July 17, 2017

FORTUNATELY IT WAS BUD LIGHT

Semi driver dumps 42,100 pounds of beer on Wolf Creek Pass

(Thanks to Bryan)

URGENT UPDATE

NEWS American Airlines insists farty passenger wasn’t cause of emergency

(Thanks to mezrap)

THIS JUST IN

One Chelmsford mother was left taken aback after her children spotted a rather rude inflatable in the River Chelmer.

"The poor hen is now missing her giant willy," she said.

(Thanks to Ralph)

 
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