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May 25, 2017

NAME THAT STATE!

A 53-year-old man called 911 repeatedly asking for an officer to harass him so he could sue the Sebastian Police Department for money.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Hard to believe this cunning plan didn't work. Or did it?")

SO FAR IT'S NOT TALKING

Pigeon busted smuggling drugs in tiny backpack

(Thanks to Fabian Marson and Jay Brandes)

WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT THEY WERE AN EXCELLENT OPENING ACT FOR WHITESNAKE

Does parasitic worm spit contain the key to healing?

(Thanks to coscolo)

YOU KNOW WHO TRAINED THEM TO DO THIS

Thought To Be Loners, Snakes Coordinate Hunts Together, Study Finds

(Thanks to Le Petomane, A. Wheeler and coscolo)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

51 male and female South Koreans are arrested for smuggling TWO TONNES of gold nuggets worth £77million in their rectums and private parts

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Girl, 11, accuses teacher of 'war crime' under 'Geneva Conventions'

(Thankks to bob Brogan and Jon Harris)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THAT STUFF TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Florida woman arrested for assaulting ex with pork fried rice

(Thanks to mezrap, Le Petomane, DaninDallas and Jeff Meyerson)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man resembling ‘Joker’ arrested for pointing gun at cars

(Thanks to Samuel Sprague and Le Petomane)

Burglary suspect tries to flee while handcuffed, faceplants

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Steve K)

DOES THE FLATHEAD BEACON READ THIS BLOG?

You be the judge.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WAR ON TERRORISM UPDATE

That Time the TSA Found a Scientist’s 3-D-Printed Mouse Penis

(Thanks to Ralph)

Related: Man Who Received New Penis Is 'One of the Happiest Patients'

(Thanks to John Gregg)

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

Shots fired outside Chuck E. Cheese by father celebrating son's birthday

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS

The bear’s presence led to the cancellation of Friday’s baseball and softball games between Oxbow and Blue Mountain.

(Thanks to Glen Page)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED, DUDE

Study finds mushrooms are the safest recreational drug

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

May 24, 2017

IT'S ESCALATING

No one seriously injured in squirrel-related wreck

(Thanks to Godot51)

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CARRY ONE

Courthouse X-ray scanner finds live monkey in purse

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY

Resembling Steven Tyler, of Aerosmith, by pure coincidence in an attempt to fool deputies while also dressing like a women, Dyer, 38, was found again the next day.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

GOD HELP US IF THEY DO SQUIRRELS

Bioelectric hacking creates two-headed flatworms

(Thanks to Roberto)

CSI: STEAMBOAT SPRINGS

Bear tries to break into doughnut delivery vehicle

Police were on the scene within seconds.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Le Petomane)

OOOPS

NJ Emergency Alert System Accidentally Activates, Sends Nuclear Warnings to Some TVs

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Patty Villanova)

SSSSPORTS REPORT

Golf game interrupted by battle between venomous snakes

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Truck plows into Delaware company AnalTech, releasing odor that leads to HazMat situation

(Thanks to Allen at Division, KJP, Unholy Slacker, Michael Prince, Another Ralph and Al Barkafski, who asks "What exactly does AnalTech DO?")

THE TECH REPORT

Apparently women are using old Nokias as dildos

This has been The Tech Report.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

KINKY

Alabama woman finds opossums sleeping in her drawers

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Goat yoga is finally coming to Dallas

(Thanks to James Flynn and Rob Simbeck)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

The "follow-me" beer cooler.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

TWO WORDS: FRENCH FRIES

Scientists may have found out why whales are so big

(Thanks to The Perts)

'I'VE GOT A DOG HERE'

Dog crashes live news broadcast in Russia

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

May 23, 2017

WE'VE ALL HAD BAD DAYS, BUT...

The witness said the man was hanging on to part of the equipment and his pants were on fire.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Insecticide-induced leg loss does not eliminate biting and reproduction in Anopheles gambiae mosquitoes

(Thanks to Chris Knight)

IN FLORIDA, IT'S ALMOST BETTER IF YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT'S AHEAD OF YOU

Florida man cited for driving with SUV's hood blocking view

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THIS WILL NOT END WELL

Four baby squirrels with tails tangled together rescued by Bangor men

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Jenny)

BOLO

A visitor who thought boa constrictors were native to South Carolina released one in a Midlands park, according to officials.

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen, who says, "People: Idiotic, or stupid?")

'IS ANYONE HERE?'

Woman trying to buy birthday card trapped inside CVS

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Of course the CVS store was in Florida.")

SOMEHOW WE MISSED THIS

The Silence of the Lambs is actually a romantic comedy.

EVEN OUR WILDLIFE IS CRIMINAL

Swan chases Florida police officer around SUV

(Thanks to Ralph)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man crashes car into sheriff's 'Don't Drink and Drive' unit

(Thanks to Rick Day, funny man and Ralph)

ONE SMALL STEP

Mouse sperm yields healthy mice after 9 months in space

(Thanks to The Perts and Jon Harris)

Related: Donut launched 97,000 feet into space on display at Kansas City shop

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

MANLY

Kung fu master uses genitals to pull bus down street

(Thanks to James Flynn)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida Woman Attacks Lyft Driver After Blowing Nose on Seat Cushion

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

'Winged' snake species from 5 million years ago discovered in Tennessee

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "They have to be in Florida by now.")

May 22, 2017

SPORTSPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Fore!

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

57-pound monkey 'Uncle Fatty' put on strict diet in Thailand

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

EITHER THAT, OR IT'S TIME TO PUT DOWN THE BONG

When scientists saw the mouse heads glowing, they knew the discovery was big

(Thanks to John Gregg)

'THERE REALLY IS NO MAGIC FORMULA'

5 Tips for Placing Restrooms at an Event

WE SAW HURKY WHITE OPEN FOR STANKY BEAN

This Is What Happened When an Algorithm Invented New Colors

(Thanks to The Perts)

Update: Here's a funnier version that was sent in earlier by funny man (Judi will of course be fired).

PARENTHOOD

A dad has shared a hilarious yet horrifying account of how he was left cleaning up after his daughter covered her room with poo.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

WE SHALL OVERCOME

Rubber duckies floated in pothole as part of British village protest

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S FOR SCIENCE, DUDE

WSU researchers need volunteers to smoke marijuana for study

(Thanks to B'game)

CSI: TONAWANDA

Veteran observers of town life and government said they're not surprised a man eating a sandwich caused such a stir.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woman calls cops worried semen in thermos might explode

(Thanks to Matt Filar, Layla and Rick Day)

Update: Calling the Pasco County Sheriff's Office for help leads to social media humiliation, woman says

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

 
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