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May 24, 2017

IT'S ESCALATING

No one seriously injured in squirrel-related wreck

(Thanks to Godot51)

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CARRY ONE

Courthouse X-ray scanner finds live monkey in purse

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY

Resembling Steven Tyler, of Aerosmith, by pure coincidence in an attempt to fool deputies while also dressing like a women, Dyer, 38, was found again the next day.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

GOD HELP US IF THEY DO SQUIRRELS

Bioelectric hacking creates two-headed flatworms

(Thanks to Roberto)

CSI: STEAMBOAT SPRINGS

Bear tries to break into doughnut delivery vehicle

Police were on the scene within seconds.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Le Petomane)

OOOPS

NJ Emergency Alert System Accidentally Activates, Sends Nuclear Warnings to Some TVs

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Patty Villanova)

SSSSPORTS REPORT

Golf game interrupted by battle between venomous snakes

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Truck plows into Delaware company AnalTech, releasing odor that leads to HazMat situation

(Thanks to Allen at Division, KJP, Unholy Slacker, Michael Prince, Another Ralph and Al Barkafski, who asks "What exactly does AnalTech DO?")

THE TECH REPORT

Apparently women are using old Nokias as dildos

This has been The Tech Report.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

KINKY

Alabama woman finds opossums sleeping in her drawers

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Goat yoga is finally coming to Dallas

(Thanks to James Flynn and Rob Simbeck)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

The "follow-me" beer cooler.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

TWO WORDS: FRENCH FRIES

Scientists may have found out why whales are so big

(Thanks to The Perts)

'I'VE GOT A DOG HERE'

Dog crashes live news broadcast in Russia

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

May 23, 2017

WE'VE ALL HAD BAD DAYS, BUT...

The witness said the man was hanging on to part of the equipment and his pants were on fire.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Insecticide-induced leg loss does not eliminate biting and reproduction in Anopheles gambiae mosquitoes

(Thanks to Chris Knight)

IN FLORIDA, IT'S ALMOST BETTER IF YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT'S AHEAD OF YOU

Florida man cited for driving with SUV's hood blocking view

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THIS WILL NOT END WELL

Four baby squirrels with tails tangled together rescued by Bangor men

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Jenny)

BOLO

A visitor who thought boa constrictors were native to South Carolina released one in a Midlands park, according to officials.

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen, who says, "People: Idiotic, or stupid?")

'IS ANYONE HERE?'

Woman trying to buy birthday card trapped inside CVS

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Of course the CVS store was in Florida.")

SOMEHOW WE MISSED THIS

The Silence of the Lambs is actually a romantic comedy.

EVEN OUR WILDLIFE IS CRIMINAL

Swan chases Florida police officer around SUV

(Thanks to Ralph)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man crashes car into sheriff's 'Don't Drink and Drive' unit

(Thanks to Rick Day, funny man and Ralph)

ONE SMALL STEP

Mouse sperm yields healthy mice after 9 months in space

(Thanks to The Perts and Jon Harris)

Related: Donut launched 97,000 feet into space on display at Kansas City shop

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

MANLY

Kung fu master uses genitals to pull bus down street

(Thanks to James Flynn)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida Woman Attacks Lyft Driver After Blowing Nose on Seat Cushion

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

'Winged' snake species from 5 million years ago discovered in Tennessee

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "They have to be in Florida by now.")

May 22, 2017

SPORTSPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Fore!

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

57-pound monkey 'Uncle Fatty' put on strict diet in Thailand

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

EITHER THAT, OR IT'S TIME TO PUT DOWN THE BONG

When scientists saw the mouse heads glowing, they knew the discovery was big

(Thanks to John Gregg)

'THERE REALLY IS NO MAGIC FORMULA'

5 Tips for Placing Restrooms at an Event

WE SAW HURKY WHITE OPEN FOR STANKY BEAN

This Is What Happened When an Algorithm Invented New Colors

(Thanks to The Perts)

Update: Here's a funnier version that was sent in earlier by funny man (Judi will of course be fired).

PARENTHOOD

A dad has shared a hilarious yet horrifying account of how he was left cleaning up after his daughter covered her room with poo.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

WE SHALL OVERCOME

Rubber duckies floated in pothole as part of British village protest

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S FOR SCIENCE, DUDE

WSU researchers need volunteers to smoke marijuana for study

(Thanks to B'game)

CSI: TONAWANDA

Veteran observers of town life and government said they're not surprised a man eating a sandwich caused such a stir.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woman calls cops worried semen in thermos might explode

(Thanks to Matt Filar, Layla and Rick Day)

Update: Calling the Pasco County Sheriff's Office for help leads to social media humiliation, woman says

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Man uses spirit level to prove that the earth is flat

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE OBVIOUS EXPLANATION IS THAT HE WAS HEADED FOR FLORIDA

A North Carolina man is trying to explain how his car ended up in a swimming pool.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

May 21, 2017

THIS MOM IS EVERY PARENT

Mom Tries - and Fails - to Wake Teen Who Fell Asleep Inside Locked Car

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADA: THE TIME HAS COME FOR AN INTERNATIONAL INTERVENTION

Farting, peeing dinosaurs come to the Manitoba Museum

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEN (ALSO WOMEN):

Do not click here.

(Thanks to many people. Way too many people.)

IT CAN'T BE SAID OFTEN ENOUGH:

Don’t put ground up wasp nest in your vagina

(Thanks to Debbie in Den Haag)

'MISTER, ARE YOU AWARE THERE'S A BODY ON YOUR TRUNK?'

Couple drives 14 miles down an interstate without knowing there is a drunk man sleeping on the trunk

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

May 20, 2017

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Woman charged for macing fast food employees over stale french fries

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

CLEANUP ON AISLE SEVEN

Unsuspecting Wal-Mart customer takes down startled deer

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

WE'VE HAD GUESTS LIKE THAT

Incredible moment giant bull escapes Spanish fiesta and destroys family’s living room

(Thanks to Roberto)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Sea Cucumbers Smugglers Busted With More than $17 Million Worth of the Delicacy

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez, Jay Brandes and The Perts)

CANADA'S CONTINUING DESCENT INTO CHAOS CONTINUES TO GO ON CONTINUING

Twice in the span of a few days, a large quantity of perogies, cabbage rolls and other baking from Ruf's co-owned Saskatchewan food processing business, In Good Taste, was stolen from their outside storage freezers, he said.

(Thanks to The Perts)

May 19, 2017

NOT WEIRD AT ALL!

Brazilian 'mermaids' ride quirky fashion wave

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

 
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