« January 2017 | Main

February 19, 2017

YIKES

This bald eagle built its nest next to the field where my daughter's team was playing in a soccer tournament today. I got this picture of it taking off to hunt for food. Fortunately it didn't decide to carry off one of the players, because I'm pretty sure, based on talon size, that it could have.

8D9A4568

February 18, 2017

UPDATE ON THE BISHOP OF COVENTRY

Our official policy prohibits us from bringing you the update on the Bishop of Coventry, who appears in paragraph seven.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)]

THAT SHOULD DO THE TRICK

Florida woman pours glue into ATMs after card repeatedly declined

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE MUTANT CHICKENS

Improper use of Neti Pots may cause brain-eating amoebas

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE BYRDS

Mutant chickens that can lay the eggs of OTHER hens may help save rare breeds

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

February 17, 2017

WASTE NOT, WANT NOT

Woman accused of drinking wine in front of cops after crashing her car

(Thanks to funny man)

GUYS IN ACTION

Helicopter pilot lands to ask for directions in Kazakhstan

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AT THE WHAT?

My day at the designer vagina showcase

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

CSI: RHODE ISLAND

Tracks in the snow lead police to a suspected snowblower thief

(Thanks to Monique)

APPARENTLY THIS FAMILY DOES NOT OWN A DOG

Mom says thieves stole her daughter's chemistry homework

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "BOLO for a football player whose grades suddenly went up.")

'IN HIS MIND, HE THOUGHT IT WAS SOMEWHERE ELSE IN HIS HOUSE'

Ontario man forgot he hid $100,000 in cash inside TV 30 years ago. Then it was found in a scrap heap

(Thanks to Roberto)

THE WEST: STILL WILD

Brothers Jesse James, Billy Kidd arrested after disturbance at Lubbock bar

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

FINANCIAL PLANNING IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

Florida Man Charged With Trying to Blow Up Target Stores to Tank Company’s Stock

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

CLEARLY THESE SCIENTISTS NEVER WATCH MOVIES

Woolly mammoth on verge of resurrection, scientists reveal

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who asks "What could go wrong?")

CLASSES WE PROBABLY DO NOT NEED

Exhibit A.

(Thanks to Ralph)

POLICE HAVE SOMETHING TO GO ON

A raid conducted at a vacant storefront in Providence, Rhode Island, Thursday morning turned out to be connected to the theft of $90,000 worth of diapers.

(Thanks to Momique)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Woman Tells Police that the Items Found in Her Underwear Did Not Belong to Her

Autoplay.

(Thanks to D.D. Walker)

February 16, 2017

THEY'RE KILLING THE THIMBLE!

Say goodbye to this classic Monopoly token

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

ALWAYS KEEP SOME HANDY

13 pounds of horse genitals concealed in woman's luggage; claimed it was for medicinal purposes

We saw 13 Pounds of Horse Genitals open for the Troggs.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, Michael Moyer, Michael Huber and Puptentacle)

FLORIDAAAAAAA

The woman accused of performing a sex act inside the Duval County Courthouse and then posting a video of the act has been arrested.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Roberto)

AND YOU THINK THINGS ARE BAD NOW

The Nightmare That Was “His & Her” Fashions

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT WAS A CONSENTING BOTTLE

A MAN got his penis stuck in a plastic bottle and had to call firefighters to get it removed in an embarrassing Fifty Shades of Grey-inspired move.

SURELY THAT WILL WIN HER BACK

Jilted boyfriend, 54, took revenge on his ex-lover by flushing her HAMSTER down the toilet after a row

WE'RE REALLY GLAD AUSTRALIA'S AN ISLAND

Deadly spider kills deadly snake.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

February 15, 2017

LOOK OUT BELOW

'Flying bum' to take to the skies once more

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: THE LAST FRONTIER

8:33 p.m. A Whitefish resident called to report that while he was at work, his landlord fixed his door that day and apparently stole some change in the process. But the bigger problem was that the bathroom door inside the apartment was shut and locked. The caller said he was concerned that someone was in the bathroom, even though he couldn’t hear anyone in there. Despite the lack of evidence, the caller was ready to “take them down” utilizing a can of pepper spray and a saw. The caller was advised to leave the house and let police take care of the issue. The man then waited outside, still wielding the pepper spray and saw, for police who checked the apartment and found no one inside.

(Thanks to Roberto)

YOU KNOW WHERE THEY'RE HIDING IT

$1.2M of colonoscopy equipment stolen from Toronto Western Hospital

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

YOU KNOW WHO WAS BEHIND THIS

Plane hits deer while taking off from North Carolina airport

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who asks "Was it Donner or Blitzen?" and Le Petomane, who says "The buck stops here.")

LOOK, DUDE, UP IN THE SKY!

Drug catapult found attached to Mexican side of US border fence

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Patty Villanova)

THIS JUST IN

The Toowoomba weather report.

(Thanks to Roberto)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA

Untidy toilet seat tiff lands Port St. Lucie mom behind bars

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'FOOD OR WATER IS A STRICT NO DURING ASSIGNMENTS'

Suspect arrested for smuggling 12 gold bars inside his rectum after customs officers spotting him 'walking in a funny manner' off a plane

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

LETDOWN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

No Valentine's Day octopus sex show at Seattle Aquarium

Seattle octopus returned to sea after failed sex show

Autoplay.

(Thanks to B'game)

THAR SHE BLOWS

Beware exploding whales

(Thanks to Roberto)

NO MENTION OF SHRINKAGE

People are freezing their genitals to 'spice up' their sex life - and improve their appearance

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Patty Villanova)

WE ARE POSTING THIS AGAINST OUR BETTER JUDGMENT

Meridian man's pet squirrel goes nuts on burglar

(Thanks to John Mayson, Marc, Rick Day, Le Petomane, Dave D and Andrew Mendez)

February 14, 2017

BOLO

Reward offered after 1,000-pound concrete chicken stolen in Taylorsville

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING THE LAUNCH CODES

Abandoned missile base in Florida Keys found to be housing four pythons

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE 2017 WASHINGTON POST HUNT

It's not going to happen. There's no money. Gene Weingarten talks about it in his chat update here. Gene, Tom Shroder and I are bummed about this, but it's pretty much the way things are going in the newspaper biz. We hope there'll be a Hunt in 2018, but at the moment there's not much reason to be hopeful.

To all the lunatics good people who look forward to the Hunt every year: We're sorry.

IS THAT A WHOPPER IN YOUR POCKET?

Burger King Offers an Adults-Only Valentine’s Day Meal, With a Different Kind of Toy Inside

(Thanks to PirateBoy, who says "You want sighs with that?")

YOUR TAX DOLLARS ADVANCING THE FRONTIERS OF ASPARAGUS RESEARCH

Researchers at Harvard on two active studies that received over $3 million last year surveyed nearly 7,000 people to determine if their urine smelled funny after eating the vegetable.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woman calls police ‘Trump-loving pigs’, headbutts officer

Vero Beach DUI Suspect Tells Florida State Trooper ‘Eat Me’

Polk County man arrested after stalking, throwing dog at woman

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: NEW ZEALAND

A hedgehog, suspected of drunkenness and with a yoghurt pottle on its head, has been given a stern talking to by police in Arrowtown.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THIS COMING

For 30 years, Donald Lau has been the “Chief Fortune Writer” at Wonton Foods, a manufacturer that touts itself to be one of the world's largest producers of fortune cookies. But now,Lau is leaving his position following a long bout of writer’s block.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN

Playboy: Nude photos are back

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jon Harris and The Perts)

THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT

...where this motorist is headed.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Times Square Mickey Mouse charged with stealing from tourist

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that the tourist is a moron)

AND IF WE CAN'T TRUST NIGERIAN MEDIA, WHOM CAN WE TRUST?

A woman has given birth to a goat after a two-year pregnancy, Nigerian media has claimed.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CUSTOMER SERVICE DOWN UNDER

A PERTH woman involved in a legal spat with a tailor over a $2000 suit she claimed was “swimming on her” was delivered a shirt emblazoned with dozens of ejaculating penises as a “gift” from the company’s boss.

Bonus appearance by: Jason Alexander.

(Thanks to Jim [formerly] of Perth)

IT'S A LOT OF FUN UNTIL YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

Crowd of women with VERY long fingernails dance in a Florida night club as bemused revellers look on

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise