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February 14, 2017

BOLO

Reward offered after 1,000-pound concrete chicken stolen in Taylorsville

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING THE LAUNCH CODES

Abandoned missile base in Florida Keys found to be housing four pythons

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE 2017 WASHINGTON POST HUNT

It's not going to happen. There's no money. Gene Weingarten talks about it in his chat update here. Gene, Tom Shroder and I are bummed about this, but it's pretty much the way things are going in the newspaper biz. We hope there'll be a Hunt in 2018, but at the moment there's not much reason to be hopeful.

To all the lunatics good people who look forward to the Hunt every year: We're sorry.

IS THAT A WHOPPER IN YOUR POCKET?

Burger King Offers an Adults-Only Valentine’s Day Meal, With a Different Kind of Toy Inside

(Thanks to PirateBoy, who says "You want sighs with that?")

YOUR TAX DOLLARS ADVANCING THE FRONTIERS OF ASPARAGUS RESEARCH

Researchers at Harvard on two active studies that received over $3 million last year surveyed nearly 7,000 people to determine if their urine smelled funny after eating the vegetable.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woman calls police ‘Trump-loving pigs’, headbutts officer

Vero Beach DUI Suspect Tells Florida State Trooper ‘Eat Me’

Polk County man arrested after stalking, throwing dog at woman

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: NEW ZEALAND

A hedgehog, suspected of drunkenness and with a yoghurt pottle on its head, has been given a stern talking to by police in Arrowtown.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THIS COMING

For 30 years, Donald Lau has been the “Chief Fortune Writer” at Wonton Foods, a manufacturer that touts itself to be one of the world's largest producers of fortune cookies. But now,Lau is leaving his position following a long bout of writer’s block.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN

Playboy: Nude photos are back

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jon Harris and The Perts)

THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT

...where this motorist is headed.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Times Square Mickey Mouse charged with stealing from tourist

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that the tourist is a moron)

AND IF WE CAN'T TRUST NIGERIAN MEDIA, WHOM CAN WE TRUST?

A woman has given birth to a goat after a two-year pregnancy, Nigerian media has claimed.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CUSTOMER SERVICE DOWN UNDER

A PERTH woman involved in a legal spat with a tailor over a $2000 suit she claimed was “swimming on her” was delivered a shirt emblazoned with dozens of ejaculating penises as a “gift” from the company’s boss.

Bonus appearance by: Jason Alexander.

(Thanks to Jim [formerly] of Perth)

IT'S A LOT OF FUN UNTIL YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

Crowd of women with VERY long fingernails dance in a Florida night club as bemused revellers look on

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

NEW AND IMPROVED

Man finds £11,000 worth of cocaine stashed inside his Nesquik

(Thanks to funny man)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE FIREFIGHTERS

Drunken, pantsless man demands ride home from firefighters

Incredibly, this did not happen in Florida.

(Thanks to Greg Snow, who says "I thought you were a red Uber.")

THE JOKES JUST WRITE THEMSELVES

Young thief captured on pet shop camera stuffing 18-inch boa constrictor in his trousers

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

 
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