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January 24, 2017

YOU OUT-OF-TOWN RACCOONS ARE ON YOUR OWN

9:52 p.m. A Kalispell resident complained that a big dog was eating all of the food in his front yard. The food is supposed to be for local raccoons.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

GOOD TO KNOW

"We don't fly in our chickens."

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SOLID PLAN

Kansas man admits robbing Kansas bank to escape wife

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

CSI: GUELPH

A man was spotted beside the street holding a popcorn maker box by officers on patrol.

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

WITHIN DAYS HE WILL BE EATEN

Famed snake trackers from India latest weapon in Florida war on pythons

(Thanks to coscolo)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

'Mystery dildo bandit:' St. John's sex shop searches for alleged robber

(Thanks to L. Raymond)

January 23, 2017

IN THAT CASE, SIR, GODSPEED

His response to police: “The wind was pushing me.”

(Thanks to Jim [formerly] of Perth)

HE WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT A BASS PLAYER

Man Hides Guitar in Pants, Walks Out of Store

(Thanks to MOTW)

'FEARLESS' IS ONE WORD FOR HIM

Fearless Kung Fu fan shows off his 'Iron Crotch' stunt as he lets a huge wooden pole swing into his groin

(Thanks to Michael Moyer and Le Petomane, who says "He may not be nutty much longer.")

January 22, 2017

YIKES

Terrifying ‘alien’ worm lurking at bottom of sea named after penis-slashing wife

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

TRUE, IF YOU DEFINE 'IS SWEEPING THE NATION' AS 'HAPPENED ONCE'

A bizarre new fitness trend is sweeping the nation – where participants exercise completely NAKED

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

MEN:

Do NOT click here.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

WE NEVER TRUSTED HER

Minnie Mouse ‘arrested for stealing £7,000 from tourists’

(Thanks to funny man)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Police Taser their own race relations adviser in Bristol

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

CSI: LUBBOCK

BANDIT MAKES OFF WITH AUTO SHOP'S TOILET PAPER

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Police have nothing to go on.")

DO NOT PARK NEAR THIS MAN

Man buys lottery ticket after trees in two cities fall on his vehicles the same night

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

UPDATE

Mars investigating Skittles said to be intended for cattle

(Thanks to funny man)

(YOUR HEADLINE HERE)

Trucker loses trailer of 38,000 pounds of marbles on I-465

(Thanks to funny man, Le Petomane, Rob Simbeck, Jay Brandes and Ross Couples)

January 21, 2017

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Key West man robs diner with garden hoe, chased by staff

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOMEHOW WE MISSED THIS

Yesterday was Penguin Awareness Day.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

FEEL HIS PAIN

Man says his 18.9-inch penis is a disability that forces him to live off food banks

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Pregnant Woman Beaten In Weave Beef

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

We saw Weave Beef open for the Clash.

January 20, 2017

ATTENTION, ACADEMY AWARDS VOTERS

A youth frisbee team has filmed a frisbee crossing a frozen Maine lake in the wind.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

FLORIDA: THE AUSTRALIA OF THE STATES

A couple vacationing in Florida got an up-close-and-personal interaction with the state’s most famous reptilian residents when an alligator leaped off the bank it was sunning on and into their airboat, briefly wedging itself in the boat’s railing.

(Thanks to Rick Day, Mark Schlesinger and Le Petomane)

FUN DATE

Woman 'tases' victim's genitalia, severely scratches police officer

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

OH, THE HUMANITY

'Hundreds of Thousands' of Skittles strewn on Dodge County road

"There's no little 'S' on them, but you can definitely smell, it's a distinct Skittles smell," Dodge County Sheriff Dale Schmidt said.

Alarming Fact: They were reportedly going to be fed to cattle.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson, Donald Raymond and Steve K)

January 19, 2017

BOLO

Man dressed as beer bottle wanted for alleged pizza theft

(Thanks to Ross C. and funny man, who gets a larger font because we missed him the first time, which we do a lot because we are incompetent and behind on the mail and we apologize if you send in things we use and you don't get credited)

YOU'LL NEED A STEPLADDER

Is giraffe milk the new superfood?

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

THE NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

Trust us, men: You don't want to know.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THERE IS WRONG...

...and then there is really wrong.

(Thanks to Terry in Bedford)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida Woman pulls a machete at a day care

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

A 60-year-old man accused of attacking a portable toilet before threatening a man and his dog got locked up, according to an arrest affidavit.

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

Florida man destroys nest full of wasps with his bare hands

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEEMS LEGIT

'Aids-curing' pastor claims he removed woman's 'vaginal warts' with the power of his holy shoe

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova, Le Petomane and Jim Kenaston)

CSI: LADY LAKE

Police were able to help link a toothless woman to a vehicle theft after they found her dentures inside the vehicle.

There's probably a perfectly innocent explanation.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPORTS UPDATE

Two members of the University of Florida's Bass Fishing Team were filmed being thrown from their boat at a speed of 57 mph when the steering system malfunctioned.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Ross Couples)

The University of Florida's Bass Fishing Team?

YEAH, BUT YOU RARELY FIND A HORSE IN YOUR TOILET

Horses more deadly than snakes in Australia, data shows

(Thanks to Phil McAvity and Ralph)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Police: Driver clocked at 91 mph during snowstorm wanted new car stereo

(Thanks to Poker)

SO THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS

Japanese toilet industry agrees to standardize complex bidet controls

This is a wonderful picture:

Screen Shot 2017-01-19 at 10.50.34 AM

(Thanks to Nancy Gill, Phil McAvity and Roberto)

KINKY

This Wasp Species Has an Ant Head For a Butt

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

SURELY THAT WILL WIN HIM OVER

Woman stabbed man 9 times after he wouldn't commit to relationship

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Jeff Meyerson)

January 18, 2017

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

“(Expletive)” said he’d been drinking tequila “and did not have a name at this time.”

Guess the state.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

MEN ARE WAY OUT FRONT ON THIS

According to the Plastic Surgery Group‘s cosmetic trend predictions for 2017, the next hot trend in how your body should look is tiny nipples.

(Thanks to The Perts)

OK, THEN!

French told not to fear wolves roaming Paris streets as 'they only eat four-legged animals'

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck and coscolo)

January 17, 2017

CANADA TAKES A STAND

According to a lawsuit, the building council claims that “that the word ‘Dick’ in Moby Dick was an offensive term"

(Thanks to Peter [Ha!] Metrinko)

WHILE THE MEDIA CONTINUE TO BLATHER ABOUT THE RUSSIANS

Who’s winning the cyber war? The squirrels, of course

(Thanks to Sean T, Peter Metrinko, Bruce Pingree and Nancy Gill)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE BILL OF RIGHTS

Cooking squirrel with blowtorch costs woman's insurance $300K

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Dave N.)

CSI: MAIDSTONE, KENT

Blow-up sex doll sparks murder alert after reports of 'body' floating in river

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE REPORT

Yikes.

This has been your Florida Wildlife Report.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Newtonian, John Gregg, Stephan Smith and A.C.)

 
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