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November 23, 2015

NAH

People need to stop scaring cats with cucumbers, say animal behaviorists

(Thanks to Harry Non de Plume)

YOU KNOW THE STATE

Arrested man didn't remember driving SUV off showroom floor, through glass doors

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "In that case, Florida Man, you are free to go.")

'I AM NATURALLY UGLY. HE IS NOT.'

Pageant judges have crowned a new winner of Zimbabwe’s 4th annual “Mister Ugly” contest, upsetting supporters of the crowd favorite and prompting rioting at the event.

(Thanks to John Mayson, John Finn and Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Millions of spiders wreak havoc on Tennessee town

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Allen at Division, Dave D., Madeleine and Harry Nom de Plume)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man accused of flashing says he was shaking out a bug

(Thanks to Mrs. Blog)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man steals beer truck in Columbus; runs himself over trying to escape

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY THINK MELON BALLS ARE?

One fifth of young adults think fish fingers ACTUALLY ARE the fingers of fish, research finds

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "You mean they're not?")

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Pioneers of 'pee-cycling' tout urine's value

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Madeleine)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Hooray! Vagina Emojis Are Here

(Thanks to Ralph)

November 22, 2015

I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT, NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Rat climbs on sleeping NYC man, takes selfie

(Thanks to Harry Nom de Plume)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Lebanon man accused of shooting neighbor's toilet

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY ALSO EAT 86 PERCENT MORE SALAD

Men eat more pizza when trying to impress women, study suggests

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IT MAY REQUIRE A TRANSFUSION

Shot twice during robbery, Phoenix ice-cream truck bleeds cherry syrup

(Thanks to Ralph)

November 21, 2015

ASK YOURSELF:

Do You Have What it Takes to Win This Testicle Beauty Pageant?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WAIT, THIS MAY BE EVEN MORE FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA

Officer fired after singing on duty with death metal band

(Thanks to Harry Nom de Plume)

THE MOST FLORIDAAAAAAAA STORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

A Cape Coral man is facing multiple battery charges after he got angry at his girlfriend for refusing to help him detoxify his urine and tried to choke her, slapped her, threatened to kill himself and then threw bananas and a metal comb at her.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

November 20, 2015

THEY'RE OFFERING 'PLANT-BASED OPTIONS'

Scandinavian hotel chain bans bacon and sausage

(Thanks to Harry Nom de Plume)

WAIT... THE SAME TWO?

Two Londoners a day call 999 because they are stuck in toilets

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

BOLO

$20,000 worth of Legos stolen from Canadian Toys 'R' Us

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SCIENCE

Parasitic worm 'increases women's fertility'

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

FACEBOOKER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately, our strict policy etc.

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

REMAINDER REMINDER

The Rock Bottom Remainders will perform tomorrow evening at 8 at the Arsht Center in downtown Miami as part of the the Miami Book Fair. We are taking this gig very seriously and might even rehearse some of the songs ahead of time. The show is free to the public and will be totally worth it.

WHAT DAD WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR

A bunker.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR CHER

Metro Planning and Design manager warns staff to be vigilant against ‘mass quantities of boogers’ found in office

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WE BET THAT'S NOT ALL SHE WANTED TO DESTROY

Bride destroys dress at 5K color run after groom calls off wedding

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

November 19, 2015

O, CANAburrpppppp

Canadian college student sets new beer mile record

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Driver's ed teacher charged with DUI after crash

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT WAS SORELY NEEDED

Someone Created a Database That Tracks Pigeon Activity In Movies

(Thanks to Steve K.)

Related: Pigeons can spot breast cancer in women's scans 'as accurately as human experts'

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

NO, THEY DON'T

Quarter of men believe they have 'man periods'

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Al Barkafski)

"SHE RETURNED TO THE SCENE UTTERING, 'I'M LOOKING FOR MY VOLKSWAGEN JETTA'"

Woman arrested after car plows through house in Lauderdale Lakes

You know the state.

Related: Florida Man Gets DUI in Golf Cart, Hands Cop a Prison ID

(Thanks to John Mayson)

IT'S GETTING SO WE HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Palmetto police charge man with trespassing for looking for 'a nice quiet place to pee'

(Thanks to John Mayson)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Extra-Long ‘Selfie Arms’

(Thanks to Cassie Silvola)

UPDATE FROM THE FRONT LINES

The little furry bastards have gone too far this time.  Last night I was sitting in my chair watching TV and minding my own business when a squirrel appeared in my fireplace.  I went over to the fireplace and tried to talk him into going back up the chimney but all he did was growl at me.  I didn't know what else to do so, of course, I called our local sheriffs department, I didn't use the 911 number, who put me in touch with animal control.

They came over, shined a flashlight in the fireplace, and banged a stick against the flue.  Of course this made the squirrel even madder so he really started growling then.  Apparently animal control officers are more afraid of squirrels than I am because the officer banging on the flue jumped back, told me he couldn't do anything, and then ran out my front door.  I think the squirrel waved at him as he left. So now I'm stuck with a squirrel in my fireplace that also now contains a small bag of popcorn that I made for him in case he was hungry. I asked some friends how to get him out but all of their suggestions mentioned fire arms and explosives.  I"m going to be a lot more careful around them from now on.  I was curious if any of the bloggers have any suggestions.  I also wanted to let them know this could happen to any of us and squirrels really like Orville Redenbacher's Classic Popcorn.

nursecindy

THOUGHTFUL

Thieves steal car with a boy inside and drop him off at school in Norfolk

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Madeleine)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR CHAD AND JEREMY

Mother Discovers Venomous ‘Erection-Giving’ Spider Eggs In Her Iceland Bananas

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

'YOU HAVE TO HIT PEOPLE WHERE IT HURTS'

South Side woman launches 'sex strike' to end violence

(Thanks to Madeleine) (Also thanks to Emily, Leslie and w, who say "We saw Lysistrata open for April Lawson")

DEPARTMENT OF TRENDS THAT INVOLVE ONLY READERS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES

The Cult of the Toto Toilet

(Thanks to LAschkenasy)

CSI: THE MIDDLE AGES

Sword-wielding man robs Port Huron Dairy Queen

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Madeleine)

November 18, 2015

SUAVE

A domestic violence assault charge has been filed in Midland County, Texas, after a man allegedly struck his girlfriend and threatened her with a knife because she would not smell his armpit.

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Jeff Meyerson)

SO AS TO SPEAK

Masseuse Denied Client "Happy Ending," So He Took Matters Into His Own Hands, Cops Say

(Thanks to Dave D)

THEY ARE A GATEWAY TO CHIMICHANGAS

450 ILLEGAL PORK TAMALES FROM MEXICO SEIZED FROM PASSENGER AT LOS ANGELES AIRPORT

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Jon Harris, Harry Nom de Plume and Alkali Bill, who says he saw them open for Moby Grape)

CLOSURE

Barry Manilow loves Justin Bieber's new album

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FLORIDA: STATE OF ROMANCE

A Fort Myers woman was arrested Saturday after she and a Fort Myers man, both naked, were seen having sex on the side of a red truck in a residential area.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND STILL THE AUTHORITIES DO NOTHING

Another toilet squirrel.

(Thanks to Jan)

FOOLS: Conservationists Cheer as Giant Squirrel Recovers, Leaves Endangered Species List

(Thanks to RussellMc)

SUUURE

Harvard's Marching band claims viral photo shows band spelling 'Pen '15'

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Ralph)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida woman tased after falling asleep in grease dumpster

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Scott Marcusky)

'I IMMEDIATELY JUMPED UP AND SPLIT MY PANTS'

Ancient giant wasp species found by B.C. scientist

(Thanks to The Perts)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

A furious footballer has been banned from his club for allegedly running on to the pitch - and trying to strike the assistant referee with his PENIS .

Related: Paralympics chiefs to crack down on SCROTUM squeezing as athletes risk lives with bizarre 'boosting' technique

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Greg Snow)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Uranus might be full of surprises

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Ralph)

November 17, 2015

WE FRANKLY CANNOT BELIEVE THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Fatal Shooting Suspect Snorts Heroin Pulled From Butt While in Custody: DA

(Thanks to Madeleine)

 
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