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July 14, 2014

24: THE FINALE

Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:

Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.

Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.

President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?

Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.

Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.

UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.

UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!

UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.

UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.

UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?

UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.

UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.

UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)

UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.

UPDATE: THIGH! 

UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.

UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?

UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.

UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.

UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!

UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!

UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.

UPDATE: 12 hours later!

UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.

UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.

UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

Comments

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Must be a really old picture of TAS, as last weeks
was more enticing popular.

Checking in way early with my perimeter ready!!!

The mysterious truth behind Steve's mind is beyond the ken of mortal man. Link-clickers beware. This may be your final warning.

Chloepatra Eyes (thanks to Gennita Low)

Her hair is black & bold
Her lips - a pout, chastise
Her mind is uncontrolled
She's got Chloepatra eyes

She'll turn her taser upon you
She won't have to think twice
She's pure as New York snow
She's got Chloepatra eyes

She'll take & hack your phone
It whets her appetite
She'll win your Game of Drones
She's got Chloepatra eyes

And she'll tase you
She'll amaze you
All the better just to phase you
She's precocious
and she knows just how to
make you lose your focus
She stood by - and Watched EDGAR DIE ! ! !
She's got Chloepatra eyes

@ligirl: Excellent.

Brava, ligirl!

Does the Cougar make an appearance tonight?

I think it's safe to say that Jack will inevitably save the world tonight. Shocker, I know.

Ha! Great job, ligirl!

In honor of this half-assedseason of 24, we present:

The Haiku Guide to 12
(One verse per hour)

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM

Jack can still kick ass:
He busts Chloe out of stir.
(Our spies are still tools.)

12:00 PM - 1:00 PM

Jack gets shot. No prob.
Floozy offs Yates using the
World’s sharpest Q-tip.

1:00 PM - 2:00 PM

Terror family:
Floozy, hubby, hacker bro
And a peeping Mom.

2:00 PM - 3:00 PM

While Jack decrypts key,
Simone displeases Mommy,
Gives her the finger.

3:00 - 4:00 PM

Mommy has six drones.
Jack, Audrey re-unite. Gag.
New tac team needed!

4:00 - 5:00 PM

Jack and Kate team up.
Kate, in chains, kills two guys. Hot.
Oh, look. Wow. A mole.

5:00 - 6:00 PM

Jack picks up Simone,
Drives through town while Margot plays
Missile Whack-a-Mole.

6:00 - 7:00 PM

Heller, a real mensch,
Stares down Margot's missile. Blam!
Wembley goes trembly.

7:00 PM - 8:00 PM

Heller's still alive.
Jack un-hijacks the drone as
Margot hits the road.

8:00 PM - 9:00 PM

Where's the override?
With Steve. No, Cross. Chloe. Cheng.
Wait a minute. Cheng?!?

9:00 PM - 10:00 PM

Boobdreau gets busted;
Chloe beats Cheng and henchguys.
Scratch Slice one Russkie spy.

...to be concluded.

This episode is bringing out all the poets among us!

I'm here! And they're making red velvet cake on that cooking show. Now I want cake. FEED ME CAKE!

Finale is here, everybody!

Ford: As a fellow alum, I am deeply proud.

Wow, ligirl! Nice job with the Chloepatra Eyes!

Wow, Ford! Haiku perimeter!

I am in awed. I'll award you the Dot of Doom at the bottom left of screen. May it forever be with you.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Someone will be dead
I won't tell who

jack be nimble
jack be quick !
dammit, awdrey
you make us sick !

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Jack Bauer is gonna shoot you in the thigh!

Is Gordon Ramsey gonna scream at the guest chefs?

Are they using too much food coloring?

Of course! It's scripted reality TV, which has no
releayion to reality. I want some cake too!

Watching that Gordon Ramsay cooking show on Fox while waiting for "24:" Nice looking layer cake, but those may be the GREENEST pair of eyeglasses I've ever seen...

To be or not to be
That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune,
or to be shot in the thigh by Jack Bauer!

The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain...
...just as Jack Bauer is gonna droppeth some bad guys tonight by shooting them in the thigh!

Such creative bunch in here

(things never said in the 24 writers room)

Never has this Eddie Izzard line been more appropriate:

"Cake or Death?"

Cutter should just STFU.

Because the TV gods hate me, the 24 finale is right up against the Top Gear season premier.

You're so vain,
You probably think this song is about you
Don't you, TerrorDroneMomma, don't you? Don't you?

Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
Weep, and you weep....
...because you just got shot in the thigh by Jack Bauer!

Okay, I can't resist it any longer. I'm raiding the fridge for my layered marble cake with butterscotch icing. Nyah nyah.

All this poetry has me thinking....whatever happened to the ode? Why are people still writing Haikus, but nobody pens a good ode any more? Where are all the good odists? Maybe they all got wiped out in an earlier season of "24"??? ;)

Somebody needs to shoot Cutter in the thigh.

I can't wait to not watchthe ending of this cooking show any more after tonight

Is it time to shoot thighs yet?

I take that back. They need to toss Cutter off the balcony like Jack tossed Margot Stark and her son out the window.

CHECKING IN! SORRY I'M LATE! WHAT DID I MISS? IS IT OVER?!?!

And smacking Leslie's face wouldn't be out of line, either.

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

(To "When You Wish Upon A Star" from "Pinnochio")

When you shoot at Jack Bauer
You'll be dead within the hour.
Anything you try to do
Won't work for you.

If your heart's still in your chest
It'd be best if you confessed
That you shot at Jack Bauer
As suckers do.

Jack is mad.
He yells show all his love.
Their tone communicates
His deep displeasure.

Like a thought out of of blue
Did you really think it through?
When you shoot at Jack Bauer
He'll come for you.

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("JackSack™'s nose doesn't grow when he lies, but something else grows when he's angry!") and ChloeSack™ ("ChloeSack™ desperately wants JackSack™ to be a real boy!")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!

This "24" intro was brought to you by "Pleasure Island": Because killing Awwdrey off would be our pleasure!

Clock ticking...the finale is on!

We were doing some cooking, Tropic. And poeting.

See you after the show!

Here I am! Has the drinking begun yet?

I'm advised! I'm advised!

Your fifteen minutes was fast, Tropic, bwahaha.

I'll take some Russian with a side of Chinese.

And some appropriate music to lead off this, this season's finale of "24:"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gxFlTXPZVY

Awwdrey is penetrated again.

Damn, these scenes from last week are taking longer than the show.

Please, Cheng, don't let Awwwdrey live.

Heller: Jack, it;s imperative that we find the override device to show the Chinese that we are not
responsible.

Jack: Sir, I'll vouch for you. You've never been responsible, and not finding the device...wouldn't that show them the same thing>

10 pm - 11 am ???

10pm and 11am?! What the hell? Oh, wait 24 logic. I get it.

oh...the missing 12 hours...

And 11 AM??

Wait ... between 10:00 PM and 11:00 AM!!! That's longish...

ok..she's dead now.

Ooooo we saw that coming.....great help Audrey.

Well, that problem with the survivor is handled...

Their clock is running very fast

Awwwdrey is the STUPIDEST RED VELVET CAKE EVAH.

can we blog for 13 hours?? cool

STAND, AWWDREY! STAND! SHOW THAT GUY WHAT YOU STAND FOR!

Awwdrey is still alive. Cheng hates America more than we thought.

Siouxie! Do we drink when a "problem" like that is solved? This wine isn't going to unbox itself, y'know.

A cardboard false drawer bottom is the best that FSB can do...?

The ol' False Bottom In The Drawer Trick. Another move reminiscent of Agent 86!

Did I miss anything?

Woah. 2 big surprises already.

1. Dave is here tonight.
2. They're doing away with the real time thing.

Mr. Bawa

No, Dave. Stand, Audrey. Stand.

TRACK HIM, JACK! SHOW HIM WHAT AWWDREY STANDS FOR!

Can't Jack just hit "redial" and get Chang back on the phone?

Cheng's bad accent is probably the worst bad accent on the show ever since Dennis Hopper tied Kimmy to a chair back in Season One and forced her to watch him overact.

Just sayin'.

SHE LOVES YOU DAMMIT....

I hope Awudrey runs. She looks like she has the runs,
too.

Oh, like you cannot override the POTUS' direct order when his daughter is in the crosshair?!

Well, that's it. I've got agent Morgan in the death pool. ;(

dances, F the wine. I'm going vodka tonight!

Nuc a lar

Authorization to escalate? Haven't these people SEEN this show/

NUKEULAR! DRINK!

Repeat after me: Nuke-Lee-Yur!

For the love of grits and gravy it's NUCLEAR!! One u. One!!

"The 'first' Chinese carrier?" The Chinese only have one carrier, and it just got sunk off Gibraltar two episodes ago!

CHLOE!

Seriously, we're going nuclear?

Why are all the CTU/CIA offices built the same....main office upstairs with all the computer workers on the main floor? And open ceilings like the typical college bars???

(((chloe)))

Cloeys had a bad day.

Chloe looks like she's going trick or treating.

Jack and Chloe together again!

Lucky for Chloe she's been looking rough all day.

President Heller: Put our subs in silos and the highest alert. Did that make sense?

Apparently tumbling down the hill knocked off most of Chloe's mascara.

Jack and Chloe reunited to save the world. Sighhhh.

Jack and Chloe back in the sack...saddle...again!

Jack and Chloe, getting back together. Game over!

Exactly how would you put a sub in a silo and wouldn't that make a farmer mad?

Getting the band back together!

Super Chloe to the rescue!

But wait! 10 am in the evening, the same evening?

Must be Brit time, like Miller time but slower.

If Chloe dies, I'm never watching another episode of this season! Oh, wait...

Blood sweat and "GEARS". Get it ? Good one Chrysler.

Wes, don't worry, Chloepatra Eyes will be back!

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