24: THE FINALE
Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:
Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.
Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.
President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?
Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.
Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.
Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.
UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.
UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.
UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.
UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!
UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.
UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.
UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?
UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.
UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.
UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)
UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.
UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.
UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?
UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.
UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.
UPDATE: Oh, wait.
UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.
UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.
UPDATE: Oh, wait.
UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!
UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!
UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.
UPDATE: 12 hours later!
UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.
UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.
UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.
Take it, The Amazing Steve.