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June 24, 2014

THEY NEVER LOOK THERE, DUDE

Authorities say a Connecticut man who told his probation officer he wasn't foolish enough to bring drugs into a courthouse had been hiding 19 bags of pot in his left sock.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

WHO FROM WHERE?

Jersey City Wendy's worker assaulted by 'Oopy from Bullet Town'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ONE GIANT LEAP FOR DUDES, DUDE

Dutch company develops world's first electronic joint

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "Nobel Prize, dude.") (Also thanks to Focalpoint)

June 23, 2014

24

Here is where we stand;

President William Devane is dead. At least we think he is. Evil Terrorist Mom shot him with a missile in Wembley Stadium, which is usually fatal. But bear in mind that back in Season 5, he drove a car off a cliff, and that wasn’t fatal. Also, characters on 24 tend to have remarkable healing properties, although it seems unlikely that this will happen to President Devane, who is now apparently in several million tiny pieces.

Or is he? There are rumors on the Internet that his death was faked somehow -- that maybe he was actually a hologram, possibly created at the last second by Chloe, or that Chloe manipulated the drone camera. And if we can’t believe Internet rumors, what CAN we believe?

In any event, Jack Bauer wants PAYBACK, baby. No more Mister Only Mildly Psychotic Guy. We are very excited about this.

Meanwhile in the mole plot, that guy whom Navarro sent out to get killed might not actually be dead. This is probably very important but we have no idea why.

Agent Kate Morgan continues to be a vital plot element.

Edgar is still dead.

We will be posting updates here as events warrant. Stay tuned in the comments afterward, when the Amazing Steve will make everything clear.

UPDATE: OK, at the moment our cable is not working. We are not going to name our cable provider, which rhymes with Fomcast. All we will say is that WE CURRENTLY HAVE NO CABLE SERVICE FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE THE 337TH TIME, although to be fair it is probably only the 334th. But in any event, if we don't get our service back, obviously we will not be joining you live tonight. This may mean that, rather than forego our commentary, FOX will simply not broadcast tonight's episode. We sincerely apologize. Your call is important to us.

UPDATE: OK, we definitely do not have cable tonight. So we will just do what people did in the olden days, when they did not even have TV: We will slit our wrists.

UPDATE: So I gather from the comments that President Devane is not dead. Good! Except now there will be more Audrey.

UPDATE: So I gather from the comments (SIGFTC) that there was a perimeter. Perimeter! Actually, this is not a bad way to watch the show.

UPDATE: SIGFTC that Jack just threw somebody out a window and I MISSED IT.

UPDATE: SIGFTC (thanks, Jeff Meyerson) that Jack threw Margo AND Ian from the window. So I assume they're dead, but who the hell knows?

UPDATE: SIGFTC that nobody gets the Sprint ads. 

UPDATE: SIGFTC that not a lot of actual stuff is happening.

UPDATE: SIGFTC that Chloe kissed whatshisname and ew.

UPDATE: So I finally watched this episode. Whoa. Excellent Jack action.

 

GUYS IN ACTION

Louisiana man gets bitten on hand after trying to move 11-foot alligator blocking road

Incredibly, alcohol appears to have been involved.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DENTAL PRACTITIONER OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Dental Practitioner of the Week.

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck, who says "I believe I'd have gone into boxing.")

'IN THE LAST TEN DAYS ALONE, WE'VE SEEN TWO STATUES OF LIBERTY ARRESTED'

Head Of Times Square Alliance Calls For Regulations On Costumed Characters

(Thanks to Focalpoint, who says "Ban them now, but you’ll be sorry when there’s no one to stop an asteroid from falling in Times Square.")

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW

Teddy Love

NSFW.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ONE BY ONE THEY ARE STRIPPING AWAY OUR FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS

Cuyahoga Falls Man Just Wants to Fly his Kite Naked

(Thanks to PirateBoy, who says "At least he got it up.")

24

It's tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Hologram Time. Be here, or be a were(wolf).

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE GRAVY

Huge Mashed Potato Spill Blocks A64 In North Yorkshire

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

A RESTAURANT has scored after it started employing big-breasted women to deliver take-out meals to men enjoying the World Cup on television.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

MEANWHILE IN THE ARTS

Naked disco dancer shines laser beam out of her bottom

"They don't call Matilde Casanova Arredondo The Green Lantern for nothing."

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

THE SECTION ON PIG CASTRATION IS RIVETING

Farming With Dynamite

(Thanks to wiredog)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Spokane woman gets 2 staples in head after Ore. port-a-potty blast

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

LE INITIATIVE

French boy fakes kidnapping to avoid going to the dentist

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

LAW ENFORCEMENT IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

Florida deputy lets drunken friend heckle women over patrol car's PA: ‘Girls, put your vaginas back in your pants’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

*GOOD* BOY. OR POSSIBLY GIRL.

Peanut, the World's Ugliest Dog

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS IS WHY WE NEED DRONES

US student is rescued from giant vagina sculpture in Germany

(Thanks to Poker)

MAN, THAT HURT

Here's Mrs. Blog's story from the USA-Portugal game.

June 22, 2014

MRS. BLOG'S WORLD CUP COVERAGE

Here's her story on today's USA-Portugal game, and here's a feature on Portugal star Ronaldo (boo). And here's her blog, with some photos from the Amazon city of Manaus, which she reports is cool and funky.

Also: Go USA.

DANCING IN THE STREETS

First watch this, or at least some of it. Then watch this.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

MARKET OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, our strict etc.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

U.S. scientist ejected after trying to crowd surf at Handel’s 'Messiah'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

University of South Florida to lend drones to students

(Thanks to Ralph)

June 21, 2014

YOUR TAX DOLLARS

During the mid-2000s, the CIA sought to undermine Usama bin Laden by creating an action figure of the Al Qaeda boss that morphed into a demon doll, The Washington Post reported Thursday.

(Thanks to Debra Ross)

CSI: MIRFIELD

Serial burglar left false teeth in garage he stole from

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Giant toaster has brief rendezvous with Big Banana Car in Kalamazoo

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(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

HOUSEGUEST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Naked stranger floods family's kitchen and defecates on floor

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MEANWHILE IN THE WAR ON TERROR

Connecticut Metro-North Delayed Over Box Painted Like Bender From Futurama

20-metro-north-bender.w215.h215.2x

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOMEHOW IT NEVER GETS OLD

‘The Arrival Of Wang’ Is Something To Celebrate

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

PAKISTANI POLITICAL REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Pakistani Politial Report.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE SOCK PLACEMENT WAS KEY

Naked Man Wearing Only A Sock Delays San Francisco Muni Bus

(Thanks to, it goes without saying, Gargoyle Socks)

SHOPPERS BEWARE

Man pinched by scorpion in Walmart after grabbing a banana

Advisory: Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SO SHUT UP

Grumpy and negative people are more efficient than happy colleagues

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Rob Simbeck, who says "One needs only visit the Department of Motor Vehicles to disprove this.")

SO ABOUT THAT LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

Allegedly drunken intern wedges boss’ Maserati in garage service pit

Unnamed

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Gargoyle Socks)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Inside the World Championships of Cow Chip Tossing

(Thanks to jay Brandes)

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT ONE

Woman, 63, fends off intruder with back scratcher

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

June 20, 2014

THERE IS NOTHING MORE UNNATURAL THAN NATURE

The Ferocious Bug That Sucks Prey Dry and Wears Their Corpses

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(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

MAYBE THEY'RE JUST FAST HEALERS

A group of supporters who appeared to jump out of their wheelchairs at Fifa World Cup 2014 games in Brazil are being investigated by police for ticket fraud

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CLASS ACTION

1,000 topless dancers in SC could could get cash from court ruling

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen, who says "That's a lot of one-dollar bills.")

WHO SAYS KIDS TODAY LACK PERSEVERANCE?

A teenager facing charges of graffiti vandalism "tagged" the San Diego courthouse in which he was being prosecuted.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Michael Hearns, 33, told deputies that he knew what he was doing was wrong, but pinned the blame for the Saturday heist on a brew of drugs, alcohol and energy drinks, according to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP THESE PEOPLE

A kickstarter by Canadian brand Phood Station aims to get artisan flavoured toothpicks into the marketplace.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT'S TIME TO PANIC

Kraft recalls some Velveeta, saying not enough preservative

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and bcduval)

GUYS IN ACTION

English man drives Volkswagen onto track during race

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY HAVE OUR VOTE

Labour insiders say their press Twitter account was hacked after the party appeared to commit to providing everyone in the country with an owl.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WILDLIFE

The raccoon found itself in a sticky situation in Fort Erie just north of the Peace Bridge after it was trapped at the top of a hydro transformer pole with a peanut butter jar wedged on its head.

(Thanks to Ken Fineberg)

GET A ROOM

Another Guy Gets Arrested For Masturbating Inside A Walmart in Tulsa, Oklahoma

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE WANT WHATEVER HE'S ON

Florida motorcyclist flies through air after crash, gets up, walks away (VIDEO)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

 
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