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December 22, 2013


If you're planning to travel by air today, consider just staying home and stabbing yourself repeatedly in the eyeball with a fork.


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Poor Dave. To quote the late, great Sen. Blutarsky: "My advice to you is to start driniing heavily."

That was supposed to be "drinking," which I'm not.


Duly noted, Jeff.

I've felt "forked" by SouthWest a few times

Unfortunately, the airlines only give you a "spork", so Dave and the Blog clan don't even get thatsatisfaction.

Ah, now we know that the secret undisclosed location where Dave is spending the next week is actually an airport. Actually, considering my last experience with Holiday Air Travel and missed connections with two flights into Chicago (to get to Midway from O'Hare involved flying to Minot for some reason), that secret undisclosed location might be several airports.

Good luck Dave.

OTOH staying home isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Ice storm meant no hydro since the wee hours, so glad tidings of great joy when it popped back on a wee while ago. Now the furnace is busted.

Thanks for the advice.

*ouch!* *ouch!* *ouch!* *ouch!*

Only one eye? You must be flying first class. Good for you. You deserve it.

I thought they might be flying to Undisclosed.

I always carry a plastic spoon with me. That way if I am traveling on a busy holiday weekend or shopping with my wife I can dig at my eyeball with it for entertainment. A fork or a spork simply does not give the same experiance as a dull plastic spoon.
I HATE shopping. I'd rather do my taxes or have a root canal.

I hear if you offer TSA an extra grope they get you through faster.

I think I saw this in It's a Wonderful Life. Maybe it was Wrong Turn 2 Dead End. Maybe it wasn't a fork.

This must be why the great Yogi Berra, while stuck on a plane, once said, "If you come to a fork in your row, take it."

Dave, it's the happiest time of the year! Sing some Christmas carols! Have your fellow travelers join in on a few verses of "Frosty The Snow Man". If they refuse to join in, or are not displaying the appropriate amount of merriment, then stab them in the eyeballs with a fork.

Do not let your fellow untravelers know you wrote "Marley and Me."

Also, this would be a perfect time to write a new column about the horrors of holiday travel. Your editor told me to tell you. Soon your fellow untravelers will be allowed to chatter away on their phones for the whole flight. Then you'll need another fork to stab your ears.

Also, tell Michelle a football guy broke a record of some sort and she missed it.

Also, "Marley and Me" should have been titled "Marley and I." Your poetic license has just been revoked.

Also, it's a lovely 75 degrees in Southern California. Not going anywhere this week, thank goodness. It's forkin' great.

Which reminds me, it was a record SEVENTY-ONE degrees in New York today.

Of course, the high on Christmas Day is predicted to be 30 but you can't have everything.

You are so fortunate to have the opportunity to go when you want to so enjoy it. You have the humor to get through it.

Dave bought a plane?

Max, it is a $30 30 minute cab ride or a $15 shuttle that leaves every 20 minutes should the need arise again

Annie ... was that flight of Yogi's the same one where he phoned Cooperstown & said "we're not lost yet, but if we sit on the runway long enough, we'll make time to be ..." ?

or ... sumthin' like that ...

(and willya QUIT makin' me LOLLER every time I read one of yer posts? Please? Makin' my stummick hurt ...)

I wasn't planning on traveling anywhere today. Can I still do the fork thing?

Of course Dave would be an S. Clay Wilson fan. I should have known.

"Suddenly, a demon burst in, stabbing himself in the eyeball with a fork!"

i do not fly, for those very reasons. also, i do not know what keeps those planes up. so i stay on the ground.

Stay home and pet the dog. You will be much better for it.

Dave's in "good" company.

To get the full airline experience, climb into the broom closet, close the door and sit on a tack. THEN stab yourself in the eye with a fork.

It's too bad Dave wasn't sitting next to one of use on the plane. We could have asked him about all his books, why did he write them, who was his favorite author, didn't he think our joke was better than the one he put in his last book, speaking of writing would he like to read some of our stuff, etc. I'm sure he would love that and it would have made the flight go a lot faster too!

Make that "us" and not "use". Stupid keyboard.

I thought use was just speakin' Joisey, nc.

Youse just need a better keyboard.

Please save me the any key!

Gosh, I remember when Grandma used to make those .... the smell of warm silicon wafting through the house .... mmmmmm.

Annie that keyboard would last about 5 minutes in my house. Meanie, speaking Joisey with my southern accent could be interesting.

Always leave a week ahead of time, so you can arrive
ahead, or on time, or past time.

Can't believe Barry didn't have the plane set down to shuttle Dave and his gang to their vacation in Haw, err. that undisclosed location.

Dave, I can assure you, the streets of Miami are equally bad.

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