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July 15, 2013

WHAT TO DO IF A BEAR ATTACKS

We assume the bear this reporter is talking about has a sense of humor.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Comments

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Bear: "WTFBBQ?"

I can see how that would be off-putting.
It is also how several girls reacted to me as a teen.

I once unexpectedly came across a Grizzly Bear in the Yukon Territory. I didn't have a gun, so I pulled out my Swiss Army Knife.

The bear fell over backwards from laughing so hard, and I escaped.

What's scarier, Julie running, or the tornado?

wow, pretty scary . . .

seeing her in the woods just might make a bear

well,

you know

I'd post something humorous on the bear's Facebook page. If the bear's any kind of a good sport, that should mitigate a tense situation.

Oddly enough, the advice she gives is actually pretty good.

Falling to the ground and tucking into a tight ball is recommended. Placing a small piece of a fragrant herb on top of you will serve as a nice garnish.

"A television reporter has offered some advice on dealing with a bear attack – in her own inimical way."

Inimical? I guess she is antagonizing the bear, eh? Or is she just making the viewers angry?

I want Julie with me on my next Yellowstone wilderness hike. I'd be completely safe. If I see a bear, I just say "OK Julie, do your thing!" Then while the bear eats her, I can calmly walk away.

Always hike with someone who is slower.

Brown bears in the winter are very easy to escape from. All you need is an ice auger, and 6 peas. It's a three-step process:

1. Use the ice auger to drill a roughly 3 foot hole in the ice.

2. Place the 6 peas carefully around the hole, making sure you use exactly 3 peas per side.

3. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole!

Tip your waitstaff, try the veal. We're here all week.

Let's see. I know there's a word that means "unique" but sounds smarter. It's kind of like enema-something. Enema-ickle, I think. I'll type that and see what the spell checker suggests.

Waving your arms frantically about lets the bear know your human, or just ridiculous?

Allan Funt: "Let's show our audience at home the secret word." inimical

Betty White: "Oh grow a set Allan."

at least they were inimically correct to not mention what color the attacking bear might be

Have heard from guides, and an old guide book best tactics. First, make a lot of noise in the woods. They will not want to run into you and you won't see any bears.

Another thing in an ancient guide book was to spit in the bear's mouth. Evidently it reeeealy turns them off of eating you. Especially if you had lots of garlic in your spaghetti the night before...

The third thing is to play dead if it's a grizzly. They will sort of bury you and come back later to eat you. A brown bear, however, will start chomping immediately and evidently like living food. Curling up to protect vital organs may help you survive, at a huge cost, of course.

I grew up near Yellowstone, so we were pretty much taught about bears from the time we were little. Never saw one except in the zoo, so have not tested any of these theories. Nor do I want to.

On my trip to Alaska, our guide said to hold your hands up high (to look bigger), and don't run. After a moment or two....slowly move away. And change your pants when you get back on the ship.

LeDud - that should work. It's been a big hit with the French.

The video is much better with no sound and no explanation as to what she's doing.

These tips are also applicable to riding the subway in NYC.

Next in the series: What to Do if Germany Attacks.

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