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July 03, 2013

AND THEY SAY BASEBALL IS BORING

Mavericks pitcher undergoes surgery after hot dog eating contest

(Thanks to Samuel Sprague)

THAT IS SO IMPRESSIVE

French company Spotter has developed an analytics tool that claims to have up to 80% accuracy in identifying sarcastic comments posted online.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

UNUSUALLY URGENT BULLETIN

Pippa Middleton may be one of a host of celebrities who is barely seen in public without them, but wedges are the shoes that men most hate on women, according to a new survey.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

THE GOOD NEWS: NOW THEY BELONG TO THE GOVERNMENT!

Hospital trust spends £20k removing items from patients

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CLEARLY IT'S LOOKING FOR THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME

Bigfoot researcher says hundreds of sightings in Ohio

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

'...THE MOOSE HAS BEEN DIVIDED FAIRLY AMONG ALL THE RESPONDERS'

The Trooper, after inspecting the car – there was fur embedded in the broken glass – concluded that Clement had hit a bear. The LVPA, after inspecting Clement, concluded he was not going to be making pancakes for the yoga retreaters. They packed him up and brought him to Albany Medical Center. While Clement’s head was being examined, Troopers made a more thorough search of the accident scene. Who knows? It was near enough to the race track that it was worth checking to see if maybe a race fan had stopped a Jetta in its tracks. Some race fans are pretty hefty, some rather furry. Better to be safe. A few yards past the highway’s shoulder a sad discovery was made. A moose, and not a dead moose, but a moose with severe injuries. The Trooper decided the moseying days of the moose were over and kindly dispatched the animal.

(Thanks to Nelson Furlano)

'SHARKNADO' UPDATE

Here's the trailer.

'SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE'

Tenants told to lump neighbour peeing noise

(Thanks to Ralph)

EVERYONE INVOLVED HAD A FLORIDA LICENSE

Man Crashes Car Into 2 Cows Humping In Road

(Thanks to Rick Day, Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

NAME THAT COUNTY!

11:08 a.m. A Somers woman reported that her neighbor’s devious chickens often break free of their pen and defecate on her porch.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimbsy, who believes Devious Chickens opened for The Electric Prunes.)

TIME FOR A PROTEST MARCH

“No woman should be forced to have a Brazilian wax against her will and certainly no one should be fired for refusing to have one.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

‘Drunk’ Sri Lankan cricketer tried to open plane door at 35,000ft while looking for toilet

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Your Testicles Have Taste Receptors

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown, Ron G. and Fred Key)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

A deputy finishing up a routine call received a jarring surprise when a drunken driver crashed head-on into his vehicle.

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

HAR

Book titles with one letter missing.

TECHNOLOGY

Charge your phone with your arse

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FAST TIMES IN THE DRIVE-THRU

After paying for the food, the man asked the employee for an extra cup of caramel for his coffee. When she handed the driver a cup of caramel, a woman in the vehicle's passenger seat took her shirt off while the driver put the caramel on her chest, records show.

(Thanks to Robert Shaw, who says, "One Happy Meal, please.")

THE NEWS FROM CANANDAIGUA

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting The News From Canandaigua.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

English rude word enters German language

(Thanks to Howard from Broward and Mark Buckley)

THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS HAD THIS YEARS AGO

Technical hurdles have been overcome for the first human head transplant

(Thanks to Greg Snow and Nelson from Michigan)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Volvo developing kangaroo-detecting radar system

(Thanks to Bill Jones)

WE BET THEY DO

Police Monitor Vagina Exhibition

(Thanks to Ron G.)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR

Looking good!

101yrold
 
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