Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

Seattle police search for toothless, fishy-smelling Rolex thief

(Thanks to B'game)

WHO SAYS KIDS TODAY LACK INITIATIVE?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to jon harris)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Smoke from overheated pipe organ forces evacuation of Salem funeral

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: THE HORROR ONLY GETS MORE HORRIBLE

4:02 p.m. Someone driving through Columbia Falls reported that a duck flew into the side of his trailer. He just wanted to talk to someone about the unfortunate event.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE WILL REFRAIN FROM MAKING ANY URANUS JOKES

Dung Beetles Navigate by the Stars

(Thanks to Dan Barr and RussellMc)

WE WOULD ANSWER 'BECAUSE WE'RE NOT STUPID,' BUT WE DON'T WANT TO GET INTO TROUBLE

Why did men stop wearing high heels?

(Thanks to Monique)

LIKE, SQUEAK, DUDE

Mice chew into evidence bags, eat and nest in marijuana

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MAY IT REST IN PEACE

Coffin-shaped toilet dumped

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

A Swedish woman receiving benefits to help fund her addiction to hairspray, make-up, and candy is upset that authorities have gone to court in an attempt to slash her entitlement.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT

If you feel you need it.

(Thanks to wiredog)

PRIORITIES

Despite allegedly striking a deputy's cruiser head-on, then running it off the road and leading authorities on 10-minute chase spanning two counties before crashing, she apparently never dropped her beer.

(Thanks to Ralph)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Police in South Carolina said they arrested a woman accused of choking a man when he attempted to pull more blanket on top of himself.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEDICINE

Man growing new nose on his arm

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

BRILLIANT

A prostitution suspect was arrested earlier this month after undercover detectives said they arranged to meet her for sex at the Salem police department.

(Thanks to RHA)

CREEPING FASCISM

Authentic Scottish haggis has been banned in the United States since 1971, when the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) first took a dim view of one of its key ingredients - sheep's lung.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

BUT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HOCKEY *NEEDS*

The general manager of Rapid City's minor league hockey team has apologized for an intermission event that resulted in college students vomiting on the ice.

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)