Dave Barry's Blog

CALL OFF THE BENEFIT CONCERT FOR GARY THE GOAT

Gary sat calmly outside the Downing Centre Local Court in a rainbow hat this morning as his owner, comedian James "Jimbo" Bazoobi, won his fight against $440 in fines he was issued for damaging vegetation last year.

(Thanks to jon harris)

FIRST ELMO, AND NOW THIS

Authorities in California say the voice actor who portrayed Charlie Brown in many “Peanuts” shows was arrested on charges that include stalking.

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says, "Good grief!")

PLANNING TO DINE IN LAGOS?

Take your own soup.

Vaguely related item here.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ROMANTIC

My Boyfriend Proposed By Putting The Ring In The Toilet

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT WAS ACTING SUSPICIOUS

Security guard in hospital after shooting off penis

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

LADIES:

Here are some tips on making your orgasm face.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

MIAMI

Our ex-mayors are not like your ex-mayors.

SHE SHOWED *HIM*

Woman charged for throwing cat feces at officer's home

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE

Man apologises for vomiting and sleeping on bakery floor while drunk

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS IS NOT EXPLICITLY PROHIBITED IN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Australian Priest, 80, Bites off Fellow Clergyman’s Ear in Parking Row

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

CSI: NORTH DAKOTA

Police say a man hollered "woo-hoo" as he ran out of a Bismarck deli with a woman's wallet.

(Thanks to Fred Hudson, who says, "I think he was just glad the temperature had reached over 0 degrees.")

OR, NOT

Snake massage may help overcome phobia

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

HARD TO ARGUE

What the world needs now is more drunk accordion players.

(Thanks to Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr)

AND NOW THEY DON'T LOOK WEIRD AT ALL!

Overweight couple shed ten stone by POLE DANCING

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Psychiatrist knits anatomically correct woolly brain

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHEN YOU GET OVER A QUART, YOU'RE TALKING FEDERAL OFFENSE

Police in Florida said they arrested a woman accused of using a pint of ice cream as a projectile weapon against a neighbor.

(Thanks to Ralph)

(The grammatical error in this post has been fixed, and judi will be fired.)

IN SUFFICIENT QUANTITIES, THOSE CAN BE DANGEROUS

The New York Police Department said a raid on a suspected drug lab found only a man mixing table salt with baking soda.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WINTER SPORTS COMPETITOR OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Winter Sports Competitor of the Week.

(Thanks to Rick Chandler)