Dave Barry's Blog

SOPHISTICATED

New York bouncer, blogger and author Rob Fitzgerald has noticed a trend among many of the macho young men waiting outside his clubs. He says the guys are slathering up their torsos with the hemorrhoid cream Preparation H to make themselves look "ripped" for the ladies.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says "The 'H' stands for 'hipster.'")

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

A truckload of burning cheese has closed a road tunnel in Arctic Norway for the last six days.

(Thanks to RussellMc and Ed. Floden)

CSI: CLARKESVILLE

Clarksville Police Arrest Intoxicated Zombie Shouter

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who saw them tour with the Grateful Dead)

'I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION'

Rotten eggs stench reaches UK after French gas leak

(Thanks to Mag Last)

HENCE THE EXPRESSION 'MONEY OUT THE WAZOO'

A museum which kept ancient artefacts on display believing they were early gaming pieces has discovered they were actually used as a primitive form of toilet paper.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NOTED

Men shouldn't fear seductive snake women this year

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO BASIC CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Man cited for riding camel during Sundance fest

Possibly related item here.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE KNOW THE TYPE

Ancient Sea Animal Looked Like Flower & Had Anus Near Mouth

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, our strict policy etc.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE BEAT DETROIT!

The worst-run cities in America.

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

THEY TASTE JUST LIKE CHICKEN GALL BLADDERS

An owner of a Richland Chinese restaurant is accused of illegally buying bear gall bladders...

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THEY'RE ESPECIALLY TROUBLESOME WHEN THEY GET BEHIND THE WHEEL

Loose lemurs cause havoc in North Miami Beach

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says he saw the Loose Lemurs open for the Stone Poneys)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Drunk driver didn't know she was naked, Sparta cops say

(Thanks to Barbara A)

'THE SHAPE IN QUESTION DOESN’T DIVERGE CONSIDERABLY FROM THE NORM OR WHAT’S USUAL IN THAT SECTOR'

Vibrator With 3 Balls Can’t Win EU Trademark, Court Says

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'...A PRETTY LOW ACT'

Darwin woman accuses neighbour of stealing dog's sperm

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'ADVENTUROUS' IS ONE WORD FOR IT

Harvard professor "adventurous" woman to give birth to Neanderthal clone

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Omniskeptic, Joe in Japan, Bill Hudgins and Bill from Salisbury)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

An Ohio man was arrested for allegedly smashing an urn full of human ashes over the head of another man during an argument, police said.

(Thanks to Omniskeptic and Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN CANADA

Taking Action on the 'Windsor Hum'

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE BET HE WAS

Serial panty thief arrested in Bangkok

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)