Dave Barry's Blog

DON'T BOTHER TO GUESS THE STATE

Reckless driver tells cop squirrel was eating him

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard, Steve Lancaster and Ed Floden)

(Here's a better link)

Of course this item is not JUST about the squirrel, because of course Dave already posted that. So it's really about this item, describing alligators at kids' pool parties, sent in by W. von Papineau and Jeff Meyerson. Unless Dave already posted it too, in which case it will be about something else entirely, very soon.

STAY CLASSY!

Lady Gaga photographed posing on a toilet to share with fans

I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT

Bizarre footage has emerged of a woman seemingly wetting herself and then taking a shower while travelling on a New York subway.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: WHERE WEIRD IS NORMAL

7:57 p.m. A man on Flathead Drive complained that his weird roommates boarded up the living room.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT CAN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN SPOTTED DICK

Fat Lady urges Brits to eat Badgers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER CAN OF GLADE

Feds scramble to halt stink bug invasion

(Thanks to Dan Barr)

SQUIRRELS:

They are not human.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

Men without testicles might live longer, study suggests

(Thanks to Dan Barr, Jay Brandes, Chris Elzi and wiredog)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

A flock of 80 sheep shocked shoppers when they invaded a sports store in an Austrian ski resort.

(Thanks to Ralph)

COLLEGE

A University of Tennessee fraternity is facing suspension after an alleged "alcohol enema" incident at the chapter's house on campus over the weekend.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

NOTED

Colored hamburger buns are the new big trend abroad, it would seem.

(Thanks to Tom Meerschaert)

GUESS THE STATE

DUI driver had squirrel in shirt

(Thanks to David Lee, Ralph and JD)

OH YEAH? WELL I HAVE ASSEMBLED SEVERAL BICYCLES.

A dad sends his son's toy train into space.

(Thanks to Claire Martn)

DON'T WORRY; WE'RE PROFESSIONALS

In a case of how not to do your job, a flight attendant forgot she had a loaded gun in her handbag when she passed through security at Philadelphia International Airport, and a police officer then accidentally fired the weapon while trying to unload it.

(Thanks to Not my Usual Alias)

WHERE THE *HELL* IS THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS?'

Global Bacon Shortage 'Unavoidable' Next Year, Says U.K.'s National Pig Association

(Thanks to queensbee)

CSI: NIAGARA

It’s part of a larger internal investigation into cheese smuggling, allegedly by some members of their own force.

(Thanks to The Perts)

PAGING SAMUEL JACKSON

Crocodile escapes on Qantas flight

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THIS JUST IN

Some men too fat to see their own penis

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TENNESSEE FOREPLAY

William L. Wofford, 51, said he and Peters were in the living room of his residence where he was having sex with Peters. He stated that during sex, Peters picked up a hammer and struck him on the head, the report stated.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who notes: "Newport is in Cocke County, TN.")

WINNER: 'PIE OF THE TIGER'

Teams battled it out to be crowned champions in the World Custard Pie Championships in Kent at the weekend.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CREEPING FASCISM ALERT

No, you can't name him Anal

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW IT EXPRESSED ITS GRATITUDE

Turkish divers "rescue" blow-up sex doll from sea

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

A man sought emergency treatment at hospital in Auckland this week with an eel stuck up his bottom.

(Thanks to Ralph)

And, yes, it was a consenting eel.

NOT TO MENTION THE TSA

Woman strips naked at Orlando airport after declaring that 'Jesus made her do it'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPORTS UPDATE

Donald Trump is building a farting golf course.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BUTT THEY HAD FUN

Brave skinny dippers at Druridge Bay miss out on world record

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IN AN AISLE SEAT, WE HOPE

‘Barfi!’ to represent India at Oscars

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE LIVE IN WONDROUS TIMES

Chinese hospitals introduce hands-free automatic 'sperm extractor' for donors

(Thanks to Ken Fineberg, who says, "I hope this thing knows when to shut off.")

WE LOVE THIS STATE

Florida couple having oral sex driving on I-95 pulled out gun after being spotted

Key Only-in-Florida Detail: "Welker is an ambassador for the Amelia Island Chamber of Commerce"

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson) 

IT WAS A CONSENTING SOFA

A 46-year-old Waukesha man is facing charges after an off-duty cop jogging through the Pebble Valley neighborhood found the man having sex with an abandoned couch set on a curb, according to a criminal complaint.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says, "Sofa, so good.")

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

Robot Tuna Joins Homeland Security Arsenal

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET...

ZIMBABWE CITY RESIDENTS SYNCHRONIZE TOILET FLUSH

(Thanks to Dan Barr and ndyrotyshagubi)

AFTER WHICH IT STUNG HIM IN GRATITUDE

Man revives dying bumblebee by hand feeding it honey

(Thanks to ubetcha)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Kiwi student invents fridge with no door

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

IN MIAMI, WE SEE IT DAILY ON I-95

Warp Drive May Be More Feasible Than Thought, Scientists Say

(Thanks to The Perts)

NOT BITTER AT ALL!

Newly Divorced Woman Launches Wedding Ring Into Space

(Thanks to The Perts)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using giraffes.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GIVE IT UP

...for Gymnastic Goat.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who saw them open for Canned Heat)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Florida man calls 911 because daughter refuses to get him beer

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, EARLY HOLIDAY SHOPPERS:

Get 'em while they last.

(Thanks to The Perts)

AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE

YET THE HAMBURGLAR GETS A PASS

McDonald’s Calls Police On Man Dressed Up As The Burger King

(Thanls to Dan Barr)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

A 47-year-old man has appeared before Perth Sheriff court accused of causing fear and alarm by being aggressive with a black pudding.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EITHER WAY, WE'LL JUST HAVE A BEER

Woman says pubic hair, eatery says string

(Thanks to Omniskeptic, who says "let's call the whole thing off.")

GUESS THE STATE

Man shrugs when cop asks if he urinated on patrol car

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BECAUSE IT SENDS THE WRONG MESSAGE ABOUT THE STATE

New Jersey Bans Smiling in Driver's License Photos

(Thanks to Maryqos)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Ghent prostitutes told to wear more clothes

(Thanks to Dan Barr and Allen at Division)

WE BLAME GLOBAL WARMING

A fire tornado!

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WE SAW HERO PIG OPEN FOR PHISH

Hero pig saves baby goat from drowning

(Thanks to jon harris)

FOR THE TOTAL PARTY EXPERIENCE

Georgia indoor gun range given liquor license

(Thanks to jon harris, who asks, "What could possibly go wrong?")