ENGLISH CUISINE UPDATE

Comments

[Ms. Flukey]

Careful. Eatting conch can lead to blurry groin syndrom.

[nursecindy]

Does that say chocolat on the window? Chocolate and a gift shop. What more could you ask for?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Good eye, cindy. I missed that.

[HogsAteMySister]

Do the sell conch beer.

[Ralph]

I assume this is the equivalent of surf and turf, neither of which are particularly edible by humans if taken literally.

FYI, a resident of Key West is a "Conch." I didn't know the British imported them for culinary purposes.

[FrankLJ]

Hello Dave, I didn't know you were in London. Your tip about the Queen in a previous post did a lot for a friend of mine. He asked me to pass along some tips in turn to help you get the most out of your visit:

WELCOME TO LONDON

Good-natured haggling over the price is customary at newsstands.

You will find Taxi-drivers are fairly surly anyway - *never* insult one by trying to offer him money over the fare.

On first entering an underground train, it is customary to shake hands with every passenger in your car.

Take a break from the games at the Olympic Stadium by visiting nearby Tottenham Hotspur to see real English football. Newcomers are expected to start the pre-game chant of ‘We are the Gun-ners. We are Arse-nal’.

Don’t forget to go to the Reading Room at the British Museum and try the famous echo!

You can not get ‘gasoline’ in Britain – use the pump marked ‘diesel’.

For the duration of the Olympics, holders of a foreign driver’s license may drive on the right-hand side of the road in London, only.

In the morning, hotel guests should assist the chambermaid by hanging their bed sheets out the window to air.

In England, people standing in a line (known as a ‘queue’) always face backwards. Please act accordingly.

There is no parking in front of the large building at the bottom of St. James’s St. except at certain times. These are marked by the stationing of a man in a red jacket and a bearskin cap, to whom the one pound fee is offered after you park.

Please do not block the pavement by opening a map and reading it – special black and white striped zones marked by flashing lights have been put on the streets for this purpose.

If uncertain what to say at a party, try talking about how awful it must have been for the Germans during the War.

Falling asleep in the theatre is considered bad form; be sure to book a few wake-up calls on your mobile phone.

Discourage the professional beggars on trains who approach you with the words ‘Tickets, please’.

Train staff can be summoned for food and beverage orders by pulling the large red handle in your compartment.

Beer is free in some London pubs after the bell. These pubs will have signs outside which say ‘Free House’.

The local word for beer is ‘Pyores’ [one syllable]. To order one, say to the barman ‘A pyores’.

London prostitutes advertise by standing next to office buildings, smoking cigarettes. This is only true of females, males are always found in houses with the traditional blue lamp outside.

When walking in the country, remember gates often blow shut. Be sure to wedge them open properly.

You must maintain a certain rate of speed on a motorway. If you are too slow, a police car will get behind you and turn on its flashing lights. Acknowledge it by holding up two fingers before increasing your speed.

And finally, and most importantly....

If you have enjoyed your visit, before leaving London chalk the phrase ‘I Revere Albion’ in large letters, somewhere public (a large blank wall has been erected near Buckingham Palace to handle the expected Olympic influx). To leave space for others who wish to chalk ‘I Revere Albion’, just use the initials.

Happy Olymping!

[Ross_marks]

LOL Frank!

You're trying to get the death rate for Americam tourists in London up to equal the death rate for British tourists in Florida, aren't you.

[Graeme St Clair]

FrankLJ, I know where you got a lot of these - you forgot "The number of yellow lines indicates the number of rows of vehicles which may park." I don't remember whether Gerard Hoffnung's offerings came first, or the suggested answers in the "New Statesman" competition for "Plausible yet misleading things to say to tourists in London"...

[nursecindy]

Frank's trying to get Dave killed! Loved the suggestions though and I'll be sure to print off your post before I go to Europe next year. I'm sure these will work equally well in other nearby countries.

[Dum Bass]

Dude, no copy and paste, EH!

[FrankLJ]

Some of these are decades old, some re-tweaked for the Olympics, some are new, all got together by some Track and Field news people for their jaunt to London this year. This looked like a good place for the collection.

Never heard of Gerard Hoffnung, but 'misleading advice to visitors' has been a favorite topic of the NS comp since the 1950's at least. Maybe the islanders don't really like visitors; it would make sense of a recent, alarming rumor I heard that the closing ceremonies will feature a reunion of the Spice Girls. That would, then, be the hosts' way of saying, 'Goodbye - and DONT COME BACK.'

A few more that did not make the cut:
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The local public house is the best place to change a 500 euro note.

To find a train that has been recenly cleaned, look for one marked 'Virgin'.

London conveniences are marked 'W.H. Smith'. They are always supplied with fresh paper.

Fruit vendors pile free samples outside their stores (called 'shops'). It is considered rude to pass near a pile without taking a sample.

In the melancholy event of your having to attend a funeral, show your wish for an easy passage by the old Saxon custom of tossing a sofa cushion into the hole.

BBC 'Announcer English' will help the visitor learn how to speak properly. The best program to tune in to is called 'Teletubbies'.

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For me, though, nothing can beat that 'I Revere Albion' thing. urrgghh...