Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: SALISBURY

"Kelly (Ervin) advised that he defecates wherever his two mile mark is."

(Thanks to Pat Boyle)

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Major League Baseball Report.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Update: Likewise the International News Briefing.

HONG KONG TAXI DRIVER OF THE DAY

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Hong Kong Taxi Driver of the Day.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner's friend Russell)

A FLORIDA LICENSE...

...is on the way.

(Thanks to Ralph)

GROOMING ADVISORY

Men pay price for not reading instructions on hair removal cream as review pages detail painful genital experiences

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

We saw Painful Genital Experiences open for the Sex Pistols.

ATTENTION, SECRET SERVICE

Robot prostitutes 'the future of sex tourism'

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

IN FLORIDA, THIS IS CALLED 'PARKING'

The car drove through the front windows of the Bedding Experts store in the 4800 block of West Dempster Street about 9 p.m. Wednesday, according to Skokie fire officials. It traveled 20 to 25 feet into the store, shattering glass and smashing into beds, officials said.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

AND IF WE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE LITTLE FURRED BASTARDS, IT WON'T BE THE LAST

Squirrel-related brush fire isn't first in Lee County

(Thanks to funny man)

Related: But while the Queens co-op residents being terrorized by the daredevil vandals say they know exactly who their tormentors are, they insist that they’re helpless in stopping the crime wave — because the suspects are sex-happy squirrels.

Yes, we know: "Sex-Happy Squirrels" etc.

DO NOT MESS WITH WOMEN

'It has affected me - I was watching Jaws the other night but had to turn over,' he said

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

DOES THIS MAKE MY HIPS LOOK BIG?

A bodysuit for racehorses.

(Thanks to David Shelton)