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February 11, 2012

CSI: SALEM

Man Can't Tell If Taxi Driver Urinated or Used Windex

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

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"This city deserves a better class of criminal."
--The Joker

Have him pee on your windows and see if it leaves a streak-free shine.

The man told police he didn't see the person "actually urinating or his pants in disarray."

Police should arrest this a-hole for reporting something he was very unsure of. Or rub his nose in a urine puddle of his own!

The same police log, I think, referenced a woman who reported a stalker at Starbucks because she had seen the same man there twice.

Learn to observe, investigate, think before you jump to conclusions. However, if you do actually see a crime committed, then report it.


I have a solution - this is SALEM (where I was born, no less), somebody put a hex on him, for kripes sake.

Someone is a little busy body isn't he? This is the only hex I know Punkin. Eeeny meanie chili beanie the spirits are about to speak. I hope that works.

Keep in mind, the urine in Salem is different from most places.
It's a dry urine.

If your urine test comes out as pure Windex, maybe you should...
Somebody finish this for me.
I'm on a bad streak.
My puddle of inspiration dried up.

i'll try, steve:

If your urine test comes out as pure Windex, maybe you should...

- be using paper towels instead of toilet paper?

...switch to decaf.
...pee on the windows.
...stop drinking Windex.
...incorporate!

...contact S.C. Johnson.
...change your name to I.P. Windex.
...hide during Spring cleaning.
...avoid Ira Glass.

Can't tell the difference? Well, if there's a faint smell of ammonia... no, that won't work. How about this: if it's light purple in color... nah, that won't work...

...invent a new glass cleaner called "Purine".

Would this explain why taxis are usually yellow?

*snork*

Oops, I think I just peed a little.. *puts head between legs* Nope, just shining the shins.

Hey mister, mind your own beeswax.

*hops back on geezer bus*

"If you don't see something, say something" or something like that...

What if you smell something?

If you see clean windows, you know urine Salem

Are dogs sniffing your taxi and lifting their legs? Might be urine. Are flies buzzing around your taxi? Might be urine.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Taxis are yellow
Windex is not

QED

Forget all the rest of this; is that Police patch real? "The witch city?" Salem is proud of the witch trials?

The Salem Witches put a hex on Tebow, and that's why the Patriots got the chance to play the Baltimore Nevermores. Or so I heard.

But some of the other headlines on that page....

Another item:

10:10 a.m. — A past hit and run was reported on Loring Avenue.

This would be, one presumes, as opposed to a "future hit and run" ... eh?

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