Dave Barry's Blog

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER CAN OF AIR FRESHENER

Toilets, bathtubs, and sinks in two southeast Houston houses became fecal fountains Thursday afternoon when a City of Houston Public Works employee tried to clear a clogged sewer line and sent the sewage, at high pressure, in entirely the wrong direction.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who saw the Fecal Fountains open for The Germs.)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGE DUDES

Smoking pot tied to slacking off at work

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

WAY TOO EASY

Deena, Sammi, Snooki eager to catch crabs on 'Jersey Shore'

(Thanks to funny man)

A.K.A. 'NORMAL WEAR AND TEAR'

Instead of getting his transmission fixed as planned, Knight said he spent Wednesday morning on the phone with his insurance provider.

“I told them my windshield was smashed and they asked if it was on the side of a street or in a parking lot,” he said. “I told them, ‘No, a naked woman just got on my hood and stomped on it.’"

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT'S GETTING SO YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY

Authorities say a man was arrested after he dropped his gun during a robbery and returned to the scene to try and buy it back from the victims.

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

A poultry escort service.

(Thanks to funny man)

ROMANTIC

These aren't just regular condoms. The QR codes on the wrappers can be scanned by smartphones, connecting users to a mobile website that plot their approximate location and ask a few non-identifying questions such as age range...

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and B'game)

YIKES

Mouse Howls Like a Wolf, Bites Like a Tiger

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

PRIORITIES

Orlando crowd riots waiting for glow-in-the-dark Nikes

(Thanks to funny man, Horace LaBadie and The Perts)

STARTING AN ONLINE BUSINESS IN GREECE?

Antonopoulos and his partners spent hours collecting papers from tax offices, the Athens Chamber of Commerce and Industry, the municipal service where the company is based, the health inspector’s office, the fire department and banks. At the health department, they were told that all the shareholders of the company would have to provide chest X-rays, and, in the most surreal demand of all, stool samples.

(Thanks to KJP)

ALWAYS A SOUND LEGAL STRATEGY

Lyle Dalgin tried to use his head as a battering ram, told police he'd bite off their ears and would demonstrate how a "street veteran" does things.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who asks you to guess the state)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD BE REGISTERED

Man tried to rob store with finger

Guess the state.

(Thanks to The Perts and Dorkfish)