Dave Barry's Blog

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Shoppers throw punches over new Air Jordans

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

A large metallic ball fell out of the sky on a remote grassland in Namibia, prompting baffled authorities to contact NASA and the European space agency.

(Thanks to The Perts)

GOT PLANS FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE?

White Castle Considers Offering Beer and Wine

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Mark Newsom)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR BARNEY FRANK'S NIPPLES

'Nervous bowels' alleged bank robber in jail

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HO HO HO

Sandra Bullock smuggles sausage for Christmas

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AND ON THE EIGHTH NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, THEY DID RISETH UP AND BITETH THEIR MASTERS

Animals Wearing Yarmulkes

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS BEING SAN FRANCISCO, IT'S THE CIGAR THAT WILL GET HIM IN SERIOUS TROUBLE

A San Francisco man with no medical license performed liposuction on a woman while smoking a cigar, then flushed six pounds of fat he removed down the patient's toilet, city prosecutors alleged.

GUY PRIORITIES

Man starts beer, robs bank, goes back to finish beer

WHEW

Oniony pig farts legal, court rules

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Bill Hudgins)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

Barney Frank's Nipples Steal The Show During House Address

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Evidently the strain was too much.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

GARBAGE SCAN

Many centuries ago, before there was satellite radio, I wrote a column about endlessly punching the buttons on a radio, looking for something decent to listen to. Recently a fellow named Joe Carignan sent me a link to a YouTube video of his brother, Stephen Carignan, performing the column at a comedy club. I'm honored, and Stephen's a brave guy.

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN DYING TO KNOW

Blair Witch Actress Heather Donahue Quit Acting to Grow Pot

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says, "Probably a smart career move.")

WOW. SOCKS.

Study Suggests Many Adults Will Get Lousy Christmas Gifts

(Thanks to Karen in Panama City)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

ROME - Italian airport police eyeing up a busty Spanish model's curves made a startling discovery on Wednesday -- 2.5 kilograms of pure cocaine stashed as implants in her bust and backside.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER THE DEER PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

A Greece man was charged with driving while intoxicated after police found him allegedly trying to drive an injured deer to the hospital on Sunday night.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Deb Ross)

CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK

"We have a package for you but it's been eaten by rats."

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

POSSIBLY DISGUISING ITSELF AS BUTTER

Margarine still missing after stolen truck found

(Thanks to The Perts)

TODAY'S TIP FOR CRIMINALS

Don't drive a pink getaway car.

(Thanks to The Perts)

UPDATE ON THE EPIDEMIC OF BABY JESUS THEFTS

It has reached the West Coast.

(Thanks to B'game)

PACKAGE FOR YOU!

Crash.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOW YOU TELL US

Boob job vouchers 'not a good gift idea'

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

WE STILL HAVE AT LEAST ONE FUNDAMENTAL CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT LEFT

Court overturns sex for Phillies tickets case

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

THIS CANNOT END WELL

German scientists growing skin from baby foreskins

(Thanks to James in NC)

ON HIS WAY TO FLORIDA, WE ASSUME

A Utah man who won a $380,000 Lamborghini in a convenience store chain's contest says he crashed the sports car six hours after he got it.

(Thanks to Bill Guy and Janice Gelb)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Drunken Santas Terrorized Lower Manhattan

(Thaks to Dad-O-Lot and Chris Elzi)

ONE LAST LOOK BACK...

...at Kim Jong-Il looking at things.

(Thanks to Gregg in Austin)

HAND OVER THE ANCHOVIES AND NOBODY GETS HURT

Boy disciplined after waving gun-shaped pizza slice

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Unholy Slacker)

ATTENTION, NAKED PEOPLE

Pasco County, Florida, wants you.

And apparently there is no attractiveness requirement.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A FLORIDA LICENSE...

...is on the way.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

'IT WAS REALLY OILY AND STANK OF FISH'

People queuing to see the panda enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo are being hit by penguin droppings as the curious birds have been watching proceedings.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb, Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Colonic 'gas blast' in Swedish hospital

(Thanks to Ralph)

UPDATE ON THE EPIDEMIC OF BABY JESUS THEFTS

More baby Jesus statues reported missing in Va.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

SPEAKING OF BEING BAD OR GOOD

"Christmas" vs. "Porn."

(Thanks to wiredog)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, II

Ho Ho Ho.

(Thanks to jon harris)

WE'RE GUESSING HE'S SINGLE

A man shoplifted a fully dressed mannequin from the Sears department store at the Phillipsburg Mall in Lopatcong Township on Sunday, police said.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

Krampus is coming.

(Thanks to funny man)

AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE

Snakes, a monkey, and a lynx among animals seized from home

(Thanks to funny man)

AND WHAT BETTER WAY?

A man who police said drove up the steps of the Indiana War Memorial draped in an American flag and carrying a gun told RTV6 he was trying to spread the message of Jesus Christ.

This Surely Helped: Whitaker mooned police before he threw his gun down the memorial steps and was taken into custody.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TASTEFUL

Television show hosts eat each other’s flesh in front of studio audience

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HO HO HO

Somebody's definitely going to hell.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'BEFORE IT LEFT, IT URINATED'

Flying Squirrel In Queens Has One Family On Alert

(Thanks to funny man)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TRAGICALLY, THE STORY DOES NOT LIVE UP TO THE HEADLINE

Camel swallows woman in pedicure mishap

(Thanks to ubetcha)

MY KIND OF TOWN, CHICAGO IS

Cabbies want 22 percent fare hike, vomit clean-up tax

(Thanks to Dave the Librarian, who says "Good luck collecting." Also thanks to oldfatguy.)

UPDATE FROM NEW YORK CITY

There are celebrities EVERYWHERE.

NIGHTLIFE IN LOUISIANA

Handicap Scooter Bumper Car Competition At Walmart Ends In 2:30 AM Arrest Of Drunken Louisiana Guy

(Thanks to Ralph and Unholy Slacker)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using golf carts.

(Thanks to many people)

BUT NO CAKE

Police: Man Celebrated 45th Birthday With $283 Worth Of Food Stuffed In Pants

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Don Faber)

DESERT ROMANCE

A camel falls in love.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)