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March 30, 2011

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT MISSOURI LACKS CULTURE

This blog snorts in derision.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

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He won't sell?! Dang, and I was all set to submit a bid!

it's snatchwork

as a native Iowan i can only smile with smug derision and say, "That's Missouri."

If my eyes serve me correctly, there are some big panties on that quilt.

These quilt patterns come to mind: Tufted Cherry, Triangle Puzzle, Toad in the Puddle, Rosebud, Puss-in-the-Corner, Fantastic Patch, Cherry Basket...just sayin'

Huh. I've had Petri dishes that showed more culture.

Think I recognize a few of them - belonged to my girl fiends too!

... well, the smaller ones ...

You Might Be A Missouri Redneck if....


You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

more...

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.


and still more...

You clothing designer is Oskosh B'Gosh
if you own a bolo tie.
you ever wore a tube top to a wedding.
if you ever wore a baseball cap to a wedding.
If your baseball cap says "Dekalb" or "Cat."
If the roof on your house has "MERRIMEC CAVERNS-JESSEE JAMES HIDEOUT" painted on it (WALL DRUG would qualify for this too)
You think the joke " a calf poked his head in the silo and said is my fodder in here?" is a knee slapper.
If you ever picked your teeth from a catalogue OR with a long piece of grass.
You think a Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.
If you have ever castrated anything.
if you ever broke a tooth on birdshot at dinner.
If your fishing poles leaning against the doorame have dired bait still on the hooks.
If you ever warn your kids not to go into a certain building on your property because it might fall in on them.
If all of your shoes have mud or poop on them.
If your bluejeans have cuffs.
if all of your wife's clothes are "stretch"
if there are packages in your freezer marked "Squirrel"
if you ever recieved a box of bandanna hankerchiefs for christmas

Sandy, I think he's single in case you're interested.

Bitchin' Stitchin'!

no thanks, silly cindy - hicks are for kids ;)

One thing you can't call him: A panty waste..

*snork* @ sean - 'he doesn't waste a thong'

He ain't got enough class to be considered redneck. Glad he doesn't want any 'farm girl' ones, 'cuz this farm girl ain't sharing. Stay ignorant, dude - what you're missing would kill you.

Somebody please make a teacozy outta his jockstrap.

Hey, I said "Ouch!" to three of manual tomato's offerings. Actually, one got two Ouch's because I called twice for backup when going out after dogs.
In both cases, the local police wished me luck. In the last case, I found myself looking at the wrong end of a shotgun from about 3 feet away.
Awkward.

My cap says "Stihl" so I guess I'm not a redneck. Bummer.

I thought your cap said "still", Annie.

Yeah, he looks like he has "relationships" that result in harvesting panties. B&E or snagging them off'n the line is more likely.

We have the machete slingshot, a panties quilt, and manual tomato's checklist. Truly culture has reached an all time peak.

I KNOW that guy!

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