Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: MISSISSIPPI

Dog defecating in yard leads to shooting

(Thanks to Rick Day and jon harris)

WE KNOW PEOPLE WHO'LL PROVIDE IT FOR FREE

The High Price of Vomit on Washington State Ferries

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

BUT SHE MEANS IT IN A POSITIVE WAY

A woman in Waco, Texas, who named her burger joint "Fat Ho Burgers" has found herself in a big fat conflict with a neighboring cafe.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Man gets prison for punching out his lawyer

Key Name We Are Not Making Fun Of: Gaylord Tootsie Daney

(Thanks to manual tomato)

AND IF WE CAN'T BELIEVE LIU NAIYING, WHO CAN WE BELIEVE?

A sheep gave birth to a dog on a farm in China, claims its owner Liu Naiying, who has had people flocking to see the woolly 'lamb-puppy'.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT BUBBLE BATH

YORKVILLE, ILL— About 2,500 yellow rubber ducks were stolen in suburban Yorkville and Police are asking for any information that might lead them to the stash.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi, bonmot and Matt Filar)

BUT FIRST, A SPELLCHECKER TREATMENT

Oldest NFL chearleader Laura Vikmanis' story getting the Hollywood treatment

(Thanks to oldfatguy)

WE WERE GOING TO POST THIS ITEM

But we didn't get around to it.

(Thanks to Malcolm Hoar)

THIS WAY SHE CAN SIGN INTO REHAB FASTER

Lindsay Lohan plans to drop last name to be identified only by her single moniker, says mom Dina

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FRED, WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Fred was the ringleader of a group of baboons infamous breaking into cars to chow down on sandwiches and snacks. Cape Town's baboon management group said he was euthanized Friday because he was becoming increasingly aggressive.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

I don't know if we met Fred last summer, but we definitely met some of his relatives:

ALL GOD'S CREATURES ARE WONDERFUL

But some are more wonderful than others.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

FRANCE IS ON RED ALERT

Poland reports herd of bison missing, may have crossed into Ukraine

(Thanks to Brian Pries)

APPEARING SOON ON THE VIEW

Turtle found that pooped plastic for a month

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

JUSTICE

SAN ANTONIO — A Texas jury ruled Thursday that a 17-year-old beauty queen allegedly told to "get off the tacos" after gaining weight was wrongly stripped of her crown and has had it returned by a judge.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THE BURGEONING WORLDWIDE EPIDEMIC OF GUYS PUTTING TOILETS ON THEIR LAWNS

It has spread to Maine.

(Thanks to Kibby F5)

WE'RE ASSUMING THAT AT SOME POINT ALCOHOL WAS ALSO INVOLVED

The latest sport to arrive on the market involves a skateboard, some rope, and a horse.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF THIS DOESN'T INCREASE PUBLIC AWARENESS OF WORLD WATER DAY, THIS BLOG DOESN'T KNOIW WHAT WILL

A Los Angeles motorist crashed his car while distracted by two naked women taking a shower by the side of the road.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF THEY RESPOND, LET'S SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

One of Britain's most prestigious orchestras has performed to a rather unusual audience -- row upon row of plants, in an attempt to see whether the music helps them grow.

(Thanks to Ralph)

FUN -- AND CLEAN! -- COUPLE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Hoffman "reached over and unscrewed the cap . . . then purposely poured the detergent out of the bottle and onto (his girlfriend's) legs." The girlfriend, Hoffman said, stuck her hand in the spilled detergent and wiped some on his face.

The brand of detergent wasn't listed.

(Thanks to Ralph)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

Maybe Dad needs an umbilical-cord phone charger.

Key Feature: The rubbery cord with a purpled-vein appearance is two-feet long and pulsates when plugged into a socket.

(Thanks to Alison McQuade)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

Russian President Welcomes Deep Purple to His Home

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

UPDATE IN THE WAR AGAINST CREEPING FASCISM

Oak Ridge man plans to fight citation over flower potty

(Thanks to Carol Ann and Chris Lawson)

THE NEWS FROM CANADA

Sex doll swiped from Calgary shop

Key Crimestopper Detail: "The male went southeast through a parking lot and jumped a fence carrying the torso like a football," said Insp. James Hardy.

This has been The News From Canada.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FLORIDA

There's definitely something in the water down here.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Poker, Elizabeth and Siouxie)

IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR AN OLD-FASHIONED NO-AUTOTUNE-WITHIN-1500-MILES KICKASS SONG, CRANK UP YOUR SPEAKERS...

...and click here.

(Thanks to Mr. Josh Kelly, drummer for the Remainders)

BIGFOOT UPDATE

He still has an uncanny ability to remain out of focus.

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

THEY ARE IF YOU'RE HOLDING THEM IN YOUR HAND

Oregon court rules teeth not considered dangerous weapon in a fight

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

WAIT... WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE SUSPECTING THIS WOULD HAPPEN?

HATTIESBURG, Miss. - It was a normal Tuesday morning until a man in his birthday suit crashed through the ceiling of an unsuspecting woman.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

AS A PRECAUTION, THEY WERE SENT TO NEW JERSEY TO BE DETONATED

BIRMINGHAM, Alabama - The suspicious package that caused police to shut down streets around the main post office in downtown Birmingham this morning turned out to be a pair of tennis shoes in a shoe box, Birmingham police say.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

REST EASY, NEW JERSEY

Fruit basket exploded by state police in Bridgeton

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

AND PEOPLE SAY NOBODY MAKES GREAT MOVIES ANY MORE

How can you possibly top Sharktopus? One word: Piranhaconda!

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now: coyotes.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BLATANT DISCRIMINATION AGAINST WOMEN

Suttle unrolls toilet paper tax

(Thanks to oldfatguy and Robert Mathis, who views this as "a terrible way to wipe out the federal deficit.")

YOU CAN MINOR IN CHUPACABRAS

Siberia plans 'institute to study yetis'

(Thanks to jon harris)

MAYBE NOT ENTIRELY

At the Starkenberger Brewery in Tarrenz, Austria, you can take a dip in the world's only pool filled entirely with beer.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CONVENIENTLY...

...he already has a Florida license.

Helpful Explanation: “I stepped on my brake, I stepped on and off the brake, I don’t know what the hell happened,” Pisano recalled about an hour later, eating a plate of food in the dining room.

(Thanks to Paul Roub)

SAVE THE DATE

July 20, baby. Be there.

Key Selling Point: "Hands on."

(Thanks to Loren Blinde)

AND THEY SAY YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH A LIBERAL-ARTS EDUCATION

Reporter Becomes Pimp After Having Pay Cut

(Thanks to Bruce)

CSI: CANADA

Asked by officers why he was walking around nude, the man retorted, asking why they were wearing clothes.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IN FLORIDA, THIS WOULD BE A MOVING VIOLATION

Because we drive on the right-hand side of the stairs.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

POSSIBLY AN EVEN BETTER OFFER THAN THE FREE BEER-PONG BALLS

This blog has received the following email, which certainly seems legit, as it involves Zip Kelly III, director of the FBI (which is located in Washington D.C. Room 7767):

From The Desk of: Dr. Barry Brown
Executive Chairman Fund Department
Telephone: 409-407-08177
E-mail: barrybrownaccountant@hotmail.com

Attention:

FEDERAL  BUREAU  OF INVESTIGATION  F.B.I. 

WASHINGTON  DC
WASHINGTON D.C ROOM,7767,

J. EDGAR HOOVER FBI BUILDING,
933 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,

Good day, be well informed that your ATM card valued at US$2.5Million has been approved, kindly contact Dr. Barry Brown immediately with the below contact details and also reconfirm your personal information to him so that he can proceed with the delivery of your ATM Card.

Contact person: Dr. Barry Brown
Executive Chairman Fund Department.
Telephone: 409-477-9080
E-mail: barrybrownaccountant@hotmail.com

Re-Confirm Your Information's.

1) Your full name.

2) Phone, fax

3) Country

4) Company name, position

5) Professions, age and marital status.

6) Working d/Int'l passport.

God Bless You,

Regards,
Mr. Zip Kelly   III Director FBI.

AND YOU SHOULD SEE HOW HE PERFORMS CIRCUMCISIONS

Philadelphia Breast Surgeon Moonlights as Knife Thrower

(Thanks to Ralph)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Neighbor attacked with marshmallow fork

(Thanks to Ralph)

RELIGION UPDATE

Christian pole dancing class creating controversy

(Sent in by many people)

AN OFFER LIKE THIS COMES ALONG ONLY ONCE IN A LIFETIME

Hello,
My name is Laina and first of all I have to say your site is fabulous. Your entries are very detailed and well rounded, and I love all of the fun information and pictures that are posted. I'm contacting you as a member of the online marketing team working for Party Pong Tables, a custom design beer pong table retailer with a growing online presence at http://www.partypongtables.com. Party Pong Tables carries a large variety of beer pong tables and balls, as well as custom designed beer pong tables and balls with designs from the NFL, NBA, MBA, College, NHL, and Playboy. We are interested in your rates for sponsored posts, and whether you would consider free party pong balls as payment for such a post and/or link. We are also interested in reviews of the site or featuring of a beer pong table we sell with a link to the website.
I look forward to hearing from you!

YET HUGH HEFNER IS 137

Yes, sex can kill you, U.S. study shows

(Thanks to Chris Elzi, RussellMc and Mark Schlesinger)

UPDATE: PETER AND THE STARCATCHER OFF-BROADWAY

Here's a new trailer, or whatever you call it when it's for a play.

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT, ALL RIGHT

Chavez says capitalism may have ended life on Mars

(Thanks to oldfatguy)

AS IS HER SACRED CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

MARCH 22--After being denied a kiss yesterday by a neighbor 39 years her junior, a 92-year-old Florida woman allegedly returned to her home, retrieved a .380 semi-automatic handgun, and fired several shots into the man’s residence.

(Thanks to bonmot, Mark Schlesinger and Jeff Meyerson, who says "Let's play 'Guess the state where this happened.'")

ATTENTION, NOBEL COMMITTEE

Cats Are a Main Cause of Bird Deaths

(Thanks to MOTW)