Dave Barry's Blog

UNFORTUNATELY, BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

...we cannot link to this fascinating story about a plan by British intelligence services in the First World War to use semen as invisible ink.

(Thanks to bonmot and Layzeeboy)

GREAT MOMENTS IN TV JOURNALISM

Closer inspection revealed that the polar bear was, in fact, a cow.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE ADVISE YOU NOT TO CLICK ON THIS LINK

Doctors Laser Worm Inside Man's Eye

We especially advise you not to read this quote: "It actually lives underneath the retina of the eye and crawls around and eats the retina."

(Thanks to Deb Watson)

A BLOW TO CREEPING FASCISM

The fundamental human right to attend a city council meeting in boxer shorts has, for now, been upheld.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

UPDATE: SNAKES MAKING NEWS

During the festival, a procession is taken around the village in which a snake is carried in a cane basket. The snake is then made to bite a devotee, a local holy man, on his tongue in order to invoke the blessings of TejaJi.

WE'VE STAYED IN HOTELS LIKE THAT

Man seeks world rope-sleeping record

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who's guessing he's single)

SOON TO BE A REALITY-TV SHOW

Firefighters Cooking Naked

(Thanks to funnyman)

JACK BAUER IS NOT GONE

He's on Avenue A.

(Thanks to funnyman)

BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT ETC.

We cannot etc., dude.

(Thanks to Jerald Nichols)

THE EPIDEMIC OF GIANT TOILET SNAKES

It has reached Poland.

(Thanks to bonmot)

UPDATE: Also, the Bronx.

(Thanks to Lisa Aschkenasy)

THIS ITEM IS TOO OLD TO LINK TO

...which is just as well, because our strict policy would have prevented us anyway.

(Thanks to Ross Holley)

THE WORST KIND OF MOVING VIOLATION

Driving a septic-tank truck while under the influence.

(Thanks to JT)

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

And we don't want to know.

(Thanks to Mary)

ORIGINALLY THERE WERE 27 OSMOND BROTHERS; ONLY 5 SURVIVED DANCE TRAINING

Boy band THE OSMOND BROTHERS had a secret weapon to ensure its dance routines impressed - martial arts master CHUCK NORRIS was their dance teacher.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IS DELHI READY FOR GAMES?

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from answering that question.

(Thanks to shtanga)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

The Japanese have developed strawberry Cheetos.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

This reminds us that a while back we had a lot of posts about the World's Largest Cheeto, which was on display in Algona, Iowa. Does anybdy know if it still is? And whatever happened to the plan to build the World's Largest Lava Lamp in Soap Lake, Wash.? It even had an official song! Did the Giant Lava Lamp receive any of the hundreds of billions of dollars in federal stimulus funds? If not, why not? This blog wants some answers, dammit.

TODAY'S FASHION REPORT FROM LONDON

They are stark naked over there.

This has been Today's Fashion Report from London.

ADVISORY: Not particularly safe for work.

(Thanks to Fashion Observer Jeff Meyerson)

 

THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES WE WISHED WE HAD SOME AT THE BEACH

Spray-on clothing.

(Thanks to jon harris)

CONVENIENT

Semi hauling fire extinguishers catches fire

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR CREAM

Mouse-eating opossums run amok in Brooklyn

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

TASTE ME DUAL-NOZZLE SPRAYER, YE SCURVY DOG

Man, 71, fights off intruder with Swiffer WetJet

(Thanks to Chuck "Bloodbucket" Cody)

AVAST, DUDE

Thar be one mellow rhino.

(Thanks to Joe "Joe in Japan" in Japan)

AVAST, WENCHES

We're thinking he be single.

(Thanks to Dread Pirate Ralph)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON, ME HEARTIES

Bloodsucking Warrior Worms Destroy and Eat the Enemy

(Thanks to long jon harris)

"Bloodsucking Warrior Worms" WBAGNFARRRRRRRRRRRB.

 

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

THIS BLOG WOULD DEFINITELY FLUNK

Here's a sign at this blog's daughter's elementary school:

MAYBE LINDSAY LOHAN WILL RESCUE THE SNAKES

Paris Hilton 'rescues' 20 bunnies from snakes; snakes now very hungry

(Thanks to Ralph)

THAT LINE NEVER WORKS FOR US

State health investigators were not surprised when they heard about the Miami woman who was approached in a parking lot and offered injections to improve the appearance of her buttocks.

NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS

Did Jupiter and Saturn play pinball with Uranus?

(Thanks to insomniac)

THERE ARE SOME THINGS A MAN DOES NOT SAY TO A WOMAN

Prosecutors in Washington state say an 18-year-old woman stabbed a 19-year-old man for teasing her that her feet smelled.

(Thanks to WriterDude)

SUDDENLY, JERSEY SHORE LOOKS LIKE MASTERPIECE THEATER

Cable network E! has announced a new show "Bridalplasty" in which 12 engaged women live in a mansion together and compete in "wedding-themed" challenges to win plastic surgery procedures from each bride's wish list.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WHY WE LOVE DOGS, REASON 2038

They're consistent.

(Thanks to Mr. Gene Weingarten)

SPEAKING OF CLASSY

'That's a nice tie,' the Duke said, before leaning over to matronly Miss Goldie, 60, and asking: 'Do you have any knickers in that material?'

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

YOUR HIT PARADE OF PIRATE SONGS

Honorary Remaindarrrrrrr Rogarrrrr McGuinn is Number One.

NEXT STOP: FLORIDA

PORTLAND, Ore. -- A TriMet bus driver was caught on video by a passenger, reading a Kindle while driving down I-5 Thursday.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BECAUSE IT SAYS 'CLASSY'

A curious phenomenon has emerged at the intersection of fashion, sports and crime: dozens of men and women who have robbed, beaten, stabbed and shot at their fellow New Yorkers have done so while wearing Yankees caps or clothing.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

REMINDARRRRRRRR

It be soon, me hearties.

IT'S A GREAT COUNTRY

Too wide to ride: obese visitors force Harry Potter ride to upsize

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

Oktoberfest to tackle stink of stale beer with microbe

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

USING ONLY HIS MIND

Darth Vader robs store

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS BLOG SUPPORTS THEM

NC commission remains divided on coastal groins

Key Names: Renee Cahoon, Joan Weld, Joe Hackney

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THEY WON'T GET FAR ON FOOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

34,000 sleeping tablets go missing from hospital in Tokyo

(Thanks to John Grant)

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY THEY SHOULD BE BANNED

Jersey City woman says boyfriend beat her with a cat

(Thanks to Allen at Dilvision)

HEY, CLOSE ENOUGH

Chicken head found in order of wings

(Thanks to Onterrible)

PLEASE, PEOPLE

Don't drink and tow.

(Thanks to Bill Ostroot)

THAT WILL TEACH HIM

A Queens man was slapped with a parking ticket as he lay dead in the driver's seat of his car, cops and family said Wednesday.

(Thanks to qsman)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Woman allegedly performed model walk, asked for 'Amanda rights' during traffic stop

From the Police Report: "She walked up and down the line with hands on her hips three additional times."

(Thanks to queensbee)

CHICKS DIG IT

Become a werewolf.

(Thanks to South Dakota Smith)

WE'RE GOING BY SHIP

An apparently intoxicated U.S. pilot was pulled from the cockpit of his Delta Air Lines jet as he prepared to fly from Amsterdam to Newark, N.J., on Tuesday, officials said.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

EVEN WORSE THAN BEDBUGS

Deadly cobras ended up in people's toilets, kitchens and roads in southwestern China, after more than 160 of them escaped from an illegal breeding laboratory in early September, government officials said.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)