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December 16, 2009


Drunk Santa scares kids while looking for his reindeer

(Thanks to Ralph)


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Just another airline pilot. What could go wrong flying around the world at a bajillion miles an hour loaded? Would the reindeer bring him home like a Amish horse?

Growing up, the only Santa I ever saw was on his meal break as a cop. He kept his service revolver strapped on the outside of the red suit.

"On Dasher, On Dancer, On Pranther, On Fixins. On Comics, On Coupons, On Donny and Marie. Oh yeah, and RUDOLPH! Where are ya, ya Bastid? Get out here you mutant! BRRRAAAP!"

And he said as they rode out of sight, "I swear, Officer, only one drink all night!"

Boy, Tom Arnold has really gone down since he split with Rosanne.

As long as he doesn't fly 150 miles past Minneapolis. That would be a lot of crying kids.

"In a neighborhood lit up with Santas . . ." he was just one more lit up Santa, now wasn't he?

*snork* @ Hammondrye.

Ho Ho ...urrp!

Wisconsin, where else?

"He smelled like alcohol. So I knew it wasn't the real Santa because Santa doesn't drink alcohol," says 9-year-old Katie Dockerty.

They had Katie on MSNBC this morning; pretty sharp kid.

Santa... Reindeer... Rudolph... Reminds me of what Lileks said years ago...

What’s the problem with the red nose, anyway? These are reindeer who can fly, which isn’t a feature in the original attribute profile. So a guy has a red nose - fine, it’s unusual, but please explain why this must result in ostracization. We need a little more backstory: maybe the last deer with a red nose when mad and gored everyone. “They called it Bloodmas Eve - aye, the older reindeer still talk about it. The red-nosed one stood in the stable door, eyes wide as wagon wheels, gore-flecked foam gushing from his mouth, the entrails of our friends wrapped around his antlers like string in a cat’s cradle. His nose burned like a coal from Satan's furnace, it did; the snow made a horrible hiss as it touched the nose and sizzled into steam. He made a cry they say no reindeer has ever made before, or since - a sound of pain and fury that would chill the blood of the Abominable One himself.

"Then he started in on the elves.

" No, those red-nosed ones are always bad. Good thing Rudolph ran away, or we’d have killed him - why, Santa was out in the shed honing the axe when he heard he’d run off with that gay fellow from the paint department.”

Good luck tomorrow, cindy!

A little too much of The Night Train before Christmas.

Thank you Jeff. This is a brief excerpt of the conversation I had with my doctor yesterday.
Me: So how long will I be in the hospital.
Him: You can go home about 3-4 hours after your surgery.
Me: You're going to cut my back open!
Him: I promise to sew it back up before you leave.
Me: Will I get drugs?
Him: Yes. In fact I will give them to you now if it will shut you up.
At any rate I now have some nice Percodans to help me through this difficult time. I don't handle pain well.

*snork* @ Hammie!

That's it. I'm gonna stop leaving mojitos for Santa.

Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
stumbled drunk Santa; he was quite soused.

Hey, in Wisconsin this time of year, it ain't just the reindeer that are Blitzen.

And Siouxz? If you don't leave Santa a mojito he's gonna take all the batteries out of your presents. Well, except for the ones with kick starters. But he'll pull the spark plugs on those.

*Adds good wishes to nursecindy*

Good luck, nursecindy!

But were the reindeer found? GL nurseCindy, pain sucks.

nc, I had disk surgery ten years ago this week. Is that what you're getting? I had lost foot and nerve function before they allowed me to see a specialist, I never got all of it back. You need anti-nausea in the anesthesia... Percoset's amazing -- I made my husband take me Xmas shopping 2 days later. But take your time, do your walking, even if you need a cane for a while - you need to carry yourself straight. Enjoy the drugs while you can!

Hopefully, you can have a laptop in bed and let us know how you're doing!

pad, he'll take my batteries from my cold, exhausted dead hands.

I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers, nursecindy. But you have the good drugs, so you'll be just fine.

Only if he can get the frozen smile off your face, Siouxz.

The kids' dad was outside with them when Santa came into the yard Sunday afternoon. They all agree it's one of the strangest things they've seen.

They don't get down to So Florida, do they?

{{ nursecindy }}

I believe his level of intoxication probably impaired his judgment

Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Good luck, cindy.

Well, at least he didn't have 14 mistresses and crash his sleigh into a fire plug.

just happened to watch Bad Santa last nite. what a great flick.

i watched elf last night. funny stuff.
yule be fine cindy. :)

Godspeed and good karma, nursecindy ! We're praying for ya !

Cindy, you're going to be fine. I know the Big Guy and he's all over it. ;)

*HAMMIESNORK!!* *waves* at Hammie!!!

Eggnog was involved.

Good luck, cindy. It sounds like you're in very good hands, so have faith in the good doctor and let him do his magic. And bring a recorder so you can distinguish the stuff you actually say while under the influence from the stuff that they tell you you said.

*Sends major healing vibes*

he'd better not pout
he'd better not fight
he'd better not talk
(it's a miranda right)
santa claus is going to jail!

tanked to the gills
and feeling quite fine
can't find his reindeer
or walk a straight line
santa claus is going to jail!

he's peed some in your snowbank
his hygiene's not that great
some coffee'd do him real good
but the north pole 'Y's not open late!

so he's coming out of
his stuporous haze
can't recall when
he was handcuffed or tased
santa claus is going to jail!

' "He smelled like alcohol. So I knew it wasn't the real Santa because Santa doesn't drink alcohol," says 9-year-old Katie Dockerty.'

Now that's not entirely correct. I pointed out to my kids when they were little, that Santa got milk and cookies at everybody else's house. We decided they should leave him a beer and tuna sandwich, you know, the good stuff, whatever was in the fridge.

good luck, nursecindy

and siouxie-- watch out for carpal tunnel syndrome ;)

Beautiful, insom. Been a while since I've seen your stylings!

love it, insom!!!!
sounds like you'll get some grooovey drugs...

xelent Insom. You scan good.

Dad, aunt in NC and neighbor all had back surgery for asundry disks, ruptures spurs and such. All dreaded and all said afterward they wished they had done it sooner. Hope you come back better than new.

Katie D0ckerty: Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time Santa gets arrested an angel gets his wish.
Katie's Dad: That's right, that's right.....

*at the Sparta jail*
Hey, there, "Santa". My name's Angel....

Angel: Hey, fat guy in the red suit, where should I put this Christmas tree?

And that, dear childrenm is how the angel ended up at the top of the Christmas tree.

(Good luck, nursecindy - don't read this blog when you have stitches - it may hurt to laugh. Sorry, butt it's our job.)

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