Dave Barry's Blog

WE DON'T THINK THIS IS WEIRD AT ALL

(Thanks to Nathan Graff)

HAIR-FASHION BREAKTHROUGH

The Skullet

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

SPORTS UPDATE

(Thanks to jon harris)

WANT TO TRAIN LIKE THE PROS?

No thanks!

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE NEED A SITE LIKE THIS FOR THE SLAP CHOP

The Snuggie Sutra

(Thanks to Gary)

GOD HELP AUSTRALIA IF THAT THING EVER POOPS

Giant seagull appears behind Nine newsreader Peter Hitchener

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Jeff Meyerson, Janice Gelb and catmanmax)

IMAGINE HOW THE CHICKEN FELT

Chicken head horrified Preston shopper

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

USE THE FORCE, LUKE!

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CAT INDESTRUCTABILITY UPDATE

First we had the freezer cat, and now this.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

WE'RE THINKING MAYBE HE'S SINGLE

(Thanks to cdelorey)

AS FORETOLD IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

Woman Sees Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in Pork Chop

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Matt Filar)

NOTTINGHAM TRAFFIC ADVISORY

Watch out for giblets.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SLUTS

FEMALE redback spiders eat male mates who do not spend enough time on foreplay.

To keep cranky females happy, their partners have to spend about 100 minutes on courtship, doing things such as vibrating their webs and rubbing their tummies.

But once the fickle babes are brought to a peak of amorous and receptive behaviour, they will let a stray male mate with them even if he hasn't done any courting at all.

(Thanks to Ralph)

In other spider-sex news, we have this.

(Thanks to Rafi Farber)

And in vaguely related alarming spider news, we have this.

(Thanks to Siouxie, Andy Walker and PhilB)

SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

Other names that our strict policy prevents us from making fun of may be found here and here.

(Thanks to PerroMax and Karen Fehlauer)

TRAGIC, BUT IT SUGGESTS SEVERAL GOOD NAMES FOR ROCK BANDS

Escaped ostrich rampage ends in truck death

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: STROUDSBURG

Police are looking for a clumsy, rude, bald thief who tipped over a barrel of grease while trying to defecate in it, while immortalizing himself on a security camera.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHATEVER THIS MEANS, IT SOUNDS BAD

Punters blow even more on pokies in Queensland

(Thanks to DavCat)

LAP-DANCING IN THE NEWS

CHEYENNE -- A local man has been charged in federal court with counterfeiting money, allegedly to pay an exotic dancer for a private session at a motel.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

US internet company Yahoo! has apologised to Taiwanese clients over a lap dance show organised during a brainstorming meeting for internet engineers in Taipei over the weekend.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

Brainstorming, eh?

SOME DAY, THIS KNOWLEDGE COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE

How to Shoot an Anvil 200 Feet in the Air

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve and RussellMc)

FOR THE SPECIAL SOMEONE WHO ALREADY HAS A SET OF USED TEETH GRILLS

...an alien cow-abduction lamp.

(Thanks to John Regan)

HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA

Give that special someone a set of used teeth grills.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and catmanmax)

ON U.S. AIRLINES, THEY CHARGE YOU EXTRA FOR THIS

British Airways cancelled a flight between Edinburgh and London after a passenger said he saw a tarantula crawling between his legs.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE GOTTA GET A DIFFERENT JOB

This never happens at the Herald.

(Thanks to billinbossier)

CITRUS COUNTY

It's cooterrific!

Key Inducement: The excitement will begin Friday evening in downtown Inverness with two live bands, the Mighty Mongos and Lucky Penny, as well as the Miss Cooter pageant. Admission is free, and attendees are advised to bring a picnic table and be ready to dance.

On the table?

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FUNNY

But true.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Man Arrested, Claims To Be Meat Loaf

(Thanks to queensbee)

CULINARY UPDATE

We think we blogged this already, but just in case...

(Thanks to Frances Willard)

FOR ONE THING, IT'S FILLING THEM UP WITH EXPIRED PASSWORDS

UCLA Study: The Internet Is Altering Our Brains

(Thanks to Siouxie)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL MAY HAVE ETC.

Man Stabs Son with Corkscrew over Toilet Dispute

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

We saw Toilet Dispute open for the Troggs.

FUN DUDE

A man has spent 15 years and 5,000 pounds building a model of a North Sea oil rig out of four million matchsticks.

Key Quote from Man: "It's good fun and keeps the grey matter working."

Key Quote from Wife: "I am absolutely sick to death at the sight of a matchstick but I think there is still more to come, unfortunately."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Crime-Fighting Leech

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Guin)

IF HE DID THIS FOR STARBUCKS, THE DISTANCE WOULD BE 17 FEET

An artist has identified the "McFarthest Spot" -- the place in the continental U.S. that is farthest away from a McDonald's.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MAYBE HE MEANT IT IN AN AFFECTIONATE WAY

A WOMAN is seeking a divorce after she found out that her husband had nicknamed her "Guantanamo" on his mobile phone.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HEY, THOSE RENTAL SHOES DON'T JUST PUT THEMSELVES AWAY

A judge has ruled that working in a bowling alley is not community service.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HE HAD BETTER TAKE THE EXTENDED WARRANTY

A man who took a car out for a test drive has been arrested in Wisconsin - after he allegedly kidnapped the car salesman and drove for over 1,000 miles.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EARTH IS DOOMED

Somebody stole a life-size fiberglass cow highlighting climate change.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WHY WE LOVE THE SUN

The Sun can make a story out of anything.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ART UPDATE

A visitor walked into a wall he could not see inside Miroslaw Balka's installation 'How It Is'.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WAIT... WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

A WET T-shirt controversy has broken out among female firefighters who have complained their new Rural Fire Service shirts become see-through when wet.

(Thanks to DavCat)

HE WAS IN A HURRY TO GET TO FLORIDA

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE ALL-KLINGON EMINEM TRIBUTE ACT THIS YEAR...

Make it Klenginem.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: an Ikea bathroom door.

(Thanks to jon harris)

CUSTOMER SERVICE

Or else.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

WHEN KEBAB SAUCE IS OUTLAWED, ONLY KEBAB SALESMEN WILL HAVE KEBAB SAUCE

BERLIN (Reuters) – German police are investigating a chilli sauce to determine whether it was so spicy that it was capable of causing grievous bodily harm when used in an attack.
Police took a sample of the sauce from a kebab stand in Bremen's central train station after a kebab salesman threw it into the eyes of a customer during a fight over napkins.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

KANYE WEST INTERRUPTED THE AUCTION TO PROCLAIM THAT BEYONCE'S HAIR IS BETTER

A clump of what is purported to be Elvis's hair sold for $15,000.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

SEND HER TO WASHINGTON

A traveling dominatrix.

(Thanks to Ralph)

PLUS, IF HE NEEDED TO PICK HIS NOSE, HE COULD ALWAYS STEER WITH HIS FEET

A MAN caught driving while using two mobile phones has told police it was ok because he had one finger on the wheel at all times.

(Thanks to DavCat and Ralph)

CAT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

It survived 19 hours in a freezer.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

TODAY'S CRIME UPDATE

Unfortunately, our policy against making fun of names prohibits us from bringing you today's crime update.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

SHE HAS OUR SUPPORT

(Thanks to Brian Duval)