Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: LAWRENCEBURG

Police officers were summoned to intervene in a fight that erupted at a Roberts Avenue home Saturday evening after one man applied makeup to another while he was unconscious.

Incredibly, alcohol may have been involved.

(Thanks to queensbee)

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

Prisoners get drunk on swine flu hand gel

(Thanks to Anil Haji)

NOT IN MIAMI

Demand among male shoppers for pantyhose has apparently been soaring over the past five years.

(Thanks to Bill, and Anil Haji)

NEW HOPE FOR CONGRESS

(Thanks to jon harris)

WE DON'T PAY OUR FIREFIGHTERS ENOUGH

Firefighters dodge sparks as they saw through metal ring into which man had inserted his penis. He used the weight in effort to make it longer, but it got stuck for three days.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

A Frenchman was arrested for drunk driving after taking his car to a police station to distribute Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlets there, police said Wednesday.

(Thanks to nursecindy and Jeff Meyerson)

HAPPENS TO US ALL THE TIME

A large water rat sneaked into a motor home and attacked a woman as she lay in her bed, after she had mistaken the animal for her three-legged cat.

(Thanks to DavCat)

IT SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES

Italian police seize mafia boss's pet crocodile

(Thanks to Cynthia, Jonathan and nursecindy)

THIS EXPLAINS THE LACK OF PRODUCTIVITY

The average British man or woman has slept with 2.8 million people -- albeit indirectly, according to figures released on Wednesday to promote awareness of sexual health.

(Thanks to Jonathan)

Related Item: Alcohol may have been involved:

Researchers, who surveyed 3000 women aged 18-50, found on average they slept with eight men, but were drunk with at least five, and on two occasions couldn't remember the man's name the next day...

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FASHION UPDATE

Time for a new hairstyle.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

Update: More exciting fashions here.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Store launches underpants for left-handed men

(Thanks to nursecindy and Jeff Meyerson)

("Underpants Launchers" would be... OK, it would not be a good name for a rock band.)

WE'VE KNOWN GUYS LIKE THIS

Weird New Ghostshark Found; Male Has Sex Organ on Head

(Thanks to padraig, RussellMc and James)

SPOTTED RICHARD DICK UPDATE

(Thanks to Jeff in Moscow, Matt Filar, and Lord Greg)

SWEDISH MILITARY UPDATE

The bras issued to Swedish female military conscripts easily catch fire and are prone to coming undone, making them inappropriate for the battlefield, claims a conscripts’ rights group.

(Thanks to Kent Oots and Dr. Doug)

DOES ANYBODY IN EUROPE WEAR CLOTHES?

The 26-year-old told police that running nude allowed his skin to absorb more oxygen.

(Thanks to DavCat)

Related item:

"I think it's a great way to promote tourism here," Ludwig told Reuters on Tuesday after Bild newspaper published a picture of two women wearing nothing but rucksacks on the trail. "There's already been a lot of interest in it."

(Thanks to Don Faber and nursecindy)

Update: France, of course.

(Thanks to Siouxie and nursecindy)

Also, New Zealand. (Caution: Link not totally 100 percent safe for work.)

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

(Yes, we know New Zealand is not in Europe. It is in Australia.)

AND THEN LET'S PUT IT IN CHARGE OF HEALTH CARE

A Lancashire businessman is letting his pet fish choose who will become the new owners of his £675,000 house.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and nursecindy)

CRICKET

It could catch on.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

'NEITHER RAIN NOR SLEET NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT...'

But DVDs are a different story.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

YUM!

Scientists have captured a squid "larger than a New York City Taxi."

(Thanks to Ralph)

A NICE VACATION FOR YOU AND THE LITTLE LADIES

Polygamy tours.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE LAST RESORT

(Thanks to Siouxie)

CONTINUING WITH TODAY'S THEME

Barney Fife meets 2009 technology

(Thanks to Jonathan Carl)

Update: Barney Fife meets Jack Bauer?

(Thanks to Kirk in Texas and ed chebret)

LAW-ENFORCEMENT DEMONSTRATION OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to nursecindy)

Update: We have a new leader.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

(Thanks to Mike)

DEAD SALMON

They're not as dumb as you think.

(Thanks to Rachel)

THE NATIONAL PASTTIME

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

AFTER WHICH THEY ADVISED IT OF ITS RIGHTS

Police tase, handcuff emu

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Chet Ensign)

IT'S FOR YOU

(Thanks to James)

HIS DEFENSE WILL BE THAT WHERE HE'S FROM, THIS IS LEGAL

Madison police reported arresting a Florida man they said was driving drunk the wrong way on the Beltline early Saturday morning at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour.

(Thanks to padraig)

CANCEL THOSE DINNER PLANS

It turns out that the world ends today.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT HAS A SECRET IDENTITY AS A MUCH MEEKER LIZARD

Spider Man Lizard!

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

LADIES:

We're guessing he's single.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

NO JURY IN THE LAND WILL CONVICT HIM

BRYAN, Texas — A man who was apparently was upset after finding a soda can in his room allegedly used a sword to cut two of his roommates

(Thanks to Siouxie and Anil Haji)

PEOPLE OF NEW JERSEY:

Get out of the water now.

(Thanks to Barbara A.)

A MISTAKE ANYBODY COULD MAKE

Cousin mistook partner for squirrel in hunting accident

(Thanks to DavCat)

IOWA CITY

A nightlife Mecca.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

HIGHLY UNLIKELY TO BE MADE INTO A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Naked man, 91, holds drunken intruder at gunpoint

(Thanks to Don Faber)

FORGET THE CLOWN; FOR YOUR CHILD'S NEXT BIRTHAY PARTY, YOU NEED....

....this guy.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie_

WE DOUBT THIS VERY MUCH

LONDON (Reuters) – British men are becoming increasingly interested in having their eyebrows professionally groomed, according to Debenhams department store which plans to hold men-only "guybrow" nights.

(Thankis to Cynthia)

ATTENTION, LADIES

Meet Bob. He's single!

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WOMEN CAN BE SO PICKY

Wife divorces husband for defecating in pots

(Thanks to Siouxie)

A PRODUCT OFFER YOU CAN'T REFUSE

The Horse Head Pillow

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

WRITING ASSIGNMENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Jack Robertson, superintendent of the Governor Wentworth Regional School District, said the teacher asked students to respond to the question: "If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?"

(Thanks to CJrun)

FLORIDA NAKED MOTORCYCLING UPDATE

It is now officially a fad.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

PARKING-METER SEX UPDATE

Incredibly, alcohol may have been involved.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE JEFFERSON AIRPLANE

Frantic Kangaroo

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE ON OUR WAY!

(Thanks to Dan Fries)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Now they're going after bats.

(Thanks to Dr. Doug)

ARRRRRRRRRRRR

And to all you hearties of the Jewish faith: Happy New Yearrr.