Here is where we stand:
Last week the evil African subplot Juma and his fighting frogpersons were killed in a firefight in the White House. Bill was also killed, causing Jack to experience angst, but he got over it in time to interrogate Ryan Burnett, the mole and aide to Sen. That Seventies Show. But while Jack was in the hospital room, an assassin named Quinn, taking advantage of the hospital's spacious and modern Overhead Assassin Walkway System, paralyzed Jack with nerve gas, and killed Burnett in such a way as to frame Jack. Quinn was sent by evil puppetmaster Jon Voight, who has acquired some kind of evil thing that has not been identified yet, which he of course plans to use to kill many thousands of innocent people.
So now Jack -- a rogue agent, pursued by his own government -- must singlehandedly save America from an evil mastermind puppetmaster in possession of a Thing of Death. We surely have never seen a plot like THAT before!
Edgar is still dead.
Stay tuned at the end of tonight's episode in the comments section for the return of The Amazing Steve, who will explain what happened. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll (for security reasons, the "h"s have been left out of Jon Voight's last name):
UPDATE: OK, this is the previous show, but: Did Kumar urinate on House's chair?
UPDATE: Good thing Jack picked a car with the EZ HotWire option.
UPDATE: "Bauer is an extremely impressive operative." "You don't have to tell me that."
UPDATE: "Tell them to pack their pajamas and their toothbrushes." They had better be paying Jon Voight a LOT of money for this.
UPDATE: OK, did anybody just see the "Town Gown" commercial where the mannekins broke off their fingers? Or am I on LSD again?
UPDATE: Does everybody find Olivia as irritating as I do? Good.
UPDATE: They're going to Mirandize Renee! Those lucky bastards.
UPDATE: I love the way Sen. That Seventies Show, when he sees Bauer, says, quote: "Bauer."
UPDATE: So far, a half hour of our lives totally wasted.
UPDATE: IS that supposed to be the press corps? Applauding?
UPDATE: Olivia leaked about Ethan, right?
UPDATE: Remember when they used the power drill on Morris's shoulder? Now that was an episode.
UPDATE: Or maybe they just want us to think Olivia leaked about Ethan.
UPDATE: Blowfish 148! That's a very good encryption.
UPDATE: Could these computer screens look any faker? I didn't think so.
UPDATE: Let's see: 53 FBI agents vs. Jack Bauer. Hahahahaha.
UPDATE: Jack deeply regrets having had to shoot roughly 879 innocent people in the thigh, but he had NO CHOICE, DAMMIT.
UPDATE: Looks like the Thing of Death is... a bioweapon.
UPDATE: "Trust isn't my greatest asset." Right! A human would definitely say that!
UPDATE: Now Jack is in REAL trouble.
UPDATE: Yes! Front-End-Loader-Fu!
UPDATE: I'm sorry, but if a guy just killed me, I am NOT telling him what he wants to know.
UPDATE: Next week: "COVER ME NOW!!" Take it, The Amazing Steve.