24

Here is where we stand:

Last week was without question one of the finest 24 episodes in the history of the world, and the reason can be stated in just eight words: The White House was taken over by frogmen.

This was possible because of the following little-known facts:

1. The White House is much closer to the Potomac River than it appears to the naked eye. If the president had a decent casting rod, he or she could fish in the Potomac out the Oval Office window.

2. The White House is connected to the Potomac by an abandoned but well-maintained underwater express tunnel that nobody ever noticed before.

3. During a full-scale terrorist alert, it is possible for a boat full of enemy solders to motor up the Potomac to the White House without being noticed, as long as they are wearing camouflage.

4. Trained frogmen wearing soldier outfits under their wetsuits can swim underwater at a speed of approximately 50 miles per hour while carrying a large concrete-penetrating drill, explosives, combat boots, a laptop computer and automatic weapons with enough ammunition to fight a war.

Also as luck would have it, when the frogmen swam underneath and drilled into the basement, there was hardly anybody guarding the White House, because everybody was busy trying to figure out what would be the target of the impending terrorist attack on Washington. Everybody was like, "Where the HECK are those darned terrorists going to attack? It's got to be something important, something connected with the federal government, something right here in Washington... but what could it be?  Maybe we should send troops to guard the Air and Space Museum!"

And thus last week the evil General Juma and his men, in a totally believable maneuver, were able to take over the White House with little more effort than it would take to rob a 7-11. Jack Bauer was in the White House, and while ordinarily he could kill several dozen armed soldiers using only a short section of shoelace, in this case we was stuck with the job of saving President Woman President. The two of them went into a special Lockdown Room, where they had no contact with the outside world because Juma's underwater laptop computer has a program that blocks all White House communications (to access this program in Windows Vista, click START>ALL PROGRAMS>ACCESSORIES>TERRORISM>BLOCK ALL WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS).

Juma couldn't break into the Lockdown Room, so he called up Evil Puppetmaster John Voigt, who (needless to say) had access to the White House computer system. He told Juma that President Woman President's annoying subplot daughter Olivia was in the White House, so Juma found her and threatened to gouge her eyeballs out, so President Woman President ordered Jack to open the Lockdown Room door, so Jack gouged her eyeballs out.

No, he didn't. (Although he would if he had to.) He opened the door, and Juma slapped President Woman President in the face so hard that fake blood came out of her mouth. So now everybody is a hostage, including Bill and Senator That Seventies Show, who we all hope Jack has the legitimate need to administer a fatal chokehold to soon. Meanwhile Renee the highly competent FBI agent is outside the White House feeling helpless, because when she asked Vice President Weasel to order an attack he refused, most likely because like 83 percent of all federal employees on 24 he is a mole.

Edgar is still dead.

So that is the situation. We regret to inform you that The Amazing Steve™ has informed us that he has a prior commitment and will not be able to tell us afterward what the hell happened. You will just have to work it out on your own. Meanwhile, to pass the time, here's a poll:

What do you think will happen to the hostages?
	Jack will free them. In the process, they'll probably all be killed, but, hey, Jack had NO CHOICE.
	They will slip away one by one as their captors, lulled by the dialog, fall asleep.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

SPOILER UPDATE: In tonight's episode, there will be an explosion at the White House, and somebody will say, "There's been an explosion at the White House!"

UPDATE: Don't forget to vote for Space Node Buddy.

UPDATE: I note in the recap of last week's episode that Juma threatens to cut out Olivia;s eyes "one by one." Not to be picky, but: how else would he do it?

UPDATE: Oh, now Olivia is sorry.

UPDATE: "Just keep your eyes open." Did she really say that?

UPDATE: Wait... where is the natural gas coming from? I am SO confused, and it just started.

UPDATE: I hate to dwell on this, but seriously: If they swam to the White House, where did they get the combat boots?

UPDATE: Never in the history of 24 has any high-ranking federal official done the obviously logical thing.

UPDATE: Jack is feeling angst.

UPDATE: "How many people did we lose?" "Mostly extras, madam president."

UPDATE: I have a bad feeling about how early the shooting ended tonight.

UPDATE: Bill might not really be dead. I mean, sure, his heart stopped beating 15 minutes ago. But this is 24.

UPDATE: They're going to handcuff Jack AGAIN???

UPDATE: What a shock! They're letting Jack go AGAIN.

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. We need to get to the taser.

UPDATE: Right! Less than a half hour ago, there was a firefight in the White House, and naturally now the president is talking about adding her daughter to the staff.

UPDATE: Renee looks good in a Band-Aid.

UPDATE: Is it hot in here, or is it that agent Larry keeps talking about Renee going behind his back?

UPDATE: President Woman President just declared that 24 is, quote, "a work of fiction."

UPDATE: The old "kill-the-extra" diversion.

UPDATE: Quinn is using the OQO UMPC. Preferred by assassins everywhere.

UPDATE: "Martha and I were... close." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: There has been a LOT of talking since the shooting.

UPDATE: Jack is going to rip out the little twerp's eyeballs using only his mind.

UPDATE: Quinn is taking advantage of the convenient man-sized well-lit ductwork to frame Jack using... paralysis gas.

UPDATE: WUH-oh. Looks like Jack is going to be wrongly accused by his own government AGAIN.

UPDATE: DAMMIT!!

UPDATE: Next week: Renee showing cleavage; Jack ordering Senator That Seventies Show to TAKE A SEAT.  No Amazing Steve tonight. Find somebody you love and hug that person hard enough to draw blood. Or, have a beer. Good night.

Comments

[Dr Alice]

I just hope Aaron's okay... forget about everybody else. Well, except Bill.

I'm going to be late watching as I have an extremely boring meeting to attend tonight. :-P

[Kevin in Jax]

FIRST!

[Kevin in Jax]

OK SECOND!!!

[Wizzy]

Tony will come to save the day!

[Annie Where-but-here]

Bill will die saving the President. No man in a turtleneck ever makes it out alive. Sorry, but that's the way Hollywood works.

[Wyo Cowboy]

I wanted to vote for Buddy, but had to settle for Montpelier.

*sigh*

[redwave72]

I would happily fill in for The Amazing Steve, but between "24 time" and Eastern Daylight Time, I would be too confused, and could never get it right.

[Wes S.]

First to suggest that Jack should have gouged the eyeballs out of both of them at the end of last weeks' episode...

(*opens fresh bottle of Jack Daniels in preparation for tonight's lunacy; wonders if just one bottle will be enough*)

[Wes S.]

"It takes 17 muscles to smile. It takes a taser to the neck to look like Robert DeNiro."

(found here.)

[danceswithvowels]

I bet Jack & President Lady could've held out in Montpelier the Cone Of Silence Room if they'd had a CoCo instead of that old Trash-80.

[Renee (the First)]

Annie, that's a new one on me. I only knew about the Red Shirt rule. (Or is it a red turtleneck?)

[danceswithvowels]

If it's red, then they're dead.
If it's black, turtles whack'd.

[drdigital]

Did the terrorist talk to Wesley Snipes and use the same tunnels he did in "Murder @ 1600?" Or if not, can the FBI use that entrance near the Washington Monument to sneak up on them?

[Jeep]

since we've moved to daylight savings time, are we going to see last week's episode again, or skip ahead an hour and miss the hostage crisis?

[danceswithcomfortinglies]

Does it bother you that we have no Social Contract?

It is kind of fun watching you torture yourself.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BOWAH POWAH OWAH!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("JackSack™ scoffs and laughs at your Snuggie. Like that will protect you from anything!") and ChloeSack™ ("ChloeSack™ refuses to go to a Snuggie party that JaneaneSack™ is invited to, especially after what she did to her last week!")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!

This "24" intro was brought to you by Snuggie! Come on, get one now! They're pefectly safe!

[Wes S.]

"Viewer depression is advised."

Oh, wait, that wasn't what they actually said, was it?

[Gennita Low]

Argh, no Amazing Steve tonight? Darn, am I going to be confused!

Hi, everyone!

[jt]

Even odds that Bill buys the farm tonight...

[MartiniShark]

The biggest surprise of last week's attack on the White House? How well lit the subterranian underwater tunnels were while Juma's headquarters are lit with a 5 watt bulb.

[Margaritaville]

Now what we do know is that this plot is entirely unfeasable....

[danceswithvowels]

Join the club, GLow!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I'll point out that next week's episode of "24" takes place between 9:00pm and 10:00pm, which means the entire cast, Jack, the President, etc. will all stop what they're doing and will live blog to "24". Talk about surreal!

[Margaritaville]

What is the status of the President? Maybe he should check her Twitter updates.

[Gennita Low]

Now they have their girlie talk. There are soldiers around, Madame Prez!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Keep it up, Madame President. You're lulling them to sleep already!

[Tori Lennox]

Oh, man, I just had an Audrey flashback!

[danceswithvowels]

If you forgave her a long time ago, while are you torturing us now?

[Wizzy]

I hate the president's daughter.
"I said leave her alone!" Like terrorists will listen to her?

[MartiniShark]

Does everyone have a fancy embossed placard for their spot on the floor?

[Wes S.]

Finally, Olivia figures out there are more important things in the world than her feelings.

Madame President is probably thinking she should have threatened to gouge out one of her daughter's eyeballs herself...

[Wizzy]

Can we drink when Jack says "We don't have a choice!"

[Siouxie]

Shaddup, Red!! sheesh...

ok..here for a bit

[tropichunt.com guy™]

It's not terrorist rescue by committee, Senator!

[Wes S.]

Would you mind keeping your planning down, guys?

[Margaritaville]

Shut up Senator! Judging by the economy you don't have any business knowing any plans!

[danceswithvowels]

Madame President, I need you to cover this drycleaning bill.

[Diva]

First I'd like to just say Jack Bauer understands the responsibility of the Presidency WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than President Idiot Woman President.

[Gennita Low]

is he wearing a red shirt?

[Siouxie]

Someone's gonna get shot

[Wizzy]

Hey, he's not wearing a red shirt????

[MartiniShark]

"WONK DOWN!!! WONK DOWN!!!"

[Margaritaville]

This story line is a little bit unpatriotic isn't it?

[sevenof9fl]

Bill better NOT die. I'm tellin ya, he'd BETTER NOT die.

[E in MN]

The President doesn't look good in that shade of blood.

[Diva]

Martini - do me a favor and click my name to drop me an email, wouldja? I have a question for you. :)

[danceswithvowels]

We seem to have a problem with the Sangala-English dictionary. "Release" is a little off, I think. Get Daniel Webster-Lasagna on the phone.

[Tori Lennox]

Wouldn't her speech be a little more believable if she didn't have blood running down her face?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

www.seeitherefirst.tv?

Hello? Why not "PresidentGoneWild.com"?

[Margaritaville]

Well if Jumas objective was to humiliate the president, he has accomplished his goal.

[Diva]

seven, I'm SO with you!!!

[Gennita Low]

Yes, let's have a public execution! That would be fun!

[gjmokcb]

Cool flag.

[Wizzy]

Who is dumber? the VP? The Senator? The Pres?

[Wes S.]

"Juma came to the United States to humiliate the President and stage a public execution."

Well, NO $#!T, Sherlock!

[MartiniShark]

YouTube has a complex firewall to protect all the sleepwalking dog videos.

[Diva]

*snork* @ Andy

[Jeep]

dumbest VP since dan quayle

[sevenof9fl]

Weenie VP! Is HE on Jouma's side, too?

[Siouxie]

whisper whisper whisper

[Wes S.]

This Vice President really makes me miss Dick Cheney.

[sicarie]

BILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

[Siouxie]

Oh noooooooooooooooo

[nursecindy]

Are these terrorists deaf? Jack and the other hostages are whispering so loud and they don't seem to hear them.

[gjmokcb]

Vice Presidential Etiquette. Don't kill the Pres. Unless you really have to.

[Margaritaville]

They are really going to have to redecorate.

[Gennita Low]

ARGHHHH!

[Diva]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT BILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tori Lennox]

Bill! No!!!

[danceswithvowels]

Serious intestinal gas, Bill!

[jt]

RIP Bill...

[Bassey]

Good to see that VP Logan II is so DECISIVE. Erm...

[sicarie]

Agent Moss finally got some sense.

[MartiniShark]

Uh Diva, your name isn't linked.....

[Gennita Low]

NOoooo! NO KILL BILLLLL!

[Wizzy]

Oh, Bill.

[Diva]

SHOOTING!!!! LOTS OF SHOOTING AND VIOLENCE!!!! THIS is what I watch 24 for!!!

*drinks heavily*

[gjmokcb]

Their legs are throbbing.

[Wes S.]

The SWAT team appears to be much better shots than was the President's Secret Service detail...

[sicarie]

Please tell me Senator Red is going to be a casualty.

[Siouxie]

YES!!! KILL!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Go, Aaron, go! If that doesn't earn you $25k in retirement per year, I don't know what will!

[Margaritaville]

I wonder how much Jack makes as a rogue agent?

[b shaw]

I found the little known facts very plausible... it was when I didn't see ANY dog-sized rats underneath Wash DC that I realized it really wasn't DC after all.

[Gennita Low]

I'm sobbing

[Wes S.]

Crap. Bill's down...and Senator That Seventies' Show is unscathed.

[Siouxie]

Aw man....NOT BILL! NOT HOT HOT BILL!

[Diva]

Oh, whoops. deskdivax at gmail dot com. That work? I forgot the new link rules.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Hey, keep yelling about where the President is, in case there's someone else around who may want to shoot her!

[Elon Weintraub]

UPDATE: I note in the recap of last week's episode that Juma threatens to cut out Olivia;s eyes "one by one." Not to be picky, but: how else would he do it?

Dave, it's a wonder what modern technology can do. Gauging out two or even three eyes at a time is now within the realm of possibility.

[Gennita Low]

Someone please plunge that needle into his heart like they did Tony.

[Bassey]

SHOOTING!

[danceswithvowels]

We have the President. Expensive save.

[Diva]

*sobs heavily on sevenof9's shoulder*

[Tori Lennox]

Good to see Aaron's made a miraculous recovery.

[jt]

This can only mean one thing...Bill will be back in two seasons as a villan who turns out to be really still one of the good guys!

[Wes S.]

Bill's life for that of the worthless President and First Daughter.

Not a good trade, IMHO...

[Wizzy]

WHY BILL. I am actually crying. Bill was so awesome.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Silent countdown. :(

Byebye, Bill.

Here's hoping a Cylon resurrection ship is nearby!

[Margaritaville]

It is not alright darling! The national security of the United STates has been seriously compromised!