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February 20, 2009

TECHNOLOGY THRUSTS AHEAD

Breast Enlargement Ringtone

(Thanks to Bob McCarty)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using ducks.

Key Quote That Will Probably Be Used in the Movie Version: "And then I realized that I'm 6 foot 2, 180 pounds -- this duck isn't going to do this," said one neighbor.

(Thanks to Danny)

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, SAUDI ARABIA

Hamsters in jackets harnessed for energy

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE

First Mickey Rourke's dog, and now this.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

WE'RE PROBABLY THE LAST BLOG TO POST THIS

...but it's cool.

Tragically, however, the Lawn Rangers are not visible.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

Update zoom from Baron von Klyff: Apparently there were aliens there.

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FASHION NOTE FROM KANSAS CITY

Woman OK after bullet ends up in her hair weave

(Thanks to RussellMc, Horace LaBadie, nursecindy, Siouxie and collins69s)

MOO, DUDE

(Thanks to Ralph)

February 19, 2009

HOWEVER WEIRD YOU THINK THE INTERNET IS, IT IS WEIRDER

Hello Dave,
I'm Wilfrid and I recently started a blog about self storage facilities. The url is http://aventuraselfstorage.com I'm looking for reciprocal link partners and I'd like to know if you'd be interested. If yes, please link to me using Aventura Self Storage as anchor text and send me your desired anchor text so I can link back to you.
Sincerely,
Wilfrid

Update: I submitted a comment, but as you can see below they have higher standards than this blog.

This is — seriously — one of the best blogs about self-storage in the Aventura area that I have ever seen. Bravo!

Your comment is awaiting moderation.

THE NOSE-LOSING EPIDEMIC

It has spread to Texas.

(Thanks to Joshua Orpin)

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Woman's nose retrieved from pet poodle

(Thanks to DavCat)

Reminds us of a poem.

BULLETIN, BULLETIN

A Catholic survey found that the most common sin for women was pride, while for men, the urge for food was only surpassed by the urge for sex.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

FALMOUTH SOCIAL NOTE

FALMOUTH, Mass. – A man faces assault charges after allegedly striking another man with a golf club in an argument over manners.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

AMERICAN YOUTH

Making us proud.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

OOPS

(Thanks to John Gregg)

HE SHOULD HAVE PUT IT IN A CLEAR, ONE-QUART, RE-SEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

A PILOT furious at being searched before flying dropped his pants and exposed himself to security staff, then raged: “Do you want to search this?”

(Thanks to Ralph)

Key Byline: James Clench

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE VISITING BORNEO

Stay out of the Baleh River.

Article114974303949eaf000005dc277_4

(Thanks to Siouxie)

AVAILABLE GUY OF THE DAY SO FAR

A THIEF has been caught with more than 1,600 items of women’s lingerie hidden in the home he shared with his parents.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

TODAY'S TIP FOR CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS:

Wear a belt.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and Siouxie)

WHAT THE *&#% IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING?

(Thanks to catmanmax)

BOFFIN UPDATE

A boffin is looking for the world's funniest whoopee cushion.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig, DavCat, catmanmax and Not My Usual Alias)

SNAKE EPIDEMIC UPDATE

Now: A sofa in Brooklyn.

February 18, 2009

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, YOU'LL REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE YOU WERE WHEN YOU HEARD THE AWFUL NEWS

We won't sugarcoat it: Mickey Rourke's Chihuahua is dead.

The Guest Book is here.

(Thanks to Shelley Acoca)

CRIMEFIGHTER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Wedgie Woman

(Thanks to DavCat, PPM, Horace LaBadie, Russ Shurtz and Cheryl Howard)

LET'S DO LUNCH!

(Thanks to Danny)

ATTENTION, VAMPIRES PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A UNIQUE DOMICILE

Look no farther.

(Thanks to jon harris)

EVEN IF THIS BLOG DID NOT HAVE A STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

...there is no way we would ever lower ourselves so far as to link to this.

(Thanks to Danny)

MR. SUAVE

A German television host is clinging on to his job after groping his co-presenter's breasts live on air - and receiving a slap in the face for his touchy-feeliness.

Hans Blomberg shocked colleague Susanka Bersin by fondling her as they announced the results of a Eurovision-style song contest.

As the results were delivered, 31-year-old Blomberg joked, "But the two most beautiful points remain with me" and grabbed at 28-year-old Bersin's chest.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ENGLAND:

Land of Romance

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy&trade and Danny)

SPORTS UPDATE APOLOGY

Apparently that link was to a naughty site. I deleted it. judi will of course be fired.

'HE WHO SMELT IT, DEALT IT' COULD BE WORTH MILLIONS

A Florida-based company has accused a Colorado competitor in federal court of trademark infringement and unfair business practices over the phrase "Pull My Finger."

(Thanks to Carl Youngdahl)

WE'VE SAID THE SAME THING COUNTLESS TIMES

As surely as monkeys at typewriters will end up tapping out the works of Shakespeare, a Peruvian film about a woman with a potato in her vagina will – at some point – win the Golden Bear.

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

GRAB BUNS AND MUGS

...and head for Utah.

(Thanks to Bruce)

WHEN THEY FIND IT, IT WILL HAVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Search for 'alien life' could start on Earth

(Thanks to Dan, who says "I think that California is a good place to start.")

WITHOUT GUYS, HUMANITY WOULD NEVER MAKE ANY PROGRESS

(Thanks to diverdowndoc)

SCANS ALSO CONFIRM THAT BEARS POOP IN THE WOODS

Bikinis Make Men See Women as Objects, Scans Confirm

(Thanks to Ross Marks and Padraig)

WARDENS ON CRACK WILDLIFE UPDATE

Warden grabs lion's privates to show they are friends

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

Here's another version (thanks to catmanmax).Lion2caters_450x300

IT'S THINKING ABOUT RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS

Giant rat caught in China

Rat_1298860f

(Thanks to Danny and Not My Usual Alias)

THIS MEANS WAR

(Thanks to RussellMc)

February 17, 2009

TOO BAD, LADIES

The owner of the world's longest ear hair is married.

Hairyears280_735093a

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IS OUR ASSOCIATE DEANS LEARNING?

(Thanks to Vanderhogenband)

ALWAYS REMEMBER, DADS:

Your most important job is to embarrass your children.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CSI: GREAT YARMOUTH

A businesswoman has been fined £20,000 and ordered to pay £20,000 costs after health inspectors found a rabbit living in the kitchen of her hotel.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SEEMS PREMATURE TO US

Adult download tax proposal awaits climax in Albany

(Thanks to Siouxie)

FASCISM UPDATE EVEN WORSE THAN LOW FLOW

Householders would be charged for each flush under a radical new toilet tax designed to help beat the drought.

(Thanks to Bruce W.)

IT'S A GREAT IDEA, EXCEPT THE ACTUAL VICTIMS CAN'T AFFORD IT

The "Smash-Me Bernie" (Madoff) Doll

(Thanks to Karen Bridgers)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

(Thanks to Robert Graff)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Nickerson pleaded guilty Thursday in provincial court to unlawfully entering the home of a senior citizen and stealing a pair of disposable Depend underwear.

It was a Saturday and the Cape Sable Island man was returning from a party somewhere, said defence lawyer Del Wickens.

Wickens told court his client got lost in the woods - and lost his trousers while relieving himself.

(Thanks to DavCat and a lot of other people)

BOTH CAPTAINS WILL RECEIVE FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

British, French nuclear subs collide in Atlantic

(Thanks to Mot the Hoople and James Carter)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

The Sex Pest Brush Turkeys

(Thanks to Ralph)

February 16, 2009

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week, in a cliffhanger of an episode that had us all biting our nails while being riveted to tenterhooks on the edge of our seat, very little happened. The main plot element was that Jack and Renee the highly competent FBI agent used unorthodox methods to locate and rescue Henry the incredibly annoying first man, who was being held by agents of the Evil African Subplot Dubaku, who had threatened to cut off Henry's finger using a Sears Craftsman finger-cutter. During the rescue, Henry got shot, but unfortunately it appears he will survive.

Also Rosa, the suspicious sister of Dubaku's clueless girlfriend Marika, called up Dubaku and told him to break up with Marika, so we can assume she is soon going to be luncheon meat. Which reminds me: Edgar is still dead.

Also Jack informed President Woman President that there is - prepare for a stunner - a mole inside the government. Wouldn't it be great if there turned out to be an actual mole living on worms underneath the FBI building, and Jack yanked it out of the ground by its tail (assuming moles have tails) and everybody had a good laugh, and then Jack killed it with his teeth? But that would be too realistic for 24.

Speaking of unrealistic: Today my family and I are attempting to get to Miami from San Diego by airplane, which nobody has ever done before. If we make it, when we get home this evening we have to go pick up Lucy the Dog so that she can jump up on us and make the weewee of joy on our feet. So by the time we actually get home, tonight's episode probably will already be in progress. I'll try to join you as soon as I can, but I know you commenters can handle the plot analysis just fine without my help. Be sure to stay tuned at the end for the plot summary by The Amazing Steve

UPDATE: I may have asked this before, but: Why does Jack say "negative" instead of just "no?"

UPDATE: I think that, while Bill is taking over the government, he and Chloe should also handle the stimulus package.

UPDATE: There is some kind of anti-acting ray beamed at the White House.

UPDATE: Come away with me, Marika, and you can be Mrs. Dictator for Life.

UPDATE: By the way, we made it back from San Diego.

UPDATE: Larry is SUCH a pill, with his so-called "laws."

UPDATE: Renee looks good in blood.

UPDATE: How did Chloe's and Morris's kid get to be, like, three?

UPDATE: For that matter, how did Chloe and Morris have a kid? I am guessing schematics were involved.

UPDATE: Chloe, dissing Larry's network.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: OK, at the halfway point, we have: bupkis.

UPDATE: Unless it is spelled bupkus.

UPDATE: NOT A FIRST DAUGHTER SUBPLOT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

UPDATE: I'll be right back. I have to go throw Lucy's squeaky ball.

UPDATE: Remember back when the terrorists were threatening to destroy Kidron, Ohio? That episode is starting to look like Citizen Kane.

UPDATE: "I have a favor to ask." NEVER DO A FAVOR FOR JACK.

UPDATE: Janeane Garofolo is jealous -- as any woman wouild be -- because Chloe got to set up the sat reconfirm mobile line.

UPDATE: Time for that critical third beer.

UPDATE: AARON!

UPDATE: I already hate the first daughter.

UPDATE: This episode has gone wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too long without shooting.

UPDATE: Also, why does Jack say "copy that" instead of just "OK?"

UPDATE: "She's naked out there Jack, and I don't like it." "This isn't about you." Lordy, that is some DIALOG.

UPDATE: Time for those critical fourth and fifth beers.

UPDATE: So HE'S the mole. I forget his name.

UPDATE: Let's just accept the fact that this episode bit the big one. Which is why we rely on the Amazing Steve. And of course beer.

 
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