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November 19, 2008

WITH SOME STORIES, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START

This is one of those stories.

(Thanks to bilge)

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If your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off, you might be a redneck.
- Foxworthy

Maybe the sheriff should have run on the slogan More of a Dick!

Given that their home is a pile of rubble makes it trailer trash, no? (I feel guilty)

Barton, a grandma at 35 with gold streaks in red hair...

Splains a lot.

Hey, I'd trust a guy named "Pancake" with all my worldly belongings...


Let's see..$5000 trailer, a dozen or so inbreds living in said trailer, being towed by a farm tractor, "somebody" threatening to shoot if they don't git outta the trailer.... you just can't hide money.

Barton's boyfriend, Alan Gaunce, no relation to Jim, said somebody — he's not sure who — told him he'd be shot if he didn't get out of the trailer before it was toppled.

That's just a special kind of stupid.

Ya'll think moonshine was involved??

Why did Mr. Haney from Green Acres pop into my head when I read about "Pancake"?

Gotta love life in the big city. And if they're going to go around Kentucky arresting people for "being ignorant" they're gonna need a bigger jail.

Brannif, Mr. Haney would have sold them the trailer in the first place. Pancake is an amateur.

so does "look-loo" = what we call "rubber-neckers" here in NY?

Braniff, Mr. Haney would have sold them the trailer in the first place. Pancake is an amateur.

the comments on the slideshow are just great. looky-loos and "a mishmash of real kin and unofficially adopted kids"... this is some great writing too.

oh, and the windows "so spotless birds frequently thud into the glass" :) yikes.

...Garrett, who stood in the rain from roughly 4:30 p.m. Friday until 2 a.m. directing traffic with the rest of his force, a single deputy.
Hey, Siouxie - he's single AND employed. Go git 'im.

That woman ain't right.

I like that contrast, too, judi. He's just settin' rockin' on his spiffy little porch, watchin' a 35-yr-old granny's life literally fall apart in his yard.

Braniff - look-loos and rubberneckers - yes

"Gotta love life in the big city. And if they're going to go around Kentucky arresting people for "being ignorant" they're gonna need a bigger jail."

I gotta tell you, ignorance is there in the cities too, only more concentrated.

A single wide. 12 people. 1 bathroom. If even half those people are of the male variety, that's still a long wait to pee.

I kinda suspect the sheriff will be beaten next time by someone whose slogan is "Less Dick."

"I know I wouldn't pay somebody $200 to move my house and everything in it," said Garrett


Reminds me of the old Rodney Dangerfield joke. "A hooker came up to me in a bar and said she'd do anything I wanted for $100. I gave her $100 and told her to go paint my house."

Tele, I suspect them country folk just hang it off the porch and let it spray... This is very comically written: She keeps throwing out zingers with a straight face, making it all the funnier. You could have a sitcom based just on this family!

Well, the kinfolk said "Frances, move away from there...."

eilbeback, are you sure it wouldn't be a Greek tragedy?

I think someone should destroy the sheriff's house and see how he likes it. I'd be calling an attorney about a big civil law suit against the county, the sheriff and the guy hauling the trailer for wilful destruction of property. This sounds like something happening in a third world police state, not in the U.S.

eilbe - where I came from the first thing a man does when he buys a piece of land is the same thing a dog does - mark his territory.

This trailer was 25 years old and they tried to move it?
Ron White was right - you can't fix stupid.

Yep, eilbe, that's what I was figgerin. I personally loved this one:
"Barton, a grandma at 35 with gold streaks in red hair"
Now that's some thorough journalism. Not sure why we needed to know that, but there you have it.

Annie - QUICK - snap up eilbe's suggestion and go take a meeting at Warner's or something.
eilbe's right - it almost writes itself !

Tele - it's subtle - the writer is stating facts that lead the reader to a most obvious conclusion - that their family tree has no branches, their table centerpiece is from a taxidermist, and they watch Jerry Springer for the latest fashion styles.

"I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison...."

Yeah, eil....

"Well, the kinfolk said 'Frances, move away from there....'"

I'd pitch it in a heartbeat, Tele. This story's fine as frog's hair split twice down the middle.

*Rams bot with tr*ctor*

arctic al - if the sheriff ever moves his house onto a major roadway and leaves it there for 8 hours, i agree with you!

Things I question from that story and found disturbing:

She's a 35-year-old grandmother?

How do 12 people fit into a single-wide trailer?

How can there be TWO people named Gaunce in that town and be unrelated?

She hired a mover named Pancake?

There are windows so spotless that birds thud into them?

The mind boggles...

I thought the sheriff was supposed to get the litter off the roadway. If you can't get your crap out of the major thoroughfare in 8 hours, you don't need to be runnin loose.

Get serious, Al; weren't you a cop? This brood hauled a single-wide onto a flatbed piece of sh!t trailer, then rolled it out onto a U.S. Highway, in the hills. The POS trailer collapsed. There was no decent hitch, you no durned-well there were no trailer brakes, for the hills, and the wheels fell off. They had no permit to haul the mess, no escort, no back-up plan, and blocked the highway for 9 hours. They didn't even bother to get their belongings out, after 9 hours.

You want them to sue? In the country? They'd be lynched and rightly so. The attorney couldn't even count on getting a chicken or a young pig, on contingency. Now, if this was the city, with a city jury, of course they would sue. Folks in the country (those that don't live 12-to-the-single wide) work, and don't much like shiftless people suing their own county government.

See, Annie ? That's why YOU'RE the writer, and I am clearly NOT ! Although I'd argue the point about the family tree - I'm thinking that it's not enough to already be a grandmother at 35 (!!), but to have a "mish-mash" of other folks living with you is extending that tree quite a bit.
*idly wonders if it's a nut tree*

What CJ said, except if they have any lawsuit, the defendant is Pancake who contracted to move the trailer (on a trailer) and blew it. Since he agreed to do it for $200, good luck on a recovery.

It was unclear whether the tow vehicle was a farm tractor or a semi-tractor.

*SNOOOOOOOOOOOORKKKKKK* @CJ -

Geek tragedy.

"woof"

This also reminds me of a character in a Fanny Flagg book who, when her son asked what she wanted him to get her for her birthday, replied, "A vasectomy!"

My mom was the 9th of ten kids. She was in the 2nd grade 3 weeks before they realized she was in the wrong class. She was supposed to be in kindergarten.

They are probably related to everyone in that trailer - they're just not sure. Like if you get a divorce, is she still your sister?

the sad thing is, that grandma has all the other people living with her because she's the responsible one.

annie - good luck with the script! i imagine it as sort of 'william faulkner meets the beverly hillbillies' ('course he did write the episode where granny is found floating face down in the ce-ment pond, but it never aired...)

Wait a minute! The guy who is moving your house is named 'Pancake' Myers. Now your house is falt on the side of the road.

Annie, I'm not sure it has the legs for a series, but it's more than enough for a "Reno 911" episode.

“I adore ‘Dueling Banjos!’ It’s like a love song, only for two banjos. Of course, banjos can’t make love. Which is what makes the song so sad.”
-Angel Dobbins

from "Chicken Soup for the Redneck's Soul"

WriterDude - maybe a new series called 'County Road 911.' Get Dolly Parton and Cletus from the Simpsons to guest star. Get the wife from Malcolm in the Middle to star as ' Grandma Lurlene.'

Ya'll don't know your tooth-challenged music history. That scene from "Deliverance" wasn't two banjos-city boys said it was, but city boys would hire their cousin Vinnie for a murder trial in Alabama; that was a gittar an' a ban-jo.

*snork* @ CJ. You're SMOKIN today !
*waves @ cg*

I was thinking we didn't know what two adult, consenting banjos do when in private.

I dunno. Yes, the woman is dumb. But still, to frickin' bulldoze the trailer to get it off the road? Haven't they heard of stuff like winches and tow trucks in Kentucky? Why couldn't they just hoist it onto a flatbed trailer?

I'd vote that the dumb-ass deputy should foot the bill for a new single-wide residence.

Uh, sorry, Zeus has gone back to Mt. Olympus.

12 people in a single wide? No wonder wardrobe choices include the space-saving tube top.

I'll let someone else write the verse, but here's the chorus...

12 people in a singlewide...an I bet some of 'em are doublewide. That trailer was a'gunna kee-laps anyways.


Favorite Simpson line EVER: "Wylene, you keep eating baby they's a'gonna take your foot."

CJ - I know 'Duelin' Banjos' is guitar & banjo. Try learnin' Angel that. And if you're gonna use the term y'all, learn to spell it properly.

No insurance company in the world is going to question this claim, 'cause you just can't make something like this up! I mean, if she say's it was destroyed in a tornado ("I think trailer parks must attract the dang things!"), she'll never see a dime!

Whut's 'insurance?'

.
People like these are BORN for each other. Sad. Thank Gawd they met each other, instead of one of us!

Honolulu weather report: Warm & Partly Sunny, trades 15mph, chance of showers Windward & mauka, 78*/ 68* tonight, waves 10'-20' on the North Shore. Same damned thing tomorrow. And NO hurricanes!!!

Just volcanoes, lava, vog, earthquakes, tsunami's, and, OK, hurricanes once in a while. But no house-trailers allowed.


If you DON'T live in a trailer, or a cave, this might interest you. Or not.
.

The oppersit of outsurance, ain't it?

So's does ya need outsurance for the outside and insurance for the inside?

Izzit like 'luminum siding?

No, you dang fools! Insurance is when you pay us lots o' money fer years and years, then when yer trailer ends up in bits and pieces in sumbuddy's front yard, we pay you half what it's worth, and we sell the bits and pieces on e-bay for 20 times what they're worth.

We may look dumb, but we ain't stupid enough to buy that insurance stuff.

Well, part of me feels sorry for her. And part of me is glad I wasn't driving a backhoe behind that trailer that day. It's the Oklahoma in me, y'all.

Ah ha ha ha! CJ, you are on fire tonight. There are so many possibilities in this story....

Judi (way up there)...Yep...I made it through everything else til I got to the thudding birds, and then lost it. Seltzer on the laptop, alas.

Something about this reminds my of my late dad's "favorite" poet, J. Gordon Coogler, one of whose works was called, "The Lover's Return on his Bicycle."

I'd like to point out that the age range of the children tops out at 12 years old. Sooo, do we think the one that made her a grandma moved out or is grouped in there somewhere?

If you want to see a video:
She doesn't have much of an accent!

Oh, and this has audio commentary by those involved:
"Dick" DOES have a strong accent

I don't believe in insurance, it's a form of gambling.

Wonder inBreads.

Grammaw sez, now it's time to get in bed and turn your face to the wall.

Hope it's not too late, but I just found out it could have been worse.

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