IF THIS HAD BEEN A CRIME WHEN THIS BLOG WAS A STUDENT, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN ZERO BOYS LEFT IN SCHOOL
Fla. student arrested after passing gas at school
(Thanks to SW and Kay Myers)
« October 2008 | Main | December 2008 »
November 24, 2008
AND YET THE GUY WHO WROTE 'HONEY' NEVER DID TIME
Rapper gets 20 years after writing shooting song
(Thanks to Allen at Division)
OUCH
(Thanks to Andrea Davis, Biker Dood and Siouxie)
BUT THEY ALSO FAIL TO PAY ATTENTION ON CRITICAL THIRD-DOWN PLAYS
(Thanks to Matt Filar)
FASCISM
It has crept into Oberlin, Ohio.
(Thanks to John Erikson)
WHEN THE DOGS RISE UP AND KILL US ALL
They will start here.
(Thanks to Justin Barber and Gavin Taylor)
AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING
Noise violatiors (yes, "violatiors") in Fort Lupton sentenced to listen to Barry Manilow
(Thanks to Justin Barber, Layzeeboy, pogo, jazzzz, Lloyd Kerley, SW, Mark Neuburger, Mark Schlesigner, Jesse Yates and Wyo Cowboy)
WE HAD A TOILET LIKE THAT
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)
WE DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS
The Kremlin has ordered 3,200 female white mice.
(Thanks to DavCat)
Update: judi notes that this is old and has already been blogged. She has fired herself.
IT WAS PROBABLY LEFT BY A VERY STRONG BUT FORGETFUL HIKER
Mystery piano in woods perplexes police
(Thanks to Laura Vona, Lynn, Gabriel Taylor Forbes, Mollenkamp and Jeff Meyerson)
November 23, 2008
24: RESUMPTION REDEMPTION
UPDATE ADDED MONDAY: Scroll down through the comments to the 11:19 p.m. mark for the Return of the Amazing Steve's Amazing Plot Summary. Welcome back, Amazing Steve.
When we last saw Jack Bauer, he was seriously depressed because he had just spent 24 grueling hours trying to comprehend the plot of Season 6, which involved a lot of exploding and shooting and by various parties trying to get hold of the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which everybody in the world wanted and we are darned if we could ever figure out why. We vaguely recall that Audrey was in a coma, but we won't believe she's truly gone until we see the stake through her heart.
As we begin tonight's episode, Jack, sick of violence and seeking peace, has naturally decided to go to an African nation going through a military coup. No chance of trouble there! Meanwhile back in the U.S.A., it's Inauguration Day and President Powers Boothe is about to be replaced by President Woman President, played by (really) Cherry Jones. Appearing in the role of evil villain is Jon Voight. Edgar is still dead.
UPDATE: So far, nothing has happened.
UPDATE: UH-oh! Language AND Violence!
UPDATE: Thank God the people in this nation speak English.
UPDATE: Well, THAT was an upbeat start!
UPDATE: John Voight is evil, and he is sporting a badass phone.
UPDATE: Jack appears to be on Qualuuds. Or however you spell them.
UPDATE: Quaaludes.
UPDATE: OK, we get it. Jack is done with violence. Great. Now let's get to the shooting.
UPDATE: A subpoena? Jack Bauer wipes his butt with their subpoena.
UPDATE: Lingerie!
UPDATE: We're hoping the plot will continue to feature President Woman President's son's girlfriend.
UPDATE: "Advanced weapons systems." Hmmmm.
UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
UPDATE: Jack needs to SET UP A PERIMETER AROUND THE SCHOOL.
UPDATE: Jack has NO TIME for the UN weenie with his talk of "talking."
UPDATE: Fifty soldiers against Jack? Hah.
UPDATE: Shooting and stabbing.
UPDATE: Does Jack just carry sticks of dynamite around in his pocket? Yes? OK, then.
UPDATE: The federal weasel needs to either tighten his tie or take off his tie, is my feeling.
UPDATE: Also: when did guys start wearing giant sideburns again?
UPDATE: The old flashing mirror!
UPDATE: Jack uses the Thighs of Death!
UPDATE: Where are all the other bad-guy soldiers? Oh, never mind.
UPDATE: The UN weenie is such a weenie.
UPDATE: These guys are not nearly as interesting without the lingerie woman standing around.
UPDATE: The UN weenie is an even bigger weenie than we thought.
UPDATE: No matter how many times I see the commercial with the talking investing baby, it's still creepy.
UPDATE: Whoa. The Master Protocols.
UPDATE: Does anybody see the appeal of the Geico gecko? Neither do I.
UPDATE: Also, does anybody understand the subplot with this guy who is about to get whacked?
UPDATE: I guess there's very little chance that President Woman President's son's girlfriend will revert to Lingerie Mode for the inauguration.
UPDATE: Keanu Reeves is an alien. I knew it.
UPDATE: Jack vs. a helicopter. Hah.
UPDATE: Jack vs. a land mine. Hah.
UPDATE: "There's no time, Jack!"
UPDATE: Why don't they call Chloe and get the land-mine schematics?
UPDATE: Say what you want about the Irish dude, he can take a gunshot at close range while standing on a land mine.
UPDATE: I'm sure this has been commented on extensively in the comments, but how come Jack has already completely recovered from the severe facial burns administered, like, an hour ago?
UPDATE: Jack would make a great father if he weren't a psychopath.
UPDATE: "I'M JACK BAUER! FROM TELEVISION!"
UPDATE: Seriously: why is that guy wearing a necktie?
UPDATE: "DAMMIT, FRANK!"
UPDATE: Now Jack will have no choice but to do Season 7.
UPDATE: President Woman President has some stiff hair.
UPDATE: She apparently was reading her speech from the Random Cliche Generator.
UPDATE: That's IT? Man.
UPDATE: OK, then. See you all in January.
LOOKING FOR TASTEFUL GIFTS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON?
November 22, 2008
THIS JUST IN
(Thanks to Phil Snyder and Bruce)
November 21, 2008
ESTABLISH YOUR PERIMETER
Sunday, 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Thigh Wound Time. Jack returns. We'll be blogging it right here. We would write more words but THERE'S NO TIME, DAMMIT!
GOOD BOY! HERE'S YOUR FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE!
A dog named Bentley drives into a coffee shop.
(Thanks to Rob Johnson, Cheryl Howard and Jeff Meyerson)
SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE
The Role of Vitamin D in Beta Cell Function, starring Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon
(Thanks to Meanie the Blue)
IT'S US, NOT YOU
GUYS
They will not ask directions.
(Thanks to Meanie the Blue)
ADVISORY
The blog mailbox got filled up, so if you sent anything in recently, we didn't get it. Judi will of course be fired. So we have nothing to post at the moment. We do, however, have this:
NEW-DOG TRAINING TIP: We have been trying to teach Lucy to stay away from the kitchen table while we're gone. All our dog-expert friends told us that the surefire method for doing this is to put pennies in a Coke can, then shake it when Lucy gets near the table, because dogs hate that sound. We did this, and Lucy definitely seemed very alarmed by the can. So we left the can on the table and went out, confident that we had found the secret to dog obedience.
When we got home, Lucy had destroyed the Coke can. Thanks, experts!
On the other hand, Lucy told us she is very sorry.
November 20, 2008
THIS JUST IN FROM, UM, WBBM
Suspected Toilet Arsonist Arrested
(Thanks to Layzeeboy)
AIR CANADA PASSENGERS:
Do not click here.
(Thanks to Kay Myers)
THE MIDWEST HEAVES A SIGH OF RELIEF
CLASSY
NC undercover officers use Taser on pallbearer
(Thanks to bilge, Jeff Meyerson and Tom Meerschaert)
IF THEY KEEP THIS UP, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SHUT DOWN THE SPACE KEG
First the astronauts lose a tool bag, and now... a spider. This is very bad. Because if we have learned anything from watching movies, it is that this spider will now be exposed to radiation and turn into a hideous mutant creature that will destroy mankind.
(Thanks to sjhaller)
BOFFIN UPDATE
Now they're baffled by a two-faced kitten.
This has been your Boffin Update.
(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)
CSI: MURFREESBORO
(Thanks to geoff)
IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY OUTLAW THE NOOGIE
(Thanks to DavCat)
THEY SHOIULD HAVE PUT HER IN A CLEAR, RESEALABLE, ONE-QUART PLASTIC BAG
(Thanks to DavCat)
IT'S A GREAT IDEA, UNTIL THE CRIMINALS START CARRYING WOODPECKERS
FOOD LOVER OF THE DAY SO FAR
(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)
MAYBE YOU JUST HAVE A HEADACHE
Or maybe you have a brain worm.
(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)
CREEPING FASCISM IN ROMANIA
It's getting so a man can't even advertise his garden-gnome business with plastic hookers.
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
November 19, 2008
WITH SOME STORIES, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START
(Thanks to bilge)
WHEW
(Thanks to DeskDiva)
WE ARE SHOCKED, SHOCKED
Alcohol was believed to be a contributing factor.
(Thanks to DavCat)
WE LAUGH, BUT THIS IS BASICALLY HOW GOVERNMENT FINANCE WORKS
Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing
(Thanks to Steve "The Amazing Steve™" Pietrowicz)
UPDATE: Turns out this is a hoax, which makes it even more like government finance.
(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)
A TIME TO SIT AND THINK
Today, as you are no doubt aware, is World Toilet Day. You should definitely take the day off from work so you can observe this occasion in an appropriate manner.
(Thanks to Chicomathmom)
THIS JUST IN
(Thanks to DavCat)
THE APOCALYPSE
(Thanks to Tampa Norm)
SURE YOU ARE!
(Thanks to Lynn)
WE CAN ALL BREATHE EASIER
Attleboro, Mass., cracks down on the criminal element.
(Thanks to Siouxie)
YOU MAY THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO A MAN IN PRISON IS
Advisory: Do not click this link before breakfast. Or, after.
("Thanks" to RussellMc)
November 18, 2008
OOPS!
(Thanks to MissV)
ALSO, LIGHTNING MEANS THAT ZEUS GOT ANGRY
LEAST ACCURATE USE OF THE WORD "PERPLEXED" IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
(Thanks to DavCat)
CREEPING FASCISM ON A PLANE
It's getting so a man can't adjust himself.
(Thanks to eugen beer and Jeff Meyerson)
