24: RESUMPTION REDEMPTION

UPDATE ADDED MONDAY: Scroll down through the comments to the 11:19 p.m. mark for the Return of the Amazing Steve's Amazing Plot Summary. Welcome back, Amazing Steve. 

When we last saw Jack Bauer, he was seriously depressed because he had just spent 24 grueling hours trying to comprehend the plot of Season 6, which involved a lot of exploding and shooting and by various parties trying to get hold of the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which everybody in the world wanted and we are darned if we could ever figure out why. We vaguely recall that Audrey was in a coma, but we won't believe she's truly gone until we see the stake through her heart.

As we begin tonight's episode, Jack, sick of violence and seeking peace, has naturally decided to go to an African nation going through a military coup. No chance of trouble there! Meanwhile back in the U.S.A., it's Inauguration Day and President Powers Boothe is about to be replaced by President Woman President, played by (really) Cherry Jones. Appearing in the role of evil villain is Jon Voight. Edgar is still dead.

UPDATE: So far, nothing has happened.

UPDATE: UH-oh! Language AND Violence!

UPDATE: Thank God the people in this nation speak English.

UPDATE: Well, THAT was an upbeat start!

UPDATE: John Voight is evil, and he is sporting a badass phone.

UPDATE: Jack appears to be on Qualuuds. Or however you spell them.

UPDATE: Quaaludes.

UPDATE: OK, we get it. Jack is done with violence. Great. Now let's get to the shooting.

UPDATE: A subpoena? Jack Bauer wipes his butt with their subpoena.

UPDATE: Lingerie!

UPDATE: We're hoping the plot will continue to feature President Woman President's son's girlfriend.

UPDATE: "Advanced weapons systems." Hmmmm.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Jack needs to SET UP A PERIMETER AROUND THE SCHOOL.

UPDATE: Jack has NO TIME for the UN weenie with his talk of "talking."

UPDATE: Fifty soldiers against Jack? Hah.

UPDATE: Shooting and stabbing.

UPDATE: Does Jack just carry sticks of dynamite around in his pocket? Yes? OK, then.

UPDATE: The federal weasel needs to either tighten his tie or take off his tie, is my feeling.

UPDATE: Also: when did guys start wearing giant sideburns again?

UPDATE: The old flashing mirror!

UPDATE: Jack uses the Thighs of Death!

UPDATE: Where are all the other bad-guy soldiers? Oh, never mind.

UPDATE: The UN weenie is such a weenie.

UPDATE: These guys are not nearly as interesting without the lingerie woman standing around.

UPDATE: The UN weenie is an even bigger weenie than we thought.

UPDATE: No matter how many times I see the commercial with the talking investing baby, it's still creepy.

UPDATE: Whoa. The Master Protocols.

UPDATE: Does anybody see the appeal of the Geico gecko? Neither do I.

UPDATE: Also, does anybody understand the subplot with this guy who is about to get whacked?

UPDATE: I guess there's very little chance that President Woman President's son's girlfriend will revert to Lingerie Mode for the inauguration.

UPDATE: Keanu Reeves is an alien. I knew it.

UPDATE: Jack vs. a helicopter. Hah.

UPDATE: Jack vs. a land mine. Hah.

UPDATE: "There's no time, Jack!"

UPDATE: Why don't they call Chloe and get the land-mine schematics?

UPDATE: Say what you want about the Irish dude, he can take a gunshot at close range while standing on a land mine.

UPDATE: I'm sure this has been commented on extensively in the comments, but how come Jack has already completely recovered from the severe facial burns administered, like, an hour ago?

UPDATE: Jack would make a great father if he weren't a psychopath.

UPDATE: "I'M JACK BAUER! FROM TELEVISION!"

UPDATE: Seriously: why is that guy wearing a necktie?

UPDATE: "DAMMIT, FRANK!"

UPDATE: Now Jack will have no choice but to do Season 7.

UPDATE: President Woman President has some stiff hair.

UPDATE: She apparently was reading her speech from the Random Cliche Generator.

UPDATE: That's IT? Man.

UPDATE: OK, then. See you all in January.

Comments

[Siouxie]

FIRST

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Ready to go! Summary some time after the show!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

And now, an excerpt from what was to be last year's season 7:
----------------------
Barney: I love you! You love me! We're a happy fam...(a stage door suddenly bursts open)

Jack: (gun drawn and aiming squarely at Barney's head) PUT THE TRIGGER DOWN SLOWLY, BARNEY!

Barney: But I don't know what you're talking about! I'm just here for the children!

Jack: DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS, BARNEY! YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY THIS TIME!

Barney: Honestly, I don't know (Barney struggles with a small device in one of his hands) what you're talking about...

BLAM!

THUD!

Jack: WHY'D YOU MAKE ME SHOOT YOU! DAMMIT!
----------------------

Oh man that would have been an AWESOME season...*sigh*...anywho...

That's right, it's time for what we've all been waiting for...

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("Goes well with a pith helmet during your adventures in Africa!") and ChloeSack™ ("Oh, wait...Chloe's not in tonight's episode? Please withdraw our sponsorship.")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE (IN THE JOOOOOOOOOOOOONGLE)!

This "24" intro was brought to you by our friends and families, Xbox 360, Internet, other movies & TV shows, sporting events and most importantly BEER! Just because we needed all that other stuff to tide us over until this night finally arrived!

[Mike Marsh]

Hey! Sarah Palin was right -- Africa's a country!

[daisymae]

s'about time.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wait, they're getting kids to fight Jack Bauer now? Must be because adults know better...

Poor kids...

[aaronak]

For those of you in the East, 24 starts n--

[MartiniShark]

Lookit all the kids with guns -- must have shot this in South Florida.

[Siouxie]

rut roh...kool aid?

[Layzeeboy]

Gunfire. 15 seconds in.

[Cheesewiz]

Happy Jack all!

[Siouxie]

all your land are belong to us???

[daisymae]

Kids with machetes? Sounds like Fla. high schools.

[daisymae]

that machete's too big for a cockaroach...uh oh...do ya think he killed the guy? i was typing.

[Layzeeboy]

Siouxie, you could give that kid some lessons.

[ArcticAl]

Doesn't the giant cockroach look a bit like George Forman?

[Cat R]

Real time !! whew!!

[jthoya]

i thought i was watching 24 not Blood Diamond.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Why does this evil kids thing remind me of that Trek episode where the kids take over the Enterprise...

[Sloth]

Will 12 of the 24 hours be jack flying between africa and america?

[Siouxie]

I agree, Layzee...his machete whackin' was a bit sloppy.

[Wes S.]

Finally! Jack's back!

...And in the first five minutes we have a scummy rebel leader who trains children to kill and a somewhat less scummy federal process server.

Hopefully they'll both be bleeding out from thigh wounds before the end of the episode...

[MartiniShark]

Gil Bellows is in this? After "Ally mcBeal" he'll be too soft. He's my first choice to buy the farm.

[aaronak]

"And what do you kill apart from cockroaches?"

"More cockroaches!"

[Cat R]

Mark Aiken? Clays' brother?

[Gennita Low]

Where is Jack? I don't see any Jack.

[MJ]

MJ checking in....it's been forever! After Season 6, my expectations are very low, so I hope to enjoy the episode.

Here's hoping ManKim makes an appearance.

[Siouxie]

JACK!!

[Margaritaville]

Christina Aguilera is opening the show...no wait...that is the AMA show.

[daisymae]

snooping in the jack sack...uh oh!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Don't shoot him in the thigh, Jack!

[Gennita Low]

JACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!

"Kid, putting that knife there without underpants? Dangerous...."

Jack is still mumbling, hurrah!

[ArcticAl]

Oh no Jack is going back to see his daughter!

[daisymae]

snork @ margaritaville

[Cat R]

OK, I cranked the volume four times already. Stop mumbling, Jack!

[Wes S.]

Apparently Jack doesn't intend to go home to see Kim, because he just gave the Poor Starvin' Kid Kim's scarf...

[ArcticAl]

Uh oh a political officer!

[Cat R]

u been served

[daisymae]

who's the guy with the glasses...he looks familiar?

[EB]

Whatever happened to Pres. AllState??

SO glad you post 24 history here, so I don't have to watch it..

EB

P.S. Lucy is the cutest lab ever..

[Siouxie]

Nice glasses

[PokerYogi]

It's Billy from Ally McBeal!!!!

[ArcticAl]

What a weenie that diplomat is. Doesn't he know who he's talking to?

[Gennita Low]

Kim in Africa? Yesss...lots of dangerous animals waiting for her here.

[Cat R]

If the White House doesn't have to respect subpoenas, neither does Jack!

[Chris Matthews]

I'm so excited to see Jack shoot someone in a leg that I feel a tingling sensation running up my thigh

[daisymae]

yeah...don't threaten him, Frank!

[ArcticAl]

Now the weenie is threatening a charity. What a loser!

[Gennita Low]

Season Seven: Warrior With Wheelbarrow. Catchy.

[Wes S.]

Uh oh! Dumb UN weenie mocking Jack! Doesn't he know that's a bad idea...?

[insomniac]

moments later, the french guy was shot in the thigh...

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack laughs at your subpoena!

[MartiniShark]

Why is a kid in Africa wearing Miami Dolphins colors?

[Cat R]

I need a commercial so I can pour my wine.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

"Recruiting numbers coming up short"

HA! What a jokester John Voight is! Referring to the recruits by height!

[ArcticAl]

How come they have excellent cell phone phone coverage in every third world country and they keep dropping my calls here in North America?

[Cat R]

Hey, Brad Pitt's father-in-law! Sorta.

[Layzeeboy]

Buncha Rednecks with that car in the yard.

[Cheesewiz]

if Jack is done with violence this show will really be about nothing.

[daisymae]

snork @ artic al

[ArcticAl]

He seems more afraid of his ex-wives than the FCC.

[Cat R]

oooh pills

[Gennita Low]

Bored now. Someone send Cromartie.

[Wes S.]

"General Choomba?"

Snork.

And if Jon Voight doesn't want his operation "traceable" then why is he using a satphone? Hasn't he heard of Echelon?

[daisymae]

Cat, I need a commercial to go pee.

[Cat R]

uh oh. pills left out on desk...can;t be good

[Suzy Q]

*cartwheels into the blog, gun in one hand, Blackberry in the other*

Oof!

*waves magic princess wand to set up perimeter, grabs glass of wine*

Ok, I'm heere!!

[Cat R]

word, dude

[daisymae]

Hi, Suzy!

[Suzy Q]

Am I mistaken, or has Jack grown something resembling a heart? That can't be good.

[Layzeeboy]

He doesn't wanna open his Publisher's Clearing House envelope?

[Cat R]

snork at layzee

[Cheesewiz]

"Trust me Jack."

Danger, danger.

[Cat R]

cranking volume up again

can't you people speak UP?

[Mike Marsh]

Is Jack's friend hitting on him?

[Siouxie]

U-2??

[Gennita Low]

Is the magic satchel(TM) smaller?????!

[ArcticAl]

I'm trying to remember where I know Carl from. He looks like a skinny McGiver.

[Suzy Q]

*puts gun down, waves at daisymae*

Oh, he's different from you, Jack? In what way? He poops more than one a decade?

[MartiniShark]

Shoot a bag of rice, it'll make you feel better.

[insomniac]

"trying to make sense of it all" a/k/a 'The Quest For The Random Plot Generator!'

[Cheesewiz]

The wooden dialogue generator is dusted off and working fine.

[Margaritaville]

It is always better for everyone when Jack leaves, you have to admit. Someone always gets shot when he's around.

[daisymae]

enuf already with the heart felt moments.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Talk talk talk talk talk...

I almost expect Jack and Carl to embrace...

C'mon, let's get to thigh shooting!

[Suzy Q]

Hey, TH guy! Sorry I missed your intro in real time.

[MJ]

Why are they whispering? Is their "work" relationship perhaps a cover for their "other" relationship?

[Siouxie]

Suz! got my wine ready!

*clink*

[Cat R]

OT

Kiefer Sutherland's dad has the best hair. (Dirty Sexy Money)

/OT

[MartiniShark]

"It's not a Ru-Mor!"

[Margaritaville]

And the AMA award for most awkwardly spelled word in the human language: subpoena!

[Suzy Q]

Is this going to be all about Families and Children and Children and Families? I thought the election was over.

God, where's the shooting?

[ArcticAl]

How come the UN guy is also a super weenie? Shouldn't he be worried about the kids?

[dando]

Carl is Robert Carlyle - Gazza from "The Full Monty". Can't wait to see if he and Jack can work some of those scenes in.

[Suzy Q]

Hey, Sioux! *waves wineglass*

[Cat R]

does shooting a goal in soccer count?

[Cheesewiz]

Ok the goats are out of bounds but the chickens are in.

[insomniac]

soccer field or mine field?

[pleasantpond]

Is that the Full Monty guy?

[Mike Marsh]

Nothing good ever comes of playing soccer...