UPDATE ADDED MONDAY: Scroll down through the comments to the 11:19 p.m. mark for the Return of the Amazing Steve's Amazing Plot Summary. Welcome back, Amazing Steve.
When we last saw Jack Bauer, he was seriously depressed because he had just spent 24 grueling hours trying to comprehend the plot of Season 6, which involved a lot of exploding and shooting and by various parties trying to get hold of the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which everybody in the world wanted and we are darned if we could ever figure out why. We vaguely recall that Audrey was in a coma, but we won't believe she's truly gone until we see the stake through her heart.
As we begin tonight's episode, Jack, sick of violence and seeking peace, has naturally decided to go to an African nation going through a military coup. No chance of trouble there! Meanwhile back in the U.S.A., it's Inauguration Day and President Powers Boothe is about to be replaced by President Woman President, played by (really) Cherry Jones. Appearing in the role of evil villain is Jon Voight. Edgar is still dead.
UPDATE: So far, nothing has happened.
UPDATE: UH-oh! Language AND Violence!
UPDATE: Thank God the people in this nation speak English.
UPDATE: Well, THAT was an upbeat start!
UPDATE: John Voight is evil, and he is sporting a badass phone.
UPDATE: Jack appears to be on Qualuuds. Or however you spell them.
UPDATE: OK, we get it. Jack is done with violence. Great. Now let's get to the shooting.
UPDATE: A subpoena? Jack Bauer wipes his butt with their subpoena.
UPDATE: We're hoping the plot will continue to feature President Woman President's son's girlfriend.
UPDATE: "Advanced weapons systems." Hmmmm.
UPDATE: Jack needs to SET UP A PERIMETER AROUND THE SCHOOL.
UPDATE: Jack has NO TIME for the UN weenie with his talk of "talking."
UPDATE: Fifty soldiers against Jack? Hah.
UPDATE: Shooting and stabbing.
UPDATE: Does Jack just carry sticks of dynamite around in his pocket? Yes? OK, then.
UPDATE: The federal weasel needs to either tighten his tie or take off his tie, is my feeling.
UPDATE: Also: when did guys start wearing giant sideburns again?
UPDATE: The old flashing mirror!
UPDATE: Jack uses the Thighs of Death!
UPDATE: Where are all the other bad-guy soldiers? Oh, never mind.
UPDATE: The UN weenie is such a weenie.
UPDATE: These guys are not nearly as interesting without the lingerie woman standing around.
UPDATE: The UN weenie is an even bigger weenie than we thought.
UPDATE: No matter how many times I see the commercial with the talking investing baby, it's still creepy.
UPDATE: Whoa. The Master Protocols.
UPDATE: Does anybody see the appeal of the Geico gecko? Neither do I.
UPDATE: Also, does anybody understand the subplot with this guy who is about to get whacked?
UPDATE: I guess there's very little chance that President Woman President's son's girlfriend will revert to Lingerie Mode for the inauguration.
UPDATE: Keanu Reeves is an alien. I knew it.
UPDATE: Jack vs. a helicopter. Hah.
UPDATE: Jack vs. a land mine. Hah.
UPDATE: "There's no time, Jack!"
UPDATE: Why don't they call Chloe and get the land-mine schematics?
UPDATE: Say what you want about the Irish dude, he can take a gunshot at close range while standing on a land mine.
UPDATE: I'm sure this has been commented on extensively in the comments, but how come Jack has already completely recovered from the severe facial burns administered, like, an hour ago?
UPDATE: Jack would make a great father if he weren't a psychopath.
UPDATE: "I'M JACK BAUER! FROM TELEVISION!"
UPDATE: Seriously: why is that guy wearing a necktie?
UPDATE: "DAMMIT, FRANK!"
UPDATE: Now Jack will have no choice but to do Season 7.
UPDATE: President Woman President has some stiff hair.
UPDATE: She apparently was reading her speech from the Random Cliche Generator.
UPDATE: That's IT? Man.
UPDATE: OK, then. See you all in January.