Dave Barry's Blog

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

He's a Floridian, of course.

(Thanks to judi)

Update: Although this guy is also a strong candidate:

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE'RE ALL FOR SAVING THE PLANET

But there's a limit.

ATTENTION ALL HAMPSHIRE UNITS

(Thanks to -- Surprise! -- Siouxie)

JUST WHEN YOU THINK ALL THE REALLY GREAT INVENTIONS HAVE ALREADY BEEN INVENTED

Presenting: The WineRack

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and James)

SO MUCH FOR DOGS LEARNING MORALS

This kid's dog actually did eat his homework:

Ben Parker managed only a D in English and an E in history after his Boxer Ruby chewed up a USB memory stick containing thousands of words of coursework.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPORTSPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

North Carolina Man Makes Record Catch With Barbie Fishing Rod

(Thanks to Katie in FL and Siouxie)

WHICH IS WHY THE MALES TRY TO HAVE SEX WITH PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING THAT IS NOT MOVING

(Thanks to Claude Kutaka)

OLYMPIC UPDATE

Katrina Candy and the Pizzle Traders WBAGNFARB

(Thanks to Phil Snyder)

BOOK 'ER, DANNO

Heidi Dalibor, who was arrested for ignoring a municipal violation for overdue library books, said she’ll likely use her library card again – but probably not at the Grafton library.

(Thanks to Afkat)

DON'T TASE ME, BRO

Tase my emu.

(Thanks to queensbee and Susannah Nation)

CAMPAIGN UPDATE

Whoa.

(Thanks to Peter [Har!] Metrinko)

WHY IT'S BETTER TO JUST DO 'SHAKE HANDS'

Witnesses: Man head-butted pit bull before losing ear

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

'WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, MOM?'

"Oh, nothing much. Maybe just some cash."

(Thanks to jpenman and queensbee)

NOW HE'LL HAVE TO TAKE A PATERNITY TEST

(Thanks to sjhaller)

UPDATE ON THE SITUATION IN MELBOURNE

In addition to alligators in the streets, they also have critters on the airport runway, including, "two gopher tortoises, four walking catfish, an alligator and a blue indigo snake."

(Thanks to Corey Smith)

IT IT MAKES THE OWNERS FEEL ANY BETTER, WE SURE AS HECK DON'T WANT IT

Yoda the four-eared cat

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FINANCIAL TIP OF THE DAY SO FAR

Consider going to Flumserberg and leasing a goat.

Key Benefit: You may, of course, also visit your protégé on the alp during milking hours.

(Via James' Europe Travel Blog)

TROPICAL ENDLESS STORM FAY ADVISORY FOR MELBOURNE RESIDENTS

Stay off the streets.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

JAVA GIRLS

Don't mess with them.

(Thanks to DavCat)

CANADIAN FASCISM UPDATE

They're taking away all the simple pleasures.

(Thanks to The Perts and DavCat)

WE CAN EXPECT AN ATTACK ON EARTH ANY DAY NOW

(Thanks to SharonCville)

WHY THIS BLOG SUPPORTS A THREE-DAY 'COOLING OFF' PERIOD FOR THE PURCHASE OF GNOMES

(Thanks to Jan Anderson)

Update: Janice Gelb sends this version, including this:

The gnome, about a foot tall, wore a hat, a blue shirt over a bulging stomach and a wide grin as it sat on a table in open court throughout the two-day trial. Morrison and the weapon were separated by about 2 feet of table, with the gnome facing the defendant.

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

Cats in tanks.

Also, planes.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE HAD NO IDEA

A 12-year-old Tipton lad has demonstrated why it's a really bad idea to light your own farts in close proximity to a can of petrol.

(Thanks to queensbee,. Justin Barber and Robert White)

TALENT

When you have it, you have it.

Advisory: This is WAY better with the sound off.

(Thanks to Clown Puppy)

IT'S FINALLY THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL IN SOUTH FLORIDA

What did you do on your summer vacaAAAAAAACK

UPDATE, perhaps

IF YOU CAN WATCH THIS AND NOT WET YOUR PANTS

...then you are not wearing pants.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using dragnet-eluding monkeys.

(Thanks to queensbee)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOOOTION PICTURE

When Cows Attack

SQUIRREL UPDATE

The little furred bastards are up to something.

OLYMPICS MARKETING UPDATE

Har.

(Thanks to Margy Cassidy)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Key Quote:

When the officer woke him up and asked him where he was, the man answered that he was in Destin, although he was actually on College Boulevard in Niceville.

When asked to produce his driver's license, he handed the officer two different pairs of sunglasses and an empty box of condoms. Then, he gave the officer a half-full cold Fosters beer from the center console, telling him that he'd opened it earlier but hadn't drunk much of it.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to DavCat)

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR SALMON PREPARED?

Well done, please.

(Thanks to RussellMc and DavCat)

WEEKEND AT ANGEL'S

Puerto Rico corpse kept upright for 3-day wake

(Thanks to Amanda Austin and Jennifer P.)

'DIVE IN'

Disney says no to 'Musical' panties

(Thanks to John Regan)

CANADIAN CRIME UPDATE

A Chatham woman was to be in court today for a bail hearing after she allegedly bit a pet-store owner in a bid to flee after stealing some hamster food.

This has been your Canadian Crime Update.

REMEMBER THE NASHVILLE WOMAN WHO, WHILE TRYING TO KILL A COCKROACH, SET FIRE TO HER HOUSE?

Apparently she has a relative in Reno.

(Thanks to Heather)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Canada gets its own porn channel.

(Thanks to RussellMc and tlowell, who says, "The pizza delivery guy's here, eh!"

TODAY'S FORECAST

Party cloudy, with an 80 percent chance of lost sphincter control.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

(UPDATE: Also thanks to everybody else in the world, according to judi)

IF THEY HAD NOT ACTED, IT WOULD SURELY HAVE INVADED FRANCE

German police have confiscated what may be the world's fastest office chair.

(Thanks to Siouxie, queensbee and DavCat)

TROPICAL MOTH FART STORM FAY UPDATE

The devastation has been devastating. A reader named Dan sent us the photo below, showing just what can happen when winds of this magnitude impact a domicile. We apologize for the graphic nature of this photo, but, dammit, the public needs to know the truth.

IS OUR ANIMALS LEARNING?

Lost baby whale thinks yacht is mom

Confused sea turtles march into restaurant

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff, Siouxie, DavCat and Chris Lawson)

UH-OH

(Thanks to Dave Roe)

MEN DON'T LISTEN

Here's proof.

(Thanks to Gina Donahue)

GOOD TO HAVE PRIORITIES

Woman Sets House On Fire Trying To Kill Bug

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

HYGIENE UPDATE

HYGIENE — Residents here say a cow named Apple chased off a bear that had climbed into her favorite apple tree.

This has been your Hygiene Update

WHEN BOILED PEANUTS ARE OUTLAWED

...Spring Hill will be safer.

(Thanks to DavCat)

HOW CAN WE RESIST?

We're on our way.

(Thanks to DavCat, jon harris, Jeff Meyerson, Siouxie, and jazzieb)

TROPICAL STORM FAY ADVISORY FOR SOUTH FLORIDIANS

Turn off the TV.  Read this.