A READER ASKS FOR HELP

Dear Dave's Assistant,

I am hoping you can help me by getting this Message to Dave. there is a problem in America and I know that Dave can shed some light on this.

it is the phenomenon of large breasted males going topless in public. Having grown up in miami and also having lived in california I have run across this many times. Generally it is acceptable ( although kinda gross) but its something commonly seen on or around a beach or pool.

Unfortunately, I am living now in indianapolis where this seems to be an epidemic. since there are no beaches and less pools. these men seem to feel the need to go topless in other public venues such as our streets, racing events and just about anywhere that is inappropriate verging on creepy. for example 2 grown men on one scooter going down the street. Since moving to this godforsaken place, my retinas have grown detached, and I feel the need to vomit frequently.

Perhaps Dave can provide some insight into this unpleasant situation. or possibly address or should i say dress this issue in an upcoming guy book someday.

please help!!

Sincerely,

Michelle Oleck

Comments

[Margaritaville]

I'm afraid there is no cure.

[Kibby F5™]

MeThinks a normal book isn't going to be BIG enough to cover those. MeThinks something like a WALL CALENDAR will be needed.

*wonders if the famous Silk Market has plastic Man Boobs*

[Siouxie]

Problem: manboobs

Solution: BRO

[Dr. Bob]

Dear Michelle: I think you should go topless in protest.

[Hammond Rye]

Michelle, you are in Indiana. Go out and enjoy the cornfields then throw the basketball around a bit. Now, doesn't that feel a bit better? Yes, I knew it would. Just relax and let the Hoosier spirit seep into your soul. See, those men aren't that repulsive, are they? Just relax...relax...relax...

[Siouxie]

OH and btw, Michelle??

The name is judi.

[Siouxie]

*WAVES bra @ Hammie!!!*

[Hammond Rye]

*Refuses to click on link. Prefers mental image*

*Waves @ Siouxie!!!*

[southerncal]

As a former resident of Indy, (thank God for only 2 years) this is just the tip of the iceberg. When you find out what Hoosier really means, it will explain a lot. Your only hope is to move....and sooner is better. Take it from one who has "been there, done that"

[Siouxie]

Aww man! It's real sexy, Hammie ;-)

[michelle]

Southerncal ! You understand, when I moved here from lake elsinore 2 years ago, it was well an adjustment.
still never got a straight answer from anyone on the true meaning of Hoosier, but Ive learned about things like cornhole which involves throwing a bag of corn into a hole and other such local customs.
not planning on staying here forever it just seems like it.

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

there are no beaches and less pools

Negative pools? Anti pools? somebody help me out...

If Indy has anti-pools, how can I get one; and how much energy could I produce by coliding it with the pool (that I don't want) in my back yard? Would I need dilithium crystals?

[ShadowKatmandu]

I grew up in Indianapolis. I moved to Colorado when I was 29. Every time I go back to visit Indy, I am reminded of why I stay in Colorado: I prefer to swim in pools and lakes, not the air, which is often humid enough for fish to swim around in.

This is why large-breasted men go topless in Indiana. It feels like you're in a swimming pool constantly, so they are hoping the chlorine will hide their hideousness. Anyway, that was always my excuse.

Meanwhile, come to Colorado. The upside is les male-topless-ness. The downside is less air to breathe and Tom Tancredo.

[Kat]

Simple solution - drive the hour south and come to Bloomington. There's a wonderful plethora of shirtless college-aged guys running around tanned and very muscley.

[christine]

Here's an article on the origin of "Hoosier":
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoosier
It relates a few theories, but evidently no one actually has a clue.

[Kathybear]

Never dis a Hoosier. That's how they got the name. Aftyer a fight with a Hoosier, someone had to ask"Whose EAR?"

[padraig]

Michelle, nobody knows where "hoosier" came from, but anyone from Wisconsin or Illinois can tell you that Indiana is definitely the source of the expression, "Hoosier Daddy?"

[Mr Death]

Is that why they call it hoosiery?

[mudstuffin]

though i'm only topless at the pool, as a large-breasted male let me add that if you don't like the view, turn around. that way i can stare at your rear, which i'm sure is perfect in every way. :P

[Mike Antonucci]

Dave has an assistant?

[Siouxie]

Here ya go, muddy! ;-P

[BoscoH]

Apologies to Carlos Santana...

You're a Large Breasted Male,
You're a Large Breasted Male,
Yes, you're a Large Breasted Male,
You're going topless at the beach and the pool.
But you're a Large Breasted Male and
You're trying to too hard to be cool.

Please turn your back on me, buddy.
Please turn your back on me, buddy.
Yes, turn your back on me, buddy.
Don't make us look at your rack.
Please turn your back on me, buddy
cuz if you were a chick you'd be totally stacked.

[gjd]

*^5's mudstuffin*

[Lairbo]

One solution would be a high-tech corset, embedded into and disguised and marketed as a "bathing shirt" or one-piece swimming outfit (just like Michael Phelps wears!), for guys who have a little too much up front.

If it held in both the gut and the manboobs, you'd have a best-seller for sure, especially if, for its false-front, you used the mold from George Clooney's old Batman suit.

The "shape-shifting" properties could be justified as being "aquadynamic," and for keeping out dangerous UV rays.

[crossgirl]

far worse than public toplessness, my sister tells me the folks in, and i quote, "indyf*ckingana* wear socks with sandals which, unlike excess poundage, can be corrected in, oh 30 seconds, and yet.....no.

[Margaritaville]

Good one Bosco!

[Moon]

Dave's Assistant, while you are doing something about Hoosier moobs, could you also do something about Hoosier wimmen in stretch pants that have been stretched so much they look like nylons?

Thanks in advance.

[kacie]

As someone who has lived in Indy for several years I would just like to say... please do not judge ALL the residents by the influx of IndyCar, Nascar and/or Formula One fans that occurs in the summer.... those are the times that the normal residents either stick to the north side--- or go out on Mullet/ Muffin-top watch for the sheer amusement...

[Jeff Meyerson]

Michelle, was it anything like this?

WARNING - eyebleach alert!

[Angel, also in Indiana]

Wow, I had no idea there were so many of us from Indiana on this blog. At least we have good taste!

[Alien8]

Derf of Derf City, which I think is dot com, has often addressed the problem of he-boobies in his comic.

[Laurie]

"he-boobies" bwaaa haaa haaaa.
Dave has no assistant. She is going to be fired as soon as he gets back. Which means we need nekkid men NOW!

[Richard Byrne]

They need a "Bro" not to be confused with a bra

[eilbeback]

Another Hoosier chiming in: As a former Floridian (now, really, which is worse?), I might point out that for the past 3 days, I have had the windows open and the temperature has not climbed over 74, nor the humidity over 46%. So THERE! I can say that I never had a good hair day in FL, and I sweated in January just walking to the car. On the other hand, the pools here are only open for 3 1/2 seconds. So if you're going to show your moobs there, you've got to be quick!

[Hanna]

I agree, keep them covered, although I do sympathize with the need to keep cool. In Montana we used to use bras thinly disguised as "halter tops" to beat the heat. Maybe guys could just wear a tank top with very large holes??

[ScottMGS]

Hey, I resemble that remark!

Here's Derf's take on he-boobies that A8 referred to.

[shell in ks]

My husband is from Indiana (Terra Haute) and we make the trek a couple of times a year. It's worth it for the bumper car race on steroids that is I-70 thru Missouri. We're in KS, so maybe not so much different than IN. There are crazy things happening up/over there. My MIL's neighbor and kids repeatedly jump their four wheeler into their swimming pool. They have a wench and ramp sat up to get it out. The ATV has over-sized tires and they have contests to see who can keep it on top of the water the longest. I'm always curious what they tell their insurance company, because the ATV is frequently different.

[ScottMGS]

Uh, I'm not sure why the he-boobies link didn't show up, up there so I'll try again.

s-i-ks, did you mean wench or winch?

[shell in ks]

Both, you should see the wife. :)

[shell in ks]

And the wench.

[maria]

Dear Michelle,
I can sympathize with the topless men problem. i can't decide which is worse, naked boobs on men or butt cracks on kids that wear their pants too low!

[michelle]

man boobs or butt cleavage in most cases is just something nobody needs to see, but they do provide
amusement. there are many local customs here i have yet to understand, someone here mentioned the socks with sandals thing. I have a coworker who does that.
no doesnt wearing socks defeat the purpose of sandals?

then we have people who wear helmets to ride a bicycle but no helmet to drive a motorcycle.

and the fascination with tanning salons. they dont make you look tan. they make you look like an oompa-loompa.

and the regulation hair cuts women get when they turn 40- as if long hair is the devil.

then why do people park their cars on the street when they have either a driveway or a driveway and a garage. never saw so many missing side mirrors in my life !