A MODEST PROPOSAL

If parents give their children "creative" names such as Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii, then the children, upon reaching the age of, say, nine, should have the right to legally and permanently rename their parents.

(Thanks to Expat_Canuck, sjhaller, queensbee, DavCat, Gina Donahue, Justin Barber and Siouxie, who states that she, personally, would like to meet "Stallion")

Comments

[Punkin]

I bet she would... ;)

[Jeff Meyerson]

Not Sex Fruit, Siouxie?

[Chunkin Punkin "Rainbow" Vaginaburg]

I know just how that kid feels.

[Steve Haller]

Well, presumably any self-respecting stallion would have sex fruit...

[Siouxie]

*blushing*

um...I think the s.b. would too (and any other woman on this here blog).

[fivver]

Fortunately this didn't take hold during the 80's or the most popular name would have been Mama Should Have Stayed Away From the Tequila Shooters.

[Siouxie]

LMAO Punkin! (smoooooooch...miss you BFF!)

Jeff? I'm bringing the fruit (iycmd) ;-)

[Thing One and Thing Two]

Please make this proposal retroactive. Thank you.

[Jeff Meyerson]

My niece was named "Love" (this was the 70s) but changed her name more than once since.

I guess it's better than Area Code or Let's Go Mets.

[Wes S.]

Were Dave's proposal to be adopted...Hollywood would be in serious trouble.

Heh heh.

[lil rascal]

The kid had a right to be terribly disturbed with the short for Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. Which is 'Talula'.

[Diva]

Good GRIEF! This one got caught, but "Benson" and "Hedges" and "Number 16 Bus Shelter" did NOT?!?!?

[Moon Unit Zappa, obo myself and brother Dweezil]

I am in total agreement.

[Chastity Bono]

And my mother wonders why I'm gay....

[Siouxie]

I think the kids should have the right to shoot their parents. I mean...really.

Wes, I agree. The Hollywood crowd is trying to see which idiot can come up with the stupidest name.

[Siousea]

Not that Dave doesn't come up with "creative" names...

[Judge Webster J. Tuberhonker]

Take what you get and like it!

[Steve Haller]

Let us not forget that Texas musical culture owes much to this grande dame who founded the Houston Symphony...

[Braniff]

"Keenan Got Lucy"? You think maybe he meant "Lucky"?

[Ivanna Humpalot]

Vat's the big deal??

[orcel]

True story...

My wife just gave birth to a boy, July 3 (He shares a birth day with Dave!). We named him "John" And we have had a number of people cmment how unique we are for giving him a normal name.

Makes me wonder what the definition of normal is.

[Siouxie]

Congrats, orcel!

For a minute there I thought you named your child July 3 ;-)

[Jeff Meyerson]

orcel (congratulations, by the way), you scared me for a minute with your opening My wife just gave birth to a boy, July 3...

[Jeff Meyerson]

Siouxie, you stole my brain (again).

[Siouxie]

EEEEEEEEK!!

*tosses brain back to Jeff*

hehe...sowwy.

[queensbee]

But what about: Johann Gambolputty... de von
Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-
dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-
spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-
nurnburger-bratwustle-gernspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-
gumberaber-shonedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?
and i thought it was just celebrities who gave their kids stupid names. who is the one who named their kid - Apple? we should have the right to whack em all upside their heads.

[Siouxie]

queensbee, that would be Gwynneth Paltrow. I'd smack her too.

[Jeff Meyerson]

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name too...

[Margaritaville]

some parents just need a good ass kicking.

[Braniff]

Nice one queensbee. For pretty much everything silly in this world you can find a reference in Monty Python. Or Seinfeld.

[queensbee]

thanks siouxie - i knew it was a young blonde actress. the good news, is that by the time they are 50-ish, none of these oddly named people will remember their names.
but here's one i did remember -whatsis name - jason lee - he's on nbc as Earl?? his kid is named Pilot Inspektor. note the clever spelling of inspector. i read somewhere that he and his partner are expecting a child.... lawdy help that little one. can somebody go whack him one?

[Punkin]

My daughters' sister-in-law just had a baby this week.....her last name is Hang. She named her newborn boy Aspen Forrest. Aspen Forrest Hang.

Sounds like a snowboard trick. What a nice and unique name.

*sigh*

[Siouxie]

Punkin??

I'm hoping the "Poo" family is not as unique when naming a baby ;-)

[Steve Haller]

Nothing wrong with "Nanki-Poo" ...

[Punkin]

Should the Poo family have any little pooplets, I'm sure they better will run the name by me before birth.

[PirateBoy]

Still, no name beats the Wide Receiver for the NY Giants: Craphonso Thorpe.

Just what were his parents thinking...or smoking?

[PirateBoy]

EEEEEK! I've been struck-thru!

Punkin? (Stern look here....)

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

?

[PirateBoy]

What about the women who named her twins "OrangeJello" (Pronounced as "Or-rang-gee-low" and "LemonJello"? (Pronounced "lea-mon-gee-low")

I knew a nurse that talked a patient out of naming her baby "Syphilis", which she called a 'cute name' she saw in the hospital..

And let us not forget the twins "April May" and June May". When they turned 18, April murdered her sister. Do you think she told the judge "I was out of school, with a month to kill...."

[Siouxie]

Punkin strikes again!

[Punkin]

Don't forget the Mom who named her baby "Urine" - pronounced "Yer-eee-nie" - because she was so touched that the nurses were so concerned about her preemie that they named her and put up a lovely sign that said "SAVE URINE".

[Punkin]

(sorry about the strikethrough runthrough, I always leave my S hanging open)

[Siouxie]

What about the Cuban parents that named their kid "USNAVI" after the U.S. Navy ship that rescued them?

I've also heard of a girl named "Female" (pronounced Fem-a-lee.

Very original peoples.

[baligurl]

True story: my sister-in-law's real name is Koala. I thought that was kinda cute til I realised her maiden name was Hebert. Pronounced A-bear.

Now it's Finkenauer, and she loves it.

[oldmanatee]

or the woman that named her child Shi-thead.

[Margaritaville]

I just read the posts above mine, and I must say that I did not mean to imply that Gwyneth Paltrow needed an ass kicking. I actually like the name Apple. I do have a problem with parents who give their daughters rhyming nicknames, namely, mine.

[baligurl]

Oh, yes, Margaritaville? And what would that nickname be? We won't make fun of you. Honest. (heheheh...)

[MartiniShark]

"Number 16 Bus Shelter" was allowed because it was where the child was conceived, and the father never gave his name following the drunken quickie with a vagrant magical consumation.

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

Not really bad names per se, but I always smile at parents of mixed ethnicity who cram a name from each onto their kid: Pablo Sven Yamaguchi.

[Siouxie]

Martini, imagine all the kids that would be named "Backseat of a Pickup Truck" (Not that I would know anything about that)(It was a Firebird).

[southerngirl]

bali, where i live, 'hebert' (prounounced a-bear) is a very common name

i've never met anyone named 'koala', however...

[PirateBoy]

Siouxie: This one's for you
(And it isn't a Barry Manilow link, honest!)

[Playmate of the Month]

I was almost named after my father, "Donor Anonymous" Jerkins.

[Siouxie]

Wheww! Thanks ;-)

Nice view too.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Martini, that would also be a great name:

Drunken Quickie With a Vagrant Jones

[MartiniShark]

How about, "Randy Hobo"? "Homer Les Nooner", "Pan Handler Lothario", "Will Worke Forfude"

[baligurl]

What was the movie Arnold Shwattzehooer was in where his mother named him after his father: Handsome Stranger? Oh yeah.

[oneblankspace]

Still, no name beats the Wide Receiver for the NY Giants: Craphonso Thorpe. who was with the Colts last year. (That's OK, the Colts have Jared Lorenzen now.)

Well, at least he gives you an excuse to yell Crap! and get away with it. Sorta like having a female dog just so you can say bitch.

[Margaritaville]

baligurl, my parents nicknamed my sister and me, "Ruthie" and "Bethie". My name was Bethie, and I was two years younger, so my name really was, "Ruthie, uh, Bethie" for most of my childhood and all through my school years with all the teachers my sister had previously. Although, when I had a new teacher, or met a new person, I had to explain that no, I did NOT have a lisp, my name is NOT Bettie, or Bessie, it is Beth-eee. How freaking hard is that? I basically just spelled my name and pronouced it several times before they asked, everytime I met someone new. Thanks Mom! Thanks Daddy! No I am not bitter.

[Margaritaville]

Oh, and I got called the shortened "Beth" a lot, which I abhor! I don't know why, but I just don't like that name, and no offense meant to anyone called Beth, heh! Love it for you!

[Pony Boy]

Me and my brother Soda Pop don't think them names are weird...

[Punkin]

I went to school with a Summer Saltz and a Sharon Caron.

My daughter works in a Preschool and they had a boy named Joseph Jr., but then they found out that Joseph Sr. was NOT his real Daddy, so she legally renamed him Noah, after the other guy. But - ISIANMTU - SURPRISE! DNA proved Noah was not the Daddy either, so they just stopped calling him anything at all. Really. The teachers called him Smoodgie cuz he was so cute. But as far as we know, still no name.

[Margaritaville]

Okay, that parent does deserve an ass kicking. Pronto. Poor Smoodgie! I'm afraid he might wind up featured on the Dave Barry blog one day.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Punkin, I think I saw them on the Montel Williams show. Or was it Maury?

[Glix]

I've heard of plenty of Nevaehs, but never met one until today (a kid in a store). I guess it takes a while for things to reach east Texas.

Again, poor Smoodgie! Maybe we can send a petition to have him named John, too.

[TomM]

YEAH DETROIT!!!!!!!!!

[eilbeback]

Or the creative parents who name their children Charles Charles or John Johnson... Good lord, you get 9 months to decide!

[eilbeback]

...or in the case of me and my ex, fight. (He actually wanted to name the poor lad Preston. I told him that if he came out wearing a blue blazer with an emblem, sure!) Way to get your kid beat up!

[PirateBoy]

I had a friend from the land of few teeth and trucker hats. His cousin was called "Big Un", as in "Lawd, he's a big un!" So when his brother was conceived by a few years later, he was automatically called "Little Un". Which was the only name they called him until he turned 18, and was probably thinking about buying/stealing a shotgun.

[Meanie the Blue]

I am profoundly grateful for my parents' (both German immigrants) tradition-defying choice for my name. Had they gone the old-fashioned way and named me for one of my grandfathers, I'd be either Otto or Adolf.

Sorry, Opas, but you'd understand if you were here.

[Siouxie]

Otto the Blue...hmmm...

nah

[whitebeach]

My best friend made a deal with his wife when she was pregnant with their first (and, as it turned out, only) child. If it was a girl, she could pick the name. A boy, it was his choice. My buddy's only candidate for his son's name was Coatimundi. It's a tropical animal related to the raccoon but with a longer tail and a long, flexible snout. He'd seen it on some nature show and just like the sound. Luckily the kid turned out to be a girl, Amanda.

[Eleanor]

There were 4 brothers from the same family at Berkeley.

There names were:
Princeton
Harvard
Yale
Stanford

And they were all really, really smart.

[Spiny Norman]

I can't believe no one has mentioned Nosmo King!

When I worked for a small-town newspaper, over the years I saw birth anouncements for THREE baby girls christened Aquanet. Yes, the cheap-ass hairspray.

As far as I could tell, only one set of parents actually lived in a trailer park.

[Susan]

Each year at work we record announcements naming and congratulating the seniors from the high schools in the county. I noticed this years crop of seniors had more normal names. Things were really getting out of hand for a while.

Some were very hard to pronounce...

When I was in school there were a few, not well thought out names. Sylvia Sylvia...Kerry Berry...and a Sherry Berry. (The Berry's were not related.)