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June 26, 2008

HEH HEH. OH, WAIT, 'FARTHING

Never mind.

Key Quote Indicating the Ruthlessness Required of a Penny Farthing Operator:

 "I thought, 'Well, there's a car there, and there's a car there, and (a young girl) was in the gap. If I hit the cars, it's going to damage my bike and hurt me.If I hit her, it will be a softer landing for me, and she'd learn something from it. Everyone's a winner!' So, I ran her over."

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

WE FAVOR THE DEATH PENALTY IN THESE CASES

Harassment of Cher.

Alcohol may have been involved.

(Thanks to Mike)

ONCE AGAIN, THIS BLOG CALLS FOR MANDATORY REGISTRATION

...of bananas.

(Thanks to blunt hobo)

IF YOU'RE PLANNING TO TRAVEL BY AIR IN INDIA, YOU MAY WANT TO HAVE A DRINK FIRST

Because you might not be drinking alone.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

FYI

The blog is not receiving email, for some technical reason that we frankly do not understand. Rest assured that we are taking every possible step to have judi fired. Until this crisis has passed, we urge everybody to remain calm.

Update: OK, I think it's fixed. Turns out there was too much RAM in the carburetor.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using Sofa Rash, which would also be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

A MUCH-NEEDED PRODUCT, AND A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Revenge Toilet Paper

Key Quote: Great for offices, colleges, or just when you want to play a prank on a houseguest!

Yes! Hilarious! Until the houseguest, unable to use the toilet paper, notices the guest towels...

YOUR PADUCAH WEATHER REPORT

"Is that a chicken?"

This has been Your Paducah Weather Report.

(Thanks to Jacki)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

Robot snakes.

Advisory:
Turn the sound down before you click, because a loud irritating video starts up.

(Thanks to Chris Lawson) (For the item, we mean. He had nothing to do with the video.) (As far as we know.)

GOOD TO KNOW

According to this scientific item, "a seventeenth-century antidote to idiocy was to rub the forehead with beaver testicles."

June 25, 2008

BUT JUST IN CASE, WE'RE STOCKING UP ON BEER

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WHY SOUTH FLORIDA IS NOT LIKE WHERE YOU LIVE

A whole new concept in mass transit.

YIKES

'X-Men' Frogs

(Thanks to sjhaller)

(We think maybe we blogged this before, but you can't be too careful, with X-Men frogs.)

THIS JUST IN FROM THE PHILIPPINES

The Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) (yes, that is the actual acronym used in the story) has successfully attacked a toilet.

HAR

(Thanks to Esther)

BOFFIN UPDATE

Now they're working on a breast-powered iPod.

This has been your Boffin Update.

(Thanks to DavCat)

Clarification: We just took the extreme step of actually reading the article, and it appears that boffins are not actually working on this problem; it's just this one particular woman writing in Slate who's talking about harnessing her own personal boffins to power her iPod. We apologize for any confusion. We just get carried away whenever we see the word boffins. Boffins boffins boffins. Thank you.

ADVISORY TO THE YOUTH OF JACKSONVILLE

Pull up your pants.

(Thanks to DavCat)

IT WAS A GREAT MARRIAGE WHILE IT LASTED

After having been man and wife for only a few hours, a German bride left her husband to sleep in a field at the side of an autobahn after he passed out drunk.

(Thanks to DavCat)

BRASSIERES: IS THERE ANYTHING THEY CAN'T DO?

Bra to boost voter turnout

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

PSST

Wanna do some rug?

(Thanks to sjhaller)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using bees to attack lunches.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

To the North Pole, Alaska, lawnmower driver who allegedly led Alaska state troopers on "a slow-speed chase that covered several lawns."

(Thanks to sjhaller and Jeff Meyerson and Chuck)

OK, BUT THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO START CARRYING MUCH LARGER IN-FLIGHT SNACKS

Group Wants Pot Allowed in Airport Smoking Lounges

(Thanks to Carl and Amy Drees)

WE'RE ON OUR WAY

German road turns into beer lake

(Thanks to Siouxie)

HE HAS OUR VOTE

A member of the Australian Parliament was ejected when he rose to his feet and pretended to be attacked by a stuffed iguana.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FORE!

Kids golf tourney overlaps with strip club's event

Key Innocent Young Person Question: "'Mom, why is she only wearing underwear?'"

(Thanks to DavCat)

June 24, 2008

HE SHOULD DEFINITELY SUE HIMSELF

Man runs himself over by remote

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT CLEAN WATER, ONLY ONE NAME COMES TO MIND

And it is a name that we will not make fun of.

(Thanks to Cathy Seidenberg)

THIS GUY IS SO GOING TO GET SHOT IN THE THIGH

An Apple store employee refuses to give Kiefer a new iPhone.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: SOUTH KITSAP

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

GIVE IT UP FOR:

Massive Wedgie

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

AND A GRATEFUL NATION FEELS JUST A LITTLE SAFER

Boy George denied U.S. visa

Artboygeorgevisagi

(Thanks to Jay P and jon harris and Hammond Rye)

CONTEST RESULTS

Contest

The winner is Meanie the Blue, who clearly took a lot of drugs felt inspired and sent in a bunch of good ones, including:

Vista 2.0 - it's here!
"Now that I'm invisible, I can go anywhere…"
Darth Vader's high school yearbook picture
"This, or the white gold - what do you think?"
Why settle for canned, when you can have fresh-squeezed with one easy pull?
You've tried Santeria...

Meanie the Blue will win a piece of random crap valuable prize.

Choosing a runner-up was difficult, but I’m going with this one, from JayBee:

Brad worried that chicks might not dig the stubble.

In the event that Meanie the Blue is unable to carry out his duties as winner, JayBee will take over for the duration of Meanie the Blue’s reign.

Here are some other strong entries:

From klezmerphan: "THIS will cover my balding pate, and no one will be any the wiser!"

From Dave Diodato: “This would be so cute with my Speedo. No, wait. Thong!”

From Mars Punkin: "Wow! This DOES make your stool softer and easier to pass!"

From baligurl: "I bet the people looking at this ad can't tell I'm naked..."

From Cat R: “How YOU doin?”

And finally, two from Danny:

"Ohmigod, this is, like, so awesome. I'm gonna ask for overnight shipping on the Butt Spa!"

"Now that he had found a space yarmulke in his size, Max was ready to apply to NASA's astronaut-training program."

There were many other excellent ones, including of course any that you submitted, but judi did not like them. Thanks to all who participated, thereby demonstrating once again that the Internet is the most powerful force ever devised for not doing anything useful.

CREEPING FASCISM IN BOULDER

It's getting so a person can't be left alone in his own home..

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IN THIS BLOG'S OPINION, THE WORK FORCE HAS BEEN ENTIRELY TOO PRODUCTIVE LATELY. SO THAT MEANS...

...It's time for A CAPTION CONTEST!

The photo below is from an ad for a product called the "Head Spa." Feel free to submit captions. At some random point we will select a winner and give that person a valuable prize that judi will discover lying around the office.

3053200

(Thanks to Lorrie)

Prize Update (List of valuable prizes even the cleaning crew won't take out of here from which the winner may choose):

1) A geniune Fiesta Bowl "yard o' beer" (beer not included) once worn by Bob the Bear

2) Two packs of "24" JOLT gum which has not been chewed by anyone

3) A DVD of Barry Manilow's "Music and Passion" PBS special

4) A Mr. Snail Foam Fish Hat perched jauntily atop a "Dave Barry fan" (next to Bob the Bear in the photo above)

5) A book by Dave (we have no idea which one it is) in what is possibly German or some other language

6) Dave's World hat (model not included)

7) A bottle of Wisconsin Rhino beer once used in genuine (albeit unsuccessful) Santeria offering here at your Miami Herald

WHEN YOU GET INTO AN ARGUMENT WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR ABOUT WHETHER HIS DOG IS A PIT BULL OR A LABRADOR RETRIEVER, THERE IS ONLY ONE RATIONAL WAY TO SETTLE IT

A crossbow.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

Update: Here's a version with an excellent mug shot.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that, incredibly, alcohol may have been a factor)

CANADA

Land of Danger

(Thanks to Siouxie)

UPDATE: ROBBERY WITH A DEADLY PALM FROND

We have video.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

Update: Andrew emails:

Um, it looks as if the video was already attached to the news story in the first post.

I will, of course, be fired.

Not to worry, Andrew. That is judi's job.

CSI: ALTON

Inmate falls through ceiling into Texas police office

(Thanks to Chuck and Siouxie)

AT LEAST AS EXCITING AS THE CARP-O-RAMA

The World Nettle-Eating Championships

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using banana-stowaway lizards, which would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Siouxie and sjhaller)

June 23, 2008

HOW RUSSIA BECAME A WORLD ECONOMIC POWER

Productivity.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are not satisfied with mediocrity in any area, including toasters.

PALM FROND UPDATE

The palm frond can also be used for good.

(Thanks to Danny)

DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW

Unless, of course, you can't help yourself.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

PARENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IF THESE ARE RUNNING VISTA, A SINGLE BITE COULD TAKE WEEKS TO DIGEST

Laptop wedding cakes.

(Via Gizmodo)

TODAY'S SCIENCE QUESTION: CAN YOU USE YOUR CELLPHONE TO POP CORN?

The answer is yes, according to some videos going around.

(Thanks to montanarose)

But a physicist says it's a hoax. Which is probably just as well, because otherwise all of our brain cells would explode, right?

NOT TO BELABOR THE POINT, BUT THESE PEOPLE WOULD ALSO FIT RIGHT IN ON THE STREETS OF MIAMI

Visually impaired Canadian stock-car racers

(Which would be a good name for a rock band)

(Thanks to DavCat)

 
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