Dave Barry's Blog

NFL DRAFT UPDATE

ESPN is now in its 17th straight hour of coverage of the NFL draft, which is about to actually start, and everyone is very, very excited because instead of 15 minutes between picks, there will be -- prepare to feel a chill go down your spine -- only 10 minutes between picks. Talk about your high-voltage drama! I'm going to take a nap.

Update: For $24.99, you can buy an Official NFL Draft Hat. And this increasingly classic item is still available.

Update: I frankly don't think ESPN has enough people covering this historic event. There are barely six dozen of them.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using smelly checks.

(Thanks to, um, Athol Dickson)

SUDDENLY, A LOT OF GUYS ARE INTERESTED

...in Net neutrality.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

A WATCH FOR RICH MORONS THE TRULY DISCERNING

It costs $300,000, and it doesn't tell time.

(Thanks to DavCat and Matt Filar)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're attacking our Mexican restaurants using thick clouds of bees in a tornado pattern, which would of course be an excellent name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE HAVE NEVER FELT SO HONORED

Dear Mr.Barry,

Please visit the Low-Flow Toilet Awareness Project (LFTAP) for details regarding National Low-Flow Toilet Blowup Day, this Sunday, 4/27.

We have a low-flow toilet with your name written on it, Dave. The commode will be detonated, just for you.

"At 1pm on Sunday, April 27, over 100 shooters will gather at Boomershoot, an annual guns and explosives event held in North Central Idaho. Shooters will unite in therapeutic self expression, taking their toilet annoyances out of the bathroom and onto the range. They'll shoot at a low-flow toilet filled with reactive targets, creating fiery explosions, reducing the porcelain target into smithereens."

Copyright-free photos + image of the event will be available online (Sun. night). I'll send you a link to the thrilling images.

Warm regards,
Joe Huffman
On behalf of LFTAP + Boomershoot
http://www.boomershoot.org

FASCISM CONTINUES CREEPING

As this blog courageously reported back in January despite the very real threat of winning a major journalism award, lawmakers in Virginia have been trying to take away a man's fundamental human right to put testicles on his trailer hitch. Now this scourge has spread to the Florida legislature, which apparently has run out of other problems to concern itself with.

(Thanks to Bill Procter and Blaire McKee)

YOU THINK WE'RE EXAGGERATING, WITH ALL THESE FLORIDA-DRIVER JOKES

You are wrong.

(Thanks to Danny)

HAR

Girlfriend behind stabbing

(Thanks to Danny)

THE CELLIST HITS A WRONG NOTE, AND MILLISECONDS LATER HIS HEAD IS VAPORIZED BY A LASER

Robot to Conduct Detroit Symphony Orchestra

(Thanks to sjhaller)

THIS COULD EXPLAIN DAVID HASSELHOFF

(Thanks to sjhaller)

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

Cambridgeshire is under assault by a pack of mutant testosterone-fueled Russian black squirrels, which of course would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Matt Filar, Michelle Lancaster [formerly Michelle in Houston, now married to Steve "The Other Steve" Lancaster] and Amanda Austin)

NO NEED TO SEND THIS MOTORIST A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

She already has one.

Key Quote: "I said, 'Ma'am, you can't leave, your truck is in my pool.'"

(Thanks to Amanda Austin)

SOON THEY WILL ALL HAVE DRIVER'S LICENSES

15 monkeys loose in Florida after escape

(Sent in by many people)

APRIL 27 IS COMING

You know what to do.

(Thanks to Stephanie Sailor, who says: "I'll be sure to send you a piece of the toilet artifacts -- kind of like how people scrambled to get their hands on a Communist brick, after the fall of the Berlin Wall.")

IF THIS DOESN'T WORK, THEY WILL BE ISSUED SILLY STRING

Border agents use paintball guns to fend off attackers

(Thanks to DavCat)

FRANCHISE RESTAURANT UPDATE

Chick-Fil-A Heir Arrested in Bathroom of Waffle House

(Thanks to DavCat)

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FOR MEN FROM THE PHUKET GAZETTE

Don't marry a python.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WELL, DUH

(Thanks to Amanda Austin)

THOSE TERRORIST, ALFRED-HITCHCOCK-WATCHING BASTARDS

Now they're using seagulls.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

CRICKET UPDATE

In this fascinating story, we learn that:
-- Cricket has cheerleaders;
-- Some of them are from Uzbekistan;
-- One of the Uzbekistani ones is named "Tabitha";
-- They have, quote, "bulging breasts and gyrating bellies";
-- This is highly controversial in India.
(Thanks to David Elwart)

WE'RE SURE IT'S PERFECTLY INNOCENT

A Miami-Dade prosecutor objects to a license plate.

(Thanks to Jollymon)

WHY THIS BLOG BELIEVES THERE SHOULD BE A FIVE-DAY 'COOLING-OFF' PERIOD BEFORE A PERSON IS ALLOWED TO PURCHASE A CARROT

(Thanks to queensbee)

UM, ACTUALLY, NO

Key Quote: "THIS MOUNT IS SEAMLESS AND LOOKS NATURAL."

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

HE WAS JUST TRYING TO GET TO FLORIDA

Driver follows sat-nav into river

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jeff Renner)

WELL, DUH

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

ATTENTION ALL HOLYHEAD UNITS

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to sjhaller and Cheryl Howard)

WHAT WE LIKE ABOUT COLLEGE LIFE

The diversity.

(Thanks to Amanda Austin)

WHOOPS

The Office of Government Commerce, a British government agency, somehow failed to notice what this logo would look like

if it was rotated 90 degrees.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

KOREAN PERSONAL-HYGIENE TV COMMERCIAL OF THE DAY SO FAR

Jet Toilet From Hell

(Thanks to CJrun)

ATTENTION, FLORIDA MOTORISTS

Take your spoons.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Amanda Austin)

WE'RE GUESSING HE'S SINGLE

Whatever you do, do NOT click here.

Really. This is not safe for work, or anywhere else.

(Thanks to Chaz Schlueter)

p.s. Really.

BUT THEIR AGENTS SAY THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS

Christina Ricci groped by chimpanzee on set of Speed Racer

(Thanks to Amanda Austin)

SUDDENLY, GUYS IN PENNAL (NEAR MACHYNLLETH, CLOSE TO THE POWYS-GWYNEDD BORDER)

..are going to church.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

Church News Update, thanks to Amanda Austin

FLORIDA MOTORISTS

They're tough.

(Thanks to Michael Funicelli)

OMG URGENT BREAKING LITERARY BULLETIN

(Thanks to sjhaller)

WE KNOW THIS HAS BEEN BLOGGED BEFORE

But it's apparently a totally new panic.

Key Quote: Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

(Thanks to Amber Harmon, Michael Ritchie, Onterrible, and probably many more)

Unfounded Hysteria Update, thanks to Danny

FASCISTS!

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

Leftovers!

(Via Gizmodo)

IT'S A HEDGEHOG-NEWS UPDATE, AND A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Hedgehog-Kicking Teenager

STILL MORE ON THE GEEK PANTS CRAZE

But these may help prevent cancer!

(Sent in by pretty much everyone else)

PARENTS OF LITTLE GIRLS:

Watch this.

(Thanks to Sarah J)

SUDDENLY, GUYS EVERYWHERE TAKE AN INTEREST IN CANCER PREVENTION

This was sent in by pretty much everyone.

AS IF THE ACCIDENT WASN'T EMBARRASSING ENOUGH

...this unfortunate motorist wound up in Athol Memorial Hospital.

(Thanks to Info)

THE THING IS, HOWEVER YOU MAKE IT, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE GREAT

Row over shepherd's pie ends in court

(Thanks to CJrun)

POSSIBLY THE GREATEST SPORTS HEADLINE EVER

Three synchronized swimmers rescued from pool

(Thanks to the Perts)

TAKE YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO TYPE ON HIS CROTCH?

Keyboard Pants

(Via Gizmodo)

YOUR DAILY HEDGEHOG NEWS UPDATE

Hedgehog goes on Atkins diet

This has been your Daily Hedgehog News Update.

SCIENCE UPDATE

Cultural differences found in pee

(Thanks to DavCat)