Dave Barry's Blog

THIS IS A TEST

Pay no attention to this post.

ATTENTION, ALANIS MORISSETTE

This is ironic.

(Thanks to Willie Rainier)

JOURNALISM TIP FOR TODAY

To attract readers to a story, use an attention-getting headline.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

CSI: SCRANTON

(Thanks to Danny)

TIME FOR AN AIR STRIKE

Workers are slowly dismantling a home in an effort to remove a cat.

(Thanks to to Siouxie)

GOOD NEWS FOR ALCOHOLIC RATS

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

CELLMATE FROM HELL

A Mexican town has jailed a bull.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Madonna wants to remake Casablanca.

Key Suggested Script Improvements:

Of all the Kabbalah meetings in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Here's looking at you, kid. Now who do we have to pay to adopt him?

We'll always have Basra... I think this is the beginning of a beautiful fitness regime...

I stick my neck out for nobody - just in case they see the wrinkles.

It doesn't take much to see that Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction arsenal didn't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

 

HASN'T HE SUFFERED ENOUGH?

A man is sentenced to jail for asking women to kick him in the groin.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

IN OTHER IMPLANT NEWS

Whoops.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Jeff Meyerson and DavCat and sjhaller)

WE HAVE OUR DOUBTS

...a surgeon has devised a new way of adding up to 5cm to a person's height by inserting a silicone head implant.

Hasn't this been tried already?

(Thanks to DavCat)

ATTENTION, NEW YORK STATE

We have found your next governor.

(Thanks to Chris Lawson)

ENGLAND: RUNNING OUT OF NEWS?

Apparently.

Key Byline: Virginia Squealer

(Thanks to sjhaller)

DINING OUT IN SOUTH KITSAP

The dress code is strictly enforced.

(Thanks to MissV and Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO AIR TRAVELERS USING HEATHROW AIRPORT

You might want to consider an alternative, such as shooting yourself.

(Thanks to DavCat)

A BURNING PASSION

Key quote: "I asked him what the movement was about, and he said for what he believes in," he said. "I asked him what he believes in, and he said Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and Toby Keith."

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHO SAYS GUYS ARE INCAPABLE OF HAVING RELATIONSHIPS?

Man Caught Having Sex with a Picnic Table

(Thanks to DavCat)

IN OUR YOUNGER DAYS, THIS WAS HOW WE KNEW IT HAD BEEN A GOOD PARTY

Man Wakes Up Inside Garbage Truck

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that, incredibly, alcohol appears to have been involved)

A LOAD OFF THIS BLOG'S MIND

The Large Hadron Collider will not destroy the planet. At least not according to experts.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard, who says, "Waiter, make mine a double.")

WHO SAYS THE PEOPLE HAVE NO POWER?

Because of the nipple-ring outcry, the TSA has revised its body-piercing policy.

(Thanks to Jim J)

WE CAN SEE LEAVING AN UMBRELLA IN A BUS SHELTER

But... this?

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IF EVER A CITY DESERVED A COLONOSCOPY CERTIFICATE

...that city is Edmonton.

(Thanks to Keli Minick)

AN ALMOST FOOLPROOF PLAN

But she can kiss good-bye her hopes of being Mom of the Year.

(Thanks to jon harris, whose fault it is if this has already been blogged. Right?)

SAFE AND RESTFUL

Sleep, sleep...ACK!

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

WE DON'T KNOW...

But we are willing to give it a shot.

(Thanks to Doc Rick)

SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR OF THE YEAR SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

STUNNING WOMBAT RAPE UPDATE

It turns out that the guy who claims he was raped by a wombat is... dating Eliot Spitzer!

But seriously, you will be stunned to learn that he is unable to substantiate his claim.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

COFFEE

Nothing is more important.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

WE HAVE THIS TEAM IN OUR FINAL FOUR

The Kyrgyzstan Headless Sheep Wranglers

(Thanks to sjhaller)

GLASSES NOT GEEKY, RESEARCH FINDS

Oh, really? Try telling that to this guy:

(Thanks to Doc Rick)

EASTER ISLANDERS

Don't mess with them.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS

(Thanks to Lisa Gibson and DavCat)

McRAGE

Key Quote, With Surprising Part In Bolfdace: "The suspect driving the Stratus got out of the vehicle and accosted the driver of the white Blazer, threatening him, using bad language and hitting him with McDonald's food,” Mark Dalpiaz with Boise Police said. “Apparently the suspect was under the influence of an alcoholic beverage." 

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

YOU'RE NOT SAFE ANYWHERE

Anywhere.

(Thanks to sjhaller and Justin Barber and Baron vonKlyff and of course Siouxie)

MORE FASCISM

Now they want to take away our precious nipple rings.

(Thanks to sjhaller and of course Siouxie and -- Surprise! -- DavCat. Also Cheryl Howard.)

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they want to take away the fundamental American right to write checks on toilet paper.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff, Keli Minick, Jeff Meyerson and of course Siouxie and also of course DavCat)

THEY HAVE OUR VOTE

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

BUSTED

Whoa, that narrows it down.

(Thanks to scmommy)

BALLET

It's bigger than ever.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

VIDEO UPDATE, thanks to commenter Cat R.

FLORIDA SERVICE-INDUSTRY WORKER OF THE DAY SO FAR

Cabbie Bites Woman Over Fare

(Thanks to Katie Silverthome, who says, "I don't think we should show this story to Aunt Shelly.")

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Totally Understandable Canadian Birthday Stabbing Of The Day So Far

Barrie police Sgt. Dan Mafturack said the man asked the woman what she wanted for dinner by saying, "Do you want ham, potatoes and vegetables, or potatoes, vegetables and ham?"

The query apparently upset the woman, who then allegedly grabbed the knife and stabbed her spouse in the chest.

(Thanks to Onterrible)

ATTENTION, MEN WISHING TO SCORE WITH THE LADIES

Take a tip from male river dolphins: Wave your flotsam.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

TO BE EATEN ONLY IN THE CARDIAC UNIT, WITH SURGEONS HOVERING NEARBY, SCALPELS POISED

The Doughnut Burger

(Thanks to Josh)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS

They are everywhere.

(Thanks to Barb Goldstein, sjhaller, Chuck, Heather and we think some other people whose emails we deleted by mistake, sorry.)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this alert motorist.

Key Quote: "At first I didn't think anything was wrong. It was quiet. Then I saw cars coming towards me. It was quite scary and I didn't know what to do."

Gee, that's a tough one. Maybe... STOP DRIVING THE WRONG DIRECTION?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS COULD ALSO INVOLVE A DISGUISED WOMBAT

Awareness Test

(Thanks to diverdowndoc)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Space Junk of Doom

(Thanks to Siouxie)

HE WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

Police on trail of 'fat bandit'

Key Police Quote: "We just think he is fat."

(Thanks to The Perts)

UPDATE ON THE OKLAHOMA MAN WHO ALLEGEDLY DARN NEAR TORE OFF THE SCROTUM OF A MAN WEARING A UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS SHIRT IN -- NEEDLESS TO SAY -- A BAR

According to this story, the alleged assailant is a federal auditor AND a church deacon.

(Thanks to DavCat)

CANADIAN UPDATE

Let's just hope they never have a real disaster.

(Thanks to DavCat)

IT MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN A WOMBAT IN DISGUISE

Convicted Mobster Claims He Was A Victim Of Bigfoot

(Thanks to DavCat)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Yak Cheese

(Thanks to RussellMc, who claims he saw Yak Cheese open for Hot Tuna)

A PROBLEM WE ALL NEED TO BE MORE AWARE OF

Wombat rape.

Key Quote: "I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out,'' Cradock told the operator at the communications centre, who had no idea what he was talking about, Mr Stringer said.

(Thanks to Keli Minick and sjhaller and DavCat)

NEWTS

The law is on their side.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Baron vonKlyff and Siouxie)

THEREBY PROVING THAT THEY'RE SMARTER THAN MANY FISHERMEN

It may be possible to train fish to catch themselves.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

YOU CAN'T BEAT IT FOR GETTING STARTED IN THE MORNING

Corn snake surprise.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WHOOPS

Prosecutors say a video shows a Connecticut correction officer running a 40-yard-dash in women's clothing and high heels — at a time he had claimed he was too injured to work.

But he had a totally legitimate excuse:

He's accused of taking part in a radio station's contest for Hannah Montana concert tickets last year. Not only did he have to dress in drag but he had to carry an egg on a spoon.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

PROVO CRACKS DOWN

It's time somebody stopped these cloak-wearing singers, with their singing, cloak-wearing ways.

(Thanks to kbrews)

A PLEA FROM SEATTLE

Dear Dave,

I am from Seattle, WA, and am getting married in November.  My fiancee is from St. Petersburg, FL, and we are getting hitched in Sarasota.  Yesterday, for Easter dinner, my dad's family came over.  I was talking with my Aunt Shelly, and asked her if she is coming to the wedding.  She said (and I am not joking) "I don't want to go to Florida because Dave Barry makes fun of it so much."  I asked her if she would make it if Dave Barry wrote a column or blog about how great Florida is.  She said she would.
 
So give me a hand.  I am a big fan, after all.  I love your books, columns, blogs, and my new Dave Barry joke-a-day square toilet paper.  I love my Aunt Shelly, and I want her at my wedding.  It is a good prompt, too.  A column on how good Florida is.  Should be easy. 
 
Sincerely,
Paul Graves

Dear Paul --

Tell Aunt Shelly she has absolutely nothing to worry about. Sarasota is in a very quiet, safe part of Florida, completely out of rifle range from Miami. It's a wealthy community with basically no crime, except for the occasional arrest for servant-flogging (a misdemeanor). So there should be no problem, as long as you are not so foolish as to hold your wedding during hurricane season (June through the following June).

Best,

Dave

p.s. I invite the blog commenters to add reasons why Aunt Shelly will enjoy Florida.

WHAT THE FAA SHOULD REQUIRE ON EVERY FLIGHT

A rugby team.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WE DIDN'T REALIZE WE HAD IT SO GOOD

...thanks to our 300-mile-per-hour self-driving cars, zipping between our domed cities, where we reside in our self-maintaining homes.

Key Quote:  The average work day is about four hours.

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

THE WESTCHESTER COUNTY, NY, PANTSLESSNESS EPIDEMIC

It is worsening.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOME EXAMPLES OF GUY DO-IT-YOURSELF PROJECTS ARE TOO TASTELESS EVEN FOR THIS BLOG

This is such an example.

(Thanks to Keli Minick and Baron vonKlyff)

IF READING THE BLOG, AND COLUMNS ABOUT COLONOSCOPIES, IS NOT ENOUGH...

...soon you'll be able to find out more about Dave's World - in this case, a mythical place where Dave (albeit a much taller version) drives down to the newspaper office to hand over his column, in a manila envelope, to his editor. Who never, btw, not ever, looked like this.

(Thanks to the all-knowing, all-seeing Bert Franquiz)

DIDN'T ELVIS SING ABOUT THIS?

Suspicious pants point police to massive find

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Mark Carlson, who says, "Same thing with my toddler.")

WHEN EASTER BUNNIES GO BAD

(Thanks to Siouxie)

GUYS

They need their rest.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IN FLORIDA, WE CALL THIS 'PARKING'

Man Accused of Driving Into Post Office

Key Quote Indicating Some Kind of Deep-Seated Consumer Dissatisfaction: Adams said Sparling had damaged a post office previously, and the sheriff said Sparling had a history of damaging postal buildings.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE APOCALYPSE IS DEFINITELY HERE

Miss Bimbo

Here's the website., which features the term "registered Bimbos."

And while we're on this topic, here's a story about Britney Spears.

(Thanks to sjhaller, Jeff Meyerson and Keli Minick)

IF THIS FALLS INTO THE WRONG HANDS, IT COULD BE TURNED INTO A BUNNY THE SIZE OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT

Semi trailer with 20 tons of chocolate stolen from Michigan City

(Thanks to Siouxie)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO WET YOUR PANTS

(Thanks to Meanie the Blue)

WHY WE (HEART) NEW YORK STATE

It's starting to make even Florida look good.

(Thanks to Chuck)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE FRANCE SURRENDERS

The gophers are winning in Canada.

Key Quote Indicating That Some Guys Have a Plan That Is Probably Not Going To Work Out The Way They Expect: Despite a ban on fires in the tinder-dry area of Springbank, just northeast of Calgary's city limits, two men went into a field to kill gophers using a device called a Rodenator, fire officials said on Monday.

(Thanks to Corey Smith and sjhaller and Siouxie and Baron vonKlyff)

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

Federal anti-terrorism agents apprehend a radioactive cat.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Baron vonKlyff)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Stowaway Snake

(Thanks to Keli Minick and Siouxie)

ATTENTON, DINERS LOOKING FOR A BARGAIN MEAL

Try Dubai!

(Thanks to RussellMc and Siouxie)

DEATH

Apparently it's not so bad.

(Thanks to Corey Smith

ATTENTION, MEN

Don't even bother. Ladies, this one's for you.

(Thanks to Ginger in Las Vegas)

What? The Blog is not out of town? And soon there will be a loud and angry firing of a certain stealth bloggerette??

Hmmmm...

Yeah, It's worth it.

DANG! MISSED IT!

If spanking is your thing, consider a trip to Hungary or Slovakia for Easter.

(Thnanks to Annie Where-but-here)

AND AFTER YOU WASH YOUR FEET WITH IT, YOU CAN STILL DRINK IT

21 Amazing Alternate Uses for Vodka

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WOOF

Conan the Praying Chihuahua

(Thanks to Doc Rick and Jeff Meyerson)

MOTORISTS:

Don't dunk and drive.

(Thanks to Jazzz, Angie, DavCat, Meanie the Blue, Philip Snyder, Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie)

MAKES SENSE TO US

India offers firearms permits for vasectomies

(Thanks to Linda Pocatelli)

IT'S TURNING INTO A SACRED PILGRIMAGE

Some of you, if you have no lives whatsoever, may recall that last year this blog visited the San Francisco Exploratorium and encountered a drinking fountain made out of a toilet, which illustrates the fascinating scientific  principle that there is a lot of drug use in San Francisco. Here is a photo from that visit:

Now we have received an email from Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy™ who reports that he recently visited the Exploratorium and viewed this exhibit. Notice that Andy is getting a lot more intimate with the toilet than we did. We just hope he was wearing protection.

LESS IS MORE

Garfield minus Garfield.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Hubby is dug up by badgers

(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)

AT FIRST WE THOUGHT THIS WAS A CHER UPDATE

First sex was 570 million years ago

(Thanks to sjhaller)

SANDUSKY REGION UPDATE

Apparently Clyde is haunted.

(Thanks to Doc Rick)

This has been your Sandusky Region Update.

SHE'S LUCKY IT WASN'T MOZZARELLA

Man attacks wife with profiteroles

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're going after our precious and dwindling supply of mozzarella.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HAPPY EASTER

Here's some rabbit news.

(Speaking of which: Remember the ginormous German rabbit?)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Police bust party in man's pants

(Thanks to DavCat)

RULE NUMBER ONE FOR CRIMINALS WISHING TO AVOID POLICE PURSUIT

Never steal a doughnut van.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and queensbee)

MAYBE IT'S AN ARKANSAS THING

A coin-laundry surveillance camera allegedly captures a man putting Ding Dongs in a dryer.

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who asks, "Who HASN'T" put Ding Dongs in a dryer?")

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using onions.

(Thanks to DCC, Cheryl Howard and Mama723)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED

Man Rides Horse Through Kauai Hospital

Key Quote: "We do have a pet visitation policy, but it does not include a horse."

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

THIS QUALIFIES THEM TO DRIVE AND VOTE IN FLORIDA

(Thanks to RussellMc)

FINAL (WE HOPE) UPDATE ON THE GREAT ILLINOIS CORN FLAKE

The Great Illinois Corn Flake is dating Eliot Spitzer.

No, seriously, it has been sold.

(Thanks to Siouxie and Jeff Meyerson)

SERIOUSLY HOT JAZZ

(Thanks to Matthew Hampton)

A GIANT LEAP FOR WOMANKIND

The revolutionary mirror that lets women see if their bum really does look big

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THIS ABOUT SUMS IT UP

Ex-Homecoming Queen Accused of Beating Sister With Leg In Trailer Sent To Rehab

(Thanks to Bruce Webster)

PARENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Key Quote: ...she hid her car keys in an intimate place...

(Thanks to DavCat)

TOMORROW IS MARCH 22

And you know what that means. (Except in most of Canada.)

(Thanks to BKNY)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Knickers of Death

(Thanks to DavCat and Claire Martin)

WE CAN THINK OF ANOTHER PLACE THEY COULD GO

(Thanks to Keli Minick)

BRITISH HEADLINE WRITER GETS CARRIED AWAY

Key Quote: After drowning the rat herself using a plunger and barricading the toilet to stop other rats which were trying to get out, she phoned Greenwich Council in London only to be told she would have to wait three weeks for them to come and sort out the problem.

(Thanks to Keili Minick and Howard from Broward)

THIS IS JUST CRUEL

(Thanks to Braniff77)

FASCISM CREEPS INTO SPRING BREAK

Now they want to take away ALL the harmless fun.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Bruce Webster)

WE DON'T GET IT

What is this article trying to say?

(Thanks to sthnbelle)

But seriously, ladies: Why can't you just tell us what you're thinking?

DAD OF THE WEEK AND CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY

Two...two...two dolts in one.

(Thanks to Keli Minick and Siouxie)

THE FLORIDA PRIMARY MESS

Here's the solution.

MEN: IF YOU REALLY LOVE HER...

...you'll send her this.

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

OLYMPICS UPDATE

China wants to improve its sign translations to avoid misunderstandings.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

Here's a similar story (thanks to Siouxie).

GIVE IT UP...

...for the Stinkless Space Undies.

(Also thanks to DavCat)

'HAIR GEL SAVED HIS LIFE'

(Thanks to DavCat)

THIS JUST IN

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

UPDATE ON THE WOMAN WHO SPENT TWO YEARS ON HER BOYFRIEND'S TOILET AND EVENTUALLY PHYSICALLY BONDED WITH IT

It turns out that she was dating Eliot Spitzer.

No, seriously, that would be great, but the actual update is that charges have been filed.

(Thanks to Marilyn)

SOMETIMES WE WONDER...

Is there any food, anywhere, that does NOT have some kind of disgusting creature in it?

(Thanks to Siouxie)

EMAIL OF THE DAY SO FAR

We received this email:

Ich wollte mich mal bei dir wieder melden.
Hast du schon mal was von www.erotiksonline24.de geh�rt??
Ich habe mich da mal eintragen lassen f�r 2 Monate kostenlos,
die machen auch die Zeitungswerbung jetzt f�r mich, da spare ich ganz sch�n Geld.
Der Haken hierbei ist nur, das man sich nicht selber eintragen kann.
 
so ich werde jetzt mal wieder Arbeiten,
ich melde mich.
 
Lg. Joycis

This appeared to be German, so we went to Babel Fish to translate it, and this is what we got:

I wanted to again announce myself times to you. You already times which from www.erotiksonline24.de geh?rt?? I had myself there times registered f?r 2 months free of charge, those make also the newspaper advertising now f?r me, there save I completely sch?n money. The hook here is only, which one cannot register oneself. thus I become now times again work, I announce myself. Lg. Joycis

So that clears THAT up. Thank God for these Inter Nets.

CELEBRITY BULLETIN OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to DavCat)

HARD TO ARGUE

"If this comes into production, it will be the ultimate in cult clocks."

(Thanks to DeskDiva)

THE NCAA TOURNAMENT

There is no need to hold it. I just filled out my brackets, and it turns out that North Carolina wins. But congratulations to all the other fine teams that participated in my brackets. Any of them could probably beat the Miami Heat.

PROOF THAT DRUGS ARE NOT ALL THAT HARD TO GET OVER THERE IN RUSSIA

(Thanks to Mark Benz)

EXCELLENT IDEA

Tokyo businesses are using economic incentives to get elderly people to stop driving. We definitely need something like that here in Florida, where roughly every 11 minutes a motorist who has held on to his or her driver's license a few decades too long pilots a Buick into a building.

(Thanks to Chaim Schneider)   

I WAS YOUNG, AND I NEEDED THE MONEY

Actually, this postcard from (I think) the Sixties refers to a different Dave Barry. Thanks to whoever it was who emailed me the link to this on eBay, because I was the winning bidder.

JAPAN

Land of Perverts Mystery

(Thans to haller)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Unsafe Giblets

(Thanks to Jim Dunn)

Key Name of executive of chicken-processing firm: Mark Ham

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Even for them, this is low.

(Thanks to Derek)

BRILLIANT

We're not referring to the dog.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

ADVISORY FOR PEOPLE PLANNING TO GO TO THE OLYMPICS

Use the bathroom before you leave home.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

It has reached Texas.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

A GREAT IDEA, EXCEPT FOR THE FLEAS

A British couple has sweaters made from the hair of their deceased dogs.

(Thanks to Siouxie and B. Kizer)

MEDICAL BULLETIN FROM THE PHILIPPINES

Crucifixion can be bad for your health

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Keli Minick)

WE KNOW WHICH SIDE WE'RE ON

Science vs. Beer

(Thanks to Keli Minick)

URGENT BREAKING UPDATE ON THE GREAT ILLINOIS CORN FLAKE

''Something really dramatic just happened with our corn flake."

(Thanks to mannm)

Please note that Virginia is still available.

ADVISORY TO FANS OF NONG SHIM BRAND SHRIMP CRACKER SNACKS

Switch to Cheez-Its.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO AIR TRAVELERS

Do NOT fall asleep.

(Thanks to sjhaller and Bill)

Warning: This item is disgusting. We posted it with our eyes closed.

LOVERS OF FINE ART:

Get out your checkbooks.

(Thanks to DavCat)

COOOOOOOOOL

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

SHAMELESS STRUMPETING MIDNIGHT NEWSFLASH

The Blog is going to be on the radio in the morning, talking about the Post Hunt, in case anyone's interested.

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING HARDCORE SCIENCE

...you're talking online toe-reading.

Don't miss the celebrity page.

Key Quote: Britney Spears is the best example of how your toes change as your life and emotions change.

(Thanks to jon harris)

Update: Also check out the many fine toe-reading-related products you can purchase in exchange for money.

CSI: KLAMATH

Great Pee Robbery goes awry

(Thanks to writer132)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT THERE ARE NO GREAT PRODUCT CONCEPTS ANY MORE

This blog has to laugh.

(Thanks to Keli Minick)

IMAGINE THE TALENT COMPETITION

Key Quote: "She isn't married yet, this one," he said. "She's still a virgin."

(Thanks to jon harris)

UPDATE ON THE GREAT ILLINOIS CORN FLAKE

The Great Illinois Corn Flake, according to this story on (Surprise!) Ananova, has become a huge celebrity, like Kevin Federline, but with more musical talent. Bidding on eBay is over $200,000. There is a T-shirt being offered for $1,500, as well as a lovely and artistic portrait. Other related items include a spoon and milk. Tragically, Edgar is still dead.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, GUYS WHO ARE HANDY WITH POWER TOOLS

Here's a fun and challenging do-it-yourself project idea.

(Thanks to Bill Moore and Siouxie)

RESIDENTS OF NEW YORK STATE:

We have found your next governor.

(Thanks to Siouxie and DavCat)

FLORIDA EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

WOOF

(Thanks to DavCat)

ATTENTION SPORTS FANS

The 2008 NCAA tournament all-porno-name team

(Thanks to DavCat)

HOW LONG MUST THIS CARNAGE GO ON BEFORE WE REQUIRE THESE WEAPONS TO BE REGISTERED?

Woman hits roommate with frozen pizza.

Key Quote: When the victim went in to apologize and say the food should be OK because it was still frozen, the defendant threw a frozen pizza at her roommate that struck the left side of the victim’s head.

(Thanks to DavCat)

IN OTHER NAKED-GUY NEWS:

A British kids-show host gets a little too educational.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

THERE ARE TIMES WE DO NOT BELIEVE ANANOVA

This is one of those times.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

'HE WAS UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SOMETHING'

A naked man runs amok in West Lampeter Township.

Key Names: West Lampeter, Nicholas Hazdick, Steve Kopfinger.

Correction: Whoops. It's Hadzick.

(Thanks to an Alert Pennsylvania Reader)

BELATED HAPPY ST. PAT'S

Here's a column I wrote some years ago, on my first visit to Ireland:

I recently spent a week in Ireland, and I can honestly say that I have never been to any place in the world where it is so easy to partake of the local culture, by which I mean beer. Ireland also contains history, nice people, enormous quantities of scenery and a rich cultural heritage, including (more on this later) Elvis.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. It consists mostly of scenic pastures occasionally interrupted by quaint towns with names such as (these are actual Irish town names) Ardfert, Ballybunion, Coole, Culleybackey, Dingle, Dripsey, Emmoo, Feakle, Fishguard, Gweedore, Inch, Knockaderry, Lack, Leap, Lusk, Maam, Meentullynagarn, Muff, Newmarket-on-Fergus, Nutt's Corner, Oola, Pontoon, Rear Cross, Ringaskiddy, Screeb, Sneem, Spiddle, Spink, Stradbally, Tang and Tempo.

These towns are connected by a modern, state-of-the-art system of medieval roads about the width of a standard bar of hotel soap; the result is that motorists drive as fast as possible in hopes of getting to their destinations before they meet anybody coming the other way. The only thing that prevents everybody from going 120 miles per hour is the nationwide system -- probably operated by the Ministry of Traffic Safety -- of tractors being driven very slowly by old men wearing caps; you encounter these roughly every two miles, rain or shine, day or night. As an additional safety measure, the roads are also frequented by herds of cows, strolling along and mooing appreciatively at the countryside, reminding you very much of tour groups.

A typical Irish town consists of several buildings, one of which is always a bar, called a "pub." Next to this there will typically be another pub, which is adjacent to several more pubs. Your larger towns may also have a place that sells food, but this is not critical.

Inside the pubs you will usually find Irish people, who are very friendly to strangers, especially compared to the British, who as a rule will not voluntarily speak to you until you have lived in Britain for a minimum of 850 years. The Irish, on the other hand, will quickly start a conversation with you, and cheerfully carry it on at great length, with or without your help. One evening in a busy Dublin pub I watched an elderly, well-dressed, cap-wearing gentleman as he sat in the corner and, for two solid hours, struck up a lively conversation with every single person or group who sat within 10 yards of him, including a group of German tourists, only one of whom spoke even a little English. The man spoke to them in a thick brogue on a variety of topics for several minutes while they looked at him with the bright, polite smiles of people who do not have a clue what is being said to them. When he finished, they conferred briefly in German, and then the one who spoke a little English said, quote, "Everyone is pleased that he or she is welcome."

You definitely feel welcome in Ireland. But there's more to do there than just talk to Irish people in pubs. You can also drive around the countryside, alternately remarking "Look, sheep!" and "Here's another tractor!" You can visit a bunch of old castles built by the Normans, who at one point conquered Ireland despite being called the "Normans, " which is, let's face it, not an impressive-sounding name. It's kind of like being conquered by the "Freds."

Probably the best-known castle is the one in the town of Blarney, which contains the famous Blarney Stone. To get to it, you have to climb steep, narrow, tourist-infested steps to the top of the castle; there, a local man holds you as you lean out over the castle wall and kiss the Blarney Stone. Legend has it that if you do this, you will give the man a tip. Also at a castle in a town called Kilkenny I saw a local radio station doing a live remote broadcast, featuring a Frozen Food Challenge in which a local resident had to answer a multiple-choice question on the history of refrigeration. She got it right, and won a hamper of frozen foods.

"Brilliant!" she said.

But in my opinion the cultural highlight of the trip occurred in the town of Ennis, where a pub called Brandon's had a sign outside that said "Traditional Irish Music." This turned out to be a traditional Irish Elvis impersonator. I realize that there are literally thousands of quality Elvis impersonators, and I'm sure you've seen some excellent ones, but I am here to tell you that this one, in this unremarkable town in western Ireland, was beyond question the worst Elvis impersonator in world history. He sang along to a tape of instrumental Elvis tunes, which he played on a sound system that he never, not once in two solid hours, got adjusted right. Every time he'd start singing a song, the sound system would screech and honk with feedback; Elvis would then whirl around and spend minutes at a time unsuccessfully adjusting various knobs while he mumbled the lyrics, so that for most of the evening all you saw was Elvis' butt, accompanied by screeching and honking and vague off-key singing. Often, by the time he'd finished twiddling the knobs, Elvis had lost track of what song he was singing; he'd frown into the distance, trying various tunes until he thought he was on the right track, at which point inevitably the screeching and honking would start up, forcing Elvis to whirl back around, like a man being attacked by bees, and treat the audience to another lengthy view of his butt. The crowd, which I will frankly admit was consuming alcoholic beverages, enjoyed this performance immensely, cheering wildly at the end of each song. They like their fun, the Irish. I'm definitely going back some day. Maybe I'll rent a tractor.

GUYS

They've been guys for a long time.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy and justin)

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA...

...right up until the time we have to smash it with a bat.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

RESIDENTS OF GLOUCESTER, MASS.

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

THE AMAZING ANIMAL KINGDOM

Walrus gets down, funky.

(Thanks to CJrun, who asks, "Has Walter seen this?")

THIS IS UTTERLY RIDIC... OOH, LOOK!

Male drivers easily distracted

(Thanks to DavCat)

BREAKING EBAY UPDATE

In the tragic event that you are outbid on the butt potato, you can go for The Great Illinois Corn Flake.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TRAVEL ADVISORY

Here's a helpful article on 10 ways to get kicked off a plane.

Key Lyrics That You Should Not Attempt To Sing On EasyJet Flights:

Niall Quinn’s disco pants are the best
They go up from his arse to his chest
They’re better than Adam and the Ants
Niall Quinn’s disco pants.

(Thanks to DavCat and Layzeeboy)

HEY, WHATEVER WORKS

Wang using spring to experiment

(Thanks to DavCat)

ATTENTION CALIFORNIA MOTORISTS

Do NOT open your window.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DEFENDANT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Key Quote: Pinney also asked to be permitted to wear a cape at trial and to have a number of items, such as a cane.

(Thanks to DavCat)

MOST MISLEADING MEDICAL HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

I got new brain in kidney swap

(Thanks to Richard the Weasel-Hearted)

ATTENTION PENNSYLVANIA MOTORISTS

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy and DavCat)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Sex Toads

(Thanks to sjhaller)

GOOD TO SEE HE FOUND A NEW CAREER

(Thanks to Jeff Matthews)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

(Thanks to Clarissa French)

ATTENTION, EBAY SHOPPERS

Here's a gift that's elegant, yet practical.

(Thanks to Bob Devine)

HOW WE CAN BALANCE THE FEDERAL BUDGET

It's easy: We impose a one-billion-dollar tax surcharge on people who buy this. Because obviously they have WAY too much money.

(Thanks to J. Stevens)

SHHHH! DON'T TELL THE BLOG!

Is this the most wondrous home-decor item ever? It's hard to decide who should be the lucky recipient, but we are thinking no one needs it more than The Blog.¹

¹Except that he already has a clock.

THAT WILL TEACH THEM TO PLAY 'STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN'

(Thanks to Q)

BOAT SHOPPERS:

Try before you buy.

(Yes, it's old. But not to us.)

(Thanks to CJrun)

NOW WE CAN'T GET RID OF THE MENTAL IMAGE OF GOOFY IN A THONG

Disney Exploring Possibility Of Adult-Oriented Theme Park

(Thanks to DavCat)

VODKA, TEXAS-STYLE

It has a bite.

Key Quote: Popplewell received widespread attention last year when Texas wildlife officials decided to tighten regulations for the collection of turtles. He is believed to be largest buyer of turtles in the state.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHY THE PERUVIAN CONGRESS IS SUPERIOR TO OURS

At least they admit they're on drugs.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

MORALITY UPDATE

The Dutch crack down.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE WE LOVE GUYS

They're not picky.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

MAYBE THEY HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF SINGLE MALE MICE

(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)

YOUR HONOR, MAY I APPROACH THE BENCH?

No.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WE BLAME GLOBAL WARMING

Now they've gone and miniaturized the Wienermobile.

I'm sorry, but that thing just is not practical for everyday errands, such as picking your child up at middle school.