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February 26, 2008

AT LEAST IT WAS HIS LEG

Parrot eats false leg

(Thanks to DavCat)

THIS WILL ONLY MAKE THEM ANGRIER

German police dogs have to wear shoes.

Capt7c0081c4a30763d9902554b88143af

(Thanks to many people)

February 25, 2008

OSCARS RECAP

We missed them. But we bet they were not as entertaining as this.

WARNING: Bleeped, but still probably not safe for work.

(Thanks to Leetie)

PUBLIC SERVICE PRANK OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to DavCat)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS...

...no, wait, she already has one.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

HIGH SCHOOL

Sometimes it's hard to fit in.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

'I WAS STUPID'

Gee, you think?

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

VALENTINE'S DAY

It's over.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this motorist.

(Thanks to John Grant)

SPONGEBOB

He's everywhere.

(Product page)

(Thanks to Jaime and DavCat and Jim Gilboy)

ACADEMIC RESEARCHER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Siouxie)

TROUBLED BY THE U.S. PRESIDENTIAL RACE?

It could be worse.

(Thanks to Steve Hooley)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using mice.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

OK, ONE MORE COLONOSCOPY POST

It's a couple of years old. But still.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

VALUABLE ADVICE FROM 1943

How to Hire a Woman

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says "I would like to go on record as stating that I do not agree with any of this.")

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using tortoises.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

ADVISORY

Our email system at the Miami Herald does not appear to be working today. We have no idea why. It could be lizards in the system. South Florida has these little lizards that show up everywhere. You wake up in the morning and open your eyes, and the first thing you'll see is a lizard, standing upside-down on the ceiling, looking at you with one of its little lizard eyes with an expression that says, "While you were sleeping, I could easily have pooped in your mouth HAHAHAHAHAHA." So it would not surprise us in the least if they got into the email system. Anyway, please be patient with us while we wait for somebody other than us to do something about this problem. Rest assured that your email is very, very important to us. We miss your email desperately. It is only a matter of time before we turn to heroin.

GOOD NEWS FROM FIJI

The toilet-paper crisis is over.

Key Quote:
...the public works department confirmed on Friday they had received additional funds to rectify the problem.

UPDATE FROM THE CHENNAI TRADE FAIR

Four saw-scaled vipers and one rat snake were captured, thanks to the fine work of the Irula Snake Catchers Co-operative Society.

This has been your update from the Chennai Trade Fair.

HUZZAH (FOR THE LADIES)

No matter how we explain it, The Blog has never understood the attraction of the Renaissance Festival.

Muddy2

¹ For those who want to download another of the s.b.'s stupid flipvideos cinematographical marvels, here's the same photo as the above, with movement.

February 23, 2008

WOMEN: INSANE? OR CRAZY?

We report; you decide.

Key Quote: Unsurprisingly, fashonistas are jostling to buy a pair.

003shoesdm_468x320

(Thanks to Siouxie)

UPDATE ON THE REMOVAL OF THE SWEDEN COAT-OF-ARMS LION PENIS

The heraldists want it back.

Key Name:
Henrik Klackenberg

(Thanks to sjhaller)

WE SAW THIS BAND IN THE SIXTIES

The Electric Grandmother

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT JACK BAUER IS UP TO LATELY

He's is in Baltimore.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and DavCat)

WHITE PEOPLE

...explained.

(Thanks to Alison MacQuade)

WE KNOW WE SHOULD NOT BE AMUSED BY THIS STORY, BUT...

...check out the name of the school.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Bruinhilda)

GET YOUR BUTT OVER TO COOPERSVILLE, MI.

Today.

(Thanks to BKNY)

WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO DO IN SPACE

First it was fish. Now it's boxer shorts.

(Thanks to DavCat)

MR. SNAIL'S NEXT BIG IDEA

Don't pay PLAYERS, pay FANS.

(Thanks to Evan, who told the s.b. about it in a blogger meeting)

February 22, 2008

HUMOR...

...in the news

Mobius_strip_2

(Thanks to Pirateboy)

COULD SOMEONE PLEASE PASS THE JELLY?

(Thanks to Scott MGS)

SPECIAL DELIVERY

To the Blog

Trying a new thing thanks to the fabulous Albert Franquiz (as long as it works)

HORSE RACE OF THE YEAR SO FAR

Do NOT miss the video.

(Also thanks to DavCat)

ATTENTION ALL NOTTINGHAM UNITS

Be on the lookunder lookout.

(Thanks to DavCat)

ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO DIE FROM LEG SCRATCHES

Cat owners less likely to die from heart attacks, study shows

(Thanks to John Regan)

BRITAIN CLAMPS DOWN ON PARKING VIOLATIONS

Being dead is no excuse.

(Thanks to DavCat)

HEY, OLD PEOPLE

Want to feel even older?

(Thanks to Steve [the Other Steve] Lancaster)

THE VIRGIN PRETZEL

I realize I'm late with this, but since pretty much all of you sent it in: Here.

GOOD LUCK

If this thing actually flies over Miami, it will be shot down in minutes.

(Thanks to quesadarto)

UPDATE ON THE QUEASY-FISH-IN-SPACE EXPERIMENT

They went up, and they came down.

Key Quote from a Scientist Who Has Clearly Been Sniffing Glue:
"They were very happy, I think they want to have another flight."

(Thanks to Billy No-Last-Name)

CSI: CANADA

The suspect was running, out of breath, and was in the process of discarding some of his clothing, said police.

"Those are abnormal signs , especially to a cop," said Staff-Sgt. Glenn Wasson of Central Division.

(Thanks to philintexas)

SOME COLONOSCOPY MAIL

I don’t plan to turn this into the Colonoscopalooza Blog, but I’ve received a lot of email in response to my column, and I wanted to post some here. I’ll start with a serious one:

Dave,

My wife was 49 when she had rectal bleeding and was subsequently diagonosed with colon cancer. She fought for 9 years and finally succumed. What she did for our kids was this: My son (eldest) got at colonoscopy at 25 because doctors figured that it (colon cancer) was passed genetically.

In his first colonoscopy at age 25 polyps were found and removed. The doctor told my wife that we (the doctor and my wife) probably saved his life by checking him so young. All my kids have been  getting colonoscopys since they were 25 and will continue as long as they live.

My prayers are with your brother and thank you for joining the fight. God bless you.

Mike

I also got quite a few less-serious emails. Here are a couple:

I too waited until 60 to do the deed. It happened just as you stated in your column, except the song playing in the O/R was "Should I Stay or Should I Go", I kid you not. The people in the Keys have a strange sense of humor.

Pam Kenyon

Ramrod Key

(That’s correct: “Ramrod Key”)

...then the doctor came in and told my wife everything was fine, but if you take him out for lunch, make sure to go someplace that has a loud band.

Ralph Saxe

Pembroke Pines, FL

What Ralph is referring to here is the fact that, during the colonoscopy, they pump some air into your colon, so they can manipulate the tube in there. When it’s done, this air has to come back out, so the recovery room is a flatulence festival, with all these woozy patients emitting random blasts. There’s a lot more on this in the comments section of the post below.

Finally, Jimmy Madigan sent a link to this somewhat-related photo, which I'm sure has not been tampered with in any way.

UPDATE: Here's a link to the column I wrote five years ago when I crawled through the Colossal Colon, and signed a pledge saying I would get screened, which I then failed to do, because I am a weenie.

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE INSIDE, OR OUTSIDE, OF SOUTH FLORIDA

Flee.

February 21, 2008

NEW COLUMN

Here's a column about an important yet unpleasant, even disgusting, topic. No, it's not the presidential campaign.

CHEESY CERTIFICATE (designed by the marvelous Ed Fiol) UPDATE from the s.b.:

Coloncertificatecompressed

STRUMPDATE

Note the first item

UPDATE UPDATE URGENT UPDATE: The segment has been cancelled. We are sorry for any inconvenience.

FLOWBEE CONTEST RESULTS

This was not easy. There were so many fine entries that I had to consult with a panel of distinguished judges consisting of judi, Mrs. Blog, and Mr. Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post. Absolutely nobody agreed on anything. So I have decided that there will be three first prizes, presented below in chronological order.

Flowbee_guy

WINNERS:

-- Just press the yellow button for the Man-on-Tap. -- Cat R., at 5:01 p.m.

-- Moments later, Oliver realized he didn't know the first thing about penis-enlargement equipment -- Lou Bricant, 7:38 p.m.

-- Apart from an oddly placed anus, the Alpha Centaurians looked exactly like humans. -- Tony Field, 7:48 p.m.

Congratulations to the winners. Please email judi at the blog with the subject WINNER, and she and you can work out some hideously complex way of choosing and sending the valuable prizes.

As for the rest of you blog folk: many thanks for participating. There were many strong entries, including of course yours, which should have won, and would have won, except that Gene Weingarten detests you personally. Here, in no particular order, are some of the entries I'd like to single out for Honorable Mention:

Jack remained calm, but even the Flowbee couldn't release the squirrel's grip on his head -- Steve (The 24 Guy)

Estimated download time remaining: 45 seconds -- Meanie the Blue

Take one step closer and the honky gets it! -- Dad-O-Lot

When his mother walked in on him using the vacuum cleaner, Randal had to think fast. -- Tony Field

Watch as his love for Barry Manilow increases. -- Alfred

Cuts and styles hair in one easy step, leaving more time for your cousin! -- James Tokarz

Tired of yarmulkes that just won't stay put?
You've tried bobbie pins, hair clips, even staples...
But now with the Permulke®, you'll never go bareheaded again! --
Lairbo

...and after the break... the Brazilian attachment. -- WayneHere

What Happens in shop Class, Stays in Shop class -- Alfred

Alright, Mr. Cruise. What next?? -- Meanie the Blue

Again, thanks to everybody who participated. I feel that, working together, we wasted a huge amount of time. And that is what the Internet is for.

UPDATE ON THE CAPTION CONTEST

Thank you all for participating. Your entries were scary excellent. We will announce the winner later today, after we see our therapist.

UPDATE ON GODZILLA, THE MISSING FINDLAY, OHIO, IGUANA

He is still missing.

This has been your Update on Godzilla, the Missing Findlay, Ohio, Iguana.

(Thanks to Rob Johnson)

SCIENCE BULLETIN

The French have developed a self-healing rubber band made with... urine!

(Also thanks to Siouxie)

 
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