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February 21, 2008

NEW COLUMN

Here's a column about an important yet unpleasant, even disgusting, topic. No, it's not the presidential campaign.

CHEESY CERTIFICATE (designed by the marvelous Ed Fiol) UPDATE from the s.b.:

Coloncertificatecompressed

Comments

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Butt where has that thumb been?

Two thumbs up (so to speak) for the certificate and the column.

Ironic that his most recent protagonist never wanted to grow up.

his = Dave's (obviously)

Did he fart in his general anesthesia?

Merri Lee, maybe you could wear running shorts with the same back panel as yesterday's skirt. Thanks for putting your a$$ on the line for us old f@rts.

Been there. Done that. It blows. Glad everything came out alright, Dave.

I will keep sam in my prayers.

My OB does the rectal check every year. YUCK. But he has caught several cases of cancer.

Dave, glad you made out out of the Anal Zone all clean and spiffy. Good for Sam for being a grown-up, too, and best wishes for his recovery.

I am not yet 50, but did undergo a sigmoidoscopy years ago, which required me to be on knees and elbows, hunched down with my @ss in the air, whilst my PCP joyously opened a box of equipment emblazoned with a sticker that said, "I brake for assoles!" Good times. I told him I'd never play leapfrog with him.

Suz, any pics of that one?? LOL

All this well-timed blogster butt humor. Reminds me of when the lab tech for my mammogram said, "Now, whatever you do, don't move."
Where the heck was I gonna go, out for tea?

*snork* @ Suzy Q !
That's the second reference I've seen about the "knees and elbows" position for a sigmoidoscopy. I guess I was *lucky* to be able to lay on my side !

LTTG, butt great column. I'm still a few years short of adding a seatbelt to the commode. Perhaps the Fark folks will photoshop a variety of certificates to accompany the annual re-publication of this column.

Ahem. No, Siouxie, but if there were, I'm sure you'd be happy to post them. :P

TCdropout: They also don't tell you that you will be farting uncontrollably for THE REST OF THE DAY after such a procedure.

LOL you bet your @ss I would!

Suzy Q - That's so very true ! Wish they had, because I went to work after the procedure and was absolutely miserable the rest of the day ! I had to continually step outside to "relieve the pressure". My co-worker was surprised that I had such bad cramps after, but that was because I was trying to hold it in !

Tele - how offal!

Hey Dave,

Your brother is in my prayers. I am not 50 but if I get one can I still get the certificate? It would be really awesome next to my Dave Barry autographed season 4 24 DVD Box Set.

*snork* Annie !

Hey Siouxie,

Please gets yours done ASAP as you never know what they might find.

*SMACKS* ExAddict!!!

THAT was low....

I was gonna warn you, dude, but some things you just gotta find out for yourself ...

Sorry Siouxie but it has been awhile and I had to make up for lost time.

(s)copious *snorks* all around!

Dave, what a great colon column. Thanks to you, and being over 50 myself, I will call my torture specialist physician in the morning and get an appointment to have my own, personal colonoscopy. After your description of the nuclear waste products, how can I not?

Best wishes and many positive thoughts to brother Sam.

You're such a pal, Steve...

*eye roll*

ExAddict, I'd be taking MoviPrep daily to get rid of THAT!!

Ducky, please live-blog it with CrapCam (*snork*) pictures.

*snork*

CJ: No. Who wants blurry pictures?

"Nuclear laxative" is the perfect description. When my husband went through the "night-before festivities" I almost called the police. It sounded like the fire department had decided to test blast their new fire hoses in my bathroom.

I suppose that celebrities prepare for a night at the Oscars using this product. I had never seen my husband look so thin. He looked like a cross between Angelina Jolie and Amy Winehouse.

Once again, the anesthesia provider is the hero with no credit given. My self esteem has been shattered.....wait, we don't have any self esteem...nevermind.......

Ha! "Fire Hose Mode." I should have read the complete article before posting.

(((Jazzzzie)))

You guys are truly the unsung heroes. Can I get some of those good drugs ahead of time? ;-)

thank you Ms Ducky........*sniff* I bettuh now :-)

Jazzzzie - because I was hypersensitive to anesthesia, during my c-sections my anesthesiologist was my very best friend. I had him by the short hairs bowtie the entire time. Of course in those days I didn't get out much. ;)

Versed is a many splendored thing (WBAGNFARB)

short hairs , bowtie.......on which "neck" did he wear this bowtie?

So, Dave is paraphrasing Shakespeare:

Get thee to a bunnery!

Good question, Jazzzz. I'm not having another baby just to find out. But that may explain his shortness of breath.

All Hail Jazzzz, Slayer of Giant Scorpions!

*zips in*™

*waves hi to Jazzzz*

I had to have one and I got the gallon 'drink'. I told the doctor that I'd heard there was a 'drink' that was less and he said yes, but we don't have it here!!! OK.
And I had the sigmoidoscopy too. And I got to lie on my side. And when they ask if you want to watch on the screen I think you have to say yes so they'll think you're one of the cool kids, but really!!!

Jazzzzzzzzie!! You guys are definitely the unsung heroes. When I had my C-section, I LOVED my anesti anesthy drug dealer! He assured me that I would feel no pain and kept his promise.

Can I have more of that???

Annie...we share a similar technique for "pain control". Having been exposed, in my youth, to a dentist who apparently received his training in a nazi death camp, thereby giving me an inordinate fear of dentists, I've developed this technique.

As soon as the chair is lowered to the prone position, I grasp an extremely sensitive part of his anatomy, look into his eyes, and murmur "Now Doctor...we're NOT about to hurt one other, now are we?"

Oh...man...did I laugh at this column!!

I did almost exactly the same thing as you, Dave, for exactly the same reasons, except I got my c'scopy at 60 without bad news from brother. (((Best to Sam))) I just decided I'd put off being a grown-up long enough.

My experience before and during was pretty much the same, too, except my doctor was LATE!! He got to the hospital LATE, then made me WAIT for an hour!!

I'm getting all warm and fuzzy inside.....thanks for the kudos, kids. ... better living through chemistry.

Afkat - fyi - your 2nd paragraph works for many, many situations.

Don’t know much about endoscopy
Don’t know 'bout colonoscopy
Don’t know how a giant colon looks
Or how many miles of tube it took

But I do know that you tell it true
And to keep me out of deep doo doo
A good gastro doc I will go see

Now I don’t claim to be too astute
But I must say here
Your graphic depiction of discomfort minute
Has laid to rest my fear

Don’t know much about proctology
Don’t know ‘bout sigmoidoscopy
Don’t want to sip nasty drinks so vile
Don’t want to crack my bathroom tile

But I do know that there is no three
So I’ll have a colonoscopy
And get a big thumbs up from Dave, yippee!

(Repeat) (Lyrics, not colonoscopy)

I've had the colonoscopy twice. The first time with the drink, the second time with some kind of pills that were fast-acting. The night before was definitely the worst part of the whole thing. The procedure itself was a piece of cake.
David Letterman has remarked on his show that the drink you take the night before is one of the only products you can buy that does exactly what it is intended to do.

*SNORK* @ Ducky!! awesome, as usual, my friend!

Annie, you are SO right. I had thoughts about holding my Ex's and OBGYN's privates whilst I was having my contractions.

I was puzzled why everyone was talking about getting that dreadful liquid. Yes, hagymom4, there is a pill. I took it -- or, more accurately, lots of them -- when I had my Roto-Rootering 2-3 years ago. And, boy did they work.

I vaguely recall being conscious enough to notice the monitor but not conscious enough to be interested.

My SASE will be on its way anyway. Thanks, Dave -- and for the great article.

I had mine last year about this time, which is usually the time of year that my right side goes into paroxysms of pain that doctors figure is either my appendix or my colon. It's neither and nobody knows why, but my colonoscopy says my colon is clean as a whistle. And I can't even begin to whistle Dixie....

I had mine last year about this time, which is usually the time of year that my right side goes into paroxysms of pain that doctors figure is either my appendix or my colon. It's neither and nobody knows why, but my colonoscopy says my colon is clean as a whistle. And I still can't even begin to whistle Dixie....

Ducky, Ducky, Ducky.

Ducky......they held the Grammy's a week too early. I *snorked* my cup of "Easy Now" herbal tea all over the place. Probably similar to Dave's fire hose experience.....only different.

WYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Dave, I'm sorry you had to have the crap scared out of you to get your exam! I myself was scared into getting a mammogram at age 36 when my then 26 year old sister got breast cancer. Happy to say she is now a 5 year survivor and I religiously get my own mammograms every year.

I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say we are behind you 100% - that is, as long as all the Moviprep has worked it's way out. (Why am I visualizing the old SNL Super Colon Blow cereal commercial spoof?!) Seriously, glad you got a clean bill and prayers to your brother for his speedy recovery.

Ducky - I can see that on 'Scrubs.'

You can wait, you can jive, butt there's a time in your life
Ooo.. see that swirl, watch that screen, dig through your Intestine

Friday morning the light's aglow
Looking up at the place where it goes
Where they play the tight muscle, getting in's the thing
You're afraid, is it going to sting?
Everybody should be that guy
No longer young and the risk is high
With a bit of narcotic, everything stays's fine
You're in a tissue paper robe
And when you get the probe

You see your Intestine, not your spleen, hopefully nice and clean
Intestine, hold that scream, while that thing's between
your cheeks
You can wait, you can jive, butt there's a time in your life
Ooo.. see that swirl, watch that screen, dig through your Intestine

You're a geezer, you turned away
Left it waitin' but now's you're day
Get to that tumor, get it before it gets you
You've been so thoroughly cleaned
Don't waste medicine

Explore that Intestine, not your spleen, hopefully nice and clean
You can wait, you can jive, butt there's a time in your life
Ooo.. see that swirl, watch that screen, dig through your Intestine

(courtesy of the Swedish band Assa)

Thanks, Siouxie!

Wyo, Wyo, Wyo. ;-)

Annie, maybe I should send it off to the show, since the writer's strike is over.

Well, I guess you could say he was "looking up an old friend"

Esther, awesome news about your sister. I had my first scare when I had my first mam...thankfully it was nothing but I get 'em ...religiously every year.

I do remember that SNL commercial LOL.

Whoa! Sorry about the repeat. I just read through everybody else's . A colon is too funny to waste (or is that waist?). I loved the anesthesiologist and the anesthesia too - best sleep in years. Might advise some of those Poise pads or undies the night before if the nucular laxative is not completely expelled (and, yes, it is a gallon and you get to pick your flavor, BTW). Good thoughts for all of you all who are going through with one soon. And Meanie, if you get yours in Verona, I'll listen for ya....

ROFLMAO @ Meanie!! Dancing Queen will never sound the same!

Howdy all, just thought I'd butt in.

(sioux, how 'bout that Castro dude, eh?)

and, of course, meanie, meanie, meanie.

Jazzzz, can you give me a sedative? (sedagive?)

Annie, get a job! ya bum. ;)

Hi Kathybear!

Speaking of which - I recently saw an excellent slogan for Breast cancer awareness - "Save the TaTa's" (with a pink ribbon). I say the colorectal cancer society needs a catchy slogan as well.

How about "Save the A$$holes"

I wear my breast awareness ribbon proudly.

That reminds me of the joke where the teacher is trying to get the class to guess the flavor of the honey-flavored lifesavers. "It's a name your mother sometimes calls your father," she hints.

A little girl spits out her lifesaver. "Oh, GROSS," she shrieks, "It's an @sshole!"

Souxie - Don't you just hate how they work you up by telling you that you need a second mammogram - and don't tell you WHY - I would rather they just say, it's probably nothing, but we need another view or even, there's a big spot on here that could be something. Instead, they leave you to ponder whether your number is finally up.

*SNORK@ JD!* I was gonna do a version of that too, but your's is outstanding!

Wyoooooo! My job is dealing with you. Although I must say your BC ribbon matches your eyes.

Snorking at Esther's slogan!

yours (not your's). (Sheesh, my fingers are already trembling)

I'll give you fair warning, Kathybear.

Wyo, we're keeping our fingers crossed here in Havana Miami...but probably...things won't change much. Sad.

Esther, YES! I had the 2nd mam and then the sonogram and then the biopsy. I was lucky that the x-ray doc called me right before Thanksgiving to tell me the good news.

*Snork* @ "looking up an old friend"

*applauds Meanie's Assa redoo*

*Snork* @ Esther!

Sioux, Esther - I made it to multiple sonograms. Nothing quite like lying on a table waiting hours for test results and being given only pc responses right after you've dumped your hubby and are on your own with two kids. Gulp.
At least I kept my humility. Thank goodness and my stunning good looks for that.

Same here, Annie. My beautimous good looks kept me sane..as much as possible.

(btw, I first read that as you making it through multiple orgasms..which would NOT be a bad thing!)

*smacks self for the dirty mindedness*

Carry on

After that comment, how the heck do I carry on?

Siouxie, I think that IS "carrying on!"

JD - thanks for answering my question on a simul.
Mas batteries and fresh whiskey for my wimmens!

I'll have what she's having.

Except for the squish part. Once a year's enough, thanks.

I had a b00b of an ob-gyn tell me I "worried too much" when he cancelled a needle biopsy I was already drugged up and gowned and tabled for.

The "something" they found on the previous mammo and multiple ultrasounds moved at the last minute. Understandably, I was concerned. "Waddaya mean, 'go home'?"

"Oh, Mrs. R., you worry too much."

!?!?!??!

This, after a week and a half of crazy worry (family history of BC, etc.). I followed up with another doc asap, and it turned out ok. But that jerk had no clue.

Lesson learned -- the person who delivers your babies is not always the right person to be your girly-parts doc for life.

I had that joyful experience a couple years. It started when I told my doctor about a problem I was having with hemorrhoids. Since he was a doctor, and I was over 50, he immediately referred me to a colorectal specialist, who in turn, immediately insisted I submit to a colonoscopy. I don’t know whether it was the hemorrhoids or the mere fact that someone was sticking something up my wazoo, but I apparently got very tense, and the doctor saw fit to do something he late described as “snowing” me, which I assume means that he gave me mega-doses of strong drugs. Whatever he did, I remember nothing of the procedure, but I do remember suffering in pain for the entire weekend. From what I understand, he had to use a crow-bar to get the colonoscopy up my you know what, and the prying caused a bunch of pain!

Afterwards, I felt relieved to know that there were no serious problems; I even have a video to prove it! My advice to all of you out there is to get the colonoscopy as soon as your doctor recommends it. Just be certain to ask the colorectal specialist to prescribe you strong drugs for the pain.

Whatever you do, don’t let the potential pain stop you from having the colonoscopy; it could save your life. My mother-in-law died as a result of colon cancer.

Hey, the Today segment was cancelled.

And I was even OFF WORK to be able to see it!

grumble... grumble... glad I cancelled that flight....

Wyo, does that ribbon have nipples or implants?

Sioux, multiples are a very good thing!

i had 'the procedure' last year, a month short of 50th birthday, they found what dr. described as 'the mother of all polyps' which was mercifully benign, and for that reason i have to do it again soon...good luck, sam!

colonoscopy:
procedure by which they find
ways to make ends mete.

I canNOT believe that it's THIS many hours into the post and NO ONE has yet posted this perennial favorite.

Dave - this one's for you!!

Tex, it has neither, but is of the softest silk, and it enhances and reflects anything beneath it.

like my charitable heart. yeah, dat's it!

Oy, what a relief to be outta there, insom. You have NO idea!

Hi, Wyo! I e-mailed you. I think I did, that is.

Hi, WYOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Diva, I am embarrassed to admit how many page of "Lolcats Cheeseburger" I have read.

And am still reading...

Tex, jes dey R!

insom, good to know you're free and clear! You too, monsoon and of course, Cat!

Well...I'm 49. I had kidney stones (or a piece of bad tooth) at 30. My doctor had a med student do the prostate exam on me. While the student was "up there" for the first time, it was "while you there, why don't you feel to the left for this organ...over there for that organ"...et cetera. He was in there for 4...5...minutes...an hour. Everyone else jokes about "buying me dinner first." I ,of course, said "Thanks for confirming my heterosexuality. I took no pleasure from that whatsoever". Later exams were non-eventful after that. And watching my four children being born, we men have nothing to bit@h about. Whatever else I think about my exes, God blessum for what THEY went through.

Ain’t no sunshine where it’s gone
It’s not warm, but that’s ok
Ain’t no sunshine where it’s gone
But those drugs will last so long
He won’t feel nothin’ today

Wonder just how far it’s gone
Wonder if it’s gone astray
Ain’t no good if it’s gone wrong
And it poked a hole in one
Intestines won’t be ok

So go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow
go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow
go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow
go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow
Go slow—

Hey, he spent a lot of time on the throne
But ain’t no sunshine where it’s gone
Only darkness to display
Ain’t no sunshine where it’s gone
And he’ll sleep when he gets home
Memories will fade away

Memories will fade away...

Good to have YOU and your prostate with us, Wayne!

My ex had "exam" after his vasectomy and he did joke about the "can we have dinner first".

Cat, you did, and I could swear that I thanked you for your email.

or am I losing it?

Cat - I know! I'm so with you on that. :-) They are adorable.

I had a co-worker try to discuss his upcoming vasectomy with me while I was standing next to the paper-cutter. You know I just couldn't resist. ;)

ROFL Ducky!! that's great!

On that note, I will say my goodnights to all and wish you ALL good health and a clean culo colon!

*smoochies*

(((Siouxie))) Sweet dreams!

Cat - lovely new picture!

Ducky - kudos for your musical offerings!

Thanks, Diva. (Although I'm expecting another "Ducky, Ducky, Ducky" from Wyo any minute now.)

I have no idea why I find this subject so--inspirational.

Thanks, Wyo! I didn't get a reply, but thanks for updating me.

Thanks, Diva. Nite, Siouxie!

Oh, and Cat:

1) Congrats on being a winner of the caption contest

2) So sorry about your job evaporation

3) I like your updated pic/bio on the Blogger's page!

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