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February 21, 2008

NEW COLUMN

Here's a column about an important yet unpleasant, even disgusting, topic. No, it's not the presidential campaign.

CHEESY CERTIFICATE (designed by the marvelous Ed Fiol) UPDATE from the s.b.:

Coloncertificatecompressed

Comments

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*pauses reading to *SNORK* @ behindular zone!!*

*will have to remember to steal borrow that*

*back to reading*

YAY for Sam!!! Good to know he was diagnosed early and will be fine.

(psssssst, judi?? now I know where my TP is going lol)

This man MUST be President, yes, of the United States.

Thank you, Dave, and best wishes to Sam.

(Cat R., who is not yet 50, but knows it's coming...)

FULL FIREHOSE MODE wbagnfarb

Laughter IS the best medicine. Thanks, Dave. My best to Sam, a most awesome harmonica player.
*goes to get 'Dancin' Queen' gifts for Dave on eB@y*

Much good karma to Sam !
I had the sigmoidoscopy, which is not as invasive as the colonoscopy, but they don't put you to sleep. I think I've commented on it before, but Dave's right - that "nuclear" bowel movement is indeed an experience to behold. I think besides the wicked gas you get after, drinking that vile stuff is the worst part.

You are a brave man. Congrats!

...and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it.

Go see it??!!? I work for it.

and props to Sam's doctors for finding and successfully treating him.

What a moving story!

Congrats on finally bellying up to the colonoscopy bar. I just had my second pooper looper a little over a week ago. Damn, wish I'd known about the vodka option.

*will patiently wait 3 more years*

Oh and congrats to Dave for having it done and being OK!

what ARE those drugs, anyway? i have heard them called Milk of Amnesia. whatever they are they make the 17,000' hose worth it, don't they? yes they do. i said they DO. well they did for me.

Well, I'm logging off my work PC for the last time, and deleting my internet bookmarks (sob!). Blogits, thanks for making my last days here at the office so (*cough, cough*) productive.

The caption contest was a happy flicker of light in an otherwise depressing day. Even if I got some sympathy votes, I'll take it.

BTW, I asked judi for the Weinermobile. So, the BM collection should still be available. ;-)

Dave, as a recently-50'd guy with supreme procrastinatory skills, thank you, and thank Sam.

Good health to all of you (inside and out).

hoo, boy. that felt good. long time no colon. i mean column. long time no column.

Good karma to Sam! Dave, you are a courageous weenie.

*Sits back and waits for 6.4 more years to experience the joy of colonoscopy.*

((((((((((Cat))))))))))))))

Hurry home!!

Excellent column, Dave! I recently turned 50, and I just underwent "the procedure" last month. It was exactly as you describe it, especially the part about Fire Hose Mode.

The drugs they give you are amazing. Not only do I not remember the procedure, but I also don't recall large stretches of the immediate aftermath (such as getting dressed). Mrs. Ford tells me I was acting quite punchy; I don't remember. I do remember the nurse at one point saying, "This is why we don't let people drive themselves home."

Oh yeah...I tested clean. All kidding aside, folks, if you're of a certain age, don't put this off. Just make sure to leave the path to the bathroom clear.

Yay for Dave! I hope they gave you a lollipop for being such a brave boy.

And double-yay for Sam.

Texgal, you don't exactly "belly" up to the colonoscopy bar IYKWIM.

I remember after my first one I asked my wife when the hell the doctor was going to come in and talk to me. Turned out he already had and I had a full conversation with him that I didn't remember. Versed and Demerol. Way better than vodka.

Take it like a man, Meanie, and snag a vat of vodka for the joy punch. Just wait until you get those lovely photos, suitable for framing!

*takes out 17,000 ft rectal tube*

*puts on rubber gloves*

**SNAP!**

oh...Mr. Blue????

Well I am glad to hear that everything went well and that Sam is on his way to recovery! Sorry to laugh at your ordeal a bit. Alls well when your ends well.

here's an oldie butt (get it?) goodie.


don’t want no colonoscopy
that scope ain’t good to me
looking places no man should see
why you would want to is beyond me
you got that hose five foot or more
and you greasin’ my back door
I’m just starin’ at the floor –
think about running for the door –
my self respect’s a mess –
got me wearing a little dress
if you were cops then I’d confess
to anything that you suggest
but you don’t ask me any questions
don’t listen to my suggestions
you bent on butt inspection
so you give me an injection….

Things get slower
as the lights get lower
and my eyes see double
and I make a drool bubble
and my lips limp glisten
and ear bones listen
to the hum the lights t
hat make it dark like night
and the sweet song of the cherry imp that swims upon the leaves of oak that fall into the shelter of the softly lifting mzzle flmbl ……zzzzzz…..zzzzzz

What was that? It’s dark - it’s cold - can’t see a thing blinking rub my eyes there it was again! turn and look behind - it’s from behind!
I’m spinning now and I’m losing my mind!
that sound is like ice the source i can’t find
the light is dim and getter brighter now I hear it loud and clear
it would give a dead man nightmares and fill a stone with fear

My heart is palpitating –
see the serpent circulating -
diameter a’calculating
for the sphincters di-a-lating
please don’t you despise me
if the snake gone’ supersize me
it’s circumference terrorize me
please just euthanize me
don’t want no reptiles in my rectum
if I could I would reject ‘em
with a cork I could deflect ‘em
squeeze down hard and butt-eject ‘em
now I feel like that dude in ‘alien’
got a monster in my guts
like to turn the tables impale you
and show you all what’s what (what?)
now I feel like that dude in ‘alien’
got a monster in my guts
if this is a test I’m failing it
and y’all can kiss my butt
now I feel like that dude in ‘alien’
got a monster in my guts
like to turn the tables impale you
and show you all what’s what (what?)
now I feel like that dude in ‘alien’
got a monster in my guts
if this is a test I’m failing it
and y’all can kiss my butt

Very true, Layzee. It's a tubular type of thing. And I really like the "joy of gas" encore.

Meanie, you turn 50, you nevah call, you nevah write? Vat is dis?

(((((Sam!)))) best wishes on getting well! we'll all be praying for you.

And Dave, I have not laughed so hard in years. you are a true man of talent to take such a gross yet important topic and make me laugh so hard that I almost wet myself. Will you let us know next time you have medical work done? Maybe a root canal? Those are fun! Please?

Been there, done that. Repeatedly. And I can tell you that the best news your doctor can give you is that because rectal cancers grow so slowly, you do not have to have another exam for maybe 5 years. Now that the IV anesthetic is available to get you thru the exam itself, it is a true fact that the preparation the night before is really the worst part.

Some years ago Ronald Reagan had a procedure for colon cancer, and this proved to have a remarkably beneficial effect on stimulating others to come forward and have themselves checked out. I would like to think that many lives were saved because of that. In treating the topic with your usual light-hearted humor, I think you can disarm the fears of many readers out there who might just go to see their doctor and perhaps, like Sam, find the tumor before it has a chance to spread. Godspeed in this, Dave, and the best of wishes to your brother who is lucky to have someone with access to a bully pulpit to spread the gospel.

Nice one, mud!

oopsie...

um..what the doc said.

Now that you've cowboy'd up for the colonoscopy, go get your prostate checked.

Is it really that bad that you need to be 'out' for the procedure?

*hold up lighter for mud*

Had one a while back. Nobody mentioned vodka. I was awake for it but drugged up enough to find the whole process mildly funny, especially when the doc invited me watch the monitor and see up my own a@@ and pointed out how the light at the front end of the tube was visible through me abdomen.

Best regards to Sam. The world needs good harmonica players. And brothers.

Steve H - Dave's column prompted my call to the doc this afternoon. Shuttle launch is next week.

Beautiful, mud! :)

YAY for Meanie!!

We'll be keeping our fingers crossed that everything will come out OK in the end.

Wouldn't you love to see the look on Al Roker's face when Dave starts in on the joys of colonoscopy tomorrow ...

Oh, well done indeed, you dear, good Blog! Thanks so much for sharing, and all best wishes for Sam's complete recovery. What a great way to deal with this situation, Dave; that was the funniest column you've written in ages!

Dave, blessings to Sam, and congratulations to you! As Radar O'Reilly once said to Col. Potter after they irrigated his horse Sophie's (now there's an odd coinkydink) "behindular zone", "Clean as a whistle, inside and out!"

SH: by odd (or not) coincidence, my doc was the same one who performed the procedure on Al Roker.

Also, how long ya think before pirated YouTube video of Dave's colonscopy starts making the rounds?

My, my, Lairbo! Being able to see up your own @ss. That talent might just make you 'presidential' material. Any political @sspirations????

My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer two years ago. They were able to get it all and he hasn't had to have chemo or radiation. EARLY DETECTION!!

In fact, I'm due for another one (need them more than years due to family history.) The last time I went in, they added an endocopy. I was explaining this to my then 20 year old daughter. She said "they are going to go DOWN and then UP? (gosh, i HOPE it was in that order). I said yes.

She said, "So, basicially, they are going to put you on a spit like a chicken."

My, my, Lairbo! Being able to see up your own @ss. That talent might just make you 'presidential' material. Any political @sspirations????

Dave, may I just say I really appreciate that you are only sending ONE SQUARE of toilet paper with the certificate? Thank you for doing your part for the environment!

*roars off in her Hummer*

Shipoopi

YouTube?? That colonoscopy vid is gonna be first prize in the *next* caption contest ...!

Mr Blog,
Been there, done that last year... welcome to the club. You can keep your ol' certificate & t.p. I have my own. So there.

With the caption contest winnings, I thought Dave was cleaning his office. Butt when he cleans, he REALLY cleans.

Much better than a sharp stick in the eye.

Hey, Texgal ! I got to watch, too !
But let me say, at this time, I have no @sspirations (*snork*) for political office. I am far too busy working a full time job, training my poor co-workers who have no clue how to run a computer, (much less the joys of the interwebs)raising kids, running a house and making dinner nightly, to fool around courting votes. Not to mention absolutely no funds.
It's actually quite interesting to watch - I saw a microscopic piece of lettuce in there - how the doctor knew what it was, I have no clue. That must be a crappy job, to administer sigmoidoscopies all day long. Think of all the middle aged "behindular areas" you get to view. Ook.
I think I just made myself throw up a little in my mouth.

C'mon, wouldn't you really rather have a colonoscopy vid than a Manilow DVD??

Glad Sam is good.
Glad Dave is good.
I too soon must travel through the "behindular zone," across the barren land of Assynia, deep into the Buttockua Mountains near the wild and wooly Cracknal Valley. While spelunking thru the Caverns of Hemrodovia, I will now of course be thinking of Dave, Richard Gere AND his gerbal, and the spewing geysers of Buttholia.

Thanks for the visual.

Dave, you have the incredibly wonderful talent to take a serious matter such as a colonoscopy and make me laugh so hard the tears came.

Blessings upon Sam, we're all pulling for him.

Congratulations upon finally getting up the nerve to go and have the procedure. I know your bravery will inspire millions (thousands? hundreds? at least two?) people to follow suit and get tested.

I lost a friend to colon cancer five years ago. She was a microbiologist who knew the signs and still refused to go to the doctor until it was too late.

Don't let this happen to anyone else, ever. Tell your family, your friends, everyone you know that early detection is key.

Warning- after downing that max-wash moonshine is probably the worst time to read Dave's column. Snorkage upstairs only, please. Lower level snorkage isn't pretty.

Got mine pre-50, unfortunately prompted by a 33-year-old nephew being diagnosed. I & all male relatives tested came out clean. Nephew has had mixed success, colon is clean but stuff has popped up elsewhere, so he's still going through treatment.

The good side is he is young & otherwise healthy, and has outstanding motivation in the form of his daughter, honest to GOD the most gorgeous 4-year-old girl I have ever seen.

Upshot is I get to see him & his daughter tomorrow for the first time in several months. Wish him luck.

Nice Annie!


*snorking out the butt.*

Yaaaaay Dave! Good going, and as Okie Dokie said, Sam will be in our prayers.

HOWEVER, when I did it four years ago, I had to drink A GALLON (!!!!) of the stuff. Talk about nasty. And I keep hearing from other folks that soon there will be pills to take instead of nasty liquid. Anyone else hear that?

padraig - kids make you do the darndest things. Like live. I wish your nephew a revised Irish Blessing:
May the hose rise to meet him,
May the wind (phew!) always be at his back,
And may G0d keep him from snorking out his butt.

*upper-level snorkage* @ Annie and her Blessing!

Pad, good luck to your nephew!

Thanks Tele! *proudly waves stinky tube in joyous backside salute*

On a serious note, the consequences of colon cancer far outweigh the fears of this procedure. Bloggettes and bloggers (you're the ones with the neuticles), just do (or doo) the tube shoot. You'll be glad that you did.

2 years ago my dad got to know the joys of MoviPrep, of course I got the joy of seeing someone frantically run to the bathroom not knowing if they would make it, and how my father fretted about the 5 minute drive home because he really liked his car (my father thought he was empty and the second liter was just precautionary). Not six weeks later I had to get the same process done for ulcers except there were two hoses and they met in the middle (I hate carma). Be careful about your legs falling asleep when on the thrown for prolonged periods of time few things are more humiliating then falling in the bathroom with your pants around your ankles.

Okay, serious for uno momento...

klezmerphan,
I couldn't agree with you more about his lighthearted way of dealing with a real, real tough subject (no absurd comments please.) Or with him - that being the prep is the worst part. BTW Dave, not the case with the sigmoidoscopy, for which I was awake.
Anyway,I have noted to self about the vodka, in case another of these is in my future.

I have a question, can the same person acquire a 2nd Pulitzer?

Pad, my fondest wishes for a complete recovery go out to your nephew and his family.

hagymom4 - let me guess- the pills will have little bristles on them.

"HOWEVER, when I did it four years ago, I had to drink A GALLON (!!!!) of the stuff. Talk about nasty. And I keep hearing from other folks that soon there will be pills to take instead of nasty liquid. Anyone else hear that?"

yes, i had a gallon too, and i'm pretty sure that there was lable on it saying "do not mix vodka with this product as that will only serve to prove that you are a irredeemable low-life and that's just sad" or something like that. i think the nursing staff tell you about the pill just to see that look on your face, the cruel witches.

btw: the poem above is completely fictional and is an example of literary irresponsibility in that the patient wakes up during the procedure and compares the "scope" to a large snake. i made the whole thing up.

in reality, my own experience was exactly like dave's. it's a good thing that they didn't tell me the name of whatever drug they gave me cause if they had i would be out shopping for it right now. like dave said, i felt super. the scope does not look like a snake. it actually is more like the tail of an enormous scorpion.

Annie, thank you for your... ummmm.... thought.

Being half-Irish, my nephew snorks often, but mostly nasally, buiochas le Dia.

Thanks for all your good wishes.

ec, I sure hope he can/will. This is the perfect way to bring attention to an otherwise unpleasant subject.
Seriously, my sister and I are planning to have it done soon (she turned 50 a few months ago). We do all our mams together, so ..why not this too?? right?

WTG, Mr. Blog!

...the scope does not look like a snake. it actually is more like the tail of an enormous scorpion.

Posted by: mudstuffin | 04:15 PM on February 21, 2008

um..thanks, mud.

Only you Dave, could make me laugh about a colonosopy. truly they are funnier when someone ELSE is going thru one. the gak that they make you drink is bad enough but the oh hell why ruin it for those not yet of prime (as in meat) age yet. suffice it to say i am now engaged to 2 docs, one who gave me the prostate exam and the other who did the colonoscopy. i was embarrassed to have to tell the colon scope guy i wasn't a virgin 'cause my family doc "got" me first.


a good friend who is within months of my age(54 ish) is a colon cancer survivor. when caught early it is definitely curable. All the BEST to Sam!

Siouxie:

You and your sis might as well spring for the colonoscopy, tattoo and unbrella drink package since your going together.

#69

On that note, I am outta here....home awaits!

LOL Cheesewiz...I'm thinking more like a spa package - mani/pedi/assi

This is both the 'best description of' and 'best reason for' that I have ever read.

Hilariously true, and seriously so as well.

Nicely done, sir.

This blog...no matter where we start, we always end up with potty humor.
(a private nightmarish 'thanks' to mud for the enormo-scorpion visual)

*waves joyously back at Texgal, but luckily, doesn't have a stinky tube*
As you all have said, the consequences far outweigh the two days out of your life that you undergo this procedure. And I, too, am guilty of putting this off. I had the gallon jug staring at me for almost 6 months before I actually made the appointment. The anticipation is far, far worse. Prayers are being said for Sam, and Padraig, for your nephew, and since I have to go to church tonight, I'll light a couple of candles as well.
((((the whole blog))))
Meanie - good for you !!!

Isn't mani, pedi, assi Latin for I came, I saw, I cr@pped out next week's dinner?

My best friend who is 36 has been diagnosed with Colorectal cancer. It was a real shock. But they caught it early, and she had a good prognosis. She's doing radiation and chemo, and will have surgery later this year.

She told me that just like February is Breast Cancer Awareness month, March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month.

The ribbons are blue. (I said they should be brown, but maybe that color was already taken...)

Dave: your column made it on fark.com so you should have a few extra stamps on hand

True story - Years ago in my Surgeon's Assistant days I was assisting with a sigmoidoscopy on Hugh Brannum, the guy who played Mr. Green Jeans. As I was getting his nekkidity into the kneeling position with his butt up in the air he asked if I recognized him. I said, "Not from this angle." We had to wait for him to stop laughing to begin the proceedings.

I have had one of these babies (colonoscopy) too, and I DID wake up during mine ... so don't worry about being irresponsible, mudstuffin, you speak the truth. Except the part about the drool bubble ... that's just gross.

Dave, congrats to you and best wishes to Sam. I've been through two of them. The first time I was in the recovery room trying not to break wind and suffering from it. A nurse came in, saw the problem and told me: "During the procedure we pumped you full of air to inflate you and make it easier for the camera. Now if you try to take that air with you we're going to charge you for it."
1812 Overture time! Embarrassed the h3ll out of She Who Must Be Obeyed.

Our colons pass through Minneapolis? That's disturbing and I feel we should take a wide stance against it.

Oh Kristie, so sorry to hear that !
I will add you and her to my prayers and candle-lighting.

Thanks, Tele!

((((blog))))

I'll add you guys to my prayer list too!

Thanks for the article, Dave. Glad you're clear, so to speak!

Dave, what a great column. I'm so glad that Sam's prognosis is good, and of course we're all very relieved to hear that your behindular zone is clean as a whistle.

Thank you for writing this. I'm sure that Blue is one of many who will follow your example.

fivver, isn't it a hoot (toot?) when everybody's lying in their curtained cubicles...um...decompressing?

It's a symphony of flatulence, which, BTW, WBAGNFARB.

To the Sioux and her sis: have a happy medical T&A experience.

And a big *SNORK* just for being you.

LOL Layzee & fivver!!

Love the certificate!

*smooch to Texgal*

Thanks for the simul too ;-P

um..is that really Dave's thumb??

Where's his other hand??

no it is not dave's thumb. it's something ed found (or maybe it's ED's thumb. i don't know. but it's not dave's.)

*Tosses soggy Houston rain kiss back @ the Souix.

You stole my thunder with your 5:08.

The certificate's great, but it features the wrong finger.

Layzeeboy, the first time I was real nervous (colonoscoply speaking folks!) but the second time I was more relaxed. Right before they started we went through the 'What's your name, your birthday, why are you here' validation routine. I answered all their questions and then added, "but really folks, to you aren't I just another a$$hole?" I had to wait for them to stop laughing...

Is that a lit fuse on that certificate?

SNORK, fivver

Mr. Blog, happy to hear yur healthy...well, at least physically.

New to my prayers:
Sam
Padraig's nephew
Kristie's buddy

and all the rest of you zanies, of course!

TTFN

uni: it's the light.

*will have to remember all these great colonoscopy jokes*

Dave's new column made it to FARK.com

Maybe now the Pull It Surprise folks will notice.

I'm 2 1/2 decades away from a colonoscopy, but I'm doing a fundraising half marathon for the cause next month. I'm thinking about mooning everyone the whole way to show my solidarity.

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