Dave Barry's Blog

OINK

Three Little Pigs 'too offensive'

(Thanks to many people)

THIS PROBABLY ALREADY IS THE NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Dog-lead Goths

(Thanks to Siouxie and DavCat and Jeff Meyerson and Rob Johnson and AmerinParis)

HE'S UP FOR ELECTION

Tory MP takes 'herbal Viagra' on live TV

(Also thanks to DavCat)

HEIST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Moo.

(Thanks to DavCat)

ROOM SERVICE

(Thanks to Siouxie)

BREAKING SNAKE REPORT FROM THE EVERGLADES

A group of guys handle a problem:

Key Excerpt: The four responders then discussed their options. Snow reported that there had been several published articles about the successful use of tasers to loosen the tight grip of constricting snakes, so that was tried. Unfortunately, it resulted in the python contracting and excreting bodily fluids all over the responders. They then decided to disassemble parts of the Explorer’s undercarriage in order to get to the python’s head, which was then covered with duct tape.

(Thanks to Rob Tooker)

IN OTHER SNAKE-RELATED NEWS

Snakes see heat with their noses and hear with their tongues -- now researchers find that they hear with their jaws.

We don't want to know what they do with their genitals.

ADVUISORY TO CABLE THIEVES

Stay out of Pietermaritzburg.

DICK HARPOOTLIAN UPDATE

Dick is in the news.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

HIGHER EDUCATION

Beer 101

(Thanks to Janice Tibbetts)

HONESTY

It may work in politics, but the TSA frowns on it.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

ANOTHER GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Put your hands together for Trojan Dwarf!

(Thanks to DavCat)

IS THIS WHAT THEY MEAN BY SPENDING TIME WITH THE FAMILY?

(Thanks to Joshua Evans)

NEVER-BEFORE-ATTEMPTED CAMPAIGN TACTIC

Honesty

(Thanks to sjhaller and Cheryl Howard)

THE REAL MIRACLE

...is that it was not transported in a clear, resealable one-quart plastic baggie.

(Thanks to everyone)

HALLELUJAH

Potato Jesus

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

BULLETIN BULLETIN OHMIGOD URGENT BREAKING BULLETINNNNNNNNN

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ANOTHER REASON WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are creative.

(Via Gizmodo)

Related Culinary-Weapon Item (which maybe we blogged already, but what the hell) here.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve, who says, "I believe this is what Jack Bauer uses when he makes fried eggs.")

UPDATE: SNAKES IN THE PLUMBING

It's getting worse.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WHY WE LOVE ENGLAND

The culture.

(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys look out for each other.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard and Siouxie)

START PREPARING NOW

International Scurvy Awareness Day

(Thanks to fivver)

YUM

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

MOOOUUUURP

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Greg Snow)

WE SAW THIS BAND IN THE SIXTIES

Blind Seal

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

(Alternative Headline Considered: "It's really good at Marco Polo")

MASS-MURDERING-WARLORD NAME OF THE MONTH SO FAR

Gen. Butt Naked

(Thanks to Bryce Donovan)

STRUMPETING POSTDATE

From the musty, dusty attic of December 2007 comes a new old interview with The Blog.

WAS IT COVERED BY THE WARRANTY?

Sweet Pea the python gets stuck in the dashboard.

A NUTRITIOUS MEAL, AND A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Meat House

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

"PEOPLE WANT SOMETHING A BIT MORE REAL"

No they don't.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WEST VIRGINIA

Where Family Is Family

(Thanks to Joshua Evans)

THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION: RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS FOR EXPERIMENTS?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Joe Hicks)

HEY, WE'VE SEEN WORSE ACTS

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

Alleged lovers allegedly prepare a McRatPoison Sandwich.

The Channel 18 News Team is taking the news quite well:

(Thanks to Corey Smith)

BIG DEAL

The IRS does this to people all the time.

(Thanks to Joe Hicks)

Related Story: Sounds like this guy could work as a Japanese tax collector.

(Thanks to navigato)

NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

Survey shows that Australians love to travel. Or vice versa.

(Thanks to many people)

OOSIK UPDATE

From funniegrrl: "During the credits of Antiques Roadshow tonight, they showed a couple of teenagers (brother and sister I think) who had an oosik which had carving on it.  They described an oosik as a "petrified whale bone."  hmmm.  They also said it had been appraised at $1200."

Makes a person wonder what Walter is worth. Not that Walter is for sale. Walter is way too cool to sell.

HALLELUJAH (UPDATE)

Hijacked Jesus is home.

(Thanks to Clarissa French)

WE WISH WE HAD THOUGHT OF IT

The tiger-urinated-in-my-ear excuse.

(Thanks to Gretchen DeJarnett)

EMPLOYER OF THE MONTH SO FAR

(Thanks to Marilyn)

WE HAVE OUR OWN IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO OBSERVE IT

Squirrel Appreciation Day

More here.

The celebrations might be a bit subdued in some areas.

(Thanks to Lori)

POLITICS

We missed this item and are glad we did, as we would have felt duty bound to mention that other candidates have done the same thing.

GOOD NEWS FOR THE LADIES

(Thanks to Matt Filar and CJrun, who we are probably not legally allowed to say would look good in one)

(We are sure Matt would too, but we haven't actually seen him)

UPDATE of some clothing styles CJrun and Matt would NOT look good in, thanks to Jeff Carrie's friend Jean

ATTENTION, LADIES

Yu is on the market again.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE WILL NEVER AGAIN COMPLAIN ABOUT PIGEONS

(Thanks to Philip Snyder)

ATTENTION, SHOPPERS WISHING TO PURCHASE POORLY MADE WAX HEADS

Here's your chance.

Key Quote: “We sell the heads off from time to time, but what puzzles me is why people buy them and what they do with them."

(Thanks to sjhaller)

Test: Name the person portrayed in wax below:

How about this one?

WHOOPS

"Dead" man wakes up at own wake

(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)

SPORTS ANAYSIS OF THE WEEKEND SO FAR

Plummeting temperatures mean frozen balls

(Thanks to DavCat)

POSSIBLE SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR FABIO

(Thanks to Kibby F5)

AND THE SO-CALLED "MAJOR" PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES REMAIN SILENT

Scots ask US to lift haggis ban

(Thanks to Matt Filar)