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January 28, 2008

COMPLETE, ACCURATE, UP-TO-DATE COVERAGE OF THE FLORIDA PRIMARY

It's not here.

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Dave, you're slacking! I got this 15 mins ago in my email and read it.

*was going to "send it in" for posting*

;-)

Who's having mojitos???

Please be responsible, people. Don't drink and vote.

Oh, yeah. It's Florida. In that case, drinking might actually improve the situation.

Polls usually close at 7, right? So, in Florida they'll have about four hours after dinner to get their vote in.

someone say mojitos!?!

the bill/hillary part was lol funny. thanks dave, i needed that. i need the mojito more, but i'll settle for humor.

Very funny and witty. The snake. Bill. With darts attempting to tranqualize him. And Hillary supporters being dragged along at his ankles with belch!! Teddy! I think I will move to Tahiti and be your neighbor. Thailand! Stallone! 40 to 1! I say Hillary Flowers. I mean Hillary likes Flowers, not the woman.

The mojitos would explain the hanging chads.

Don't think he's making anything about South Beach up. That's exactly how it is on any given night. The maze of tables/waiters/trays is never-ending and the prices are astronomical. Valet parking?? are you effin' kiddin' me??? I'd rather park at home and walk there.

And the pregnant ones, Cheesewiz.

Have you prepared any professional journalism material regarding caroline kennedy and her bout with Downs.

See Dave, that wasn't so hard to do. Maybe you could start doing one every month and work your way gradually back up to a weekly column.

Thanks for the great column.

How about Ted's missing gene. Kiniski.

If it was illegal to drink and vote we would have to outlaw Congress.

and definitely the pregnant ones Sioux

Aaarrrrrrr, matey. Them mojitos, when taken in quantity, might account for a pinball taxi flying over the underpass and landing on the valet's sidewalk table skewered by 14 million tourists lined up to vote at the endowed chair? Is that the question?

So Dave, after you have been elected President (YOTUS), are you gonna become an irrepressible former President, who can't walk past a mediaperson without stopping to comment? Or will you just call it in from Tahiti?

*Hic!*

Giuliani can't campaign or he will lose his place in line for Joe's Stone Crab.

I'm Meanie the Blue, and I approved this mojito.

Just so long as I get my Red Prius back someday.

Myself, being an astute observer of political observations, would like to share the following deep insights (which ultimately will point the winner in November):

Mitt "Looks like Data from Star Trek" Rommeny is the George Hamilton of politics

John "Older than Reagan" McCain is to the republican party what Geritol is to Lawrence Welk

Hillary "Vote for me cuz I'm not a republican" Clinton is to the democratic party what Phish is to Dead Heads

Barack "Vote for me cuz I'm not Hillary" Obama is to professional golf what Tiger Woods is to Jack Nicklaus.

I'm sure that has made your candidate choice easier.

We don't whiiiiiiinnneee!!!!

I had four mojitos last night, just watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Cried my eyes out, too. Right before the show started. (I wanted to be primed, which is what a primer is for, right? RIGHT??

Here in Kentucky, where we care so much about politics that we hold our primaries after the nominees are offically chosen, it is illegal to purchase alcohol on any Election day.

Jacki - if a candidate vowed to change that no-alcohol law, she'd win in a landslide.

Oh! I'd like to win a mudslide, please! (extra chocolate sauce)

The only professional journalistic segment of the entire column I saw was when Dave deftly wrote off a $70.00 seafood delight (I'll wager it was frozen and nuked).

Fearless leader - I believe, to quote Siouxie, beer was also involved.

Cantidates ranked by size of heads. Largest to smallest:


Romney. The largest head. Includes large sums of personal wealth his head openly displays along with the angel Moroni.

Huckabee. Fair tax sized head. His message carrys a lot of weight, like his enormous head. Fair tax shaped and in the running with Mit for the largest head. It makes sense. His head.

Giuliani. New York is in head, heart and incredibally his pants.

Caroline Kennedy (missing a gene).

Ted Kennedy (Missing any sign of a head)

Hillary (Hates the word head.)

John Edwards Ttotal weenie of a head. Needs to work on political skills, like public speaking . Very small head, but his name, Joh, is better than Baracks', Hussein.

Barack (ears overwehlm any thought of having a head).

Ross Perot. Got Bill elected with his ears?


I've met Ted Kennedy. His head is the size of a stop sign, 18 inches across. Everything about the guys is huge (well, everything I saw anyway, it's not like saw him running through my livingroom nekkid).

*smacks* random!

GOOD GOD!! Please provide industrial strength brain bleach with that visual.

Annie, I will assume that a few mojitos were consumed by The Blogs. You can't walk around SoBe SoBer.

Yes - that would be a Soberror.

We REALLY need Dave to be President. How cool would it be to have a blogging prez?

Terrific column, Dave!

*Wipes snorkage off keyboard & monitor*

*snorks @ Siouxie & Annie*

Y'all are making me thirsty. Who's tending bar? I'll take one of them there mojitos!

I personally will be voting for a Pomegranate Martini, because no self respecting person with a foot of snow in their front yard will drink mojitos.

Think about it, people. If Dave wins, we lose...our columnist! Up to this point, we've been able to whine and lure him back to doing a column or two. If he wins, he's off to Tahiti, taking all the cheez-its with him. The only thing we'd hear from him is a scant postcard once in a while saying how the sand is itchier on certain beaches, or that Sophie has started a hermit crab corral. NTTAWWT. I just like him better up close where we can keep an eye on him.

lilrascal - your vital stats link was pointless, as the Democratic vote in Florida doesn't count (if I'm not mistaken, none of the Dems are on the ballot in Florida at all)

A W-b-h,
I disagree with your conclusion. Dave is an addict. A humour addict. We, the blog, are his enablers. Dave could be elected President of the Entire Universe + other, suspected Universes and he would still write.
We, the enablers, give him instant gratification the way we anticipate his contribution to the blog and fawn over his every written word. He quit the weekly column and created a daily column and we are so lucky he chose this venue to continue his creative bent.
Thank God and Road Runner I found this blog.

Granny - unless I am mistaken, the Dems ar on the ballot, but they can't collect any convention delegates if they win.

lisrascal's link says Bill was impeached for "personal malfeasance". There is no such charge. The charge was perjury - lying under oath.

make that "are" (Arrrrr!)

pogo - 'lying under oath'? I thought he was on top.

No, Annie, I think he was just standing up.

Annie, I think the participants were, respectively, sitting and kneeling. And of course there was that game of "hide the cigar".

Annie, I thought he was standing up.

iggy - I could see that. I, too, am an addict, and would blog even if I weren't paid.

um...what iggy said. That would 'splain the gravitational pull of the blue dress.

*mixes up some fresh mojitos and passes 'em around along with extra Cuban ceegars*

Ducky, here ya go!

Knee pads!
We GAWT yer knee pads!
Presidential knee pads!
We GAWT em, right here!

PAID!! You get paid? No wonder your comments are so professional.

Where's them ceegars been?

Siouxie, I don't know why but when I read Dave-South Beach-mojitos, I figured he just interviewed you in his backyard and made the rest up.

After all, as you pointed out, South Beach is like that every night - though Dave didn't mention the roller skaters in thongs.

No?

pogo, fresh out of aCuban.

*stands up*

My name is Siouxie and I am a blogoholic.

The only thing more powerful than a black hole--a blue dress.

Thanks, Siouxie! I thought for a minute that no one saw me flap in.

LOL Jeff. You can't make that sh!t up.

Roller bladers in thongs and really really fugly people in Speedos™. It's not ALL a pretty sight.

Sorry, Dux - I don't mix drinks well. My bad.

Where exactly is South Beach? Near the MacArthur Causeway? When I lived in Miami (Cocoanut Grove) back in the early '60's, I don't recall the name South Beach.
May have been the "grow your own, roll your own" smokes.

igloo, when my grandmother lived on Lincoln Road it was definitely not the in, hip, happening spot, unless you were looking to score some M@@lox.

Iggy, SoBe is right as you get off the Causeway and before you hit the ocean. (5th St. up to Lincoln Rd (17th St).

If you lived in the Grove during the 60's, you were probably smokin' around Peacock Park, no?? That's where all the hippies used to gather. (I was too young).

grow your own? *has no idea what-so-ever what igloo is refer referring to*

Cheryl, from Oregon, 'blink-blinks' at 'grow-your-own'?
Dude, don't bogart the snorks, 'kay?

Me neither, Annie. Especially beer and hard liquor.

*moves far away from Cheryl to avoid being singed by the forthcoming lightning strike*

*snork* @ Ducky mixing drinks. If Oregon gets hit by lightning, all of Cali will have the munchies.

I'm always reminded of South Beach Leather, which makes great custom leather clothes. Apparently though they've branched out to some very creepy custom leather.

Thus the Fontainebleau was many blocks north of what is now South Beach.
I don't recall the name of the Park, but it was just East of the Grove, just down from the drug pharmacy, not to far from the Yacht Basin. Been many years, so my geography may be a little off.

Oh, good, Annie. Mummy's Day is just around the corner.

No, kidding. Who ordered the fava beans?

Iggy, that's the park. Right on the bay.

If I remember correctly, near the Drug Pharmacy, was a little theatre. Cocoanut Grove Playhouse? I think. Cocoanut Grove was quite the "artsy" community.

A White House desk and a blue-clad intern
I’m so stressed, I take a chance
A White House desk and a blue-clad intern
We’re all alone, for romance

Though she told me long ago
That nobody else would know
When she changed her dress it seems
Someone hatched a vicious scheme

A White House desk and a blue-clad intern
I’m in deep doo-doo, dude.

On this day of Primary Eve in Florida, we also mark the Challenger flight 22 years ago. I watched the launch just before I left the house to go teach a second period class. That was a difficult thing, looking out at 40 college kids having a great day and letting them know what had happened during first period.

I just re-heard Reagan's address from that evening.

One thing for sure, we'll hear nothing like that address from D.C. tonight.

God speed Challenger crew.

OK, back to gutter politics and talk about beans.

*snork* @ the Duckness!

CJ, good call. God speed Challenger and its crew.

*will be wearing my Dave Barry for President (Y, OTUS) T-shirt tomorrow as I vote*

*sneaking in my trusty Sharpie™ to add my nominees*

President: Dave Barry

Chief of Staff: Walter

Speaker of the House: judi

Amen, CJ. Excellent, Siouxie! If you make the evening news, let us know.

State of the Bunion tonight. Tahiti?

btw, Iggy? you're right. The Coconut Grove Playhouse is around there. Not sure if it's still running. It's been having financial probs lately. Close to that was the Coconut Grove Cinema. This is the little corner theater that showed Rocky Horror at midnight. I spent many a night in line for that. Good times!

lil, I believe it's the State of the Onion. Layered and still making us cry.

wow...looks at all the kiss asses people clapping.

I'll have one of those mojitos, please. It may be the only way I'll be able to make it through the State of the Goody Bag Funded By Other People's Money Union speech. Especially given the President's unfortunately poor public speaking ablilty.

On second thought: Make mine a double, por favor.

Wes, I'm right there with you. Barkeep?

*pours Wes a double Mojito and reminds him that Pres. W won't be required to say 'nuclear' much*

Sign of the Times.

Political junkie that I am, I won't be watching the State of the Union, tonight. I've already read the text, know whom the embarassing guests to be acknowledged will be... I even know that there will be a brilliant proposal for borrowing money from China to contribute $2B to a "Global Clean Energy" fund. Funny, that, borrowing $2B from China to give to a wasting international bureaucracy.

Now, if this was an actual state of the UNION address, the U.S. government would offer a $2B prize, winner take all, for the best design/build/implement strategy and that would be something I would watch. Could you imagine all of the private effort that would get invested in that competition and the dividends to be realized from all of the private efforts (not just the winner)?!! Sign of the Times that the best D.C. can offer is pouring another $2B down a rat hole with our grandkids paying the interest on the note.

Booger!

Now, Now, Siouxie.
Just 90 miles off our coast, ass kissing clapping for El Comandanté, is a matter of Life or Death.

*Really, really needs double mojito now*

*pours another one for the Duckness*

Nancy has had Botox™ she's smiling.

Snork. Michelle Malkin is liveblogging the President's speech, despite what she describes as a severe case of "Electile Dysfunction" as a result of President Bush...and all the people who want his job.

Somebody please give Michelle a mojito, too.

Siouxie, I was on the phone w/my brother when the SotU started, and we both agreed that Nancy better go easy on the cosmetic enhancements, or she'll end up looking like Joan Rivers.

*gratefully accepts mojito*

Snork again: Both Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi, visible behind the President, look like they're gamely trying not to throw up.

Finally: Bipartisanship has been restored to Washington.

Who told him No Child Left Behind is succeeding?

I think Cheney's playing a game of "How long can I go without blinking?"

Oops, he just blinked!

Iggy, I was born there...'member?? ;-)

"We must trust in the ingenuity and entreprenurship of American industry in developing a new source of clean energy." Uh-huh, right. So why isn't Bush proposing something like CJ's plan?

And an "international clean energy fund?" Why should we help China do a damned thing? And borrow money from them to do it?

Sheesh. Suddenly, I'm beginning to understand the Ron Paul-bots...

Opps, Sorry Siouxie. I wasn't aware of that.
Major Faux Pas by igloo.

Iggy? you did not know I was Cuban?? I have family there and I know Feedel makes the masses come out to rally for his "revolucion" with threats and "incentives". This is why I love the US and how we are free to agree and disagree without fear.

How much do we drink every time the moron he says "NuKular"?

*drink*

So Siouxie, how addicted to blogging are you?

Considering that I don't have a blog, how can I be 55% addicted?

Jeff, if you drink every time he says that you'll be dead inside of 10 minutes from alcohol poisoning. The President likes that word more than Jack Bauer likes "Damnit!"

*will drink in honor of our President*

see? we can still drink and disagree.

*SMACKS* Jeff oops..where did that hand come from??

Damnit, Janet Jack?! *drinks!*

Also, I am bummed. I only came out 78% addicted to blogging!!

OK, I've caved in to peer pressure and turned it on. In HD. Nancy looks like she's trying to stand up before Cheney does.

OK, I caqn't watch anymore.

*switches over to Food Network*

It's fun to read, here, while mostly watching "Great Railroad Journeys" on PBS. Here's the thing: as American citizens, how much do you figure we have poured into West Virginia, just during Robert Byrd's tenure? Still, WV can't keep most of it's smarter kids and "Health Care" is among the biggest employers, there.

Why do we have a giant facility in North Florida for converting dirty WV coal into Clean Coal? Why do we send un-ending amounts of money to WV, where the dig dirty coal out of the mountains and ship it down to us in leaky gondola cars? Why on earth hasn't Virginia Polytechnical Institute, once a great school (now Virginia Tech) set up class projects all around those mountains so that they can have local Clean Coal plants with jobs with great futures?

Well, because those folks wouldn't have to keep Byrd in the Senate, any longer, if they didn't need him to send them D.C. boondoggles. It just amazes me when I work in WV and see the waste, then down here in FL and see us having to convert their hill-draggings into something that is reasonably fit to burn, then imagine all of the waste in transporting all of their raw ore down here out of leaky coal cars and barges. Flinstonian.

Instead of cleaning up mining and cleaning up the coal before it leaves the mines, creating bazillions of local, safer, indoor, year-round jobs, let's pay $2B into an International Clean Energy Program.

Is it over, yet?

37%

HA! I can quit at anytime.

YAY! W!!!

*proud to be a Cuban American*

Gawd I love that man ;-)

Uh. Fred Barnes on Fox was just on claiming that Bush just gave an "extremely conservative speech" full of tens - hundreds, even! - of dollars in increased government spending, lots of big-government programs and a harebrained multibillion-dollar "international clean-energy fund" to fight global warming. So where's the conservatism?

Another mojito, please. Another drink or three more, and maybe then I won't feel the pain of having my wallet repeatedly and forcibly violated in the spirit of bipartisanship...so much.

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