Dave Barry's Blog

WHAT IT SHOULD PLAY IS THE TWILIGHT ZONE MUSIC

(Thanks to Steve Pietrowicz)

(Note to support staff: "Classical" music?)

KILLER CELL-PHONE UPDATE

Turns out it was not the phone that killed the guy. It was a truck. We are always getting those two things confused.

(Thanks to Howard from Broward and Brainy Jello)

SPEAKING OF BEER:

It can be dangerous.

(Thanks to Phil Snyder

THE GREAT BEER HEIST

He won't get far.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and John Regan)

THEY HAD BETTER BE INSIDE CLEAR, ONE-QUART RESEALABLE PLASTIC BAGS

(Thanks to jon harris)

KIND OF LIKE WHAT LED TO THE BOSTON TEA PARTY, EXCEPT IT'S TOILET PAPER

A taxpayer wins one.

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

THEY ARE UP TO SOMETHING

This morning, in my driveway, I found this:

HO HO HO

Santa has to wear a seatbelt.

Key Quote That Made This Blog Think of the Previous Item:  Every Christmas Eve he whizzes around the world...

(Thanks to Siouxie)

EVEN BETTER THAN WALKING AROUND WITH A GIANT NETWORK FOLLOWING YOU

Cell Phones Locate London Loos

Key Quote: The council said it hopes the service will stop people from urinating in alleyways, saying some 10,000 gallons of urine ends up in Westminster streets each year.

Reaction To Key Quote: Yuck.

(Thanks to many people)

IT'S GOOD TO BE A GUY ANTELOPE

Key Quote: Some males are so forcefully pursued by pushy females that they refuse the advances of previous partners.

(Thanks to gfunksizzle)

HOLIDAY MIRACLE

Lost Bracelet Found Inside Chicken

(Thanks to DavCat and xmnr)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for: Sick Ram and the Ancient Bioweapons

(Thanks to again to -- speaking of sick -- CJRun)

WE CHOOSE TO LOOK AT THE UPSIDE

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

OK, BUT...

...most guys already have one.

(Thanks to jon harris)

WE WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR HALF THAT

Scotland pays $250,000 for a new slogan.

(Thanks to CJRun)

DANG

For a moment there, we were excited.

(Thanks to Laurie)

MAYBE THEY'LL REDUCE THE CHARGES

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOPHIE'S NOTE TO SANTA

We found this propped up on the sink in the guest bathroom, which I guess is the one Sophie figures Santa would use.

NOW WE KNOW IT'S THE HOLIDAY SEASON

The bocken cam is up.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

CRUCIFIX OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Art Chimes, who observes: "Hail Mary, full of bytes")

ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF EARTH

You might want to think about moving.

(Also thanks to Siouxie)

SPLOTT, CARDIFF

Keeping the Streets Safe

(Also thanks to DavCat)

WHAT ABOUT THE RETURN POLICY?

(Thanks to DavCat and gjd)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

(Also thanks to Siouxie)

'TIS THE SEASON

...for drunken moose.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys do useful stuff.

(Thanks to weaselboy)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using arsonist armadillos, which would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to DavCat)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE WILL BE SENT...

...to this major appliance.

(Thanks to Gretchen DeJarnett)

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS...

...is often alcohol-related.

Key Quote: A fracas broke out at Hogs and Heifers Saloon on Monday night when a little person in an Oompa Loompa costume took offense at being called a midget.

(Thanks to Mike)

FOOTBALL-COACH NAME OF THE DAY SO FAR

Houston Nutt

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE NEWS FROM ENGLAND

Madonna has been baaad.

(Thanks to Laurie)

WHY THEY DON'T SHOW THE ENTIRE MACY'S THANKSGIVING PARADE ON TV

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

MEN:

Whatever  you do, do NOT click here.

(Thanks to Claire Martin, a woman)

THE PAST

It can come back to haunt you.

(Thanks to Tom in Maine)

ATTENTION, COUPLES WHO WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER

Here you go. Literally.

(Via Gizmodo)

ATTENTION, RUSSIAN RAILROAD PASSENGERS

Anybody missing anything?

(Thanks to Expat Canuck)

YIKES

(Via Gizmodo)

FLORIDA

Where Even the Litter is Different

(Thanks to Chaz Schlueter)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A BAND

Inseam Blowout and the Combat Pants

(Thanks to Nancy Lambert and DavCat)

LEGAL RULING OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"Everyone is going to jail."

(Thanks to Siouxie)

BUSINESS NEWS UPDATE

This just in.

(Thanks to Joshua Evans)

NOT EVEN CLOSE

According to this article, researchers estimate that the average woman spends a total of three years getting ready to go out. This is ridiculous. I personally, have waited longer than that in a single evening.

(Thanks to Lardog)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to DeskDiva)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Soon we will have no fundamental human rights left.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO VIRGINIA MOTORISTS

We have a problem.

(Thanks to DavCat)

MEMPHIS

City of Exciting Nightlife

(Thanks to Weaselboy, who cites this Key Quote: “They come to the window, 'Tap, tap, tap.' I'm still ignoring them," Brisco told WMC-TV. "I guess that just pissed them off worser.")

WE'RE CALLING OUR TRAVEL AGENT

(Thanks to John Regan)

SARASOTA COUNTY COMMISSIONERS

Groping the Issues

(Thanks to Jennifer Johnson)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

SPORTSPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Key Quote Indicating Naivete or Cluelessness on the Part of Authorities: Authorities don't know why Clifford E. Clark III, 47, of Knoxville, allegedly put three bullet holes in the Redflex Traffic Systems camera.

Maybe he thought it was a coyote.

(Thanks to Mike)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO "MIND THE GAP?"

"We would like to remind our American tourist friends that you are
almost certainly talking too loudly."

(Thanks to GungaDan and jon harris)

WOOF

(Also thanks to Siouxie)

NORTH KOREA

A Very Strict Place

(Thanks to DavCat)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the little furred bastards are infiltrating our homes.

(Thanks to Mot the Hoople)

ANOTHER LEAP FORWARD FOR MEDICINE

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WE CANNOT BELIEVE WE MISSED THIS STORY

From the March 22 Houston Chronicle:

A man accused of leaving an El Lago restaurant without paying his tab was arrested a short time later on a trespassing charge by the Lakeview Police Department.

According to a police report, an employee at Gabacho's Mexican Restaurant in the 4400 block of NASA Parkway called police to report the theft.

When officers responded, they learned that the man was seen walking toward a vacant building on the other side of the road after leaving the restaurant.

Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out, "Marco."

The man's name was not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said. Instead, "the officer was trying to inject some humor into the situation."

Police found the suspect after he responded, "Polo."

 

(Thanks to Claire Martin,  via oomsa, with further research by Ms. J. Smith)

"LUCKIEST TEENAGER IN INDIA"

That's not the term this blog would use.

WARNING: Cringe-inducing photo and words.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE HAVE GOT TO CUT DOWN ON SATURATED FATS

(Thanks to fivver)

HUH! HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

FIGHT GLOBAL WARMING

Pee in the sea.

(Thanks to CJRun)

SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT

(Thanks to Christine White)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A BAND

Flaming Lingerie

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

IT'S MONDAY, AFTER A LONG WEEKEND

Time to get productive.

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

ROCK BAND FINANCES

They're complicated.

(Thanks to Philip Snyder)

PEOPLE ARRESTED FOR DUI:

Know your rights.

WARNING: Do  not play this video in your office.

(Also thanks to DavCat)

BEAUTY PAGEANTS

Not for the Weak

(Thanks to DavCat)

SOUTH FLORIDA POLITICAL LEADERS

They take action.

THE APOCALYPSE

It has reached Greenlawn, NY.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'RE PRETTY SURE THIS ALREADY IS THE NAME OF A ROCK BAND

Monkey Meat

(Thanks to sjhaller)

NO NEED TO SEND A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

He already has one.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

YOU CAN HAVE OUR VACUUM CLEANER WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM OUR COLD, DEAD FINGERS

(Thanks, yet again, to DavCat)

IT'S A GOOD THING THIS BLOG HAS A STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

Because otherwise we would be tempted to link to this.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

WHY WE LOVE THE HOLIDAY SEASON

In a word: joy.

(Thanks, yet again, to DavCat)

HAR

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

ATTENTION NEW YORK CITY PEDESTRIANS

Watch out for stray voltage (which would be a good name for a rock band).

Key Quote: Police and EMS confirmed Bedell was brought to Lincoln Hospital where officers said they noticed a smell of something burning on him.

(Also thanks to DavCat)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

They have reached a new low.

Here's a photo of the headless Babe.

(Thanks to DavCat)

ATTENTION HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

Here you go.

SOME STORIES JUST REEK OF THE ESSENCE OF FLORIDA

This is one of those stories.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Brad)

WHEN FLYING CANS OF GRAVY ARE OUTLAWED

...only outlaws will have flying cans of gravy.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHEW

(Thanks to Doc Rick)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

Upbeat worms.

(Which also would be a good name for a rock band.)

(Thanks to vkellner)

IN ADDITION TO BEING A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND, THESE BABIES CAN SPIT 500 YARDS

Combat Camels

(Thanks to Barbara A.)

ATTENTION HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

"This is your chance to make your family, the entire party or an entire office cry with laughter."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HE HAS OUR VOTE

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

SPORTSPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STARRING DANNY DEVITO

The Case of the Giant Hairball

(Thanks to shawna and Cheryl Howard and Layla Bohm and chicomathmom AND Esther)

IF YOU CAN'T BE WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE

...love any nearby inanimate object.

(Thanks to Annette Gaudreau, who asks, "Is there a sudden shortage of women? First the guy with the bike, and now this.")

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PROTEST CONCEPT?

(Thanks to sjhaller)

Update: That story somehow seems related to this one. (Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION?

Key Quote: "To the celebratory rhythms of a percussionist beating on toilets..."

(Thanks to tavesawyer and Cheryl Howard)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THERE IS NO EXCITING NIGHTLIFE IN CANADA

...this blog begs to differ.

(Also thanks to W. von Papineau)

ATTENTION, BUSINESSES WISHING TO RAISE THE, UM, MORALE OF MALE EMPLOYEES

Take a tip from Taiwan.

(Also thanks to DavCat and Jeff Meyerson)

TALK ABOUT YOUR CRACK DETECTIVE WORK

A suspect is identified from a video of his buttocks.

(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO OHIO MOTORISTS

Carry a spare gazelle.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

BLACK FRIDAY ADVISORY

Bed careful out there, shoppers.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

...from us to you.
In our house, we were up early, reading the newspaper ads just as the Pilgrims did.

SOON TO BE A FULL-LENGTH ANIMATED FEATURE

Cooking With Pooh

(Thanks to DavCat)

And just in case you were wondering if this is an actual book...)

MEN VS WOMEN

You know how when things aren't going well in your friend's life, or day, or whatever? And he or she complains a little about them to you, because you are always willing to lend a sympathetic ear if it gets you out of doing any work? So then, when it's your turn to talk, because you care, you say, "I'm sorry."? You know?

If the other person is a woman, she will respond, "Thanks. Yeah, it sucks." Or some such response, often followed by a continuing litany, but the point is: She recognizes what you meant.

Whereas if the other person is a man, when you say "I'm sorry," he will respond, "It's not your fault."

This is merely an observation. We shall leave the sexist interpretation of this fact, and subsequent flinging of angry rhetoric back and forth, to the commenters of either competing gender.

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

(Thanks to sjhaller)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using jellyfish.

(Thanks to Meanie the Blue)

IT SEEMS TO US...

...that these people need to contact these people.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)

WISCONSIN

Where Beer Is Important

(Thanks to Rob Johnson and sjhaller)

WE DON'T CARE IF THIS THING LIVED 390 MILLION YEARS AGO

We're staying out of the sea.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION TAXPAYERS, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO TRAVEL BY AIR:

Want to avoid stress? Then do not click on this.

THE CRAPCAM: A TECHNICAL EVALUATION

OK, here is a photo of last night's Hannah Montana concert, taken for the Miami Herald by Emily Michot:

And, here, once again, is the CrapCam photo I took of roughly the same scene:

I frankly do not see any difference.

MAYBE THIS WOMAN...

...could hook up with this guy.

Key Name: "Hardwick"

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

THE APOCALYPSE

It is definitely here.

(Thanks to Siouxie)
 
WARNING: Do not click this link before, during or after breakfast.

LEAST COMPREHENSIBLE HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Denton County guinea pig rescuers want on jury pay list

(Thanks to D**C**)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using predatory Christmas-tree wasps.

(Thanks, yet again, to DavCat)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

ATTENTION, LADIES:

He's single.

(Thanks to Moo Kow)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Cornslide

(Also thanks to DavCat)

YOU WOULDN'T THINK THAT ANTS EVEN NEED APHRODISIACS

(Thanks to DavCat)

HANNAH MONTANA WRAPUP

The girls squealed and bounced up and down like little Whack-a-Moles all the way through the concert. It was actually a pretty good show; here's the Herald review, by Howard Cohen. My lone complaint was this woman I ended up behind in the line for concert merchandise when I went to get posters for the girls. This woman had surgically enhanced lips that made her look like she was wearing military face pontoons, and she wanted to buy a T-shirt, but first she wanted to see, and discuss, and compare, and discuss some more, every single one of the roughly 20 different T-shirts they had. She would look at one for a good two minutes -- holding it up, turning it around, examining the label -- and then she would say to the saleswoman, "So do you think a 13-year-old would like this?" And the saleswoman, seeing that there were people waiting in line behind this woman, would say yes. Pontoon Lips would look at the shirt some more, then say, "Can you get me the purple one again? With the sleeves?" And the line would groan. But other than that, it was a nice evening. The girls giggled and squealed all the way home.

UPDATE

Here is an exclusive CrapCam photo of Hannah Montana. Or a boat explosion. Either way, it's quality entertainment.

UPDATE

Somewhere in this exclusive CrapCam photo is the opening act, a band called the Jonas Brothers. They are hugely popular with young girls, based on the screaming level in this arena, which is undoubtedly interfering with air traffic.
NOTE: This photo could also be of a recently discovered galaxy. There is no way to tell.

UPDATE

We're here. There is much screaming and many media persons covering this important story.These people are crowding imto a tent to buy Hannah Montana merchandise.

HANNAH MONTANA

Mrs. Blog, using Connections, was able to get some tickets to the Hannah Montana concert tonight. This is sort of like getting an audience with the Pope, only more difficult. Also the Pope does not lip-sync. But the point is, I'm about to get into a car and drive to the concert with Mrs. Blog and three insanely excited 7-year-old girls. I will attempt to post updates from the concert, assuming my body does not disintegrate from the combined shriekage of thousands of other insanely excited girls. Wish me luck.

19,497

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

A GIANT LEAP FORWARD FOR MANKIND

The Voice-Controlled Blender

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

WE MAY HAVE BLOGGED THIS ALREADY

But, dammit, we need to blog it again.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

Update: And there is this (thanks to Paul Willhite). But please stop sending this, because we blogged it already today.

SANDUSKY

Where The News Never Stops

LAS VEGAS

City of Culture

(Thanks to Siouxie)

DEPARTMENT OF THINGS YOU PROBABLY WERE NOT AWARE OF

The Papal Tractor

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they want to take away our fundamental right to freedom of expression in the form of messages written on cheerleaders' bloomers.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ADVISORY TO CUSTOMERS OF BLONDIE'S BAR

Don't argue about your order.

WARNING TO MEN: Do not click on this link.

INNOVATIVE CANADIAN IDEA OF THE WEEK SO FAR

...because diesel engines don't smell bad enough already.

(Also thanks to DavCat)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Andrex the Loo-Roll Stowaway Piglet

(Thanks to Siouxie)

BEER

It's not just for humans.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here, who asks everyone to remember, during Thanksgiving week, to give thanks for the fact that that no matter how bad things may seem, they could be worse.)

SQUIRREL TERRORISTS

Now they're coordinating their attacks.

(Also thanks to DavCat and Andrew Hoenig)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Exploding Bladders

(Thanks to DavCat)

ONLY IN MIAMI

"Castro killed here over a billion times."

THE WRITERS GUILD MAY NOT WIN THE STRIKE

But they're definitely making the best videos.

(Thanks to Beth Armogida)

AND THE POINT IS...

(Thanks to Larry Martell, who asks, "Why do we need a female robot to do this?")

UPDATE FROM THE HEARTLAND

From DeskDiva:

Recently I attended a church retreat at Prairie Star Ranch in Williamsburg, KS.  It’s a beautiful place, and the main entrance area has a nice foyer with restrooms off the sides.  The signs for each are right outside the restroom door.  One set of signs is rather commonsensical, in my opinion, but the other…well, it defies explanation.  See my attached crapcam photos for clarification!

COMING SOON

Crouching Dragon, Hidden Toilet

(Via Gizmodo)

RHETORICAL QUESTION FOR TODAY

"Why don't we drink rat's milk?" asks Heather Mills.

(Thanks to Trouble, who states, "And I vote Heather gets the job milking them.")

DUH, PART II

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

WE NEVER GOT TO SQUEEZE HIM GOODBYE

Mr. Whipple is gone.

(Thanks to DeskDiva and John Regan)

WELL, DUH

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

NEVERTHELESS, AN HOUR LATER THEY WERE HUNGRY AGAIN

Whoops.

(Thanks to Siouxie and Expat Canuck)

MMM

Spit-roasted camel.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using boars.

(Thanks to gahick)

IMPORTANT INVENTIONS THAT WOULD NOT EXIST WITHOUT GUYS

The gasoline-powered blender.

Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy, who says:

I shot this video yesterday during a tailgate party up in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
I had one of these served to me at an earlier game in the middle of a snow-filled tailgate party. You have not lived until you've had a frozen drink served to you from a lawn mower-powered blender by a from V.P. of Oshkosh B'Gosh when the temperature is about 23 degrees outside.
WARNING: Mild swearing at the end.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

From Mr. Jeff Arch:

How come in all the westerns i've seen, nobody ever robs the saloon? They're always robbing stagecoaches and banks, and then going to a place that has not only money, but then they give it more money by buying  liquor that they could just go ahead and steal. Then they'd have the liquor and the money. Why would a guy shoot up innocent citizens and then go pay for a drink?

 

ATTENTION, GUYS WHO ARE CONCERNED ABOUT HUMAN RIGHTS

Here's a cause you can support.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

And we don't want to know.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

GUYS

They're such romantics.

(Thanks to Afkat and Siouxie)

LET THE CELEBRATION BEGIN

Today is World Toilet Day. You know what to do.

(Thanks to kibby F5)

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING (AND YOU KNOW YOU WERE) ABOUT THE GUY ACCUSED OF HAVING SEX WITH A BICYCLE

He got probation.

We don't know what happened to the bicycle, but we hope it wound up in a good home.

(Thanks to Rick)

WE ARE LINKING TO THIS SITE ONLY BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW INTERESTED YOU ALL ARE IN STANDARDS AND METROLOGY

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

HEY, WE CAN QUIT ANY TIME

(Thanks to Eleanor, and Mr. Ridley Pearson)

HO HO HO

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here, who says, "When I saw him in the catalog, I thought of Walter.")

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY HAVE NOTHING TO CONTRIBUTE

This blog violently disagrees.

(Thanks to Nate West)

GIANT BRASSIERE UPDATE

According to this story, sent in by many people, a British retailer is considering selling a J-cup brassiere for  woman with large endowments. This is old news, as far as this blog is concerned. Some of you may recall that when Ridley and I were strumpeting for our book last year at Books and Books in Coral Gables, somebody gave us a brassiere large enough for two separate people.

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this motorist.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE ARISTOCRAT

WARNING: Do not read this item if you are eating, or plan to ever eat again. Also do not watch the video.

WARNING UPDATE: I have been asked to upgrade the warning to the Highest Possible Warning Level (HPWL) which is: DO NOT READ THIS ITEM FOR ANY REASON, EVER. IF YOU HAVE ALREADY READ THIS ITEM, YOU SHOULD IMMEDIATELY TAKE STEPS TO TRAVEL BACKWARD IN TIME TO A POINT BEFORE WHEN YOU READ THIS ITEM.

Key Name: Carl Scarberry

(Thanks to DavCat)

ONE MAJOR BENEFIT OF 7-YEAR-OLDS

Puppet shows.

THOSE DAMN SQUIRRELS

Now they're pretending to be orangutans.

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Attack of the Killer Yawn

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

Robot cockroaches.

(Thanks to many people)

MARITAL PROBLEMS?

Put egg in your underpants.

(Thanks to DavCat and Kaffy)

WHY WE LOVE BRITISH TELEVISION

It's more sophisticated.

THANKSGIVING IS COMING

Can we enhance our productivity and do something good at the same time, this week?

YAYYY

I am, incredibly, back in Miami. I know this because (seriously) I just saw a driver on a 6-lane highway (Le Jeune, for those of you who know Miami) make a sudden left turn from the extreme right-hand lane, causing my taxi driver to yell at him in Creole. Home!
You folks have a good weekend.

"HEY, REPO MAN"

(Thanks to Lynn Burlingame and H from B who points out that doughnuts were involved.)

TRAVEL ADVISORY

If you are offered a choice between trying to fly out of La Guardia on the Friday before Thanksgiving, and waterboarding, go with waterboarding.

SPIDEY-KID OF THE FREAKING DECADE

(Thanks to Recovering 24 Addict)

SPIDEY-UPDATE from Elizabeth Barton

REMEMBER THE WOMAN WHO GOT ALL THAT PUBLICITY BECAUSE SOUTHWEST AIRLINES TOLD HER THAT HER OUTFIT WAS TOO REVEALING?

You will never guess what she has done.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHEN STAPLERS ARE OUTLAWED...

(Thanks to Siouxie)

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

Hundreds of bottles of Jack Daniel's whiskey, some of it almost 100 years old, may be unceremoniously poured down a drain because authorities suspect it was being sold by someone without a license.

(Thanks to weaselboy and Cheryl Howard)

WE'RE CERTAINLY CALLING OUR TRAVEL AGENT

(Thanks to Ron Barrett)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Siouxie)

GUYS

They're all the same.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NOW THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT

(Thanks to Heather)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the little furred bastards are amphibious.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, STARBUCKS

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Seems to us we have already encountered a similar concept.

THANKSGIVING IS COMING

Be thankful if you are not old enough to remember 1977.

(Thanks to Mike the weaselboy)

NOTHING SAYS "THANKSGIVING"

...like The Turkey Cannon.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve, via Gizmodo)

DISAPPOINTING AND POSSIBLY CRIMINALLY MISLEADING¹ URL OF THE DAY

www.menlove.com

(Thanks to Michael Ester)

¹(But perhaps their motto makes up for it)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

HO HO HO

(Thanks to Jack Brown and Siouxie and DavCat and RussellMc and Drew Harchick)

THE PEOPLE OF IOWA WILL GET BACK TO THE IMPORTANT WORK OF CHOOSING OUR NEXT PRESIDENT

...just as soon as they get the pigs off the streets.

(Also thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IN KEEPING WITH THIS BLOG'S STRICT POLICY OF NOT MAKING FUN OF NAMES

We are linking to this site solely because we think it is an important business to know about.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

(Thanks to Esther)

WHY GUYS ARE LOYAL TO THEIR UNDERPANTS

Because you never know.

(Thanks to DavCat)

LITERARY UPDATE

We spoke yesterday at a school near St. Louis. One of the students, a fourth-grader named Emma, drew this excellent picture of a scene from our book, featuring a giant snake and a flying, pooping camel.

ST. LOUIS UPDATE

We had a fine event tonight at the St. Louis County Library in Frontenac. Several Blogsters were on hand, including two young people known as the BlogKids, who are allowed to read this blog only when we are blogging about 24. They brought these cookies:

Here's a photo of the BlogKids with their mom:

And here's a photo of blogsterette Novanglus, who brought a pie (we are going to weigh 2,038 pounds apiece when this book tour ends). I don't know where Ridley's hand is:

OVERHEARD...

...just now in a St. Louis steak restaurant, spoken by a waiter to a customer: "Are you a man that likes a lot of marbling?"

WHAT GUYS DO WHEN THEY HAVE A LOT OF MONEY

They use it to make the world better.

(Thanks to Patrick Kelly)

(Yes, this is old; yes, we have probably blogged it before. But some things need to be blogged again.)

WHY PEOPLE HATE WINDOWS

Let's say you're in kind of a hurry. Let's say, hypothetically, that you're on a book tour in St. Louis, and you have a radio interview in 15 minutes. Let's say you find a table at a cafe outside the radio station, and you decide to use those 15 minutes to turn on your laptop computer and get through some email. Then let's say the radio people come out and say please come in now, it's time to go on the air. So you press the switch to turn off the computer, your plan being to race inside and do the interview. Except instead of turning itself off, your computer does this:

Would it be so hard to program Windows to ask you if this is a convenient time?

(To all of you Apple people who are getting ready to inform me in the comments that Apple doesn't do this: I know, I know.)

STRUMPDATE

According to the Amazing Steve¹, Dave and Ridley may be heard here momentarily.

¹who apparently knows more about their book tour than the s.b.

UPDATE from Tha Amazing Steve:

DOH!

They changed the schedule!   They were already on!

http://www.kmox.com/pages/11181.php?

You can see this under "Best of KMOX" on the right side.

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Today Ridley and I are strumpeting in St. Louis, which has many attractions.

THE BBC: GETTING DESPERATE FOR NEWS?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Penny)

ADVISORY TO OHIO MOTORISTS

Watch out for the haunted gas station.

(Thanks to Kaurie MacElroy)

MIAMI

It's not like where you live.

(Thanks to Mrs. Blog)

THIS IS PROBABLY A MOVING VIOLATION

...but nobody's going to tell them that.

(Also thanks to Siouxie)