Dave Barry's Blog

LAST TODAY SHOW UPDATE, I SWEAR

Turns out they have a blog, too.

RULES FOR SALESPERSONS

Right: Wonderful and it fits you nicely!

Wrong: Just go away.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Larry Gainey)

THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE DAY

(Thanks to Bill Galeckas)

UPDATE, thanks to David Cassel

SCIENCE PROJECT OF THE WEEK

The Earwax Map

(Thanks to DavCat)

THIS JUST IN

Russia's special dairy moose provide healthy product.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

TODAY SHOW UPDATE

This exclusive backstage CrapCam photo was taken moments after I gave some hair and makeup tips to a stunned and grateful Ann Curry.

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

They make do.

(Thanks to DavCat)

UPDATE: And they arrrrrrrrrre creative.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

TODAY UPDATE

I just went to where they put on your makeup, and when the makeup guy was done, he said to the hair guy, "Do you want to do anything to his hair?"
And the hair guy said, quote, "I'll try."

I'm now supposed to be on at 9:45 (a.m.) (I assume). My hair has chemicals in it.

ARRRR YE WATCHIN' THE TODAY SHOW?

Have ye checked yer local listings?

ARRRRRRR

Arrrr.

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Attack of the Death Hamster

GOATS IN THE NEWS

They're evading police in Decatur, and developing extra limbs in Africa.

IT'S TOMARRRRRRRRRROW

I'm in New York City; tomorrow I'm scheduled to be on The Today Show at 9:35 a.m. Eastern New York City Time with Mr. Al Roker. I don't think we'll be talking like pirates, because the purpose of this trip, paid for by good old Uncle Publisher, is to strumpet for my book. But maybe I can slip in a shivering timber or something.

YUM

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT; RIDE THE SLUT

(Thanks to many, many alert readers)

EBAY ITEM OF THE WEEK

(Thanks to funniegrrl)

BUT TOMORROW'S TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

ARRRRRR

(Thanks to bruce)

PEOPLE: DISGUSTING SLIMEBUCKETS OR FILTHY DOLTS?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks a big freaking heap to Mary Allen. We did not need to know that 58% of people in this country do not wash their hands after petting dogs and cats, nor that a whopping 25% admit they don't wash after changing a diaper.)

THE DARWIN AWARDS

This guy lived, but if he hadn't, he'd have won.

(Thanks to Rayne of the message board)

LEGISLATOR OF THE YEAR

It's hard to believe he's not from South Florida.

(Thanks to many fearless readers)

MAMMOTH DUNG WBAGNFARB

As would Prehistoric Goo, in this s.b.'s opinion.

(Thanks to Phil Snyder)

MARTIAL ARTIST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

If criminals ever attempt to attack this man with wooden toilet-seat lids, they will be sorry.

24

In last week's episode, Jack ended up dressed as Batman. (Don't ask.) (And don't tell.)  Edgar is still dead. We now give you The Increasingly Amazing Steve™.

FORT WORTH UPDATE

I entertained the crowd with a show of strength.

FORT WORTH STRUMPETING UPDATE

The Blog says:  This is an excellent barbecue place in Fort Worth called Angelo's.

A MAN WALKS INTO AN AIRPORT WITH A MONGOOSE, A LEOPARD, AND A FLAMINGO...

(Thanks to DavCat)

VIDEO OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Laura Wenham)

KIDS THESE DAYS

Why, in my day, we had to...never mind.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

NPR NOW

Perhaps you can hear strumpeting.

CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT

At least the victims violators don't have to watch QVC between songs.

(Thanks to many alert readers)

JUST DOING THEIR JOB HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko

OOPSIE!

STRUMPET ADVISORY

I'll be on the road this week, strumpeting for my book, which by the way is for sale. So blogging from me will be haphazard (which is to say, normal). I'm hoping judi will pick up the slack, if she's not too busy.

Meanwhile, a couple of reminders:

-- Tonight at 9 Eastern Thigh Puncture Time I assume the Amazing Steve will be presenting another episode of 24.

-- Wednesday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. You will want to be ready.

NOBODY IS SAFE THIS WEEK

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who notes that the apocalypse is apparently under way)

Update at 8:45 Eastern Apocalypse Time: He's on TV right now. He's singing It Never Rains in Southern California.

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Photography Studio War

Key Quote: Leany said he started getting angry at the owner of Studio West Photography a dozen years ago. He said Karl Hugh was "verbally trashing me" and stole his pageantry photography business this summer for the Miss Iron County competition.

Action Highlight: He slept Thursday night at his studio with a video camera ready.

(Thanks to Bill Guy)

FIREFIGHTERS

We do NOT pay them enough.

(Thanks to Siobhan Shea)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using unauthorized underwear. Fortunately, the U.S. is probing these briefs.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

JOIN THE AUSTRALIAN NAVY

And get breast implants.

Key Quote: "We do consider the broader needs of our people."

(Thanks to Phil Snyder)

IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS

In real life, it doesn't work out the same way as in the song.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...

...for the Pot-Smoking Cows.

(Also thanks to DavCat14)

IT HAS GOT TO STOP

DWCE (Driving While Cereal-Eating)

(Thanks to DavCat14)

POTENTIALLY IMPORTANT NEW WEAPON IN THE WAR ON SQUIRRELS

(Thanks to Siouxie)

"FORGET ABOUT DISNEY WORLD, KIDS!"

"We're going to see the Sen. Larry Craig Toilet Stall!"

Key Quote: "It's become a tourist attraction," said Karen Evans, information specialist at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. "People are taking pictures."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat14)

NO, BUT THANKS FOR ASKING!

OJ: DUMBER THAN GRAVEL?

Apparently.

ATTENTION ALL BURPPP UNITS

Get over to Harvey.

DOG OWNERS

Don't mess with them.

(Photo here)

LET'S HOPE THEY DON'T ASK OREGON WHAT TO DO

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

SPORTS UPDATE

When Ducks Go Bad

(Thanks to Howard)

Update: In other sports news, we have this alarming development (thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)