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September 25, 2007

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

When a guy has a dispute, he figures out how to resolve it without involving a bunch of pesky lawyers.

(Thanks to USUaggie)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Key Quote: Under California law if he's convicted he must serve a mandatory minimum of five days in jail.

Wait a minute... that would be five seasons.

(Thanks to many people)

YUM

Snake Head 'n' Beans

(Thanks to ubetcha)

MACON

Proud for a Reason

(Thanks to DavCat14)

BECAUSE IT'S THERE

Couple Climbs Mountains Naked

Key Quote About A Better World: "It would be a world where you could strip naked whenever and wherever you want without a second thought. And that's what I try to do. I just feel like doing it rather a lot..."

(Thanks to many people)

LUMPY SQUIRRELS

According to this article, lumpy squirrels are natural. We quote:

Lumpy squirrels natural

A question that we often get this time of year concerns small, unsightly lumps protruding from underneath the skin of Eastern gray squirrels. Biologists call the lumps "warbles," which some folks mistake for tumors.

But biologists with the state Wildlife Resources Division say that warbles are a natural occurrence in squirrels this time of year.

This blog begs to differ with biologists with the state Wildlife Resources Division. This blog believes that they (the squirrels) (also possibly biologists with the state Wildlife Resources Division) are up to something.

(Thanks to Revie)

THIS IS HAPPENING WAY TOO OFTEN LATELY

Key Quote: Despite his shock and pain, the man managed to pull on his trousers and ride his motorcycle to a nearby hospital.

He rode a motorcycle.

September 24, 2007

24

In last week's episode, Jack, Chloe, Bill and Morris ended up in The Office. Incredibly, they did not kill Dwight. Speaking of being dead: Edgar still is. We give you now The™ Amazing™ Steve™.

ALL ABOARD THE GEEZER BUS

Once upon a time, there was a baby. His daddy wrote a column about the baby finding really disgusting things on the floor and putting them in his mouth. The daddy suggested stockpiling semi-disgusting things to use in trade, to get the really disgusting things away from the baby. This made the s.b. laugh and laugh, and write down the daddy's name in case he ever wrote something else funny like that.

The years go by. The daddy writes more funny stuff about the boy playing with He-Man toys, the boy and his diplodocus, his first day of school, and his experiences with Little League, helium, helicopters, middle-school parties and, of course, the weinermobile. The s.b. laughs.

Then one day, all of a sudden, the boy is teaching a class at the Miami Herald. About a program he wrote. It's a very useful program that lets us put stuff on a map.

But it is definitely not funny. Not funny at all.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING THAT TV PROGRAMMING MAKES YOU SICK?

Well, don't click on this.

(Thanks to fivver)

REMEMBER THE OLD JOKE THAT BEGINS: "WHY DO FOOTBALL GAMES HAVE CHEERLEADERS?"

The answer was: "To make the fans root harder." Which of course could be punctuated several ways. Anyway, this story reminds this blog of that.

(Thanks to Sean)

THIS IS THE GUY I ALWAYS SIT NEXT TO ON THE PLANE

Key Quote: "I discovered the bathroom had hot water, so I thought of taking a bath, since I hadn't had one for nearly a week," he explained.

(Also thanks to Siouxie)

WHEN LACTATION IS OUTLAWED

...only outlaws will lactate.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ATTENTION, GUYS WISHING TO ATTRACT HOT BABES

Try the monkey method.

(Thanks to David Miesen)

A HEADLINE THAT BEGS THE QUESTION

Why do they think burglars would want to steal a goat behind?

In Other Goat News: Nanny is still on the lam.

SO TRUE

Key Quote The Makes Us Wish We Knew What a Sultana Is: "I've seen men coming in with (testicles) the size of a sultana and they haven't realised (it's a problem).

Update: Here, thanks to Lisa Gibson, is the Wikipedia entry on sultana.

STRUMPET

Strumpet. Strumpet.

Also, of course, strumpet.

September 23, 2007

CRIME IN YORKTOWN, INDIANA

It's getting ugly.

(Also thanks to Siouxie)

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT "CRACK"

(Thanks to Siouxie)

PARENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A mom who gets involved.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS REALLY A FUN WEDDING

(Thanks to Neil G)

IS THAT AN IGUANA IN YOUR LEG?

Or are you just etc.

(Also thanks to DavCat14 and Annie Where-but-hearrrr)

KINKY

Key Quote: Sex among bat bugs (as with bed bugs) is violent. During copulation, males of these species pierce the abdomens of their mates with their genitals and ejaculate directly into their blood.

We've been to parties like that.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

IT'S CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK!

Apparently, next season on 24 they're going to try having a plot.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

September 21, 2007

SHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Blog is resting. He's got a busy week ahead of him.

While we wait for him to wake up....

Q&A

Book review etc.

Book excerpt

Report on Ft. Worth event

And of course, the presidential juggernaut Q&A

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY TO THIS HOMEOWNER

(Thanks to Susannah Nation)

TONIGHT ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL

Pythons That Pounce.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF PUYALLUP

Be on the lookout for a man with a purloined bunny.

(Thanks to gabe4bs)

STRUMPDATE

I'm going home today, having run out of blue shirts.

No_more_blue_shirts

ISN'T IT IRONIC?

Don't you think?

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

NOT A FUNNY STORY

But a good name for a rock band: Mystery Goo and the Core Samples

(Their first single: Strange Seepage)

UNBELIEVABLY, ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED

(Thanks to Onterrible)

LEGAL UPDATE

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

FAMILY HEIRLOOM

We don't know about you, but when we hear that term, we think of, you know, like, a piece of jewelry or a portrait or something.

(Thanks to ellie and Kathybear)

CURRENCY UPDATE

I'm in Washington, DC, this morning, doing a satellite TV tour, which is when you sit in a room with a little thing in your ear and talk to TV stations all around the country for five minutes each, saying the same things over and over and over and overandoverandover until you want to shoot yourself in the head, and so does the camera guy.

So anyway, in the next studio there is another satellite TV tour going on, featuring the Treasurer of the United States, Anna Escobedo Cabral, who is introducing the new five-dollar bill. The new bill has many security features, including a tiny camera that sees what you are doing and transmits an image to the FBI.

Just kidding! I think. But the bill does look different, especially the side opposite the side with Lincoln on it (known, technically, as "the side opposite the side with Lincoln on it") which has three normal-looking "5"s and then, in the lower-right-hand corner, a giant purple "5." So your immediate reaction to this bill is, "THAT'S not a real bill!" But it is, according to Treasurer Cabral, a very nice lady who can be seen modeling it this exclusive CrapCam photo:

Fivedollar

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

...some doubt has been expressed on the willingness of men to undergo the procedure...

(Thanks to Vin39)

HAS ANYONE SEEN GRANNY?

September 20, 2007

SANDUSKY SHMANDUSKY

They've got a crime wave in Clarion County.

(Thanks to Skippy)

HE SHOULD HAVE PUT THEM IN A CLEAR, ONE-QUART, RESEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

SURGICAL PROCEDURE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Vet extracts toy lizard from real lizard

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

DANG

(A sad thanks to Elon Weintraub)

STRUMPDATE

Here is a totally candid non-posed CrapCam photo of me discussing Federal Reserve Board policy with Blogsters sthnbelle and mm during a signing this afternoon in Philadelphia. I am now on my way to Washington D.C., which I have been assured is around here somewhere.

Bloglitspa

Clarification: I believe that's mm on the left, and sthnbelle on the right. I'm in the middle, I believe.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Everybody pretend you didn't see that post about the ... ummm... you know. It wasn't really there! That's the ticket.

TASER-MANIA

Nobody is safe.

ADVISORY TO MALE BIKERS

Do NOT wear rubber boots.

RADIO UPDATE FROM STRUMPETLAND

Check your local listings.

And speaking of up...

(Thanks to Siouxie)

September 19, 2007

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Several members of the blog community, or "blunity" as the kids say, came to my signing in New York Wednesday night. Seen in this CrapCam photo are Meanie, the Blue, and Layzeeboy. Not shown is Lairbo. (Also not shown are Paul McCartney and the late Ray Charles, but unlike them Lairbo actually came to the signing.)

Bloglitsny

ATTENTION, IMMATURE PEOPLE WHO READ THIS BLOG

Here's a headline for you.

(Thanks to Jim Gilboy)

NEW YORK

We are not going to ask what The Blog was doing last night.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

STRUMPDATE FOR THOSE WHO DID NOT LISTEN LIVE

(For instance, the s.b.)

(Sorry.)

 
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