Dave Barry's Blog

AIR-TRAVEL TIP FOR TODAY

Whatever you do, under no circumstances should you attempt to travel by air today.

ADVISORY

I won't be blogging this weekend, except maybe a little by phone, as I am traveling computerless, just like the hardy pioneers who lived back in the early 1980s. Judi will also not be blogging, as she's off for a week or so to England, where there reportedly is beer. Walter will not be blogging either, because he is - not to put too fine a point on it - the penis bone of a walrus. So on behalf of all of us: Have a fine Labor Day weekend. Keep a wide stance at all times, and don't work too hard, unless you're piloting the plane I'm getting on soon, in which case please take your job very seriously until we land. Thank you.

CELEBRITY ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

Big Brother is out of rehab.

(Also thanks to Siouxie, who notes: "Now he's ready for a duet with Britney Spears.")

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THEY MUST HAVE HAD EVERYTHING INSIDE A CLEAR, ONE-QUART RESEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

I can't get through Miami airport security with toothpaste. So what the hell is this?

(Thanks to Chris Mitchell)

THOUSANDS OF GUYS GET INVOLVED IN A CAUSE

Because, gosh darn it, they care.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

YIKES

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

INCREDIBLE AS IT MAY SEEM

For once, we find ourselves rooting for a squirrel.

(Thanks to Geoff)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT KIDS TODAY LACK INITIATIVE

This blog replies: Oh yeah?

Video here.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

LEAST-FENCEABLE STOLEN GOOD OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SO THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE "OPEN"

(Thanks to Siouxie)

Funny thing: Mrs. Blog is up there covering the Open, but she has not mentioned this.

COLORADO RESIDENTS:

Beware of falling trout.

(Thanks to Joeski)

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

CANADA

Home of the Loon

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MALE FASHION CONCEPT OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

(We're thinking this concept would be a hit with this guy.)

IT COULD BE A MISUNDERSTANDING

This guy might just be one of those drivers who have a wide stance.

(Also thanks to Justin Barber)

YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT AGAINST CATS

They're killing the whales.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

UPDATE: KEITH RICHARDS VS. SWEDEN

As we reported earlier, Keith is demanding an apology from the Swedish media for suggesting that the Stones gave a poor performance and Keith was totally whacked out on something not at his best. We have done some research (thanks to Claire Martin) and we now believe that Keith has a point: Rock-and-rollwise, Sweden has a lot to apologize for.

ADVISORY TO BRITISH MOTORISTS

Watch out.

SNAKE TERRORISM

Now the scaly bastards are attacking two of our most cherished institutions: Mrs. America and Taco Bell.

Update: Also, our goldfish. And our colleges.

Update: Also they are turning into humans.

MR. SABELLA

Warning: This is not meant to be amusing.

As a student at Pleasantville (N.Y.) High School in the sixties, I was lucky enough to  get to know Anthony Sabella, sometimes known to students as Tough Tony. He was the assistant principal, which meant he was the school's main disciplinarian, which meant I had plenty of interaction with him. But despite the fact that on more than one occasion I was genuinely concerned that he might -- as he threatened -- pick me up by my neck and drop me out of a third-floor window, we actually became sort of friends, or as friendly as a school disciplinarian and a total wiseass can be.

In addition to being assistant principal, Mr. Sabella was a much-respected high-school-sports official. He also taught American History. I was in his class one year, and it was one of the best classes I ever took, high school or college. Mr. Sabella was very knowledgeable and had strong opinions, but it never bothered him if you disagreed. He liked the give-and-take, which was not always the case with my teachers. By the end of my senior year, I really liked running into him, and I think he liked running into me, even though these run-ins still sometimes ended with my getting detention. For example, I once led a large lunch-hour sit-in demonstration (this was the era of sit-in demonstrations) in favor of absolutely nothing. We just sat around the floor shouting random slogans of protest. When Mr. Sabella showed up, he was directed to me, as the ringleader, and I explained that we had no actual cause; we were just sitting in. He kept a straight face, but I could tell he found this amusing. He still gave me detention. 

Over the years I occasionally mentioned Mr. Sabella in columns, and was always delighted to hear from him, and his family. Recently, however, I heard he was not doing well. Today I learned that he died. So I'm sad about that. But it heartens me to think that if there is an afterlife, and if the afterlife has a dress code, it will henceforth be strictly enforced.

Update: So many great comments, from people who knew and loved Anthony Sabella, or were lucky enough to have teachers like him. Just got this email from Pleasantville grad Skip Mulch:

Mr. Sabella – alias “Tough Tony” alias “Ali oop” …. I was his paper boy (reporter dispatch) as well as on the receiving end of a record number of detentions LOL. Before high school was over though thanks in part to him I began writing a sports column in the in the Pleasantville Journal.
After graduation I went right to Air Force boot camp. The discipline that he imparted to me made that and many other of life’s challenges much more bearable. Now as a father and grandfather, the things I learned from him I would call “tough love” I have used them well and we could use much more of it in the world today.
SO here is to Anthony Sabella. He made the world a much better place because he was here and that is a fact!  We will all miss him, but his legacy lives on in all of us that knew him. In fact his legacy is present in many of our everyday actions. Life is good when you are proud of what you do.
Thanks Mr. Sabella

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE CRACKED DOWN ON THESE TROUBLEMAKER KIDS

(Thanks to the Perts)

UPDATE ON THE LATE RICHARD "DICK" JOHNSON AND THE ORIGIN OF NUGGETS

Andrew Hoenig, responding to the earlier post about the death of Richard "Dick" Johnson, reminds us that "the nugget machine would not have been possible without the work of Robert C. Baker.There is a song about him called Nugget Man."

This concludes our update on the late Richard "Dick" Johnson.

ADVISORY TO RESIDENTS OF WILLS POINT, TEXAS

Run.

(Thanks to Valerie)

MASTERMIND ESCAPE ARTIST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to DavCat14)

WE CAN IMAGINE

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

IN MIAMI, THIS IS PRACTICALLY THE SAME AS CASH

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHETHER SINGER BJ THOMAS IS STILL PERFORMING

The answer is yes.

(Thanks to Mark Newsom)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF THE DAY SO FAR

Not that we are interested in their minds.

(Thanks to many people, but DavCat, of course, first)

UPDATE: Is this the same guy?

GUYS

They are innovators.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

The Toilet-Torching Ghost Man of Africa

(In your comments, please maintain the classiness of this blog by refraining from making jokes about Sen. Larry Craig. Thank you.)

UPDATE: Apparently the Ghost Man of Africa is also in Florida.

SANDUSKY-AREA UPDATE

It's time for... Melon Fest!

WHILE WE'RE LINKING TO GIZMODO ITEMS...

You fearful fliers will not want to click on this.

We just hope that all the passengers on that plane had their cell phones turned off, as they can interfere with a plane's delicate navigational electronics.

WHY IS THIS NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT?

The jet-powered luge.

R.I.P. RICHARD "DICK" JOHNSON

Without him, we would not have nuggets.

FILL 'ER UP

In Other Cow News: Houston, we have a moo.

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to DavCat14)

THE DRIVING FORCE BEHIND THE WORLD ECONOMY

Beer.

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

TIME TO NUKE SWEDEN?

They're dissing the Stones.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to rsierra)

FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO NOT KEEP READING THIS POST

Hey Dave,
Just wanted to share this photo with you...it was taken at the Star Wars Celebration IV in Los Angeles. The convention was in May, and my eyes are still burning....
Now I know why I live in the Midwest.
Sincerely,
Honor Missler

ADVISORY: You still have time to stop reading this post.

ADVISORY:  This blog is not kidding.

ADVISORY:  THIS WILL BE YOUR LAST ADVISORY.

 

WHOOPS

Key Quote: The fire was apparently sparked by construction workers building a new fire station about four miles up the canyon.

(Thanks to Doug Ensign)

MEN

Do not click here.

(Thanks to many people, some of them, incredibly, men)

HA HA! WHOLESOME FUN AT THE WHITE HOUSE

None of them will ever work in government again.

(Thanks to crossgirl)

LAND OF OPPORTUNITY

(Thanks to judi, who would have unlocked an iPhone if this blog had asked her to)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S GETTING SO YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING

(Thanks to Jim Gilboy)

ATTENTION, SPORTS FANS

It's like a dream come true.

(Thanks to Rob White)

HOW LONG ARE YOU IN FOR?

Who cares, dude?

(Thanks to John Grant)

ANYONE WHO HAS EVER ATTEMPTED TO AWAKEN A SLEEPING TEENAGER

...will not be surprised by this.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

YOU MUST BE A MATURE ADULT TO OWN THIS WEAPON

Key Quote: Not for sale to under 18s.

(Via Gizmodo)

ATTENTION, PARENTS WHO ARE SENDING THEIR CHILDREN OFF TO COLLEGE, AND BELIEVE THAT WHEN THEY GRADUATE, THEY WILL GO OFF AND MAKE THEIR OWN WAY IN THE WORLD

Heed the lesson of Bobby the Bobtailed Raccoon.

THIS JUST IN FROM LAINDON, ESSEX

We don't want to see any jokes about Senator Craig in the comments, OK? This is a classy blog.

CRIME CRACKDOWN IN TORRANCE, CALIFORNIA

Where landscapers are not free to roam the streets.

(Thanks to fivver)

POLITICAL NEWS FROM ACROSS THE POND

Family values, UK style.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE FABULOUS OPA-LOCKA TRAILER-ON-DUMPSTERS AIR-TRAFFIC-CONTROL TOWER

Tragically, its days are numbered.

24 UPDATE

The Amazing Steve has sent in the following image of the Jack Bauer game card:

WAL-MART

Where the Wild Things Are

(Thanks to Lisa Gibson)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Bruce)

A PAIR OF FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

...to these motorists.

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

JAPAN

We admit we are hesitant about traveling there, and this sort of thing does not do anything to change our minds.

Key quote, amidst a sea of quotes that could have come straight out of Haight-Ashbury in the 60s: "I was watching Terubi wash the dishes one night when the words 'butt-biting bug' just suddenly popped into my mind," Uruma tells Sunday Mainichi, recalling the creation of their fabulously famous fairy.

(Thanks to DavCat)

VIDEO UPDATE, thanks to Baron vonKlyff in the comments section:

CLEARLY MISTAKEN HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Russell Mc, who adds that the headline writer has "never been to a Dem/Rep political convention")

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO OUR FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS?

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of your little sister.

(Thanks to Wes VonPapineau)

LEADERS OF TOMORROW UPDATE

(Thanks to Siouxie, who also sent this earlier update)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are science pioneers.

(Via Gizmodo)

(Note from the s.b.: Thanks to Russell Mc)

ATTENTION, MEN

Here is the opportunity of a lifetime.

WHY THIS BLOG DOES NOT TRUST THE SO-CALLED "MAINSTREAM MEDIA"

Because so often they put out a story, and then later we discover there was more to it.

(Thanks to Malcolm)

24

In last week's episode, a lot of stuff happened. Still dead: Edgar. We give you now The Amazing Steve.

HERALD HUNT UPDATE

Why are these people so happy?
The Herald Hunt is coming.¹
Be here or drink beer.
(Which, we should note, also makes these people happy.)

¹(It was way more fun to say this when it was the Tropic Hunt).

NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE PEOPLE GET INTO...

...They always blame the beer.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Jesus wept.

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

24 ADVISORY

We assume that The Amazing Steve will be posting his ongoing summary of how he imagines 24 would be going this week if it were still going on. As usual there will be a placeholder post here at 9, with Steve posting in the comments.

Meanwhile, thanks to Martha Thomases, we have this report from Gen Con 2007, the gaming convention, containing a reference to this blog:

A game I found particularly amusing was the 24 Trading Card Game. This game is intensely immersed in its license; players play with 24 card decks to reach 24 points. I was immediately disappointed to find out that none of the Dave Barry 24 clichés made it to the cards. There’s no establishing of perimeters or even shooting people in the thigh. The game is a lot more fun if you only play while speaking in gruff voices, the resource system is even denominated in time so if you can’t afford a card in your hand you can loudly declare “There just isn’t enough time.” The raw mechanics do have potential though. If the upcoming base set can give players a little more to do to each other while in the mission phase of their turn this game could be a real winner. As is it seems that raw stats win the day with an alarming frequency.

This blog fails to understand how there can be a so-called "24" game with no thigh-shooting OR perimeters.

DIDN'T THEY OPEN FOR THE STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK?

Belgian Horseback Shrimpers

(Thanks to RussellMc)

SHENANDOAH

We Don't Want Your Perky Nipples

(Thanks to tinkerbell)

AT NIGHT, THEY SIT AROUND THE CAMPFIRE AND TELL STORIES ABOUT LIVE PEOPLE

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

JUST DON'T GO STUMBLING AROUND IN THE DARK

Presenting... House on a Stick!

(Via Gizmodo)

HAVE IT YOUR WAY, DUDE

(Thanks to Tom Meerschaert)

THESE KIDS TODAY

...they think they can get away with anything.

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

THE REAL-ESTATE MARKET IS IN THE TOILET

But walrus penises are up.

And in case you were worried, we're not letting go of Walter.

(Thanks to SandyEgo and the Perts) (Which sounds like the name of a rock band)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

A Vicious Slug Ate My Head

(Thanks to DavCat14)

OK NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Blasphemous Balls

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BOYS VS. GIRLS

The past two weeks have been High-School-Musical-2-a-Palooza around our house. If you don't have a daughter in the age range of about 6 through about 12, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But if you do, then you know that this is the biggest thing in the history of the world, even bigger than High School Musical 1. If you can imagine. It's the story of some high-school kids who are just like high-school kids everywhere except that they're all in their 20s and they spend the vast majority of their time performing elaborate musical song-and-dance numbers that your daughter wants to listen to several million times per day.

At least it's wholesome. I  attended a birthday party over the weekend for an 11-year-old boy, and his most-prized gift was a video game called Destroy All Humans 2. I watched a little of it, and the only similarity between it and High School Musical 2 that I could detect is the "2."

POSSIBLE PROOF THAT FIDEL IS DEAD

He has written a column.

WHY WE ARE GOING TO REMAIN THE GREATEST DARNED NATION ON THE WHOLE DARNED EARTH

We have the leaders of tomorrow.

SWEDEN

A Wild and Crazy Place

FIDEL CASTRO UPDATE

We have received word Fidel Castro continues to be either dead or not dead, or possibly immortal. Meanwhile Blinky the two-headed calf remains deceased.

YIKES

An Actual Snake on an Actual Plane

FIDEL CASTRO UPDATE

He is still either dead, or not. We will report any further developments on this story as they do or do not occur.

BREAKING UPDATE: This blog has learned that, as of 9:48 a.m. Eastern Time Time, Fidel continues to be either dead or not.

CLARIFICATION: But Edgar still definitely is.

SHED A TEAR FOR BLINKY

Two tears, actually.

GUYS

Sometimes they get it right.

(Via Gizmodo)

LODI

A Bad Place To Be Naked

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

WHAT WE DO FOR ENTERTAINMENT HERE IN MIAMI

We speculate, weekly, about whether Fidel is dead.

LOVE

It's a many-splendored thing.

(Thanks to several people, the first being onterrible, who notes: "Alcohol was involved.")

THIS IS SERIOUSLY MESSED UP

Half a million dollars for a beer, and you can't even DRINK it???

(Thanks to Drew burrpppp excuse me Harchick)

ATTENTION, LADIES

We have absolutely no idea what this is about, but we, as a woman, are in full support.

Key quote: The players took turns showing off their pads one by one, much to the delight of the crowd of onlookers.

(Thanks to Rob White)

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

No.

(Via Gizmodo)

CYBERCRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Rob White)

ADVISORY TO LONGHORNS FANS

Stay out of Oklahoma.

Key Alarming Medical Phrase: "extensive damage to another man's scrotum."

(Thanks to BillyJoeJimBob)

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE

It's almost over.

(Thanks to Jim Gilboy)

OF ALL THE MYSTERIES IN THE UNIVERSE, THE MOST MYSTERIOUS OF ALL...

...is Windows Vista.

Dave,
I swear this personally happened to me, that it's an actual message from my actual computer.
Windows Vista did not expect, apparently, that a program could actually be successfully installed. (see attached)
'Brainy Jello'

HUMANITY: DOOMED?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

GUYS

Continuing To Do What Needs To Be Done

Key Quote (from Google translation): With a hot sticking pistol the artist has the 1.30 meters spreads Tetrapak courses welded together, four week the seams will hold, estimates he, then the boat dissolves.

(Via Gizmodo)

("The Hot Sticking Pistols" would be a good name for a rock band, if it isn't already)

FIRST MICHAEL VICK

And now... this.

THIS IS PROBABLY OLD

But this old blog was amused.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WHY COLLEGE IS IMPORTANT

It prepares you for the real world.

ATTENTION, CITY OFFICIALS OF TRAIL, CANADA:

Consider the Ohio solution.

CREEPING FASCISM IN ENGLAND

Now they want to take away the most fundamental human right of all.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THIS SUGGESTS THAT EITHER CHIP OR DALE IS PACKING HEAT

(Thanks to Laura Wenham)

CREEPING FASCISM IN SALEM

Now they want to take away our fundamental human right to intimidate people with raccoon entrails.

(Thanks to Nookee)

GIVE IT UP...

...for Chumbee the Sex-Mad Scottish Koala Bear.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

SHOCKING

Keith Richards, role model, was seen smoking a cigarette.

(Thanks to Rob White)

JAPAN

Where Guys Are Guys

(Yes, this is old. But still.)

(Thanks to B Coats)

WE HATE TO BREAK THE NEWS

Skippi, the runaway German kangaroo, is gone.

Key Quote: "I don't think it was a deliberate suicide."

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WOMEN:

A new day is dawning.

Update: Another toilet breakthrough here. (Via Gizmodo)

THE DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT

It's rolling in Arizona.

IF WE'D HAD THIS THING BACK WHEN WE WERE A BOY SCOUT, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN SERIOUS TROUBLE

The Flashlight of Doom

(Thanks to Doc Ric)

AMERICAN IDOL MIAMI AUDITIONS

This blog was there.

Update: This was posted in the Herald comments section:

Simon is a really nice guy when you get to know him.

Posted by: A Live Badger

WE ARE NOT ASKING THIS WOMAN

...if she can cook.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IT'S PROBABLY ALREADY A NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Slug Plague

(Also thanks to Claire Martin)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using sausage.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

DESPITE INTENSE PRESSURE

This blog will continue to resist the temptation to make fun of anybody's name.

(Thanks to Tom, who should be ashamed of himself for even suggesting it, Howett)

TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT?

This exercise video will help you drop a few pounds.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

BILL MURRAY

A man who stands up for his fundamental American rights.

(Thanks to Rob White)

DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER UPDATE

Turns out the Dog is still not in the clear.

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

DES MOINES

Not As Dull As You Think

(Thanks to DavCat14)

THIS BLOG WILL NOT BE SURPRISED

...if it turns out that all of these bus drivers are guys.

(Also thanks to Annette Gaudreau)

FUN DUDE

(Thanks to Rob White)

YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US

(Thanks to Annette Gaudreau)

A THREAT TO THE PLANET, AND A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Belching Moose

(Thanks to Esther Maclin)

SPEAKING OF HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE LOGOS

What do we think of this?

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

YOU KNOW WHAT TICKS THIS BLOG OFF?

Guys like this, who make the rest of us look bad.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

SCHOOL-BUS DRIVER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Needless to say, she already has a Florida driver's license.

(Thanks to Jim Gilboy)

RUSSIAN WOMEN

Do NOT mess with them.

SOME DAY, DAISY WILL ENCOUNTER A MIRROR

And then things could get ugly.

(Thanks to Heather)

READER SURVEY

Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr claims that this corporate logo is obscene. This blog does not see it. Of course, this blog is pure as the driven snow, while Ted is a known sex pervert. What do you think?

DON'T YOU JUST HATE THAT?

You spend months planning an event, and then, on the big day, when it is least convenient, the Loch Ness Monster appears.

(Thanks to Rob White)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

CINCINNATI

Number One, baby. And proud of it.

(Thanks to Gregory Snow)

GUYS

They are clinically insane enjoy a challenge.

Video here.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THIS IS JUST WRONG

(Thanks to Heather, who apparently thinks this is funny, which it is not)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE CONCEPT IS ADAPTED TO BUTTOCKS

Operate your iPod by clenching your teeth.

(Thanks to Jim Gilboy)

COMING SOON

Invasion of the Monster Jellyfish

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PHILOSOPHICAL DEBATE IN MISHAWKA

Can turkeys fly?

Key Excerpt (from second item):

The Niles man became angry and told police he tried striking his co-worker with a coffee mug. But the co-worker stopped the truck abruptly, causing the Niles man to hit his head on the windshield.

This apparently angered the Niles man, so he began striking himself with the mug and then blamed his injuries on his co-worker when police arrived.

(Thanks to Michael Stype)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are innovators.

(Via Gizmodo)

AND IT STILL TASTES GREAT!

(Thanks to Siouxie)

HOLY GOD EGGPLANT EBAY UPDATE

Incredibly, there are still no bidders.

MAN FINDS ELVIS'S STOLEN GUN

But we're not sure we'd want it back, considering where he found it.

DO DRUGS MAKE YOU STUPID?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

24

In last week's episode, the cast of 24 ended up in New York City, where they ran into agents Mulder and Scully of The X-Files. They all spent the entire episode trying, without success, to get across town.

No, sorry, that's what always happens to me in New York. But the important thing is:Edgar is still dead.

We now turn you over to the Amazing Steve.

PEOPLE SAY MEN ARE SHALLOW SEX ADDICTS

And yet, they are saving the world.

(Thanks to Jim Gilboy)

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE

Texting Man

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

ONSCREEN HORROR

No, it's not the newest film adaptation of a Stephen King book. It's worse.

(Thanks to Just Ducky)

WE ALL HATE TO WAIT FOR OUR LUGGAGE

But Congressman Bob -- being a congressman, with congressman stuff to do -- does not stand for it.

WE DON'T KNOW IF WE'D CALL IT "TALENT"

But this guy could definitely save on airfare by sending himself UPS.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

YIKES

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IS THAT A GUN IN YOUR CARRIER BAG?

Not exactly.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

A TRAGIC REMINDER

Don't drink and get naked with bears.

(Sent in by many people)

YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THESE EGGPLANTS?

First God, and now angels.

IT'S BACK-TO-SCHOOL TIME

Hallelujah.

WHY FLORIDA IS NOT LIKE OTHER PLACES, REASON 2,038

The weapons.

IF WE WE WERE THE SPCA

We'd say: No thanks.

BRIDES AND GROOMS

We went to a wedding last night. It was a fine wedding, and also an excellent example of the division of responsibilities between bride and groom. The bride, a lovely young woman named Suzana, handled most of the planning and arrangements, including the invitations, the food, the flowers, the bridesmaids' dresses, the flower girls' dresses, the music, the photographers, the videographers, the church, the reception, the transportation, the honeymoon and many other things. The groom, a fine young man named Chris, had taken full responsibility for modifying his shoes so that when he knelt at the front of the church, this is what the congregation saw:

GETTING NAKED

There was a time -- this was long ago -- when my friends and I expended a lot of mental energy trying to figure out how to talk other people into getting naked for one reason or another. (OK, there was really just the one reason.) The vast majority of these efforts were unsuccessful. But now it seems as if every time I browse the Internet news, I see a story like this one, about some large group of people who have decided to get naked for or against something, in this case global warming. This argument for stripping down never occurred to me and my friends back in The Day; we didn't have global warming. Or, if we did, we didn't know we did. (Maybe Al Gore did, but we didn't know Al.)

But what I'm wondering is this: If you get naked for a Serious Reason, such as opposing global climate change, are you still allowed to have fun and sneak ganders at the opposing gender (or, if you prefer, the same gender) (not that there is anything wrong with that)? Or does that detract from the effectiveness of the nakedness?

LAUGH AND LEARN, INDEED

Key Parental Name: Unique Gonzales

(Thanks to a guy who knows who he is)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Phil Snyder)

ARKANSAS

"The Unfortunate Stereotype State"

(Thanks to Noob)

BEST EXCUSE SO FAR TO SIT AROUND DRINKING

Doctor's orders.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

WANT TO GO SWIMMING IN AUSTRALIA?

No thanks.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CUYAHOGA COUNTY IS READY

...in case of an emergency in Kansas City.

(Thanks to Beth Lipoff)

PUT ON YOUR DISCO SUNGLASSES

...before you click here.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

DO YOUR HOMEWORK

Or else.

(Thanks to Phil Snyder)

MAYBE IN A FEW CENTURIES THE BRITS WILL APOLOGIZE FOR AMERICAN IDOL

The Danes are sorry about the Viking raids on Ireland. Residents of Papua New Guinea are sorry that their ancestors ate some missionaries.

(Thanks to Michael Johnson and Christina Nelson)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

A toothbrush that brushes and rinses, available in prototype form for just $1,750.

(Thanks to Jim Gilboy, who notes, "At that price maybe the Defense Department is interested.")

WHOOPS

Wonder what they'd do to Stephen King?

(Thanks to Rob White)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys dream big.

(Via Gizmodo)

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Key quote: Stroot said the review showed that fraudulent billing "is not a widespread problem. C&D was a rogue contractor,''... While other questionable billing has been uncovered, nothing came close to C&D's, she said. The next-highest contractor billed $2 million in questionable transport costs, she said.

(Thanks to Rob White)

CAN YOU BLAME HER?

(Thanks to Eric)

COME ON BABY, LIGHT MY FIRE

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

RUTHLESSLY MISLEADING WEBSITE OF THE DAY

omfg.com

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

IN KEEPING WITH OUR STRICT POLICY, WE ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT MAKE FUN OF ANY NAMES

So you might as well stop sending in things like this.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Raging Model

(Thanks to Moe)

IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE

This farmer could have put his money in the stock market.

MOST SUBTLE SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING MESSAGE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The All-Bran Construction Worker

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko, who got it from the chat of Mr. Gene Weingarten, whose favorite thing in the world is a good poop joke)

THIS JUST IN FROM THE AMAZING STEVE

Hi Dave,
In the course of my extensive research (cough cough) for those weekly 24 write-ups, I stumbled across a road sign which I felt honor-bound to report to you. I've attached a copy of the picture.
Steve

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO HAVE RECENTLY EATEN MEAT FROM DUTCH SUPERMARKETS

Do NOT click here.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

THIS IS JUST WRONG

(Also it may already have been blogged; if so, judi will be fired.)

SOON TO BE A SKETCH ON SNL

The Samurai Masterminds

(Thanks to marfie)

JUST AS SOON AS SHE FINISHES HARRY POTTER

She'll tackle this.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HOME SWEET HOME

Key quote: Showers are available at 200 yen for 30 minutes and underwear is on sale.

(Thanks to W.B. VonPapineau)

FAST-FOOD NEWS UPDATE

Crime division

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

BREAKING NEWS FROM EASTBOURNE, SUSSEX

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

U.S. FOOD-RUT UPDATE, thanks to Steve Bradford

RELIGIOUS NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK

(Thanks to Patrick)

MIRACULOUSLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FICTION

The Bat Phone

Key Organization Name: The Cornwall Bat Group

(Also thanks to Claire Martin)

HE'S NOT A VANDAL

He's a musician.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys see a need, and they