24

Last week former child Ricky Schroeder led a Crack CTU Tactical Assaulting Attack Squadron on a raid of the old Bloomfield Copper Place. They were looking for the wily Chinese Subplot "Three Hummers" Cheng, who was believed, based on crack CTU intelligence work, to be hiding there, so of course he was not. It turned out that Cheng and his men escaped by -- The clever bastards! -- driving away in cars, which cannot be detected by CTU satellite technology. Cheng then had his men take the convenient and well-lit Los Angeles Municipal Sewer Terrorist Transport System (LAMSTTS) to the express stop located directly under CTU headquarters, easily the least secure building in North or South America. There Cheng's men cut the phone lines and quickly overcame the CTU security force, which consisted of retired school-crossing guards armed only with rolled-up copies of AARP, The Magazine.

You might think that, with attackers shooting their way into the building, somebody on the CTU staff might have contacted, say, the Los Angeles Police Department using -- it sounds crazy, but it just might have worked -- a cell phone. But apparently nobody thought to do this, which means that as we begin tonight's episode, the Chinese are in full control of CTU, which means that for the first time this season it is under competent management. Their first official act was to shoot Milo in the head, which was OK by this blog, because we have never cared for his little weenie eyebrow-size mustache. Either grow a real mustache or shave that thing off, that was this blog's opinion, and apparently the Chinese government agreed.

The Shocking Unexpected Plot Twist last week was that the Chinese, who must have reviewed the earlier episodes of this season on TiVo and thus rediscovered some of the fabled Lost Plot Threads, were actually after Jack's dead brother Graem's annoying son Josh, who is all mopey because his mom, Marilyn, has the acting skills of a lunchbox.

No, sorry, Josh is mopey because -- to quote the official 24 plot summary - he "is upset that his father was involved in killing twelve thousand people." This blog was amazed that Josh still remembered that particular plot element, as the writers clearly forgot about it long ago.

Anyway,  the Shocking Unexpected Plot Twist reason why the Chinese wanted Josh is that they're going to give him to Jack's dad, Farmer Hoggett, who is fixing the Top Secret Russian Nuclear Circuit Board of Doom, which the Chinese want, and which the Russians don't want the Chinese to have, and which the White House ALSO doesn't want the Chinese to have because this will create an International Incident, the mere mention of which causes the White House to soil its drawers. And if you think -- at a time when Chinese agents are shooting their way into a U.S. government facility in Los Angeles to get a circuit board that was brought into the United States by Russians who set off a nuclear freaking bomb in California -- if you think it's weird that our government gives a rat's rectum about hurting the feelings of either China OR Russia, well,  mister, then you have not properly prepared yourself to qualify as a viewer of this show.

Edgar is still dead. Whatshisname, Jack Bauer, is still rumored to be on the show, and may make an appearance tonight. He will also soon be appearing on The Simpsons, which at this point strikes us as a good career move.

Only two more episodes to go, people. We can do this. Just try to stay focused, and remember that eventually all will be made clear, or at least less incoherent, by the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: How come, after 783 consecutive episodes of "House" in which House was right, the other doctors STILL argue with him?

UPDATE: Marilyn almost makes me miss Audrey.

UPDATE: This is a good sign, fighting and shooting and choking this early in the episode.

UPDATE: "I know the schematics of this building better than anyone."

UPDATE: That has got to be the best-lit sewer system in the world. The rats must wear sunglasses.

UPDATE: Come be Chinese with me, Josh!

UPDATE: Despite the perimeter, the wily Chinese Cheng will manage, once again, to escape and disappear into the vast untracked wilderness known as "Los Angeles."

UPDATE: Does anybody care about the Central Asian Theater? Because I sure don't.

UPDATE: I think, for a shocking plot twist, President Dark Powers and Karen should just get it on.

UPDATE: Whoa! Lisa! That saucy minx!

UPDATE: OK, now that Farmer Hoggett has doublecrossed Cheng, I can honestly say I have completely lost track of the plot. It's a liberating feeling.

UPDATE: Ben Cram? Did he say Ben Cram?

UPDATE: Right! This is a good time to run an investigation at CTU! Nothing else going on!

UPDATE: Lisa experienced a loss of oxygen to the brain. So she could become one of the writers.

UPDATE: After a strong start, this episode has slowed waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy down.

UPDATE: Seriously: Can anybody explain why the Russians are going to attack us because they're so upset at the Chinese? No? I didn't think so.

UPDATE: "None of this makes sense." Exactly.

UPDATE: All I have to say is: Enough with the circuit board.

UPDATE: Next week, things blowing up. Also: A jet AND a boat.

Comments

[Dr Alice]

First?!
... and I'm so glad this season is almost over...

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Ready to go!

[diverdowndoc]

I tried to be first, but the http error kept popping up. Grrrrrrr.
*loads blowgun with sedative for the bot*

[Dr. Rickenstein]

I have it on good authority from my bosses at FOX that there WILL be thigh shootin' tonight. In other news, VP Darth Boothe will look constipated....er, concerned about the Ruskies.

[baligurl]

I've planted my perineal grasses on the couch, and fetched the teqila in case an errant plot shows up. Oh yeah, and fritos and spinach dip. Y'all help yerselves.

[Wes S.]

Whatshisname, Jack Bauer, is still rumored to be on the show, and may make an appearance tonight. He will also soon be appearing on The Simpsons, which at this point strikes us as a good career move.

Oh goody! Will we also be liveblogging the Jack Bauer Simpsons episode?

...While browsing the current edition of TV Guide in the checkout aisle of Wal*Mart today, I noted a brief article about "24" that quoted Joel Surnow and Howard Gordon as saying that for next season they were going to do a complete overhaul of the show...and move the action out of CTU.

We can only hope their first action is to terminate the Wooden Dialogue Generator with extreme prejudice.

[Suzy Q]

Well, I missed the entirety of last week's episode, and yet, I don't feel like I missed a thing! All standard in the Land of 24.

But, I really miss First Lady Ramparts.

[Dr Alice]

as we begin tonight's episode, the Chinese are in full control of CTU, which means that for the first time this season it is under competent management.

Aha! CTU has been contracted out! This way it'll be less expensive and more efficient as well. I just don't want to be the one to tell Jack Bauer that he's been pinkslipped; he'll probably shoot me in the thigh.

[tw]

Over/Under on the number of New York Hand Puppet ads during tonight's show: 0.5

[mm]

and lets see if the writers have figures out wha they're going to do with the season yet

[WriterDude]

I swear, as the Chinese hired guns came bursting into CTU last week, meeting all the resistance of wet paper towels, my entire mind was filled with the sight of Fonzie flying through the air with those skis on his feet. The shot they took from under the ramp, in fact.

[DeskDiva]

Excellent, Dr. Rick!!! SOOOOO glad you have an inside scoop. :)

[Bethie]

Because they want House to fall on his face just once! Just once! He never will though.

[Rand]

Off Topic, but it was first raised by Dave:

"How come, after 783 consecutive episodes of "House" in which House was right, the other doctors STILL argue with him?"

He's only right at quarter to the hour. Before that he's almost killed his patient 3 times.

Back to 24.

[Bethie]

That's where I always keep my money too.

[Sam]

CTU finally outsourcing. Gotta love it. I have watched since season 1 this will be my last.

[DeskDiva]

WD - I saw that same shot weeks ago.

[Suzy Q]

Ok, I've got my wine at hand and I have suspended all belief. Or is it disbelief? I forget.

Anyway, I am ready to ruuuumble with the bloglits!

Bring it on, THC guy!

Confidential to Gretchen: Cajun pork chop and fresh green beans, accompanied by Forest Glen cabernet. Delicious.

*waves to DeskDiva* No Boy Toy tonight!

[homeybeef]

This is my monday last night here at school so i will be here to try to make the best of a bad show with you next week. Enjoy the show people, I know I won't.

[MaryContrary]

Some good Australian shiraz here. Well, decent . . . it will do.

Discretion nowhere in sight.

[clairabelle]

7of 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we're watching!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW: WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE WRITERS?!?
I MEAN, DO THEY KNOW THEY'RE WRITING COMEDY?
HOW MUCH IMPLAUSIBILITY CAN WE TAKE?!?!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("Here Jacksack™ comes to save the day!") and ChloeSack™ ("ChloeSack™ needs some additional support right now...any takers?")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!

This "24" intro was brought to you the numbers 2 and 4, which, naturally, represent '42', the Answer to The Ultimate Question Of Life, the Universe and Everything. It also explains the plot of each of the past seasons of 24, as well as the seasons going forward, and, inexplicably, the square root of the number of thighs that Jack will have shot, stabbed, severed or otherwise mutilated during the entire run of the show. This is, of course, mere coincidence, and impossible, which is why the producers of the show eat at Milliways (the "Restaurant at the End of the Universe") every morning.

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

See everyone after the show! Same Bauer time, Same Bauer Channel!

[diverdowndoc]

viewer discretion!

[Suzy Q]

Viewer discreeeetion!!

[DeskDiva]

Ah - Andy's intro - my show is already complete....

[Suzy Q]

*lights a cig in honor of THC guy's intro*

Yes, it WAS good for me.

[Bethie]

Is it just me, or did no one at CTU get really upset over Milo?

[steve-o]

That was an ad-lib...Milo had had enough!

[danceswithvowels]

Milo's still dead.

[Suzy Q]

*lights a cig in honor of THC guy's intro*

Yes, it WAS good for me.

[DeskDiva]

AND it was a STELLAR INTRO!!! INTERGALACTIC, EVEN!!!

*waves @ Suzy*

What, no grovelin'?

[diverdowndoc]

cover his face so he can be replaced by a dummy. oh wait...

[Travis]

Can Jack just take them down with some Dental floss, please?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Secure room? In CTU?! Where?!??

[WA2CHI]

No room is secure at CTU

[tw]

Is any room at CTU secure????

[Bethie]

NO one will be hurt. Dammit!

[ChuckE]

Milo deserves a moment of silence.

OK, that was long enough.

[Unrealious]

I would just like to say at the outset (once again) that they should abandon this hour long format.... Not everyone is awake at 4 in the morning nor does everyone important live in the greater LA area

[Wes S.]

A "secure room? Where are they going to find one of those in CTU?

[DeskDiva]

Marilyn!! MARILYN!! MARILYN!!! JOHN BOY!!!

[Bryan]

Everyone drink martinis tonight. It's the ninth anniversary of the death of Frank Sinatra.

[diverdowndoc]

travis- you are thinking of MacGuyver

[DeskDiva]

Marilyn!! MARILYN!! MARILYN!!! JOHN BOY!!!

[steve-o]

I was never in group 1, not even in gym class...

[Suzy Q]

Are they back in the air ducts? WTF?

The bot has me in its evil clutches tonight, so this comment will probably appear about 5 minutes after it's relevant.

DD: I think I might have scared him away. Bwah!

[tw]

For the record, Frank's drink of choice was Jack Daniel's.....not martinis.

[Bethie]

Okay, leave someone alive so you know where to find josh!

[abilicious]

Move over, Chuck Norris - Jack Bauer's forehead is a deadly weapon!

[Suzy Q]

Shooting! Fighting! All good, except it's hard to tell who's winning. And, I'm not entirely sure who I would root for at this point, anyway.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Ricky Schroeder! Good job, Ricky Schroeder!

[danceswithvowels]

Morris, you'll hurt your shoulder!

[Bethie]

Now, they'll never find him!

[DeskDiva]

*serves up superiorly iced dry blogotinis in honor of the Chairman of the Board*

Salut, Frankie.

[Suzy Q]

Shooting! Fighting! All good, except it's hard to tell who's winning. And, I'm not entirely sure who I would root for at this point, anyway.

[JD]

Jack killed Yankee centerfielder/Chinese terrorist Johnny Damon!

[Travis]

maybe not dental floss, but a gun strap will do...

[Wes S.]

Well...the scriptwriters finally realized Jack had a broken rib...but they forgot the burn scar on his hand.

And Morris did pretty well in the big fistfight for somebody who took a frickin' DRILL to the shoulder a few hours ago...

[CJrun]

Yeah, House was right, especially in noticing that wifey was right-handed. Oh! 24 is on!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

LINE OF THE SEASON: "You're still under arrest." (Nadia to Jack after he helped save CTU.

WHAT THE HELL!?!? Who would honestly say something like that under those circumstances?!?

[Unrealious]

Does my house have these sneaky underground passages that I have no knowledge of as well?

[diverdowndoc]

jack' goot a gun! thigh shootin' ahead!

[Bethie]

Does anyone else suspect that Milo is not dead, but just lying there in a pool of his own blood?

[danceswithvowels]

It's a footrace now in It's A Small World!

[Suzy Q]

Could somebody turn the lights on, please? It's SO hard to tell what the hell's going on sometimes. Or, rather, ALL the time. Even when it's light.

Has anybody died yet?

[DeskDiva]

*switches to Jack, appropriately, also in honor of Ol' Blue Eyes*

[Renee (the First)]

*Clinks glasses with Bryan*

[Bryan]

Well aware, TW, but that's my normal drink during 24, so I had to choose something special.

[Dr. Rickenstein]

holy crap...the ladies get their wish. Debriefing

[Wes S.]

Who needs American Express' "24: Debrief?" We've got The Amazing Steve.

[jt]

Thought I heard Ricky call Jack "Josh"...but, hey, that just wouldn't make SENSE on '24!'

[Suzy Q]

The first *snork* of the night goes to...Dr. Rick!

[danceswithvowels]

It's true! Jack Bauer Power Hour on the 400th Episode of the Simpsons!

[Bethie]

We want you to start a teen pop idol career!

[DeskDiva]

DEBRIEFING!!!! I vote for blurk Dr. Rick Jack!!!

[Travis]

"You get free eggwoll with deliver of gwandson..."

[Suzy Q]

Is Josh Jack's love child? Do we care about him? Will he get shot in the thigh, or is that just wishful thinking?

[Sam]

lots of choking, wow. doesn't everyone from China know some basic karate

[mm]

believe me now, no believe me now, no...

[tropichunt.com guy™]

We're going to go to China...they have good Fried Rice there. Oh, and a future type thing...

[danceswithvowels]

China! They'll never be blond like me!

[Squonk]

China, the land of opportunity.

[MaryContrary]

Yeah, every American teenagerjust dreams of moving to China. . .

[Sam]

The boy and the chip. Go Jack

[Bethie]

Okay, Grandpa, you are sincerely creeping me out right now. I think we need to get Dr. Phil involved.

[DeskDiva]

*snork* @ mm

[Wes S.]

Oh goody. More shooting. There's been more shooting and butt-kicking just in this episode than there was throughout most of the season.

[Bryan]

Jack is SAFE at 2nd!

[Suzy Q]

Ooo! More getaways...in CARS! Wow, that's just so resourceful!

Ah! More shooting! And yet, no one seems to get shot. Drat.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Note to self: Ask for bullet-proof Snap On Tools storage chest for Father's Day...

[ChuckE]

This is already the most mayhem-filled episode of the season (non-nuclear edition). Thank you for hearing our cries, Fox.

[Bethie]

Don't eat the dogfood in China, and conversely, the dogs.

[mm]

go josh!!!!

[abilicious]

Well, even if there's still no hope of a plot at this point, at least the writers have finally learned how to disguise plotlessness with violence.

[Bryan]

Evil Chinese businessmen are terrible shots.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Did ManKim jump? Please tell me he jumped...

[DeskDiva]

Man, I am SOOO STOKED!!!!!! THIGH SHOOTIN' VIOLENCE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK!!! NO AWWWWDREY!!! MAN!!!

I need a cigarette. ===~~~

THIS is 24 the way it oughtta be!!!!

*sighs, leans back satisfiedly, eyes half-lidded*

[steve-o]

What could go wrong...let me count the ways!!

[Sam]

Josh you'll be able to dance in one of those dragon things every new year. For get the Ball dropping, forget.....Jack