24

Only two hours to go, people. Even less, if you subtract the commercials, which will be worth watching tonight (more on this later). During the actual show, we loyal viewers are hoping that the writers at last answer the key questions regarding the plot, namely:

1. What is the plot?

2. There are writers?

3. How much do they make?

4. What will be the the "cliffhanger" ending  that sets us up for next season?

5. Will it involve either China or Audrey?

6. If so, where can we get some cyanide?.

These are the questions that are swarming in our brain as we prepare for tonight's finale. As you recall, last week ended with former child Ricky Schroeder grabbing Jack's evil dead brother's annoying mopey son Josh and putting him on to a helicopter to take him to Jack's evil mastermind father Farmer Hoggett. Ricky is supposed to trade Josh for the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which Farmer Hoggett was originally going to trade for Josh with the evil Chinese mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng, who managed to escape from CTU last week for like the 11th time despite the fact that CTU set up a perimeter.

The reason our government is trading Josh, aside from the fact that he is annoying, is that we really want to obtain the circuit board, because if it falls into the hands of the Chinese, the Russians will -- pay close attention here -- attack the United States. No, we don't understand why, either, although the writers have written many riveting White House scenes attempting to explain it. You would think the Russians would be in more of an apologetic mood, since a Russian nuclear bomb went off in the Los Angeles area earlier in this very season, but nobody seems to remember that. Everybody is like, "The nuclear blast in Valencia? That is so 9 a.m.-10 a.m." 

Anyway, last week Ricky and Josh took off in the helicopter, so of course this week Jack has to go after them to rescue Josh. No doubt wherever they wind up will be swarming with Chinese paramilitary troops, who apparently make up 60 percent of the population of California. We know from the previews that there will be boats, helicopters, jets, shooting and explosions. So get ready, and when it's all over, stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.

Bonus Reason to Watch Tonight: Mrs. Blog, a professional sportswriterette who covers, among other sports, professional tennis, informs this blog that tonight's episode will feature the premier of a Canon camera commercial, shot at Cher's old house in Miami, featuring tennis star Maria Sharapova, who is smoking hot, although of course nowhere near as hot as Mrs. Blog. The commercial also features a small white male dog who thinks in a foreign accent. Plotwise, it could well be the highlight of the season.

UPDATE: How come there's a boys' choir singing in the helicopter?

UPDATE: We'll get you back, Josh! Nothing EVER goes wrong with our plans!

UPDATE: Ho-hum. Jack in custody again.

UPDATE: This here is some solid oak dialog.

UPDATE: Bill can't BELIEVE what has happened to the plot since he left.

UPDATE: So Karen, who works for the White House, and who fired Bill, is now asking Bill to foil a White-House-ordered operation. OK!

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett has an uplink. They're going to have to keep a REALLY WIDE perimeter.

UPDATE: Do you think that if they showed all the scenes from this season in reverse order, it would make more sense?

UPDATE: It would end with Jack really suddenly growing a beard. That would be the least-realistic part.

UPDATE: You have to hand it to Marilyn Bauer: Even when she's really upset, she retains her inability to act.

UPDATE: Actually, given the competence of CTU security, Marilyn could easily take over using just her fingernails.

UPDATE: This is shocking. Jack managed to get out of custody again.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if Jack and Bill decided the hell with it and went bowling?

UPDATE: Milo's brother! Welcome to the plot!

UPDATE: Milo's brother's job, apparently, is to pad the plot.

UPDATE: "Any sign of Phillip Bauer yet?" Good of Nadia to take a few minutes out of her busy schedule at CTU to check in on the CTU operation that's supposed to avert world war!

UPDATE: "Agent Doyle, be careful!" Thanks, Nadia!

UPDATE: Oh man. Not another White House scene.

UPDATE: This is sure to go well.

UPDATE: Hard to believe such a foolproof, well-thought-out plan could have gone wrong.

UPDATE: "It blew!" Yes, it did.

UPDATE: Just to recap: CTU, the nation's crack counterterrorism unit, which has a huge staff and vast computer capacity as well as helicopters and satellites, and which knew exactly where the bad guys were going to strike, was once again easily defeated, this time by two guys in wetsuits and a motorboat.

UPDATE: I still can't believe Melinda got voted off American Idol.

UPDATE: Another White House scene. Padpadpadpad.

UPDATE: The old Bloomfield Oil Platform! That's IT.

UPDATE: Three Hummers! He's still in the plot!

UPDATE: If anything bad goes down on the oil platform, the actors can just grab chunks of dialog and use them as flotation devices.

UPDATE: Do we think Chloe is pregnant?

UPDATE: One more hour, people.

UPDATE: "The submarine is on schedule." "How soon before they pick us up?" "Thirty minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: So they can't find the motorboat with three people in it, even knowing where it left from... but they CAN find human body heat on the oil platform.

UPDATE: Phillip Bauer and confederates! They can tell by the body heat who the people are!

UPDATE: And that they're confederates!

UPDATE: "Get the kid, Jack!" That's exactly what people say after bombs go off in their faces.

UPDATE: Hey! A helicopter! Do you think...

UPDATE: I think Maria should have gone with the bikini.

UPDATE: "We'll be in range in 22 minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: I suppose it would make way too much sense to have the fighter jets take out the submarine.

UPDATE: A five-mile perimeter. That's a big perimeter.

UPDATE: Those have to be the slowest fighter jets ever.

UPDATE: Catch them off guard? In a helicopter?

UPDATE: Ummm... Why did Cheng give the component to Phillip? Does that make any sense? Never mind! Who cares!

UPDATE: Shooting. Good.

UPDATE: Whoa! Josh!

UPDATE: Boom! Yay!

UPDATE: OK, the truth is that the Russians have no proof whatsoever that the component was destroyed. But who cares? Not us!

UPDATE: OK, there are 25 minutes to go. Cliffhanger time.

UPDATE: Aww. Chloe downloaded Morris's schematics.

UPDATE: Please let this be the last White House scene.

UPDATE: UH-oh... William Devane means... AUDREY.

UPDATE: I'm getting the feeling that this season is going to end with a whimper.

UPDATE: "I'm at a crossroads." Did he actually say that?

UPDATE: At least Audrey didn't get any lines.

UPDATE: Sigh.

Comments

[WizzyPigabeth]

thanks Mary and Wooster girl. The rum sure did liven up that flat coke!

A few more and I'll actually look back on this season with something other than disgust.

[Solid Citizen]

McCain is a Manchurian candidate.

Ron Paul, Duncan Hunter, and Tom Tancredo are Presidential candidates.

Treason abounds in the Senate.

ooops... wrong blog...OR... next season's plot?!?

" I'd rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride in a car with Ted Kennedy"

[Annie Where-but-here]

This is why California is so far ahead of the rest of the country. We know not to waste our time watching such pap. Because we wrote it. Bwa-ha-ha!! The Evil Left Coast strikes again.

[WizzyPigabeth]

thanks Mary and Wooster girl. The rum sure did liven up that flat coke!

A few more and I'll actually look back on this season with something other than disgust.

[DeskDiva]

*sends Bill a Florida driver's license*

[Zach Bauer]

Oh, I think they can still win the series, Dances, unlike Tony's team. But this is what they'll need...

1. A new Tony. Someone who can run tac, but can do fieldwork sometimes as well. Milo was starting to fill out that role, but then did something stupid and got himself killed...
2. One main villain with staying power, to last at least 22 of the 24 episodes.
3. Minimal personal subplots. No hiding babies under desks, abusive dads, and cougars.
4. A new hot Mexican girlfriend for Jack. And one more durable than the one from season 3. In fact, what if we had a female Jack as his partner in the field and off the field? In fact...
5. All subplots must directly involve Jack, or be no more than one step removed from Jack. If it's not about Bauer, it's not a wow... er... (sorry, tried to make it rhyme).
6. Naked Nadia. Nuff said. And finally....
7. Pitching, pitching, pitching. Both the starting rotation and the bullpen.

And that'll do it. See you in January!

[DeskDiva]

Night, Wooster. All is forgiven. ;-)

[WizzyPigabeth]

Good night my blogging buddies.

Now, to Savor the Amazing Steve, the savior of this season!

[DeskDiva]

Wes - that depends. Are you planning to use it for pee target practice like that one guy did? If so, just use the videotape. Otherwise, you could be in a world o' hurt. And if you're coming up for Mexican tomorrow, I don't want you hurtin'. ;-)

[Dustin]

I'm glad Steve also noticed the weird "Somewhere Out There" moment between Jack and Phillip.

[Zach Bauer]

You know... looking back... the neck-biting incident is STILL the highlight of the season...

[Annie Where-but-here]

I'd like to take a moment to introduce this week's visiting blurkers from the NY Times. Welcome and booger.

And now....Chapter Two of...the Amazing Steve!

[danceswithvowels]

Thanks for watching telebision with me, bloglits! (And Dave and judi and Walter!)

I hadn't seen even a single episode of 24 until a certain columnist stopped his regular columnizing some time ago. I went to the internets to see what he was up to and found out about his 24 addiction. And eventually I found out about the blogging.

In the meantime, I've almost entirely caught up on the back episodes; I've got less than half of Season 5 left. What a shame that this season was such a lousy departure from the norm. Despite the bad writing, or perhaps because of it, blogging with you all has been a blast!

Thanks again for spending Monday evenings with me!

Let's do it again sometime.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Okay, I'm a die-hard "24" fan. I admit that Season 3 sucks wind. However, I proclaim to the world:
I want the last two hours of my life back.

Y'know, when they put this season on DVD, do us all a favor? End it with the evil terrorist being killed/caught/whatever happened, chop off the last six hours and call it "18". I'll buy it. Really. And I think many other people will, too.

BTW, the line of the night goes to Aaronak @ 9:27pm for:
The Death Star will be in range in 4 minutes...

We need more dialog like that in the show. Keeps us informed, in an entertaining way...

Steve, great work as always! Can't wait for the last part... :)

Signing out for the season...

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

(NOTE: That was not silent!)

[DeskDiva]

*psst* Don't forget "Neener!" Annie! *unpsst*

Neener!

[Wes S.]

Diva, I tried to e-mail you through your MySpace page, but it won't let me. What time do you want to meet at the Guadalajara?

...And I wasn't thinking of pee target practice, but of Beretta target practice.

Nah, on second thought I'll just shoot the tape. I suppose the VCR will still be good for something.

Besides, if I give up totally on "24," then what am I going to do for Monday night entertainment for half the year?

[Dustin]

Anyone wanna wager a guess on how much Heroes' ratings will skyrocket next season?

[Annie Where-but-here]

Yankees beat Boston 6-2!

And now, what we've all been waiting for...the...
Amazing Steve!

[DeskDiva]

Rock on as always, Andy. :-)

[Dustin]

Eff the Yankees.

[Wyo Cowboy]

Wes, ever heard of football?

[Annie Where-but-here]

It's not Kiefer's fault. He was awesome on the Simpssons last night. Looked like he has been working out.

And now...the....Amazing Steve!?

[jt]

Afterthought: You know what would have made the whole season worth it?

The end of the show:

Jack stares out at the beach...

Gun in hand...

Screen goes dark...

And then, BANG! A shot goes off...!

And then, a second later, Jack yells out, "Oh, DAMMIT--OWWWW, MY FOOT! MY FOOT! OWIE OWIE OWIE!!!"

[Annie Where-but-here]

It's not Kiefer's fault. He was awesome on the Simpssons last night. Looked like he has been working out.

And now...the....Amazing Steve!?

[Siouxie]

OK...so The Bachelor just dumped one of the chicks and my daughter said...and I quote: "This is so gay"

[Annie Where-but-here]

Wyooooo! Football is for wussies.

And now the Amazing...Steve?

[DeskDiva]

I emailed the bookworm address. Is that not valid? And I've tried to pull the stupid myspace address from my posts here because it seems to pose a lot of problems, but it hasn't worked. :-(

Pretty much anytime after 5:30 will work for me. I have no commitments after that. So - you pick! :-)

*psst* Keep trying, Annie! One of these time's it'll work.

[Dustin]

Steve disappeared like 24's entertainment value

[Bethie]

I think Jack will be just about to off himself when Audrey's dad runs out and yells, "Jack! She's calling for you!" Jack will then slip and the season will be immedietely over. I was so sure that Chloe had type 2 diabetes that would easily be controlled with diet. Go figure! Anyway, had fun y'all! What the hell are we going to do next week?!! We'll have to pick a new show or something. Well, good night to all!

[Wyo Cowboy]

then call me a wussie. I love football.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oh, wait, I have one more comment:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Yes, of the "24" Plot Writers Association.

[Annie Where-but-here]

BULLETIN - The Amazing Steve has just checked into rehab at the Betty Ford Center. The strain was just too much for him. He kept yelling "Silk purse! Sow's ear!"

[DeskDiva]

Wyo, if you're a wussie, so am I. I'm a lifelong Bears fan.

And I second the motion on the floor made by the Blogger from Florida. All those in favor, please signify bye a shout of "Aye."

[Annie Where-but-here]

Wyo - wussie. Blurkie said.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

*just realizes things are moving around him. notices bullet wound in leg, does not feel any pain, sounds slowly start to amplify....* ARGHHHHHH!!!! What the F#%K just happened to me? I was watching 24 and then I was staring over a cliff at the ocean and rocks and....hey, my leg is bleeding. that should be hurting me right?

[DeskDiva]

**SNORK** @ Annie. Maybe we should just hire McGonagall for next season. She really could make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

how did the show end? Really? Anybody?

[DeskDiva]

Hey, Doc. Back from you B double E double R U N? Heh. Your ten minuteses always seem to run a bit long.... ;-)

[John]

Steve already posted the first half. Scroll up you people!

[cat r.]

*SNORK* at Amazing Steve's New Jack and Jack Classic.

[Wes S.]

'Diva: How about 6:00, then?

Rick: You need to put some ice on that, bro. And did anybody ever get around to bandaging Suzy?

(I briefly considered shooting my own thighs, too, but I'm not that hardcore of a "24" fan.)

[DeskDiva]

6:00 works for me. :) You know where you're going, then? I drive a blue Mazda 6, and if you got to my myspace, you've seen a basic photo, right?

[Dr. Rickenstien]

Wes, I think the mental trauma of tonight will not be made better with ice...oh, wait...the thigh. Got it! By the way you were right earlier today on the other thread about the ending tonight...damn I'm wrong as well as shot. this just sucks.....

[cat r.]

Ah, you crazy kids!

[Dr. Rickenstien]

" I'd rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride in a car with Ted Kennedy"

Ok, if Solid Citizen is around....Thank You! I feel blood returning to my limbs now.

[DeskDiva]

Cat - we're glad you were here with us. And obviously, you do not HAVE to watch the show to blog it, as is evidenced by the commentary here this evening.

[Wes S.]

Diva, I think I can find you...and I also (belatedly) sent you a response to your e-mail. I'll be driving a blue Intrepid.

I really ought to check that newfangled e-mail thing more often (blushes)

[Annie Where-but-here]

Lights virtual lighter on cell phone in memory of the Amazing Steve.

[Cat R.]

Here in Chicago, the 17-year cicadas are emerging tonight.

My kids were out collecting them {{{shudder}}}.

Here's what they look like at the moment, before they molt (still brown and crawly -- no wings yet). Thousands are coming up out of the ground as we speak. My kids "caught" a couple hundred after dark tonight.

Sweet dreams, everyone!

[Annie Where-but-here]

Cat - I saw that on the news. I sent a story to Dave about it, noting how rare it was for a plague to hit somewhere other than Florida.

[DeskDiva]

Oh, Cat - where in Chi-town?

And thanks for that REALLY hideous picture. EW.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

My guess is that Steve has taken the writers, producers, the Bot, and his sanity and headed for the cliff Jack was on. You try re-capping this abomination of a train wreck of a...well you get the point...week after week. I would be jumping off it too!

[Cat R.]

I don't think my daughters will be wearing their flipflops for a few weeks. Crunch, crunch, crunch.

And I thought the ostrich poop in the pool was bad? God help our little filter.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

*puts up the silent clock for Steve* 11:23:51,52,53 boop beep boop beep

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

(The first hour of this was posted earlier in this thread, around 10:15pm Blog Time).

Previously on “24” - Jack: bit someone that wasn’t kosher right on the neck; shot his friend Curtis; strangled two people; watched a nuclear bomb go off; cried; shot a LOT of bad guys; got framed for killing his brother; ran up his long distance bill; disarmed a bomb; ran through sewers; got Audrey to say one word; took a phone call he shouldn’t have; finally heard someone admit that he was right; continued to save the world.

But most of all, Jack is still hoping that this season would get over so he could get a nice new plot for next year.

The following summary takes place between 5 am and 6 am:

5:00 am – Out at the oil platform, the boat arrives with Josh, who to his credit starts arguing with Grandpa right away. Cheng comes downstairs and tells Grandpa that all their cargo ships are being watched after the last Bauer they got out of the country, so this time they’re going to have to take a submarine. Back on the beach, Jack is wearing a bullet-proof life vest.

5:01 am – Chloe is in the hospital, with Morris by her side. He’s really worried, and the doctor tells him that she passed out because the absolutely bizarre plot this season finally just made her brain overload. Chloe opens her eyes and tells Morris to get back to work. She was listening the whole time! He wants to stay with her, but she tells him that it would really make her happy if she could just use a computer to find Grandpa.

5:02 am – Nadia tells Morris that Jack was right AGAIN (surprise). This time it was the oil platform. They decide to use a satellite to see if they can figure out how many people are on that platform, and it turns out there are plenty of people there for Jack to shoot.

5:03 am - Nadia goes to call Lennox, and Morris calls the doctor to find out about Chloe. The doctor points out the obvious: it’s just been about two minutes since Morris was there! The doctor tells Morris to quit stalking Chloe, and that he won’t release any information without her permission.

5:04 am – Lennox tells Noah that Nadia called to let them know about the oil platform. Noah wants to send in a special tactical unit, but one of the cabinet officers has got a much more explosive idea: F-18 fighter jets! Explosions galore! The circuit board will likely just blow up too. Lennox points out that Josh is not explosion proof, so it’s likely
that there will be lots of Josh shark bait in the water, if they go through with the fighter jets. Noah points out that if the Russians attack, a lot of people are going to die anyway, so he orders the F-18 strike.

5:07 am – Mike apologizes to Jack for falling for the explosive circuit board trick, and Jack says that it is OK, since he fell for that a few times himself when he was a rookie. Nadia calls Jack and tells him that the White House has ordered an air strike in thirty minutes. She orders Jack and Bill back to CTU to be debriefed, and not in a good way.

5:09 am – Jack is pretty upset that Josh is being written off like this. Surprise! It turns out that Bill is a part time helicopter pilot! They take over the helicopter, which no one will notice because it’s loud, has blinking lights, and a HUGE spotlight. The people on the platform will never see it coming.

Commercial

5:14 am – The fighter jets are 22 minutes out, as Cabinet Guy tells Noah that Russian Troops are all in Flank Two Position near our military base! Lennox interrupts to let Noah talk to Suvarov. Noah explains the air strike plan to Suvarov. Suvarov tells Noah that they know there’s a Chinese submarine pretty close to the platform, and he’s pretty sure that it’s not going there for a fried rice delivery. Suvarov says that the oil platform needs to be completely destroyed in order to salvage what’s left of the plot, since explosions always help to do that.

5:15 am – Morris goes to tell Nadia that Jack and Bill are on their way to the oil platform with the CTU helicopter. Nadia tells Jack that she can’t authorize a suicide mission. Jack tells her that he’s already thought of that because Bill is with him, and Bill already had authorized a suicide mission today, so it all works out. Bill finally breaks in and tells Nadia that this is the right thing to do. Nadia stares off into space for a minute, remembering what it was like when Bill was in charge, and realizes she hasn’t seen the guys that said they were doing an immediate investigation during the 3:00 am to 4:00 am show. They must have run away from the plot. Morris sends the information about the bad guys on the platform. Bill is going to fly in to the platform now, just as the F-18s acquire the target.

5:19 am – Cheng, Grandpa and Josh have no idea what’s going on outside, so they’re not the least bit panicked. Josh asks to be let go, and Grandpa says he can’t do that because of all the water.

5:20 am – Outside, the Chinese guys outside see the helicopter, even though the helicopter is black, and it’s dark outside. Inside, Cheng GIVES BACK THE COMPONENT to Grandpa, and says they’ll meet at the boat. Why did he do that? Brain damage?

5:21 am - Bill uses the helicopter to sneak up on the Chinese guys, who knew about the helicopter, but STILL weren’t prepared. Jack does a lot of shooting, blows a few things up, and immediately finds Cheng. Cheng says they’re too late, because he’s fresh out of components and Josh. Jack goes off to find them, and Bill takes Cheng for a drag out to the helicopter.

Commercial

5:26 am – Josh won’t go with Grandpa, so he just stops on the way to their boat. Grandpa tells him to stop acting “like a child” (even though he IS a child). Josh tells him to stop acting like a “demented homicidal traitor”. Grandpa decides to enact some tough love and nearly chokes Josh to death, all the while telling him to control his emotions. He must think Josh is half-Vulcan.

5:27 am – Meanwhile, Jack goes around firing at people that still haven’t left the platform. The F-18 pilots are four minutes, 30 seconds away.

5:28 am – Grandpa tries to get the boat ready, and Josh takes a wrench, smacks Grandpa in the head, and grabs his gun! Grandpa tells Josh that Josh won’t shoot, and there he’d be wrong. Josh shoot Grandpa! Jack arrives just in time, and tells Josh, “I’ve been exactly where you are, and I know exactly how you feel”. Josh gives him a look that says, “You shot Grandpa once too??” Josh finally gives up his gun, and Jack tells him to get to the helicopter. Josh runs for it.

5:29 am – Grandpa wants Jack to finish it, and Jack says there’s still a half hour left, so he can’t do that yet. Jack says that Grandpa needs to be held accountable for what’s happened today. Grandpa points out that unless Jack has figured out a way to stop time, there won’t be enough time to carry him anywhere and still make it off the platform before the air strike. Jack tells his father, “You’re getting off easy”, and Grandpa responds he doesn’t need oven cleaner. Jack says, “off easy, not Easy Off”. Jack runs for the helicopter.

5:30 am – Bill is outside of the helicopter for some reason, probably trying to figure out where the tires are on the thing. Nadia tells him they only have ninety seconds to get off the platform before the air strike. Josh arrives, and Bill very brightly lets out a rope ladder.

5:31 am – Noah orders the air strike. Bill circles around to get Jack, just as the missiles fire, and Jack grabs the rope ladder at the last second just as the explosions go off! Yeah! That’s more action than we’ve seen in WEEKS!

5:32 am – Noah confirms with Suvarov that the oil platform is now the burning pile of rubble formerly known as “oil platform”. Suvarov orders the withdrawal of the troops from around the base. Suvarov and Noah make nice.

5:33 am – Jack’s hanging on to the rope ladder, and decides to go for a swim since all this action has made him really smelly. Jack swims to shore, signals Bill that he’s OK. Josh wants to go back for him. Bill tells Josh that Jack isn’t ready to come back yet.

Commercial

5:40 am – Noah goes back to the Oval Office, where he tells Cabinet Guy to have one of the US submarines to follow the Chinese submarine back to China. Lennox wants to get right on this whole Chinese thing, but Noah wisely decides to leave that for another day since there’s only twenty minutes left in the show. Lennox tells Noah that now would be a pretty good time to let Karen off the hook, since she did help get Jack involved, and besides a scandal right now wouldn’t work out very well. Noah agrees, and Lennox hands over the tape recording he made earlier.

5:42 am – At CTU, Morris goes to visit Chloe to let her know that everything is OK, since the Russians aren’t rushing, the Chinese aren’t china-ing, and they finally figured out a cure for Crazy Grandpa Bauer, who blew up. Morris tells Chloe he’s concerned, and after a short discussion about who loves who, Chloe tells Morris she’s pregnant. Morris asks, “With child?” Chloe says, “No, with a keyboard! Of course with a child!” Chloe says, “Let’s not ruin this moment by saying something stupid.” And then immediately says something stupid, “Let’s go back to work”.

5:44 am – Lennox comes in to tell Karen that she’s free to go, and that Bill is being pardoned too. Lennox tells her that she and Bill will be free to get on with their lives, at least until next January when the “24” season starts back up again.

5:46 am – Bill returns to CTU with Cheng in tow. Cheng looks like a V8 exploded all over his face. Josh runs for his mother, and Bill informs Cheng that he won’t be getting dim sum for a long time. Cheng tells Bill, “My people won’t abandon me the way you abandoned Jack Bauer”.

5:47 am – Bill congratulates Nadia on a job well done. Nadia wants to know where Jack went, Bill says “Jack won’t be found if he doesn’t want to be found”. Nadia looks at Bill as if he’s been hanging out in a fortune cookie factory too long. Bill says they have to let him go, and she realizes that he’s right.

5:50 am – Heller is on the phone with someone actually HAPPY that Audrey is still alive. Now THAT is acting, my friends. Anyway, he hangs up and hears something. He picks up the phone, and Jack shows up soaking wet, probably to make Heller feel more comfortable, since he likes diving into water too. Heller asks if Jack is there to kill him, and Jack says, “Depends”. Heller says he has a whole box of those, but that doesn’t answer his question. He tells Jack that he won’t let him see Audrey. You’d think Jack would be happy about that, but he goes nuts and pulls a gun. Turns out that Jack has father issues, but with Heller.

5:53 am – Jack is really mad that Heller told him he was cursed, because people like Heller ordered him on the various missions he’d been on, and never… not once, did they send a Christmas card or anything like that. Even when Jack had his “vacation” in China, not a birthday card, or a tactical extraction, or anything!

5:55 am – Jack says he wants his life back, and he wants Audrey back. He just wants to disappear, and if anyone goes after them both, he’ll kill them. Then, in the understatement of the whole season, Jack says, “I’m pretty good at that too”. Granted, not as much as last season, but still, you have to admire a guy that would get out of being held prisoner by biting someone’s neck, even though they hadn’t washed in a week. Heller says Jack won’t change, and he doesn’t want Audrey to pay the price the way Jack’s wife did. Jack says he wants to see Audrey.

5:57 am – They go into Audrey’s room, where she’s sleeping. He holds her hand, and tells her that he’s at a crossroads, and that he has to let her go. Audrey does some of her best acting ever, and doesn’t move a muscle. He tells her he loves her, and kisses her on the forehead without even wiping off his lips afterwards.

5:59 am - Jack gets up and leaves Heller’s house. He goes out to the terrace looks out on the ocean.

6:00 am – Time’s up!

Thanks to Dave for hosting this craziness on his blog every Monday, thanks to everyone who actually read through the “24” summaries I wrote this season, thanks to my friend John who read through these week after week before I posted them, and extra thanks to my wife and kids who let me commandeer the TV every week to do this!

See you all in January for the next new season of “24”!

[Wes S.]

*shudders at the thought of a bereft Steve, Beretta in hand, standing at the edge of a cliff with a blank look on his face as if someone had just run over his kitten*

Rick, it will be alright as long as Steve's last word isn't "Awwwwdreyyyyy..."

I can't believe that was the first word out of the tortured Jack's mouth all the way back in Season Six, Episode One...

[Cat R.]

Diva, I can always be counted on for a gross picture.

Elmhurst -- home of trees, trees, more trees and cicadas.

[steve-in-kansas]

Not even Edgar's return could have saved this
season!

However, my predictions for Season 7:
1. Marwan will return. Jack will have to save the
nation again from a chemical or food threat this time.
2. Chloe's child will be Jack's. That's why he turns
to her more than anyone else at CTU.
3. Awdrey starts blabbering when she sees Jack and
Jack kills her. Even Secretary Heller thanks Jack!
4. Grandpa Bauer will remain underground until Season 8.
5. Mankim signs up for CTU school and finds out
there are moles everywhere!
6. Mrs. Bauer is given a stuffed doll and told it os
Josh, and she doesn't seem to notice the difference.
7. The writers are actually the English wrtitng class for foreign-speakers at Los Angles' Orange County Community College. (Another FOX cost cutting
move!)

Earlier commentators asked --er begged Keifer to
exert some control and get better writers. Unfortunately, as he gets reportedly $40 million
or more for EACH of the next three seasons, he laughs, quoted Alfed E Nueman "What--me care?"

[Annie Where-but-here]

"Next on 24 - Awdrey the Human Dental Floss."
psst - thanks, Steve.

[homeybeef]

that season was a stinker all the way to the end (starting at hour 5). awesome job steve (I assume as I am yet to read it) and thanks to those who viewed my snowmen as seen here if you missed it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=WSML5xBTOp0

I'll catch up on all this tomorrow. nite folks

[DeskDiva]

Steve, our collected gratitude to you for making complete pieces of polished furniture out of what has essentially been brush forest. You ROCK!!

[Wes S.]

Whew. At least Steve finished the last "24" recap of the season without cracking up. Or before cracking under the strain. Fortunately he'll have seven months to recover...unless he has to blog the "24" movie.

Heller is on the phone with someone actually HAPPY that Audrey is still alive. Now THAT is acting, my friends. Anyway, he hangs up and hears something. He picks up the phone, and Jack shows up soaking wet, probably to make Heller feel more comfortable, since he likes diving into water too.

I kept waiting to hear Jack say "Hi, I'm all wet; can I come in?" Then I realized it was the wrong "24" cast member and a different show besides.

Besides, when has Jack ever asked permission?

[DeskDiva]

NOT another SPAMMER!!!!!! AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

All of us get caught by the bloody bot, but a schmuck like this gets through? There is no such thing as justice.

[Cat R.]

*SNORKS* at Easy Off and Depends.

Thanks to the Amazing Steve, I had fun with 24 this season and only had to watch one episode on the actual TV!

Nite, all!

[Dr. Rickenstien]

Steve, please accept my most humble and sincere thanks for making this dreck worthy of caring. I would say more but I'm not the crying sort and its been a long night already for that so...((((BIG MANLY HUG)))

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Thanks, folks. I really appreciate it!

[steve-in-Kansas]

(Was waiting till part two posted..)

Amazing Steve (the 24 guy)TM: Thank you again
and may I add hugs too?

You made this show, but more importantly this
blog very special and a source of fun and
clever wit! Thank you, and best wishes Always!

Hope you enjoy every minute and if FOX does ever
come calling, hold out for the best, my friend,
because you deserve it!

[DeskDiva]

*snork* Wes!

Untied strings:

1. Is President Gary Peyton dead? Are his vocal cords still paralyzed so that he must continue to speak at a near whisper?
2. Former President Handbag - Is he dead from a paring knife to the upper chest? Did he have to suffer the indignities of Walter Reed?
3. First Ramparts and Aaron - Is she still nuts, or was the stabbing her first step in a return to sanity? Will they ever get married?
4. Ben Dover Cram and his review team - Have they reviewed Nadia already? Are they still blaming her for the faults of the building's architects and designers?
5. The Amazing Disappearing Stewart - Is he really a Chinese acrobat? Did he hide inside one of those half-size lockers?
6. Farmer Hoggett - Is he dead? Will that really do, Pig?
7. Whiney Marilyn and ManKim - Whose son is he REALLY? And will she ever have the ability to do anything besides looking completely insane when she pops her eyes open wide like that really weird lady?
8. Awwwwdrey (NOT that I want more of her) - Is she really comatose, or just appalled at her own behavior?
9. First Ramparts' Fruit Salad - Was there enough kiwi? What OTHER fruit needs to be included?
10. Baby O'Brien - Whose brains will he/she have? Whose looks? (PLEASE God - Chloe's on BOTH counts!)
11. Chloe's Baby Shower - Date? Time? If I make the cake and punch, can the rest of you come up with some games and activities?

Will these questions be answered in January? The world may never know....

[Dr. Rickenstien]

wow, I feel like Sam closing the bar on the last episode of Cheers. hmmm...what to do what to do? *grabs a cigar and lights it, turns down the lights, pops in Season 1 12am-1am, remembers the good times*

[DeskDiva]

Nah, Doc. We're still here just hangin' out. :) Whatcha drinkin' tonight?

*grabs the Doc's a$$ on her way behind the blogbar*

[Dr. Rickenstien]

Diva, I am currently "de-briefing" Nadia. Rest assured she will be punished for her behavior today in a fitting matter.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

....WHHEEEEE....and OWWWWWW!!!!! Damn, get your butt pinched and then...thigh wound acts up.

[ScottMGS]

*saw DD grab doc, sits down!*

[DeskDiva]

Well! You're "debriefing" a fictional character when you have a live one here? Humph!

*swigs two shots from a half-empty bottle of Jager, crosses arms and turns back on Rick. patently ignores him to watch Futurama on DVR.*

[Dr. Rickenstien]

by the way DD..I would use a fancy acronym here, but suffice it to say HEEHEEHEEEHHEEEE!!!! at your points list. And the IM is on the fritz but Im workin on it..get it IM/Im.....*punches self in thigh wound as punishment for that pun*

[DeskDiva]

*turns attention to Scott since the Doc is being foolish*

So - how're things in your neck o' the woods tonight, Scott? And what's your poison?

[Wes S.]

Somebody must have stuffed both Stewart and Ben Cram into one of those lockers. They certainly disappeared in a hurry...

What I'd like to know is how Bill was able to ditch the FBI guys who were dismantling his house so he could rescue Jack.

[DeskDiva]

I get it, Doc. (You're better as Doc, btw - it just works.)

[DeskDiva]

Wes - email received and answered. :-) And that's a good point I missed!

[Wes S.]

Here's another dangling plot thread that went nowhere: At the start of the season, America was under attack by a nationwide wave of suicide bombers and Muslim terrorist suspects were being rounded up and tossed into mini-Gitmos all over the country.

So what, all those would-be suicide bombers got killed in the Valencia nuking? Did all those suspected terrorists just get their walking papers with an "Oops, sorry about that?" And, oh yeah, there was that little matter of twelve thousand people being turned into radioactive fallout drifting across Southern California...that the scriptwriters totally forgot about somewhere around episode twelve.

OK, that's three more dangling plot threads. Whatever. Somebody needs to take that remaining suitnuke and set it off in Joel Surnow and Howard Gordon's offices.

*ends drunken rant, goes back to blogbar for fresh bottle of Jim Beam*

[Dr. Rickenstien]

Wes, you read my mind. Just what the Hell was the point in either case. Ok, I kinda wonder if Stewart isn't former Special Forces or some such and he will be a character next season. But the Ben Cram thing looks like the writers realizing they were gonners and firing off parting shots at the critics and fans. "See, we even threw in the replacement CTU boss from Division at the last minute and he has a juvinile name...tee hee.." I swear if I had the money for a plane ticket I would so go out and kick every one of their...

[DeskDiva]

*opens a new 1.5 L of Beam. takes a swig, then hands to Wes*

Darnit! I meant to put that stupid nuke in there!!

[DeskDiva]

*takes pity on the Doc and hands him her bottle of Jager for a few shots*

[Wes S.]

*opens and reads 'Diva's fresh e-mail*

Whoops, on second thought I'd best put this fresh bottle of Beam back on the shelf. Wouldn't want to show up at the Guadalajara tomorrow hung over, now would I? ;)

In fact, I'd better call it a night, anyway. Got some laundry to do and birdcages to clean first thing in the morning. See you all tomorrow, guys...and I'm looking forward to meeting you in person, 'Diva.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

ok, the bot and I are just about to find that cliff together...Wes, when Steve gets the job over at 24, make sure he has your number. You 2 are just on point with everything. I had a notion no one's hit on yet, but I can't remember it since there were so DAMN MANY of them this year...ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!. *joins Wes at the bar and buys the house 2 more rounds*

[SW]

"pops in Season 1 12am-1am, remembers the good times"

Sorry, doc, but I just watched that, plus the two hours that followed, and all I can say is, if those were the good times, the present must REALLY suck.

[SW]

"wow, I feel like Sam closing the bar on the last episode of Cheers. hmmm...what to do what to do? *grabs a cigar and lights it, turns down the lights,..."

It's a long way, to Tipperary...

[DeskDiva]

Night, Wes! See you tomorrow!

[Dr. Rickenstien]

hey, everybody has their own thing SW. It wasn't the best season, but it certainly was more coherent than this season.

[DeskDiva]

*takes the 2 rounds offered by Dr. Rick. changes up to Irish car bombs*

Now THAT hits the spot.

[ScottMGS]

Hey, DD, not normally much of a hard liquor person and my taste in wine runs toward Welches™. A good beer (e.g. Guinness) can hit the spot, though.

[ScottMGS]

I used to know how to make a killer Long Island Ice Tea, though.

[DeskDiva]

*passes Scott a nifty Guiness*

Which is the base of a good Irish Car Bomb, anyway. A half-pint of it, anyway. Drop in a shot of Bailey's and chug it immediately (to keep the Bailey's from curdling). Tastes much like a chocolate milkshake. It'll hit ya in 12 minutes, give or take a few seconds.

[Val]

Well, I watched it. And all I can think to say, as Deana Carter so aptly put it......"I shaved my legs for THIS?"

[DeskDiva]

A *snork* and a "right on!" for Val.

[ScottMGS]

Hmmm, I might have to try one of those, Diva. Luckily, I live near an pseudo-Irish brew-pub.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

By the way if this is purgatory, please let me go to hell...I cant get anything to do anything right now. My server or the bot has me stuck in a temporal loop or something.

[DeskDiva]

Poor Rick. *kisses Rick on the cheek in consolation* I'm sorry, Darlin'. :-(

[Dr. Rickenstien]

Well DD, I can't IM either for some damn reason and the world in here appears to be dead... oh well. Another drink please.

[DeskDiva]

*sets up an Irish car bomb for Dr. Rick*

Here. Have it on me.... Um. Not literally, of course. Although....

*blushes*